I am always wrong

[Jessicag316]

I am not sure where to start, my fiance has not been diagnosed but after 4 yrs of wondering what in the world is wrong with me or us I am starting to realize maybe it isn't me, though I am told 5 times a day that I need to change and I'm selfish and don't care about him. I have changed my life to try and make him happy! He recently quit his job that he just started because "they were not going to pay him what he is worth":. This is his 5th job in 4 years and he leaves each one with the thought that everyone treats him wrongly and he is worth way more than they are paying him. I will admit he is very smart and a very hard worker but he is pretty mean and hard to deal with. He is a chef so he isn't expected to be an Angel but he is expected to follow the rules. He has been home for 3 weeks and it has allowed me to really notice that there is a major problem. He has listed things for me to change That bothers him, I work on them and he continues to get mad at me. It seems as if as soon as I have gotten all these rules down, something else I do starts to bother him. I try and explain that I don't understand why he is mad or what I've done wrong and he starts to scream "of course you don't know, you are self centered and a child" this is coming from a man who has broken every nice thing we've ever owned. There are times when he is loving and kind and he treats me like I'm the best thing to ever happen to him, this makes breaking up harder because I think of all the love he has shown me and I know He can be so amazing.  He gets mad at things that are so small and if I even slightly show that I'm getting hurt he flips out even worse and yells at me for crying or being too silent.
A few yrs back He started to get on dating sites and that put me over the edge, I packed my bags and went to stay at a friend's for a few days. He cried into my lap begging me to come back home. He listed all the things that would change. I was so hurt I didn't want to come home! But then I started getting pics to my phone of him self harming. He punched himself in the head until it was swollen, he burned his arms with cigarettes. I couldn't handle that, I knew he had nobody so I came home. I set rules, don't cheat, never put your hands on me,  no more name calling etc. Things got better for about 2 months. But he is back to the outbursts and self loathing. He got upset with my 6 yr old and called her selfish for waking him up at 11 a.m. mind you he has no job right now and lays around all day. She wanted him to get up and make her some lunch while I was in the shower. I got out of the shower and she was in time out. I was really upset about that! I am at the end of my rope. Once my children become affected, it's time to make changes! They have been through enough in their little lives.
How do I suggest he find mental health when he feels like I'm the one doing wrong? How do I explain to him that I do care about him and that he needs help? Also I am wondering if any of you deal with your spouse not wanting to be intimate? Any time I bring it up, he says, "it's all about you isn't it?" I want him to want to have sex with me. When we do it is ALL about him and the things he wants. I rarely say anything because it will start a fight. But I would like to be romanced. If I ask for a little attention to put towards me he calls me selfish. We are intimate once a month now if that and only because he is tired of me "bothering him about it." We are in our early 30s and I feel like I'm in my prime.and losing these years. I love him so much but I can't deal with this anymore. Can anyone relate?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Jessica,

Welcome to the boards! . Your story sounds so familiar to me and I"m sure to many here. I think many of the tools and workshop on this board will really help you a lot. I used to blame myself for all the criticisms my uBPDh had about how horrible I was. This site and therapy have really helped me see that when he is criticizing me, he actually projecting what he feels about himself onto me. Like you I used to jump through hoops to try to fix myself, but it wasn't me all along.

Here's a link to a workshop on ":)on't JADE". This one concept has helped alleviate so many arguments with my H.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0