Preparing mentally, physically and emotionly for the up coming court date

[tmarshal2016]

Hello All,

My divorce is coming to a head.  I'm going into battle against my UBPDW in June for custody orders, child support and alimony.  This was something (in a million years) I never thought I would do but here I am.  9 years with her and with two beautiful special needs children-My Boys. My life with her has now been a complete a Living HELL since July 2016- when she told me she did not want to be with me anymore and she told me she stopped loving me 6 years ago- That still hurts-

However,I want to piggy back-  SamwizeGamgee- My new logic of crazy and blame post

I found a journal entry I wrote back in April 2013 and I decided to share it with you- (This was after one of our many verbal fights her which last a few days)

After Fri and Sat verbal fights with her, on Sat I told her I still love.  Today, she made statements about loving me and always loving me, her past relationships, protecting all her children and saying THAT WHEN SHE GETS ANGRY AND TELLS ME HATEFUL THINGS THAT'S HER WAY OF SAYING SHE CARES... .SHE SAID IT'S A CLICHE BUT SHE REALLY CARES BUT FUTHER STATED THAT I NEED TO BE MORE AFFECTION TO HER EVEN WHEN SHE IS UPSET TO SHOW HER THAT I CARE.  SHE FURTHER STATED IF SHE DID NOT CARE SHE WOULD NOT SAY THOSE HATEFUL THINGS BUT MERLEY WALK AWAY AND NOT CARE

The sad reality of this is that a part of me still care for her and still loves her. Maybe it the "Caretaker role" I've been subjected to or have chosen.  I don't know but Im afraid.  All I know is this is a TOXIC Marriage and it's getting worst... .Things were never resolved or deal with.  It was as if she forgot the issues or if I brought them back up it would result in another big fight so I would just shut down and be that personal punch bag of her.

Fast Forward today, now I'm worried still about the affect this divorce will have on my two beautiful children.  They are my priority but I'm constant attacked, ridiculed, recently physical pushed by her (This incident happen after weeks of her calling the police on me). She wants full legal and physical custody of my boys; however the mediator believes a 50/50 custody is in order. (She called the mediator bias and want a new mediator)   Im so exhausted and worn down.  She constantly will push my buttons (We still live in the same house- which is very hard to breath) , demand for photos of the kids and then accuse me of keep the photos for myself and taking away those photos that are rightfully her (Forgot to mention, when she found out I filed for the divorce the next day she took down all our family photos and wedding alums and shredded all the photos- a few time in front of me and the kids- how sad and shocking is that ). She still will leave in the middle of the night and not return until 6AM or on the weekend leave Friday night and not return until Sun evening.  She denies she has a boyfriend but unfortunately , I've seen text message between them... .Very Sad ( I know I should not look at them)

I know I need that separation from her but the thoughts of not seeing my children will "kill me".  Its Fear and the change.  I'm Still in the FOG and still need skills to communicate with her.  Its hard when all she wants to do is "bully me".
Still looking and seeking support to learn how to establish those boundaries I lost many, many years ago. 
Sometimes I wish some one can actually be there (see what I see , Hear what I hear) when she goes off on me or lashes out on me and pull me to the side and "protect me" and telling me it not you... .it's her.  You're not Crazy!  This divorce is the right thing to do.

Thank you to all that read this and please comment. I know I'm not alone but sometime it l feel like,  especially when you are dealing with a person with a personality disorder, who tells you every day "You're the Crazy one not them",  I AM!

Tmarshal

[ForeverDad]

Just a reminder... .If you are in the least bit tempted to follow her and see where she goes, don't.  If she found out she could raise stalking or harassment allegations.  The problem is you're an interested party.  However, you can hire a private detective or someone similar and that strangely enough is just fine legally.  It's because the person is a professional, trained and probably registered and bonded.  Since it is a job, he or she is expected to be professionally neutral and in control of any emotions.

Stand your ground.  She wants a new mediator.  She's allowed her opinion.  You see the mediator is relatively fair, say No change.  She's fishing for a gullible mediator.  Maybe the court would side with her, maybe not.  Maybe all that happens is the court is informed that mediation failed.  And then court decides whether to proceed to the next step or try mediation again.  Who knows?  But you lose very little, if anything, to make a stand that the mediator is doing appropriate work.

Also, many here have had longer than usual divorces.  Mine was close to two years.  Of course I had to check off every step of the divorce process, no short cuts for me.  Maybe you can wrap it up quickly, I hope so.  But have strategies and options at hand in case it doesn't go that quickly.  And be careful not to gift away long term parenting you need just to end the pain sooner.

As for the kids, here is a quote I heard about and then bought the book to confirm that quote.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

[RedPill]

Hi Tmarshall,

You're not alone. In fact, some of your story is very familiar. To wit: your story about your pwBPD shredding your wedding photos. My story: my wife and are actors and met at a Shakespeare Festival. I proposed using lines from a scene in Romeo & Juliet. For our first anniversary, I found our copy of Romeo and Juliet and tore out and framed the page that I had studied and recited for my proposal to her. After she filed the divorce petition, she took down the framed page, smashed the frame, and put the page back into the copy of Romeo and Juliet I had removed it from (we still had it) . She made sure to tell me that she put it back "where it rightfully belonged."

Ouch.
--
RP

[tmarshal2016]

Thank you, Red Pill and Forever Dad.

Things are still getting worst everyday.  She is more verbal about moving my kids away from me ( at least hours away) to a new city and different county.  Im not sleeping much. Still do the routine with the boys with a happy smile but I sense they know there is lots of tension between her and I.  I'm still very scared of her and the fear that I will not be able to care for the boys when I finally get the custody order in place. My BP STBxW would watch the kids ( that was our agreement which I thought was right- I worked and she stayed home for the kids) if I need to stay at work from time to time, she was there.  Now that's entirely gone and my anxiety for the future is high.  Worried my family will not be there for me even though they say they will.  Maybe I stressing myself to much but that's how my life has always been since she demaned me to file for the divorce. She knows that and she constant remind me that Im hopeless and pathetic and why am I a liar.  She want me to admit she is the better parent and that she can continue bullying me to get what she wants.  I feel so hopeless right now.  Will this ever end?  She told me she will forever be in my life until either of us are dies because we have kids together.  All,  Im scared and fearful that she is correct and even after this divorce, I will never trully find any happiness in my life again.   

[ForeverDad]

We ALL got stressed out on our initial court hearings.  Our spouses were so overwhelming in their declarations how we would get little or no parenting.  The entitlement was so extreme and convincing that our worry & fret meters were pegged to the max.  Yet we survived and over time even prospered!

Court was not nearly as bad as we were indoctrinated to believe.  Yes, court acted like it was just another day at work, while for us our whole futures as parents were at stake.  Yes, it is not uncommon for mothers to walk out with the better outcome.  But that shouldn't cause you to give up almost before it's started.  Your stbEx is waging a War of Disinformation!  Most of what you hear from her is Her Entitlement and twisted perception of reality.  I've read more than one member's post saying, "I know when my ex is lying, her mouth is moving."  (Some here have also noted that the statistics could be so intimidating to many fathers that they feel since the numbers say they probably won't succeed then they don't even try.  Or probably some don't try because they realize their ex is an okay parent, not like our cases.  Don't be intimidated, stand up for yourself and your children!)

[tmarshal2016]

Thank you , ForeverDad

UPDATE:

I'm one week away to learn what the courts will determine will be custody time, child support and alimony.  Like my precious posts, the fears are still radiation everyday and the verbal attacks and comments are getting worst by her.  Just this morning, I brought down my children for breakfast and their last day of school.  She flipped out on me. She kept yelling "you know what you did? you're a liar!"  then she would flip me off every time I looked at her   It got to the point where I had to leave and go to work to avoid her calling the police.  I felt so sad that I left my kids behind with her. More hateful comments, trying to document that Im not providing information to her, now want to participate in the appointments with the children, the constant threats.  Still not sleep much  and I can feel . I'm not sure if this is related to her being a BPD but her rage is more and more intent.  Right now, she demanding the name and location of the different appointments I take my kids. She never care about them because she would leave every Friday evening and spend the weekend with her boyfriend. She never care about the kids' appointment until now.  She called me controlling because I never told her.  How am I controlling?  Still in fear and feel I will always be

tmarshal