I am going crazy and feel alone dealing with my BPD wife.

[Ray0401]

Hi,
Don't know where to start. Briefly, I married four years ago. I dated my now wife for only 3 months and had great experience. She seemed all put together. Kind of no warning signs except the fact that she remained quiet almost all the time and I carried on the conversations, very quickly into dating she lured me into sex and seemed very open and liberated. When I proposed her, she was quite up and down in making her decision but finally she got convinced.
just one month into marriage, she lost almost all interest in sex and became more quiet. Soon after, she raged over minor stuff which was shocking to me. This raging continued after every few weeks for a year which brought us on the verge of divorcing.
She pleaded to come back and work on the relationship and I agreed. Since then things have been going down constantly.
We ended up having a daughter and a son who are now 16 months and 4 months old respectively. Splitting and rage have become a regular part of our relationship now. She gets extremely frustrated with our daughter. The rage comes on every few weeks and then things come to so called normal. She has never apologized, instead when she wakes up the next morning, she pretends as if everything has come to normal.
She has almost cut me off from my family, and she does not have any meaningful relationship of her own.
I have never been confused this much before in my life. One time I just mentioned that she may consider looking at what she was doing in our relationship, she enraged and projected everything on me, as if I was responsible to make her lose control.
" so, you think I am crazy".
It feels as if I have started walking on eggshells now. Don't know what to do? Please help guide so that I can come out of shock.

[MrRight]

Hi - sorry to hear about this.

I knew that something strange was up with my wife after we got married but not soon enough to prevent pregnancy!

You have two children now - try to ensure there are no more. Use condoms.

Mine chased away my family too and mine was often hysterical while we were bringing up our son though her rage and violence was directed against me not the child.

I found the first 6 years incredibly exhausting so I know exactly where you are. You are in the early stages of the worst period of your life. Mine is 14 now and I can see a new life for myself in the near future.

But yours has just started - so what to do? First - as I said - no more pregnancies. The fact you already have 2 children will complicate getting through this.

What is she like as a mother to the children? You said she gets angry with the girl. How? Screams at her, or more?

Is there any chance at all that she will accept divorce and you having custody of the children? You must see that there is no way you can leave 2 infants with the person you have described. It does not sound to me like she is willing to admit she has any issues so asking her to be assessed would probably just provoke another blow up. Therefore - unless you want to battle and suffer over the years like I have done - maybe you should consider, as one option - divorce plus custody. Perhaps she would accept this? Make some recordings of her tantrums - several - should not be hard. And these can be used at the custody hearings if it comes to that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ray0401, Welcome!  Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE)?  If not, it's a good place to start.  The first step, in my view, is to return the focus to you and your needs.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  What makes you think your W has BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[misterblister]

I can only say that in hindsight I wish I had divorced when my first child was a year old and my high-functioning wife was first threatening to leave me. Keep in mind that's a high-functioning wife who had few real rages.

Of course this is aged wisdom using hindsight. It's quite possible had I divorced back then, that in my emotional immaturity I would have latched onto a similar woman and ended up giving my children a double whammy.

When children grow older I would rather them be asking this question: Dad, how come you're so happy and strong and healthy? What's the secret?

Because right now they're asking why I'm looking so old, so tired, why I don't take Mommy out on more dates, why I don't hug and kiss Mommy more, why she's so upset all the time, and why I am cynical and grumpy.

And I don't have the answers for them. I'm a shadow of my former self, and I think that's mostly my fault for putting up with this for so long.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Your post deserves a better response, but, in my short time I have now I'll add my thoughts.

I had a relatively short engagement, but, since we were both devoted religiously, I figured all was going in the right direction.  I flew past some red flags, but, that's a story for another day. I remained unhappily married, and depressed, for the first several years at least.  I stayed "dogmatically religious" married.  I blamed myself.  I was led along by my wife's crazy - but I remained blind.  I had kids.  Kids changed my life, and my outlook.  I love being a dad, but, marriage seemed toxic.  At 17 years of marriage I reached rock bottom.  I couldn't determine what was worse between death, divorce, or marriage. 

A book I read led me to look up "Borderline Personality Disorder."  That topic was the light switch that shockingly made life make sense.  Nothing was the same afterwards. 

I'm still stuck in the deep hole I dug over almost 20 years of marriage now.  But, I am so much more aware, and learning, and growing, and resolved to eventually live my lie as I would want.  However, it's a long road ahead of me.  I do know that once I reached my point of enlightenment about BPD, there was no way to un-see the verbal and emotional abuse to which I was subjected.  I also became painfully aware that in my depression and hopelessness I was abusive and toxic too.  I muse about what life would have been if I either acted on my misgivings and gotten divorced much earlier, ideally before kids, or not married in the first place.  Perhaps being able to identify that my wife has so many BPD traits would have made marriage simply unbearable early on.  I don't know if that would make it more miserable.  I don't think I could have stayed married for the years that I did if I would have been emotionally healthy and known about BPD.

What kept me married is that fact that I have kids.  Yours are so young, and you have years ahead of bonding and being a dad.  I wouldn't want to risk my losing those years.  However, you might find a way to balance being a dad with escaping abuse and neglect like you face now.  You found a good place (bpdfamily.com).

I'll advise to get into the habit of self-care.  As it works for you consider getting into therapy for yourself, get a hobby, spend time on being a dad. Take time for you.

[Lucky Jim]

I muse about what life would have been if I either acted on my misgivings and gotten divorced much earlier, ideally before kids, or not married in the first place.

Samwize: I think about that, too, but the reality is that I ignored the red flags and had no concept of BPD or personality disorders in general.  Who knew?  Plus, like Mr. B says, I was emotionally immature.  I was led around blindly by my BPDw, much as you note, which is what I thought was supposed to happen in a marriage.  We had kids and I didn't have the heart to leave while they were young.  Fortunately I was there for the first 11 years of my kids' lives, which I like to think made a difference.

When children grow older I would rather them be asking this question: Dad, how come you're so happy and strong and healthy? What's the secret?
Because right now they're asking why I'm looking so old, so tired, why I don't take Mommy out on more dates, why I don't hug and kiss Mommy more, why she's so upset all the time, and why I am cynical and grumpy.
And I don't have the answers for them. I'm a shadow of my former self, and I think that's mostly my fault for putting up with this for so long.

misterblister: Your post is heartbreaking to me because I asked myself the same questions when I was in your shoes.  There are no easy answers; all I can suggest is that BPD is a terrible disorder that tears apart the lives of all who encounter it.  Like you, I became a shadow of my former self.  My friends and family became so concerned that they conducted an intervention on me, which gives you an idea of how far I had gotten off track.  I understand the quandary in which you find yourself, so please know that others have been down this road before you.

Ray0401: Sorry to hijack your thread temporarily, though maybe this discussion will be helpful for you, too.

LuckyJim

[lpheal]

Please help guide so that I can come out of shock.

I only have one child, but your story sounds very familiar in many ways. As we hit milestones in life where things are supposed to get easier, they just kept getting worse.

I found this site back in October, and at least for me it has been very helpful just to read similar stories and know others have experienced the same things. The resources here have given me a better understanding of the condition, and also have led to a lot of introspection.

I did leave the house for 24 hours about nine months ago. I realized during that night away that I wasn't mentally prepared to leave for good. While painful in some ways, I've gotten to practice and improve my communication skills and get back some sense of control over the decisions I make. When I finally leave, I want to look back in 10, 20 or 30 years without major regrets and knowing that I really tried. I want my daughter to know I tried, and did the best I could for her under the circumstances.

I'm still scared in many ways, but much less so than before.

The feeling of being crazy and alone is well understood. I still have trouble understanding how my wife can say such terrible things to me before going to bed, and act like it never happened when she wakes up in the morning. You are definitely not alone.