Boundary Question

[DearHusband]

Okay. As many of you know, a few years ago, I had an emotional affair.

Standard post-affair practice is to give your spouse access to all your devices and accounts.

However, when she has had access, she's been able to dig up notes to myself and browsing history where I've researched verbal abuse etc. Stuff I'd forgotten about. I've written to myself that I wanted to leave.

So, I've got to the point, were I don't give her access to my phone or laptop.The problem is that I am being secretive. She knows it and it is causing problems. How do I balance her need for transparency with my need for privacy?

Thanks,
DH

[formflier]

The problem is that I am being secretive. 

Noo

You have privacy... .

Let her pick a pastor or a counselor that you will unlock your device in front of and give her access to rummage around for 10 minutes or so.

She will likely never do it.

You have gotten past the affair... .she should to.  It doesn't minimize what you did... .yet it acknowledges you don't have a life sentence.  Especially with a boundary busting spouse.

FF

[Notwendy]

I've known a few couples who have recovered their relationship from infidelity. BPD was not involved so it's a bit different. The spouse who has cheated is 100% responsible for that action, yet each partner did some personal work and introspection on their part in the relationship breakdown. I.e. Nobody took victim perspective entirely. By not doing this each person was able to work on making the relationship better.

I say this because- yes you cheated. But if you have made amends and are not cheating - and are working on the marriage - you are doing your part. BPD may keep your wife from looking at her part. This you can't change. But you don't need to feel as if this is a life sentence, and you have no right to privacy forever. Transparency may work when there are boundaries but I think that different decisions are made when there are not. The other spouse is advised to not make this a forever sentence either but that is hard for someone with BPD to do. So you are the one to decide when it ends for you.

In this day and age, access to devises and passwords is not a guarantee. People can buy as many as they want - keep them at work, the car, or anywhere out of the home.

[Grey Kitty]

Standard post-affair practice is to give your spouse access to all your devices and accounts.

It is a common practice when a couple is trying to recover from an affair. It isn't the only solution, and it isn't always the right solution, and it shouldn't be taken as gospel in isolation from other things in your marriage. It can be temporary as well.

pwBPD do really badly when they have access to your phone/email/etc. From reading lots of stories here, the results range from not-so-terribly-bad to crazy-awful.

So you are on the right track.

So, I've got to the point, were I don't give her access to my phone or laptop.The problem is that I am being secretive. She knows it and it is causing problems. How do I balance her need for transparency with my need for privacy?/quote]

Short answer: Use your judgement to find the balance, and enforce boundaries to protect your privacy. Chances are with the associated insecurities of BPD, she won't give you any form of privacy unless you force the issue.

Oddly enough, she will probably be happier with a bit of privacy. I know that when my wife and I went from a joint email account to individual, separate email accounts, she objected to the change... .but settled in and realized that it was better for both of us.


There is a big distinction between privacy and secrecy, as far as I'm concerned.

Something private is something which is your business, and only your business, and you don't share it with her.

Example: Your communications here on this message board are private. (I *hope* giving her access as you've done hasn't given her access to your posts here!)

Example: Your conversations (email or otherwise) with your family aren't her business, and can be private.

Something secret is something that IS her business, and you don't share it (or actively hide it) from her.

Example: Since you are married, an affair or even an emotional affair is your wife's business. Doing this without telling her is keeping a secret. [You've learned this one the hard way already]

Example: Assuming you have shared finances, if you spent a bunch of money on something, it matters to the joint budget, and thus it is her business too. Keeping it secret would be a bad idea.


What kinds of things are you trying to keep private from her?

[DearHusband]

Grey Kitty,

I tend to write things down. It helps get them out. She once found a log of her moods and another time a journal entry that talked about my family suggesting I leave. That went over well (NOT!). I'm still hearing about it to this day. It's another excuse not to see my FOO. My browsing history is of particular interest. Accessing this site would probably be perceived negatively. She has a list of websites she wants me to look at instead.

Oh, and I can't text or communicate with certain friends without telling her in advance, so she wants to make sure I'm not doing that. These are people I talked to about her behavior before I found out about BPD. Back in January, I messaged one friend that something had happened on a project that I was working on that they had helped with. No mention of my wife at all. I didn't tell my wife about it and when she found out it was perceived as another breach of trust. I heard about it again this weekend. She can name the exact date and time it occurred.

DH

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, writing things down, having a journal, etc. is very good for you. And yes, keeping her out of it is the right thing to do.

NOTE: The violation of your privacy snooping in such places she's doing is a very serious offense. If you doubt it, think how big a stink she would create if you snooped in her journal!

Obviously, pointing out the double standard won't do you any good... .but it might help you decide where to take a stand.

Oh, and I can't text or communicate with certain friends without telling her in advance, so she wants to make sure I'm not doing that. These are people I talked to about her behavior before I found out about BPD.

This is a problem.

I don't think that this restriction on you is at all reasonable, and I don't think it is something you should have agreed to. Not for friends who have heard 'bad' things about her. (For your former EA, this would seem more reasonable. So would "never contact her again"... .)

The problem is that you agreed to it.

If you just "change your mind" and don't tell her about it, she will be justifiably angry with you.

Better is to tell her that you've realized that this isn't a restriction you are willing to live with, and you will have enough privacy that you can call or text friends when you want to. And that you may share some or all of those conversations with her, but that is your choice, not her right.

Needless to say she won't be happy.

But you can enforce the boundary that you have that right and will use it.

Are you ready to?