setting boundaries with adult daughter

[jacinth]

Hello.
I am the parent of a 36 year old borderline daughter.  She, in the past, was high functioning, college-educated, employed. Signs of BPD began after college when she become involved with an abuser, started cutting, distanced herself, and had a child with the abuser.  Tons of drama: custody issues, substance abuse, horrible relationships, financial distress, legal issues. She mainly has contact with me to rescue her, which I have done many times. She was getting back on her feet and decided to have a relationship with a guy with 3 kids by 2 women, who paid no child support, no license b/c of DWI, and on and on.  Cautioned her that she might lose the gains she made.  Fast forward a year: he abused her, she has a newborn, lost her job because of illness during pregnancy, and is facing homelessness. My husband (her stepdad) and I moved her belongings into storage, bought her a car, and have helped her financially again.  I have read the books, attend codependents anonymous, and therapy.  I really try to be moderate, but her instability and rage at me have unfortunately triggered me to the point that I don't want to be around her.  She will be homeless next week and is likely to lose custody of her children, which is likely to further destabilize her.  My husband is not willing to take her in unless she agrees to getting help for BPD, and even then he's not so sure.  She is staying at my friends, and I have to make her leave next week.  It's been years and years of this.  She is not responding or reaching out.  I am sick to me stomach, lurching between resentment when I think of taking her in again, especially given how she treats me, and tremendous anxiety when I decide that she must face the consequences of her choices.  Most people - family, therapist, friends, counsel me to hold the line, that I have done so much already, and I am hold up a house of cards.  I don't know if I am strong enough, but not to do so is to abandon myself by using my resources financially and emotionally.  Thanks for listening.  Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there Jacinth

Welcome to the forum. I'm very glad you've found us and I'm just so terribly sorry to hear about your daughter and her immediate problems. BPD is devastating and exhausting. You've come to the right place.

How much have you read on BPD?  I used to reel around in a whirlwind of drama and emotion and like you swing from resentment to helping. Once I started to read, the more I understood, the less I reacted. I'd been in this "helping" cycle for so very long and everything I'd tried not only failed but sometimes made things worse. I finally realised that I can't change him, he can't help the way he behaves and he doesn't do it on purpose. The only thing I could do was change my approach.

She is not responding or reaching out.  I am sick to me stomach, lurching between resentment when I think of taking her in again, especially given how she treats me, and tremendous anxiety when I decide that she must face the consequences of her choices.

My DS would bury his head in the sand in fear of the ensuing crisis. It's frustrating and difficult to comprehend. It's perfectly understandable that you're sick to your stomach about what may happen. I'd leap forwards and try and predict and it just filled me with fear. I'd step in making decisions for him when I was in a highly emotional state.  We call this being in FOG - fear, obligation or guilt. Decisions made during this state are rarely wise ones.  I understand that innate need in us as parents to think and feel that it's our responsibility to do everything we can to protect our adult kids from the consequences of their actions.

I can see your daughter is in a extremely difficult situation, particularly as she has such young children. It's a massive worry for you and can see how difficult it is to try and remain calm.

Does your friend want your daughter and kids to leave next week?
Has your daughter ever had therapy for her BPD?

Gently forwards, try and breathe.

Hugs

LP

[ExhaustedMom58]

I'm right there with you, Jacinth.  Also new to this forum.  Also have a 36 year old BPD daughter with two young children about whom we are terribly worried.  Our daughter was also high functioning at times (college degree, good job), but has a long history of unstable relationships with abusive men, during which she tends to sever all ties with her family ... .until she runs to us for help to escape.  We poured almost all of our retirement savings into "saving" her and the children from the last bad marriage.  She's appreciative for a period, but then something triggers her and becomes immensely hostile, cruel, and uncommunicative.  Our daughter's anger is primarily directed at me . . . mom.  She makes me the abusive, controlling, villain and accuses her father, my husband of almost 40 years, of enabling me.  Oy.  I too am exhausted and at a loss.  My husband and I are finally ready to put boundaries into place, but the problem is, of course, the welfare of the children.  I don't have any answers for you.  But, I'm in this crazy boat with you.  Hang on.  I'm finding that a good therapist is a life saver for me.