Does she have BPD? Could explain things

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi!

I'm 28 years old. I met this younger girl, lets call her "T" is 21, at the university in september. We started dating and had fun. She immediately showed a lot of interest in me. I wasn't mentally ready for a serious relationship at that point in my life.

However, I reacted to, that she told me of some parts of her bad upbringing (abuse, alcoholism, absent dad etc.) on our first date and about her previous guy she dated for almost a year. He lied to her that he was single and secretly had a girlfriend.

In my mind I thought to myself to be careful to not to hurt myself or her. Because I understood that she has serious issues. But god, I was so attracted to her. We dated a lot, but I was careful with giving her to much attention. She sent me hearts and kisses in messages efter the second date. It felt early and I responded nicely, but not with the same dedication. I also told her on the third date that I didn't know if I could have a serious relationship in my life at the moment, but that I would like to get to know her. I just wanted to be clear with my intentions with her. On this date, she told me not to hurt her.

We had sex on the second date. Before she told me that she has issues with trust and letting go, but that she really wanted to have sex.

We dated like this for 4-5 weeks, then I got a little distant with seeing her. But I answered her texts and hanged out with her like once a week.
Then, some weeks later I felt that my emotions were strong for her. The timing was weird because she maid lass contact with me. And after not having time to meet me for the third time I asked her on SMS/text if there was something wrong? And she said that there were family problems and fights going on and she had all her focus on that. I asked if she needed to totally focus on that and stop seeing me. She answered that it would perhaps be good if she could focus on the right things in her life, but that she don't want to stop seeing me. And that she can text me after the weekend to give me an answer.
My instant answer was that I felt like she should take here time and that we should stop seeing each other. Her response was no, I really want to keep seeing you.

So we kept seeing each other, but from this we rarely had sex. She rejected me often so i stopped trying. It was often me who contacted her so we could hang out. Her behavior like this was like this in two weeks and I started to think that she deep down don't like me. And I felt hurt. Because she was socially cold at school some days to, it shifted from day to day. So I talked to her in school. And just asked her why she behaved like this, and that it seems like she doesn't want a serious relationship with me.

She almost screamed at me and got really upset and criticized me for telling her how she felt and that I was so wrong. Then she left me, walking a way on the bench, just wondering what the ___ just happened. On the evening, the sent me a textmessage, where here explanation was that she had lot on her mind and doesn't like when I analyzed things. We got together the next day and hang out.

BUT. The same pattern occured, but only worse. I decided to not no contact her, to se if she contacted me. In school she was cold and after two weeks I felt really bad and asked her to see me and talk. I said that i felt hurt etc. And that I wished she could talk to me about whats going on. She insisted on that in wasnt anything wrong and got angry at me. Other could hear her anger at the cafe at school so I walked a way from her. Later I apologized for that via textmessage.

She wrote and reply and blaimed her cold bhaviour on her upbringing with her father alcholism and mothers coldish ways. And also her teenage years when she got used by some older guys. She wrote she has issues keeping me close because of that. I replied that she was brave of sharing this with me and that I want to continue seeing her if she is open with me with what she feels.

After this, same pattern occur. Her mood swings. She gets cold and I dosent here from her. I took two weeks before I finally wrote her, what is going on with you? I havent heard from you! If you don't want to se me just break up! I need to know!

Her answer was I have had a lot to do, and problems with my family. You can your self contact me or ask me how I do instead of asking me to break with you.

My reply was of course: It's always me who contact you, and you often reject me!

But her willingness in words, to keep this thing, makes me want to keep this weird relationship going on. But after same patterns occuring yet againg I finally write her that Im out. Im leaving her. This was a saturday, two days later when we are in school in the lunch room, she writes me a text while Im near her, "This is so painful for me". And I ask if she want's to talk. So we go away and talk. She says, I wan't to be with you. I love you. And I can't understand her, so I ask about her issues and she says againg she has difficulties letting someone near her. I decide to continue this thing... .because I feel strong for her and have hope.

What do you think happens? Same patterns... .so I break up with her again. This time live, after she rejected seeing me and changing dates three times a row. But this time and regret what I've done because my feelings are so strong for her. So we get back together. For a week. Then she sends me a message,

that she's been truly hurt by me leaving her like this again, and that she needs to think what she truly want's and that she need space.

I wrote that I understand and sure. In the weekend I send messages to her that I love her and want her back and that I dont want to lose her. She don't answer. Three days later she writes "all you chances are gone, good luck with your date". I asked a student at me school to take a drink as a thanks for her helping me with a study thing at school. This girl later on says to T's friend that I asked her out.   

I later find out that T met a guy at a party in the previous weekend and kissed he a lot during the party. (This was before she heard about me asking this girl out). This guy was a exchange student from Amsterdam who came to our school with his class.

The week at school after this drama is strange. She tries to get my attention and talks about this Amsterdam guy when I'm near. She does this thing for like four days. Then on a friday she walks up near me and looks me in the eyes and I asked her, can we take a walk? So we take a walk, I explain that it wasent a date I asked the study girl on and she believes me. Later at night there's a party in our school. Me and T look at each other a lot, and it feels like we are in a puppy love. Then her friend says, "So are you going to take your sexy underwear with you to amsterdam"?. I almost cried so I walked a way to another room smootly. She comes after and sits on a chair behind me and throws hairneedles on my back. (This means come and talk). So I go to her and ask if we can talk. So we walk away. I cry in front of her and say please, I dont want to hear about you and other guys. It hurts me to death.

She says that he this Amsterdam guy was a way to forget me and that he is more like a friend. And I say its to late, your travelling to amsterdam. She says yes, but I go with two others from my class and we are going to se the whole studyclass from amsterdam. But then she says. You have clearly made up ur mind so it dosent matter what I say. And I say no, I listen to you. Then she says she wants me. And I ask her if she wan'ts a offical relationship, and that I want us to go all in. And she says she cant do that, that she needs to know that this works before.

After this, I change my coping behavior, with her not contacing me. I contact her and insist, with other times and days to se each other. And we se each other a lot for two weeks before the amsterdam trip.

The situations now is that she is in Amsterdam. And a classmate to her that is in my school now told me that her Ex, this guy that has a girlfriend and lied to T, has contact with her. And that they have met each other in the prevoius months. But he dindt know if the had a intimate relationship or not. The classmate also told me her ex name. That his name is "F". She always had said that F is a very close friend of her. Because they sent kisses and text each other all the time. So I trusted her, but this F guy is her ex.

Please, do you think she has BPD? It really seems like that, and that she's in cycles... .

[Thenator]

Hi!

I'm 28 years old. I met this younger girl, lets call her "T" is 21, at the university in september. We started dating and had fun. She immediately showed a lot of interest in me. I wasn't mentally ready for a serious relationship at that point in my life.

However, I reacted to, that she told me of some parts of her bad upbringing (abuse, alcoholism, absent dad etc.) on our first date and about her previous guy she dated for almost a year. He lied to her that he was single and secretly had a girlfriend.

In my mind I thought to myself to be careful to not to hurt myself or her. Because I understood that she has serious issues. But god, I was so attracted to her. We dated a lot, but I was careful with giving her to much attention. She sent me hearts and kisses in messages efter the second date. It felt early and I responded nicely, but not with the same dedication. I also told her on the third date that I didn't know if I could have a serious relationship in my life at the moment, but that I would like to get to know her. I just wanted to be clear with my intentions with her. On this date, she told me not to hurt her.

We had sex on the second date. Before she told me that she has issues with trust and letting go, but that she really wanted to have sex.

We dated like this for 4-5 weeks, then I got a little distant with seeing her. But I answered her texts and hanged out with her like once a week.
Then, some weeks later I felt that my emotions were strong for her. The timing was weird because she maid lass contact with me. And after not having time to meet me for the third time I asked her on SMS/text if there was something wrong? And she said that there were family problems and fights going on and she had all her focus on that. I asked if she needed to totally focus on that and stop seeing me. She answered that it would perhaps be good if she could focus on the right things in her life, but that she don't want to stop seeing me. And that she can text me after the weekend to give me an answer.
My instant answer was that I felt like she should take here time and that we should stop seeing each other. Her response was no, I really want to keep seeing you.

So we kept seeing each other, but from this we rarely had sex. She rejected me often so i stopped trying. It was often me who contacted her so we could hang out. Her behavior like this was like this in two weeks and I started to think that she deep down don't like me. And I felt hurt. Because she was socially cold at school some days to, it shifted from day to day. So I talked to her in school. And just asked her why she behaved like this, and that it seems like she doesn't want a serious relationship with me.

She almost screamed at me and got really upset and criticized me for telling her how she felt and that I was so wrong. Then she left me, walking a way on the bench, just wondering what the ___ just happened. On the evening, the sent me a textmessage, where here explanation was that she had lot on her mind and doesn't like when I analyzed things. We got together the next day and hang out.

BUT. The same pattern occured, but only worse. I decided to not no contact her, to se if she contacted me. In school she was cold and after two weeks I felt really bad and asked her to see me and talk. I said that i felt hurt etc. And that I wished she could talk to me about whats going on. She insisted on that in wasnt anything wrong and got angry at me. Other could hear her anger at the cafe at school so I walked a way from her. Later I apologized for that via textmessage.

She wrote and reply and blaimed her cold bhaviour on her upbringing with her father alcholism and mothers coldish ways. And also her teenage years when she got used by some older guys. She wrote she has issues keeping me close because of that. I replied that she was brave of sharing this with me and that I want to continue seeing her if she is open with me with what she feels.

After this, same pattern occur. Her mood swings. She gets cold and I dosent here from her. I took two weeks before I finally wrote her, what is going on with you? I havent heard from you! If you don't want to se me just break up! I need to know!

Her answer was I have had a lot to do, and problems with my family. You can your self contact me or ask me how I do instead of asking me to break with you.

My reply was of course: It's always me who contact you, and you often reject me!

But her willingness in words, to keep this thing, makes me want to keep this weird relationship going on. But after same patterns occuring yet againg I finally write her that Im out. Im leaving her. This was a saturday, two days later when we are in school in the lunch room, she writes me a text while Im near her, "This is so painful for me". And I ask if she want's to talk. So we go away and talk. She says, I wan't to be with you. I love you. And I can't understand her, so I ask about her issues and she says againg she has difficulties letting someone near her. I decide to continue this thing... .because I feel strong for her and have hope.

What do you think happens? Same patterns... .so I break up with her again. This time live, after she rejected seeing me and changing dates three times a row. But this time and regret what I've done because my feelings are so strong for her. So we get back together. For a week. Then she sends me a message,

that she's been truly hurt by me leaving her like this again, and that she needs to think what she truly want's and that she need space.

I wrote that I understand and sure. In the weekend I send messages to her that I love her and want her back and that I dont want to lose her. She don't answer. Three days later she writes "all you chances are gone, good luck with your date". I asked a student at me school to take a drink as a thanks for her helping me with a study thing at school. This girl later on says to T's friend that I asked her out.   

I later find out that T met a guy at a party in the previous weekend and kissed he a lot during the party. (This was before she heard about me asking this girl out). This guy was a exchange student from Amsterdam who came to our school with his class.

The week at school after this drama is strange. She tries to get my attention and talks about this Amsterdam guy when I'm near. She does this thing for like four days. Then on a friday she walks up near me and looks me in the eyes and I asked her, can we take a walk? So we take a walk, I explain that it wasent a date I asked the study girl on and she believes me. Later at night there's a party in our school. Me and T look at each other a lot, and it feels like we are in a puppy love. Then her friend says, "So are you going to take your sexy underwear with you to amsterdam"?. I almost cried so I walked a way to another room smootly. She comes after and sits on a chair behind me and throws hairneedles on my back. (This means come and talk). So I go to her and ask if we can talk. So we walk away. I cry in front of her and say please, I dont want to hear about you and other guys. It hurts me to death.

She says that he this Amsterdam guy was a way to forget me and that he is more like a friend. And I say its to late, your travelling to amsterdam. She says yes, but I go with two others from my class and we are going to se the whole studyclass from amsterdam. But then she says. You have clearly made up ur mind so it dosent matter what I say. And I say no, I listen to you. Then she says she wants me. And I ask her if she wan'ts a offical relationship, and that I want us to go all in. And she says she cant do that, that she needs to know that this works before.

After this, I change my coping behavior, with her not contacing me. I contact her and insist, with other times and days to se each other. And we se each other a lot for two weeks before the amsterdam trip.

The situations now is that she is in Amsterdam. And a classmate to her that is in my school now told me that her Ex, this guy that has a girlfriend and lied to T, has contact with her. And that they have met each other in the prevoius months. But he dindt know if the had a intimate relationship or not. The classmate also told me her ex name. That his name is "F". She always had said that F is a very close friend of her. Because they sent kisses and text each other all the time. So I trusted her, but this F guy is her ex.

Please, do you think she has BPD? It really seems like that, and that she's in cycles... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi Thenator,

Sure you've had a rough series of months. We humans seem to be hooked the more difficult a partner might be. We all react differently to new relationships, and you both are young, she's very young, and she certainly has a complicated past. That makes things more extreme. Unfortunately, behavior alone can't be used to make a diagnosis, not that we could make it even with all the answers, we aren't qualified. BPD is something they suffer, and the behavior is a way to stop the pain. So, to know if it's BPD you have to analyze the pain, not the behavior.

She had trauma, so she might have a number of issues, PTSD, for example. Then trust issues, comintment issues, impulsivity... .

The motto here is "you can only change yourself", so you need to focus in what you want, and what you need. If it is her, you know it's not going to be easy, so you need to find a way to take things slow for yourself (to calm your own emotions), to know that any progress is going to come slowly, and unevenly. You have to be prepared for a rollercoaster, and learn to know that it's not a bad thing. The good news is that all the tools are not only good for people with BPD, but for everyone. So you can make a lot of improvements reading around and practicing the basic tools.

Good luck. I hope you can find some peace of mind.

[Thenator]

It's just so hard to cope with her when she gives me confirmation. When she want's me when I'm on my way out of the relationship.