Can use support/BP adult child living at home

[Parents! Get help here!]

   Have adult dgt BPD living at home at 34 yrs old.
Cannot keep job for more than a year, usually part time
& low pay.  College degree.  Hates living with parents,
feels it takes away independence, but no ability to stand
on her own. Difficulty with social relationships too.
After years, have given her notice to move
out.  Need to have my empty nest life... .Anyone else relate?

[zucchini]

   Have adult dgt BPD living at home at 34 yrs old.
Cannot keep job for more than a year, usually part time
& low pay.  College degree.  Hates living with parents,
feels it takes away independence, but no ability to stand
on her own. Difficulty with social relationships too.
After years, have given her notice to move
out.  Need to have my empty nest life... .Anyone else relate?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zucchini]

  I am new here. I have a 34 year old BP dgtr.  She has lived on her own at times, but in recent years has lived at home, including a year or so when she married & they both lived here.  My dgtr has a hard time getting on her own 2 feet.  She gets jobs, low paying, not enough hours, and after a year or so, there is some problem that she leaves.  She does not sleep well & resigned from her recent job about two weeks ago. She has known that she has limited time here now.  She's been here for years & she resents living with parents. It makes her feel like a child.  I am ready to be an empty nester.  My husband & I have supported her through counseling over the years but there has to be a limit, a time when she is responsible for making her way in this world. She is resourceful, no criminal activity, more respectful now than in previous years, no raging... .but lots of blame, criticism & excuses about why her life is so tough.  When the time comes towards the end of the summer, when she has to find another place, I fear that she will not communicate with us. The rest of my family is ok with that because they are tired of her behavior.  She has been hospitalized once & since that time, when she saw the consequence of acting out, she has improved.  Of course, she brings up that she didn't belong there & that I just over reacted... .it's all confusing & I am tired of my head spinning trying to make sense of things when there is no sense.  So much of what she says is to make herself feel more in control, more independent... .it's really very sad... .but I have realized my limitations. With all that we have done for her... & it has been a lot... .she never acknowledges our birthdays, anniversaries, Mothers Day, Fathers Day & I feel used. She has had the use of her bedroom, another room, two closets and we gave her an older car that we had.  We used to have her at Friday night dinners with us but the attitude & sarcasm got to be too much so she was no longer invited.  Sounds so mean but it wasn't fair to the other family members.  Anyway, could just use some contact with others who live in this crazy world of trying to love someone who pulls away so strongly, who can make loving parents into villains. Thanks for reading.

[ExhaustedMom58]

  I'm new here too.  Our 36 year old daughter periodically pulls away from us in a very hurtful manner too.  After long periods of helping her and being there for her every step of the way, something will trigger her and she'll essentially run, cutting off all ties with family for significant periods of time.  She changes from an apparently loving, appreciative daughter to one that casts us as villains also.  It's very hard . . . heart wrenching.  This time our daughter is doing it with two little kids in tow, which is particularly frightening to us.

I don't have any answers for you, as we only recently figured out she has BPD and today is my first time on this board too.  It's scary and sad and exhausting.  I don't know what to do either.  But, you aren't alone in your journey.  

I have started seeing a counselor to help me with my own grief and confusion.  I do know that we have to take care of ourselves . . . put on our own oxygen masks first.  

[wendydarling]

Hi zucchini and welcome to bpdfamily.

I'm sorry for what brings you here and you are dealing with, as you see you are not alone.     Many parents here are working through towards their adult children living independently including me, placing responsibility where it belongs.

You say your DD has known for sometime she has limited time in your home, she resents living with parents, makes her feel like a child, you mention late summer. Does she accept this, does she have a plan? Suppose I'm trying to understand from your post what direction she is moving in?

My 28DD lives at home, diagnosed 2 years ago, about to complete one year of DBT. She gave up her job at Xmas to focus on DBT in order to manage her disorder, her Dr signed her off work and she has successfully claimed a small disability allowance (we are in the UK). This has provided me some comfort that in the future should she be unable to work as a result of crisis she'd likely receive financial support to continue living independently, it's that safety net, peace of mind we are looking for so they are not parachuted back home or made homeless. Would your DD be entitled to similar support where you are?

WDx