Completely shell shocked...

[Lalathegreat]

I spent last night with pwBPD. He had been on the charm offensive for sure and he wanted to talk. It was a rehashing of much of what he has said - but thankfully it didn't become a circular argument, I just focused on validating when I could find a target and making sure he felt heard. And at no point did it turn abusive. I felt like we had made some progress and while I was in no way ready to completely let down my guard, I felt a sense of relief and ended up staying the night.

Then this morning happened. And I am still not sure what was going on that the ball got rolling. He was getting his son ready for school, I was showering and getting ready for work - he percieved that I was dismissing him and giving him the cold shoulder. And all hell broke lose. He started yelling at me that my attitude was toxic, that I'm insane. That I don't care about him enough to treat him like a person. That all I do is hurt him. I had a meeting this morning so I put my purse over my shoulder and checked my phone to see what time it was. This led him to emptying my drawer onto the bed. "Get your ___ out of my house!" I got a paper grocery bag from the kitchen and returned to pack my things. "That's MY bag! You'll carry your ___ in your arms!" So I picked up my things and turned to leave - he blocked the doorway. "You're not leaving until you hear what I have to say... ." And it went on. And on. And on. He bundled up his fist and threw a "punch" my direction, I flinched. "I just want to MURDER YOU!" he screamed while pulling at his hair. Then he turned and punched a hole straight through the wall. After about 15 minutes he moved out of the doorway. I walked into the dining room - hugged his son - and left.

I was so shaken up that I called into work. On the way home I recieved a text telling me that he wishes me no ill will but that my attitude is toxic and he can't have it around anymore.

I replied simply letting him know that I would mail him back his pictures (that he gave me to frame) and his key. Then I was text bombed all morning. Did not reply. Text bombed and 3 phone calls this afternoon. I have not replied. It's like a super concentrated "greatest hits" sitting right there for me to torment myself with and I know that I need to stop and block but haven't been able to bring myself to.

I don't know what happened. I took this as a breakup and I don't know how I could EVER go back after what happened this morning. I probably should have called the police.  I was honestly terrified. And I am devastated. And I'm confused that my emotion would be heartbroken instead of angry. I feel so broken, like I can't even trust my own emotions to make sense.

How do you get through it? Because I'm not sure how I'm breathing at the moment.

I will probably start posting on the Detatching board now, but so many of you have been so supportive of my situation and I wanted to keep you posted. Thank you for all of your help.
 

[formflier]

     

Post wherever you feel comfortable. 

I'll certainly check over on that board to see if you are there.

Please take an extra walk... .over the next several days focus on being extra kind to you.

Focus on clearing your head so you can make wise decisions for you.

This was a very concerning event.  I take you at your word that this is an accurate accounting of the events.

I also want to clarify... .that a teenage child was part of/witnessed/experienced all of this as well.  Correct?

Any chance you had a recorder going?

Take care of yourself... .let things settle.  There are things that I believe you need to think through, but only with a clear head.

   

FF

[Lalathegreat]

FF - it's as accurate as I can be in what is admittedly not the clearest state of mind. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly flipped the switch and how things got out of control so quickly. I may never know. I'm also obsessed with figuring out How I could have left earlier. That is so triggering for him though. In his texts he has essentially said that this is entirely my fault because I was "getting ready to leave" and he "doesn't tolerate that". I'm assuming that when I picked up my purse he thought I was getting ready to walk out.

His son is 8. He was eating in the dining room - I know he heard everything though. I could tell by the look on his face.

Having the wherewithal to get this recorded would have been good. One of my friends really thinks I should get an order of protection - that would have helped.

Thank you for your support.

[formflier]

 I'm still trying to figure out what exactly flipped the switch and how things got out of control so quickly. I may never know. I'm also obsessed with figuring out How I could have left earlier. That is so triggering for him though. In his texts he has essentially said that this is entirely my fault because I was "getting ready to leave" and he "doesn't tolerate that". I'm assuming that when I picked up my purse he thought I was getting ready to walk out.
 

OK... .you know me... .I'm full of advice... .there is so much on my mind right now, but I think the majority of it is better held until later when you and I have both had a chance to think about this situation.

I DO want to stress to you that time and effort "figuring out crazy"... .IS WASTED... .please trust me.

It's one thing to educate yourself on the broad principles of a high conflict person or pwBPD... .whatever label you want to use... .that is time well spent.

I used to think very much like you seem to be thinking right now.  I still do sometimes.  When I detect my "just figure it out" thing coming on... .I am deliberate about thinking differently.

GK has a phrase "nothing good will come of that".  I'll simply say... .you can't figure it out that precisely

Listen... .I guarantee you he doesn't understand it either.  

The fallacy is that we sometimes think we can "outsmart" the crazy or "if we just figured" it out... took away the triggers... .it will all be ok.  It's wishful thinking.  This BPD thing simply doesn't work that way

     

You are not wrong for thinking that... .I totally understand it.  I do hope you strive to think differently.

Last:  Please use some RA here.  If he wants to flip out... .he will.  He does... .

You have very little control over this.  Please stop searching for a way to "control the crazy".  I've looked... .unfortunately I still look sometimes.

Hang in there

FF

[Grey Kitty]

  I wouldn't know quite what to make of it myself, in your shoes.

Especially since I'm a guy, and I'm not afraid of being beaten up (or even killed) by a woman if something like that goes worse than it did.

This sounds a lot more violent than he's been with you before.

And that is worrisome--the kind of abuse and violence that is so common in relationships like this one tend to escalate over time. You have every reason to fear that the next rage will be worse than the last one.

He didn't hit you this time. He is more likely to do it next time.

And I concur with FF on this--figuring out "what flipped the switch" for him isn't a productive thing for you to work on.

Better to figure out how you cope when that "switch" gets turned to that RAGE setting.

In other words, safety first.

To me, that means spend some time thinking on your own, and/or talking to your therapist if you have one, or anybody you can trust... .about whether it is safe for you to see him again or not, and whether you actually need a restraining order or something like that.

Please try to avoid contact with him until you decide this, and please don't talk to him about this possibility.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. That means talk to people who can support you.

If you can bring yourself to block him for a day or two while you think about it, do so.

[GaGrl]

Agreed. The level of physicality is concerning. When you feel his physical actions are frightening, you must admit the escalation.

Safety plan.

[Keepingreal]

Lala -

I am literally crying over this. Your posts and responses to me in the last week have been more strengthening for me than you will ever know, and I can't tell you how sad it makes me that you went through this yesterday.

Obviously, you don't deserve this treatment. You know that already. If you are scared for your physical safety, I think you need to consider NC and an order of protection or at least a safety plan.

We don't deserve this. We don't deserve (let me say, particularly, as women), to have not only our emotional wellbeing but our bodies put at risk because the men we love and care about are ill. It is a heartbreaking realization to reach -- that our actual lives are being jeopardized. I'm not trying to sound dramatic, ie, "they could kill us" -- I'm saying that our day-to-day lives are being compromised through fear, instability, and "walking on eggshells."

I wish very much that I could give you a hug. Please keep us all posted.

[flourdust]

It sounds to me like the best you are getting out of this relationship is relief when he is only criticizing you but not abusive.

That's the best it gets?

[BeagleGirl]

It's like a super concentrated "greatest hits" sitting right there for me to torment myself with and I know that I need to stop and block but haven't been able to bring myself to.

I don't know what happened. I took this as a breakup and I don't know how I could EVER go back after what happened this morning. I probably should have called the police.  

               
Lala,
I am SOO sorry you had to go through this.  This is one of those events that you never quite recover from, but you can heal from.

I was 12 when I witnessed my dad lose it and throw a heavy piece of furniture to the floor, breaking some momentos that were on it.  His anger was directed at my youngest brother, not me, but that day shattered a part of my innocence as surely as it shattered the momentos.  And it taught me the lesson that it is human nature to place the blame on the easiest target, not the correct target.  Heaven help me, I was mad at my brother (who was 7 years old) for "causing" my dad to do what he did.  

I think you are doing the same thing.  You are trying to place the blame on the easiest target (yourself) rather than the correct target (pwBPD).  YOU DID NOT CAUSE PWBPD TO BECOME ANGRY AND LASH OUT.  He CHOSE to allow his anger to rise and CHOSE to act out of that anger.  

So now to the reason why I selected the quotes above from your post:
I suspect that part of why you can't seem to keep from reading the "greatest hits" is because you are looking for the truth in them.  You want to understand what happened and think that somewhere in those texts is the answer to "Why".  I can tell you that I spent last weekend repeating my dad's words to me ("I know how you can be" over and over, looking for the truth in them that would explain why I am where I am now.  

So here is your homework assignment.  I'm going to give you permission to give in to the temptation to read those texts.  I'm also not going to pretend that you won't keep trying to figure out the "why did he do that" question (though I think you should try).  What I really want to encourage you to do is turn the "Why" from a question into a statement.  From "Why did he do this?" to "This is why I won't go back".  

When he starts apologizing, read the texts.  Scroll up and be reminded of how apologetic and contrite he seemed just hours before.  This is why you shouldn't go back.  When he tells you how much his son misses you, picture the hole in the wall.  This is why you shouldn't go back.  When he tells you of the pain he was in that "caused" him to behave in that manner, imagine the police report that would have been filed if you HAD called the police.  :)o you really think it would contain the statement "Victim put her purse on her shoulder, thereby triggering reasonable anger in perpetrator"?  This is why you shouldn't go back.

If you are beating yourself up about not calling the police, let me tell you why you shouldn't have.  From what you describe, I think the act of dialing the police would have put you and his son in more danger than you were in.  I wouldn't rule out the option of calling the police and/or CPS now that you are in a safe place, but I don't think you erred in not calling the police at the moment.  There is still physical damage to the home that corroborates your story, and taking a statement from you and his son would probably align enough to establish that pwBPD is a risk.

It's been a long journey over the past weeks/months.  I agree that now is a time to take care of yourself.  Very much like your 5K, you put your all into this relationship.  You ran the race and showed yourself how strong you are as well as areas where you are "out of shape".  There is no expectation that you go out and run another 5K later that day with the same effort.  That would lead to injury.  Now is the time to rest, refuel, stretch, ice, etc.  

Know that there is at least one person who will be more than happy to visit you over on the ":)etaching" board.  I wish the best for you, and believe that is the best for you.  Not that you won't find equal support if you decided to return to the "Conflicted" board, but I would be with a heavier heart on my part.

BeagleGirl

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lala, I'm sorry to hear about the latest incident, yet in a way it makes your choice easier.  Agree w/all above: safety first.  Abusive behavior like his is unacceptable.  No need to dwell on what happened.  On some level, you already know what you need to do.  We will welcome you over on the Detaching Board.

LJ

[SamwizeGamgee]

Wow, so sorry for you!
Once in a while I read stories that scare me, and really make me concerned.  This is one of those moments.  I'm probably not supposed to tell you what to do, but, this pushes my limit.  I know we all are in our various stages of being victim to verbal and emotional battery, but, especially when it's physical, I get worried about the real possibility of serious injury.  All abuse causes injury.  However, emotional abuse you can (eventually) walk or run away from.  Physical abuse can take away even that possibility.  Please take care of yourself. Protect yourself.

Okay, this is another point at which I note that guys and girls are just different.  Physical threats and harm are just processed differently by the two genders, I think anyway.  I believe that once a man has punched through a wall (even balling a fist) - for me, that means the fight is on.  That doesn't mean I fight back, but, it means the "fight or flight" light gets turned on -- and never turned off until the fight is over, or so far away that it's no longer a threat.  As a guy, once my "physical action" switch gets switched, there's not necessarily a limit.  I'm afraid that if your guy has punched a wall, it's the same as punching you - at least from your safety point of view.  I want to make clear you are / were in serious danger of bodily harm.  It is not too late to make a police report, and if not that, at least for sure make contact with a local domestic violence shelter.  The counselors there are probably very helpful.  Please be safe.  I will add that I suspect the boy is in the same danger, whether you see it or not.  Uncontrolled anger is a danger to everyone.  Perhaps the DV shelter can help with the son too.

As a guy (in my position) I'm sort of wishing the abuse and threats that I suffered was physical.  Then I'll have first of all, a way to protect myself, and secondly, proof of the abuse.  I wish I had both.  A guy being emotionally abused by his wife still reads like fiction to someone who hasn't experienced it.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, in your case a man caused physical destruction because of his anger and there's physical proof.  And that's a huge problem.  Note I said HIS anger.  It's nothing you did.  I know we can do things that make it seem we can "make" someone angry, but, if we can't recognize it immediately, then I believe it is the other person's problem. If you've acted politely and normally, you are not responsible for figuring out where his hidden land mines are.  I agree that you cannot and shouldn't figure out what and why things happened.  He showed you how dangerous he is.  Believe it and react. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Lala-
I've never told my own story... .I've never had the strength.  So far I've only responded to other people's posts.  This is the first time I've read one of your posts, and if I were to tell my whole story, parts of it would read eerily similar to what you experienced yesterday.  I'm afraid to tell you any "you should's" because I don't want my post to be pulled, so I'm going to personalize this, ok?

The devastation and fear you've experienced are not your imagination.  You were not the catalyst.  And yes, the answer could be as simple as lifting your purse, but you'll never know.  I finally realized it was NOTHING I did or didn't do.  I was only going to be BLAMED for everything forever.  So the only question was, "could I live with that?" or more aptly, "how long would I survive?"  That's how it was playing out.

I had already been through countless rages, screaming straight in my face, yanking at his own hair (to the point where his face became unrecognizable to me), calling me every name in the book, and other things I'm too embarrassed to admit.  I never knew what hit me.  GOD, I became so weak... .And I took him back every time he stormed out of here, thinking "this poor tormented man"... .  I forgave and forgave and forgave.  I thought my deep love and fierce loyalty could help him.  No.

After he kicked a hole in a door of a vacation rental, and blamed the door for being cheaply made, something changed in me.   I could see him blaming me for having a broken bone because I'm small-boned.  His words took on a different tone in a way.  Blaming the door (i.e. All the blame on me for his horrible words and actions) just crystallized.  And I was one foot out the door.  I saw his threats to leave as my chance to learn to breathe again.  But it had to be his idea, so I would allow that. And there was something else playing in the back of my mind.  You see, my ex-husband had thrown me across the room five years prior.  That was NOT going to happen again.  This had to end.

I'm not saying I'm not sad.  But I am relieved.  I don't walk around scared.  My foundation is somewhat solid; no more of the eggshells, more like quicksand, I was on for the last 3.5+ years waiting for my incredible love of 2 months to return.  That man left one night, brought me a tortured and poisonous soul in a handsome cover, and punished me for far too long.

I did not know during our relationship that he had BPD, but I did insist that he see a therapist for his rages as a condition of reuniting once.  He was very secretive and I knew better than to mettle.  He mellowed for a bit and then BOOM.

So yes Lala, you ARE shell shocked and devastated.  Part of that may never leave you, I'm afraid.  You have survived a traumatizing event.  But over time, it will fade... .you'll work through it.  And you'll scour your mind for answers everyday.  I always asked myself what I did to incite his rage.  Eventually, with some good, hard honesty, and likely a heavy dose of tears, you'll hopefully see that some of your run-ins were just normal spats; but the rages were his alone, and it could have been ANY WOMAN standing in front of him.  I'm only just over 5 weeks out, but I honestly see that now.  Yes, with my serial monogamist, it could have been any woman.  The healing part is figuring out why I allowed it to be me... .

Please take good care of yourself.


Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[formflier]

Lala,

Often I push people to the "big picture".  To look at the "entire book"... .not just one chapter.

Human truth that is... .well... .true:  Past behavior is a good predictor of the future.  Said another way, patterns repeat themselves.

Please tell me again about the criminal history you discovered.  What was the name of the charge... disposition... .etc etc.

Did you ever run a search to see if other stuff is out there?

How would you describe the pattern that seems to be repeating in his life.  If you look at that pattern as story book, what does the next chapter or two look like?

FF

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you everyone for your supportive responses and advice. I'm at work today and feel like I'm just going through the motions in many ways, but (I'm at kindergarten teacher) I have never been more grateful for the sweet faces of my students keeping me somewhat distracted.

Yes, I think it would be hard to deny the escalation, I think it's a forgone conclusion that pwBPD has the potential to really hurt someone. I know that I can't let myself be that one.

Gemsforeyes - thank you for sharing your story with me now. I teared  up reading it and am so grateful for your reach. I will NEVER forget what his face looked like when he was pulling his hair and screaming that he wanted to murder me. He looked deranged. I relate to "that poor tormented man" - that has been my thought after every rage. I relate to feeling like I could help him if I loved him enough. I relate, I relate, I relate... .

BG - I'm thinking about going to the station after work and looking into my options. I know I can't go back, and you are so right about those texts. If I can flip the thinking it will be a powerful reminder of why.

Keepinitreal - mutual admiration society, your support means so much. I will continue to follow you and think if you and your situation.

FF - he has an arrest for "domestic assault" and an arrest for "malicious mischief" involving an automobile. Both were from the same evening and both were dismissed. I am going to the police station after work and will see if I can get more details.

I have more to say but my lunch  period is ending - thank you everyone. I'm grateful for each of you.

[formflier]

FF - he has an arrest for "domestic assault" and an arrest for "malicious mischief" involving an automobile. Both were from the same evening and both were dismissed. I am going to the police station after work and will see if I can get more details.
 

Please don't... .   

If the details matter to you.  Hire a professional to collect and give you a proper interpretation.

What details do you expect to see?

Given what you have personally experienced, what would you expect to see?

Is an arrest record for domestic violence shocking to you, given what you have personally experienced?

It would be more productive for you to have some alone time, with your favorite beverage and think about... .perhaps even write about the story of your pwBPDs life and the patterns you have personally experienced and the patterns that you have heard about/believe to be true.

Are those consistent?

Given that, the most important part of your "story assignment" is to write about what the next chapter (the next month or two of his life) will likely look like.

Put the story away... .come back to it later in the evening.  Perhaps even post it here.

Decide if you are going to be written about... .or if you are going to be an author.

FF

[Breathe066]

Lala,
I'm almost ashamed to admit that reading your post, oddly enough, has been the only thing that has made me feel better today. When I read this part:

"Then this morning happened. And I am still not sure what was going on that the ball got rolling. He was getting his son ready for school, I was showering and getting ready for work - he percieved that I was dismissing him and giving him the cold shoulder. And all hell broke lose. He started yelling at me that my attitude was toxic, that I'm insane. That I don't care about him enough to treat him like a person. That all I do is hurt him. I had a meeting this morning so I put my purse over my shoulder and checked my phone to see what time it was. This led him to emptying my drawer onto the bed. "Get your  please read               | out of my house!" I got a paper grocery bag from the kitchen and returned to pack my things. "That's MY bag! You'll carry your  please read               | in your arms!" So I picked up my things and turned to leave - he blocked the doorway. "You're not leaving until you hear what I have to say... ." And it went on. And on. And on. He bundled up his fist and threw a "punch" my direction, I flinched. "I just want to MURDER YOU!" he screamed while pulling at his hair. Then he turned and punched a hole straight through the wall. After about 15 minutes he moved out of the doorway. I walked into the dining room - hugged his son - and left."

I felt a shudder of familiarity. Except for the gender of the kid, I have lived out this very scene with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. Glancing at my phone for any reason was absolute taboo. All hell would break loose as he accused me of unfaithfulness and coldness, and most especially not caring about him.
He also threw punches when he was angry with me. He never hit me, but he sure made me think he was going to. Lala, that kind of threat-because that's really what it was--is abuse. It is emotional abuse. The first time my H did it to me, he left and, much to my everlasting regret, I let him come back. I wish I had not. I was still strong then and still capable of imagining life without him, but now, a year later, my confidence is pretty much all gone. I feel like a stranger in my own life. I allowed him to gut me emotionally.

If he believes you are toxic, you can pretty much bet that something deep inside his brain knows that he is toxic and he is projecting that onto you. Don't worry your pretty head about it. Be grateful that he is giving you the opportunity to get out--and you should take that opportunity without looking back.

I feel as though I have been held hostage in a cellar for two years and the door is wide open and I am so afraid of the outside world now that I can't even take that first step out onto the grass. But you can. You can go galloping like a gazelle from this sad and terrible place and if you can do it, maybe I can.

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, I think it would be hard to deny the escalation, I think it's a forgone conclusion that pwBPD has the potential to really hurt someone. I know that I can't let myself be that one.
... .
he has an arrest for "domestic assault" and an arrest for "malicious mischief" involving an automobile. Both were from the same evening and both were dismissed. I am going to the police station after work and will see if I can get more details.

I agree with FF--You aren't going to get any answers you need about his arrests that way. Actually, chances are you good that you won't get clear answers of exactly what happened.

Better to just consider it MORE evidence of what you said above--The abuse/violence is escalating, he has the potential to really hurt somebody, and you can't afford to let it be you.

And I'd add that a person in a relationship with him is the most likely target of violence. (":)omestic assault" to me means 90% likely his ex-girlfriend was the target; I forget if you already knew that to be 100% true or not.)

[DaddyBear77]

Lala, I don't know if you realized this, but today is your 3 month anniversary from your first post here.

I went back and read your original post. I'd suggest you do the same. Remember how terrified you felt when he was a few inches from your face back then? Is it a similar terror to what you felt this time? Is it getting any better? Is it getting worse?

I think you see a lot of people here genuinely frightened for you and what MIGHT happen.  

I think you had a good idea of how terrifying this was even three months ago  

You know there's a history, and arrest, and it's consistent with what you're seeing now  


Please consider your safety first - we say that all the time here, and we do that for a very good reason. if it helps, consider spending a few minutes going through this assessment:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Lala-
I am deeply sorry for the pain you're feeling now, and urge you to take delight in those beautiful little faces before you each day.

I agree wholeheartedly with FF on the point of not doing the research yourself.  You know what you need to know.  It IS all about how YOU are being treated/mistreated. My ex-BPD boyfriend had a recorded domestic assault against him on a marriage dissolution from years and years ago.  The marriage lasted 2 months.  Yes, 2 months. 

In my state, public records are scarily available online, and something spurred me to search.  I was shaking uncontrollably when I saw it, especially after what I had endured at the hands of my ex-husband.  And I was terrified when I worked up the nerve to not only get the truth about the number of times he'd been married, but about that incident.  He came up with an odd story, but he had not yet shown his rage to me, so I bought it. 

My ongoing "self therapy" throughout my relationship has been writing to myself.  Love letters about him when things were amazing; and then fear letters, I can't breathe letters, how do I get out of this letters, what is WRONG with ME letters, I can't believe he stole from me letters, etc.  I have dozens and dozens of letters I wrote to myself over the course of the last 3.5+ years.  Of course my letters are on my ipad that has a password lodged in my head, so he'd never see the letters.  (He's been through all of my personal drawers and papers.)  My love letters stopped a long time ago.  When I feel the urge to make contact, which has dropped dramatically since finding this site 12 days ago, I either read one of my letters or I go to this forum. 

It's hard to read the desperation of my own words sometimes.  I wish I could help "her".  It turns out, most of the time we would likely take more action to help someone else than we would to help ourselves.  So I ask myself, "what would I do for "her"?  How would I help "her"?  Maybe eventually I will love me, just not yet.  I am that honest.  Not yet.

I am touched by the support I have seen people give one another on this forum.  "Unaffected" people don't quite understand why we stay and struggle in these relationships, so we tend to hide a lot from our friends.  We sort of know (maybe?) why we stay, but we DO understand without judgement.  Only we know when we "think" we are ready to leave.  That day is the hardest day.

But stay or leave, there is love and support here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Turkish]

Lala,

What's going on now, are you safe?

T

[Lalathegreat]

Hi Turkish... .

Hanging in there. Thanks for asking. I posted an update thread that's down there somewhere. I'm struggling emotionally but am physically safe.