Living with a BPD parent

[blue-eyed bonnie]

A year ago my BPD mother (82) had a bad car accident, which caused me to allow her to move in with my husband and I.  She became severely depressed and extremely anxious due to selling her home and moving to a new state.  None of us are coping with this situation well.  I am in therapy and taking SSRI but my childhood home was very chaotic and abusive.  I fear that my own home is becoming the same way.  But we have no money for her to go to a senior living facility and healthwise, she probably can't live on her own.  Anyone out there with a similar situation that could offer advise, I would really appreciate it.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey blue-eyed bonnie:   
Welcoming to the Community!

I'm so sorry about your situation with your mom.  You are in a tough situation and it appears as if your choices are limited.  Is your mom getting any treatment for her depression and anxiety?

A year ago my BPD mother (82) had a bad car accident, which caused me to allow her to move in with my husband and I. She became severely depressed and extremely anxious I am in therapy and taking SSRI but my childhood home was very chaotic and abusive.  I fear that my own home is becoming the same way.   

What are some of the current behavioral issues with your mom?

Are there any opportunities for senior activities in your community?  Some communities have a lot of social activities for seniors and some communities provide transportation.  Just wondering if she might need to connect with a social group and/or a religious community.

For starters, it is good for you to think about some boundaries you might want to set and enforce.  They are for your own sanity and protection and will be up to you to enforce.  The set of lessons below will be helpful:

BOUNDARIES:
Boundaries are for your benefit, and it is up to you to enforce them. Whether you need to set a boundary now or later, best to be prepared:  

BOUNDARIES WORKSHOP

BOUNDARIES ARTICLE

EXAMPLES

FIVE SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES

What boundaries might help with your current situation?  You can't change your mom, but you can make things better for you by learning certain communication skills and techniques.  With these skills, you can make things better for you by changing the way you interact with your mom and the way you react to her. 

Others have posted in the last few months, with similar situations with an elderly mom.  It's a tough situation, but there is hope to ease your problems by using different strategies.

[blue-eyed bonnie]

Thanks for the suggestions.  The hardest thing about living with my BPD mom is the way she 'consumes" me.  I am the only person in her life and now that she has moved in with us, she refuses to make any attempts to meet anyone else or get involved in any activities that don't involve me.  Does anyone else have a BPD relative that is practically agoraphobic and is there anything I can do to detach her from me?

[LittleBlueTruck]

Hi there. My mother is in her 60s and lives with me. She won't even go on walks by herself. She has no income, so we're sort of "stuck" with her too.

She has caused intense chaos in the house. I'm currently in therapy and trying to devise a way to get her out but somewhere she is safe and happy. It's hell not to have your own home as a refuge. It is hell to be forced to relive your childhood and re-experience the lack of control around their mental illness.

I hope you can find some peace.

[blue-eyed bonnie]

Little Blue Truck, my heart goes out to you.  Just reading this site and knowing there are others out there going through the same thing helps some.  I can't talk to my friends about this.  They cannot even conceive of what it's like and who really wants to admit to their normal friends that their mother has a mental illness.  The new Randi Kreiger book has helped me a lot with setting some boundaries and learning to react better to the Border Lion.
My therapist and I are working through the chapters each week, and working on accomplishing one exercise suggested in the book a week.  It helps!
Hang in there.  You are a good person and I am so proud of you for helping your mom.  We can't just throw our parents out on the street like the garbage even if they are damaged.  I will be thinking of you!

[LittleBlueTruck]

Blue-eyed Bonnie,

Thanks for your kind words. They made me choked up! It is really hard. So isolating. Nobody understands because the behaviors are inconsistent and indecipherable. I gave up trying to explain it to anyone and it was only when she moved in and caused me to start fantasizing about harming myself constantly that I did try to talk to someone. It was a much older friend and she said "oh, that's BPD." Light bulbs!

I do love her and I feel very protective of her. She doesn't deserve a lifetime of horrible fear and pain. But treating me like I am the biggest monster in the world (who must NEVER LEAVE HER) isn't fixing it. It's just destroying me. I would never kick her out without anywhere to go unless one of my children was in danger. I just wish she could see that!

I'm here if you want to keep commenting and talking about it.

[LittleBlueTruck]

By the way, what book is that you're reading? Any other recommendations?

[blue-eyed bonnie]

Hi Little Blue Truck:

Two books that really helped me:  Surviving a Borderline Parent, Kimberly Roth and Freda Friedman.  This one helped me understand about BPD and what Mother was living through.  Also, working through the exercises really helped me to value myself and fight through all the negativity.  And to understand it's not my fault!  A new book by Randi Kreger (who runs this website), The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder, has taught me a lot about how I am an enabler and that things that I do for Mother are actually worse for her than helping her.

I have worked through both books with my psychologist and they have really helped me learn to deal with this situation better and not try to "fix" it or blame myself for it.

Hang in there and stay in touch.  I'll be thinking of you.