Married 30+ years what to do?

[Rafzin]

Married over 30 years, always new spouse was "non sensical" she has 7 of the nine signs of BPD.  After detaching myself finally she filed for divorce this April. I was deeply shocked and hurt (hindsight should not have been).  After trying to make sense of what was happening, went to a Therapist who we had seen jointly before. After explaining to the Therapist what had transpired She told me "you know your wife has been diagnosed with BPD".  WOW! So I started my research about BPD and wow it EXACTLY descirbed my wife and our relationship!  So now a Month after getting her to withdraw the divorce petition I am starting to rethink that and wish I had not.  Not sure what I am going to do but I am seeing a therapist who is helping me. Glad to know I am not alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Rafzin,  



I'd like to welcome you o bpdfamily, I'm glad to hear that you're reconciling, you have a long history together and I bet that was a revelation when you got that missing piece of the puzzle. Read as much as you can about BPD, there's a reason why your spouse the way that she behaves, reading with normalize it and it will help you depersonalize the behaviors because it's not about us, it's about what our pwBPD is going through. Do you have kids?

[Meili]

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the bpdfamily. It does help to realize that you're not alone in what you've experienced. Myself and many others here can attest to that.

There is a lot of great information on this site to help you better understand what has been going on and ways to help yourself and your relationship. Keep posting and ask anything that you wish; there's a really good chance that at least one other member has experienced something similar and you'll get some great advice.

I look forward to reading your posts!

[Rafzin]

Yes I do have kids, 4 total two boys two girls all have flown the coop! Plus I also have five grandchildren! The biggest surprise I had once divorce was filed for was the support I received from my children, all acknowledged their Mom has issues and were very supportive of me and told me I needed to protect myself! That alone made me feel a lot better about the situation. I trying my best to keep everything I learned in the front of my mind when dealing with her but sometimes it can just get to me. Have been  referencing two books, "Walking on eggshells"and "I hate you don't leave me".

[Mutt]

Hi Rafzin,

That's great that you're getting support from your kids, do you spend a lot of time with them and the grandkids?

[Rafzin]

I spend as much time as I can with my kids and grandkids, but they are hours away so monthly is about the best I can do.  I should say this is very polarizing for them, 3 out of 4 kids are very supportive, while one has completely disowned me(nice, after making a down payment on her house for her though I would have done it anyway!).

[Mutt]

Hi Rafzin,

3 out of 4 kids are very supportive, while one has completely disowned me(nice, after making a down payment on her house for her though I would have done it anyway!).

Ouch that's tough. Does she have kids, the one that's not supportive?

[Rafzin]

Yes she does one. The one we had to help raise for 8 years. Then the story about wanting a house so she could raise our Granddaughter in a nice neighborhood. Helped find a house and within a week of getting her offer accepted she totally cut me out of my Granddaughters and her life. The money I can get over... .

[Mutt]

Helped find a house and within a week of getting her offer accepted she totally cut me out of my Granddaughters and her life. The money I can get over... .

That's sad to hear that she's interfering with your granddaughters' unconditional love for you. I'm sorry to hear that  You could also say that you helped her get that house for your granddaughter.

[Shane87]

Welcome Rafzin.  You have my admiration for surviving the relationship so long without understanding what you faced.

I've read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" but still need to read "I Hate You Don't Leave Me".

Understanding what you are facing is the first step in finding stable footing in your life again.  I'm pleased to hear about some of your children's support.  When I finally learned about my own wife's diagnosis, I was surprised that many in my family had clued-in a long time ago that my wife was struggling with serious challenges.

[Rafzin]

I guess it was my stubbornness that kept me going. It's funny though I have always said she really can't be saying or doing the things BPDs do.  Finally some confirmation on my own feelings! Now as an old dog trying to learn new tricks on how I can understand/help her with all or any of this. She denies she has any issues, even when confronted by 2 of her past therapists. I need to also learn to rediscover myself and what makes me happy!  The sad part is that I have forgotten both. I can see why some men have gone to the MGTOW way of thinking though I don't think that is for me. Still trying to fight the good fight.