Really struggling with my boyfriend's BPD

[beeblondie]

Hello, I suppose I'd better start from the beginning.

I'm 19 years old and my boyfriend is 22. We have only known each other since September 2016 and we have been officially together since February 2017.

We are almost certain he has BPD. I will say that he has NOT been properly diagnosed, but after a LOT of research, I think it is quite clear to me that he's suffering from BPD. He identifies with the symptoms and signs.

 Here are some of the things that occur in our relationship:
- he gets upset if I have a different opinion to his,  i.e about a song/movie/person
- he gets upset if I disagree with him about something, even if it's a really small thing
- when we were at college together, he'd get annoyed and upset that I was having a conversation with other people and not with him
- I'd have to be with him at all times, and I mean AT ALL TIMES during the day or else he'll freak out or get upset
- he'd get extremely upset and emotional when I said I'd rather not stay over night with him (bearing in mind he would be staying with our friend in her flat during these nights) because I needed to be at home for whatever reason (needing a shower, clean clothes etc)
- when we have sex, I always have to be on top and I have to ''dominate'' him and ''use him'' and ''treat him like a slave'' (nothing necessarily wrong with that but I'm not a dominant person and I don't enjoy doing those things and he gets really upset when I say it's hard for me/I'd rather not etc.
- he constantly says that he hates himself and that I'd be better off with someone else and that he's just a problem.
- he calls himself ugly and hideous and mean, manipulative and narcissistic, to mention a few.
- he told me he's anorexic and calls himself fat and flabby and says he needs to lose weight and be skinny (he's the thinnest person I know)
-frequently tells me he wants to die and he's sick of suffering
- if I don't make contact or don't call enough he gets incredibly upset and emotional.
- he gets really jealous if I meet up with other friends or do something with my family
- he gets terrified that I'm going to leave him or in his words ''abandon him'' and constantly brings up the idea
- if I don't start off a phone call by using a cute girly voice and saying stuff like I love & miss you, you're special, you're important etc, then he'll get really upset and he'll think that I'm annoyed with him or I hate him
- he's a very light sleeper so when we spend a night together he HAS to sleep in my arms with his head on my chest or else he'll get upset and freak out at me. I don't often sleep when we're together because he'll often start crying in the night and I'll need to comfort him or else he'll be awake and miss me and I'll get woken up. (I have low iron levels so sleep is really vital for me and I don't get a lot of it when we spend a night together)
- he always takes things the wrong way and gets upset with me
- it'll take one tiny thing to set him off and he'll go into hyper drive. He'll scream and cry and sob and shake.
- if we're on the phone late at night and I say I'm gonna go to sleep now, he'll say ''don't leave me please I need you don't go'' or else say I ''just want to leave him and I don't want him anymore'' when in actual fact I just need to sleep
- if we watch something on tv/ listen to a song and he likes it but I don't, he'll get upset and angry with me.



We have just completed our first year of college so we've just started our summer holidays. I live with my parents and he lives about 3-4 hours away with his relative. I work during the week and have commitments at home so it is extremely hard for me to find time to meet up with him. I don't drive, and I'm not in a financial position to be able to pay for public transport to see him. He is unemployed and also isn't able to afford to come down and see me, and I'm not in a position to have him stay over (not because of him personally). Because of all this, lately it is extremely hard for him to cope.

Right now he misses me dreadfully, he is literally falling apart without me. I have really bad phone reception/internet too which makes it really hard to keep in contact and speak to him on the phone etc.
Even though I've explained as best I could all of the above and my reasons for not being able to see him a lot, he just says that I "don't have time for him/don't make time for him/don't love him enough/don't care about him/I only care about work and family/he's not important/he doesn't matter/he's just a burden" and things like that.

I hate being apart and I know it's really taking a toll on us but I can't really help being apart. I miss him badly when we aren't together but even when we meet up and I have to go home, he still ends up feeling depressed and missing me even more than before.


And on top of all this, he recently said he is trans. He absolutely hates being referred to as male or he/him/his etc and he detests having to shave everyday. He will dry-shave his face throughout the day if he thinks he has facial hair even though he has very little, usually none and end up with a very sore bloody face. He frequently gets incredibly upset and freaks out if someone in his family refers to him as male even though he's told them how he feels about it. He's just told me he wants to start HRT.

I don't have an issue with the trans thing, the only problem it presents is that he frequently questions himself and hates himself for ''being a freak'' and says he ''should just give up''. It breaks my heart that he feels like he can't be himself.

He's been to counselling before and never mentioned BPD to the counselor. He said it didn't help him at all.

I ended up begging him to get help because I couldn't bear seeing him in such a state. He is suffering SO much, and I really think talking to someone, especially a professional will help. He went to his doctor who made him an appointment with a psychotherapist. They wrote him a letter saying he'll have to wait 2 months. He can't afford to wait that long so he called the doctor and told her that he's incredibly depressed and need help ASAP etc and he managed to get the appointment moved forward to a few weeks and he will now be seeing a psychiatrist.

This is great news and he's happy about it, but he's also terrified. He's worried that he'll ''lie to them'' and tell them everything is fine and that he's just attention seeking. He has been known to do that. He's scared of taking this step.

In a nutshell, I am trying my best to help him through and to cope with it and to look after myself. I feel like I'm at the end of my tether but I love him and want us to work. I'm not coping with the constant need for love and affection that he demands from me and while I love him with all my heart I can't deny the fact that it's really taking its toll on me.

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[JoeBPD81]

Welcome to the family, beeblondie.

I'm sorry to hear the toll this takes on you, it's completelly understandable and we all have gone through something very similar. So at the very least you've found a place to talk about it and be understood.

You sound remarkably mature and insightful for your age. That contrasts with your boyfriend, that being older, BPD does that he hasn't matured in some areas. If your family has kids, you'll see they have similar reactions to things. Kids have emotions that they can't describe or "tame", and they react with anger, and blaming everyone, and not knowing what to do to stop the pain. What they say while being hurt, is not necesarily true. Also, when they go to sleep, they don't want ever to say good night to the parents, and would do anything to recall their atention again.

Most people with BPD have had an invalidating childhood. Whether real or perceived, they felt that their parents wouldn't be there when they need them, and that fear kept them from develop strategies needed for life. It's like some part of them continued to becoming an adult, and other parts got stuck on being a child. This is not a clinical view, it's my perception.

When you engage in an argument with a kid, it will never end. They have no interest in being fair, or rational, they only have interest in being heard. They are saying terrible things, and you feel the need to explain, justify, correct... .But if you just say "OK", 10 minutes later, the horrible un-reparable things they were saying, are just gone. This is similar with people with BPD. They voice their fears, or they change to rage because it seems safer than sadness, fear or shame.

You've been in this relationship a very short time. It takes a lot of time to realize what about what they say it's the fear talking, and what is legitimate. Basicaly, anytime he is upset, he lost connection with the truth, he's not capable of expresing his own feelings acurately.

My GF and I, we are older, but she is also anorexic (dangerously so), and one of the goals of anorexia is to have a sex-less body. She was a gorgeous woman, and now she's just a skeleton, but she feels more comfortable in this body, she says. It is a syntom of a strong self hate. It's really hard to watch, as you know. To know the diagnosys was really hard, as it carries a stigma that is very negative. But in time she's happy she can explain to herself many of the things she feels.

Learning helped, instead of believing the common knowledge about BPD, and also finding other people with the same disorder, and talking to them. We read the book "The Buddha and the Borderline", and it opened a door for her to talk to other people, and feel less alone and less of a "freak".  Our life is not perfect but it has improved a lot.

I was desperate at the beginning thinking "When is she going to believe I love her, and that I'm not going anywhere?" It takes a lot longer than with other people, but it gets there. By listening, you'll find ways to reassure him without being so worried yourself. And slowly he will be feeling a little more secure. You'll need to find a point, a limit, where you are not willing to attend every need. He's going to demand  and demand without limit, he needs you to establish that limit (boundaries). By no means this is easy to do, but it works. 


I think this is too much for today, I hope I didn't bore you. You can also read the basic tools on the right of this website. I think he is really lucky to have a person so understanding by his side, and I wish you both the best.

[beeblondie]

JoeBPD81-

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply, it really means a lot.

It's really helped to read up about people who are going through a similar experience as I seem to be the only one in my whole family/friend circle who knows about BPD.

I really appreciate your advice and information, I'm still all very new to this and it's such a difficult thing to understand sometimes.

I truly hope things work out between us, and that it'll get easier.