Lunacy; what to say to finally close the door

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, all,

Great Memorial Day weekend so far (heavy sarcasm intended).  Months of begging and pleading for "help" resulted in my meeting the diagnosed exBPD/NPD bf for an hour in a local park.  The guilt he had thrown at my feet was too overwhelming and his stress level from being unable to find a job is through the roof, to the point where I fear he may end up hospitalized again.  So, being an idiot,I go to offer comfort and advice and THAT'S ALL I OFFERED (Thankfully I was able to resist anything physical save for a hug).  Needless to say, he spoke about this career situation and then the conversation turned to getting back together, which I have repeatedly said I won't do.  I stuck to my guns, but he wouldn't let me leave the car until I said I would "think about it", which is a lie.  Every time I tried to leave he cried and begged all the harder, saying how he wasn't asking much, he would never interfere with my kids and my work and just see me when I said it was okay, and only stick around until I was ready to move on (HAH!  I'll NEVER move on until I can get him out of my head and heart). He said he would never hurt me again or be abusive. in any way.  So I feel I had to say I would "think about it" or I would be there for hours and hours.

He is an utter mess and I feel I made him hurt more by showing up.  I am far too fragile emotionally to enter back into a recycle that would just break my heart over again.  There was too much emotional and verbal abuse over the years, and what's left is probably a trauma bond, because there is no hope of a real relationship with a future.

What the hell do I say to finally close the door that I had stupidly left ajar for him?  Or should I make an offer of mere friendship and emotional support to get him over this awful time until he can find a job and feel ready to move on?  I am so torn, and so want to help him, and maybe I SHOULD DO WHAT HE WANTS just to comfort him and help him get on an even keel.  ThIs is precisely why I shouldn't have gone to see him, now I'm just as much of a mess as he is.

Oh, and last night I cried a bit in front of my 27 year old daughter because he had been texting me all day and I was distraught, and she said that if I went back to him she would literally kill him, and I would have a dead ex and a daughter in jail.  Obviously, this wouldn't happen, but she said she has absolutely no sympathy for him because of the awful way he treated me, and she said everyone around me could see how abusive he was from the start and I was blind to what a "POS" he was.  Obviously, the kid despises him, as do my younger ones.

How do I close the door for GOOD for my own sanity and not feel like a horrible, cruel and abusive woman, as he always accuses me of being?  How can I turn away from such desperate sadness... .it goes against everything I am and everything I want to be.  Advice is more than welcome, thank you.

[chillamom]

Hi, all,

Great Memorial Day weekend so far (heavy sarcasm intended).  Months of begging and pleading for "help" resulted in my meeting the diagnosed exBPD/NPD bf for an hour in a local park.  The guilt he had thrown at my feet was too overwhelming and his stress level from being unable to find a job is through the roof, to the point where I fear he may end up hospitalized again.  So, being an idiot,I go to offer comfort and advice and THAT'S ALL I OFFERED (Thankfully I was able to resist anything physical save for a hug).  Needless to say, he spoke about this career situation and then the conversation turned to getting back together, which I have repeatedly said I won't do.  I stuck to my guns, but he wouldn't let me leave the car until I said I would "think about it", which is a lie.  Every time I tried to leave he cried and begged all the harder, saying how he wasn't asking much, he would never interfere with my kids and my work and just see me when I said it was okay, and only stick around until I was ready to move on (HAH!  I'll NEVER move on until I can get him out of my head and heart). He said he would never hurt me again or be abusive. in any way.  So I feel I had to say I would "think about it" or I would be there for hours and hours.

He is an utter mess and I feel I made him hurt more by showing up.  I am far too fragile emotionally to enter back into a recycle that would just break my heart over again.  There was too much emotional and verbal abuse over the years, and what's left is probably a trauma bond, because there is no hope of a real relationship with a future.

What the hell do I say to finally close the door that I had stupidly left ajar for him?  Or should I make an offer of mere friendship and emotional support to get him over this awful time until he can find a job and feel ready to move on?  I am so torn, and so want to help him, and maybe I SHOULD DO WHAT HE WANTS just to comfort him and help him get on an even keel.  ThIs is precisely why I shouldn't have gone to see him, now I'm just as much of a mess as he is.

Oh, and last night I cried a bit in front of my 27 year old daughter because he had been texting me all day and I was distraught, and she said that if I went back to him she would literally kill him, and I would have a dead ex and a daughter in jail.  Obviously, this wouldn't happen, but she said she has absolutely no sympathy for him because of the awful way he treated me, and she said everyone around me could see how abusive he was from the start and I was blind to what a "POS" he was.  Obviously, the kid despises him, as do my younger ones.

How do I close the door for GOOD for my own sanity and not feel like a horrible, cruel and abusive woman, as he always accuses me of being?  How can I turn away from such desperate sadness... .it goes against everything I am and everything I want to be.  Advice is more than welcome, thank you.

[Mutt]

Hi chillamom,

You're not responsible for the condition that he's in, the disorder is not your fault, you can't fix it, it's something he'll have to seek professional help for. I hear Guilt in FOG when he's begging you.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

It sounds like you have adult kids together? You could go no contact if you don't have obligations, it doesn't have to be forever, maybe you can resume contact down the road when you feel stronger, you could also do minimal contact to assuage his / your anxiety.

To answer your question about how you close the door? Self protection to give you space and time to detach, do you have to communicate that? You could say something short and sweet, "I need my space, I hope you understand" and set the boundary on you, you can only control two things, your thoughts and feelings. No contact / minimal contact will also help with clearing your mind from FOG.

[chillamom]

Hi, Mutt, and thank you.  No, we have no kids together.  These are my daughters from my 30 year marriage.  He and I have no obligations to one another save emotional.

he will never understand the concept of minimal or no contact, so extinction bursts are going to be overwhelming.  I need to ready myself.

[Mutt]

The extinction bursts are not fun, the good news is that they'll pass. Short term pain for long term gain.

[Doughboy]

What the hell do I say to finally close the door that I had stupidly left ajar for him?

How do I close the door for GOOD for my own sanity and not feel like a horrible, cruel and abusive woman, as he always accuses me of being?  How can I turn away from such desperate sadness... .it goes against everything I am and everything I want to be.  Advice is more than welcome, thank you.

About the only thing I can think of , and it does not fit the 2nd part about your feelings, is to go full NC.  That is the only way to completely shut the door... .unfortunately... .

[OptimusRhyme]

It feels like you highlighted this in your own reflections, tho maybe I'm misreading -

What helped me to deal with the FOG was realizing that NC was the kindest thing I could do for my ex, as well as myself. You mentioned how agreeing to see him seemed to hurt him further, in the end. Not only that, but it made you feel crazy and hurt as well.

I think that continuing to go along with any of his initiatives will inevitably produce this same result - he simply does not have the tools to conceive, suggest, or take actions for the two of you that benefit either of you. You taking the initiative to think of yourself and take space to heal also gives him the opportunity to focus on himself and work on his issues, which is literally the only path by which he may actually get some lasting relief.

His protests will probably hurt tremendously as he tries to stave off abandonment fears and the terror of confronting/working on himself, but as has been said - short term pain for long term gain. It doesn't seem like capitulation is producing any signs that he is receiving meaningful or lasting comfort, reprieve, knowledge, strength, etc etc, right?

[patientandclear]

I agree with the last few posts. This approach is guaranteed to keep him hoping and trying. If you've made the decision, implement it, in a way that leaves no room for doubt. You have already explained it as kindly as you can, I have no doubt. At this point you are undermining your words with your actions.

Decisions in these matters come with costs, but it isn't kinder to be unclear or give false hope.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi chillamom,

I wholeheartedly agree with what has been said.  To keep doing the same thing and expecting different results is defined as insanity.  You are aware of your own needs and they involve putting this to rest.  For both of you and for your family who sees you suffering.  You clearly have lots of support on your side to take this step so my best advice is to use that as you take the plunge.  The time must come and you're working up to it so there's no time like the present.  Postponing it will only draw out the inevitable and cause both of you more pain.  I too have heard all the pleas and know how hard it is for someone with a great deal of empathy to not take them to heart (I left knowing he may well take his life but I'd heard the same threat countless times and he hadn't gone through with it to any success... .I knew if he went all the way this time I'd have to live with it forever and that is someone I love.  It killed me inside but it was killing me to stay with him and try to make something so dysfunctional work.  Ultimately it takes two to move forward and as the 'emotionally healthier' ones we need to remember that they are not capable of moving forwards if we enable them to act as a victim.  They need to learn to deal with their emotions and take charge of their own recovery.  No one else can do that for them.  Neither are we responsible for their behaviour.)

So the short answer of what to say is this.  NOTHING.  And PERMANENTLY.

If you want to send a final message, make it without strong emotion driven by the FOG, keep it short and wish him well with his recovery yet be CLEAR you want no further contact.  I'll happily share what I sent if you wish to hear it.  Don't talk about love, possibilities for the future or anything that could instill hope in him.  That would effectively 'keep the door open'.  Then say nothing more.  Any further contact from him you ignore.  Do not respond.  If possible, delete before reading or ask your daughter to do it for you.  It's hard but soon you'll start to feel relieved and calmer than you have in a long time.  Honestly I still miss him and ruminate sometimes however the sense of freedom and peace is incredible.  I read a quote somewhere:  She did not know the weight until she felt the freedom.  So very true.

Stay strong.  Remind yourself this is necessary.  Nothing good can come of staying in touch, for either of you.

Love and light x

[Rayban]

Chillamom

I'm questioning your desire to detach.  You keep spending your talking with him, now you met with him.  How in the world is that supposed to help you move on?

Your health is suffering. Your daughter hates him. You're seeing a T who's advising you to stay away. People on this forum have given you excellent advice such as; beginning to limit the amount of time you speak with end goal being to get to the point where you don't speak to him at all.

I know you're a good soul and you want to help him, but it's a kin to swimming over to save someone from drowning only to have them pull you down with them.

There is no secret words to tell him that will stop the lunacy. There are however actions that will end it. You know what those are. Up to you to decide if you want to detach. 

[RomanticFool]

Hi Chillamom,

Sorry you are struggling. It is very difficult when somebody who is in your heart tugs at your heart strings.

I  think you know that the only answer is NC. My ex contacted me yesterday on my birthday and I have now blocked her on WhatsApp.

You have to be strong in your determination to stay strong and sane. Only with NC can you truly heal.

RF

[chillamom]

Hi,

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded to my last post regarding "shutting the door" on my diagnosed ex BPD/NPD partner.  Mutt, patientandclear, Ox, RomanticFood, Rayban, Optimus RHYME, and Harley Quinn, I really appreciate your insights, and yes, I do know that NC will probably be my only way forward when I can finally gather the courage to do it.  I've been so depressed I can barely move.

I've been maintaining my boundaries with LC (phone/text only), but every day is like going through the breakup over and over again.  And of course with time I minimize everything that happened and start believing that maybe I was exaggerating and maybe things weren't so bad.  I'm starting to believe my own BS about that and it scares me.

He has been in the bargaining phase, where he is willing to only see me every week or so (with "benefits" included of course) and then he will allegedly walk quietly into the sunset at the end of the summer.  Obviously I don't believe this, and I am NOT RECYCLING, because unless I stop this endless drama NOW I will never move on with my life or have a chance at discovering the possibility of a suitable partner.

I dread the weekends because he really ramps it up, especially this weekend when my kids are not going to be at home.  It's been 5 months out of the relationship now, and I should be doing better.  I WOULD be doing better if I had gone NC way back, but my guilt prevents me from doing it to date.

Anyway, thank you all.  I'm currently reading an interesting book by Paul Bloom called "Against Empathy".  It's about the need for rational compassion and the fact that the much vaunted characteristic of empathy actually prevents us from making good and moral decisions.  Even though it's not about BPD relationships, I'm hoping that perhaps I can some find some wisdom here that will help me hold the line.