Is it my fault?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Counselors have told me my mother has BPD traits. My mother has never admitted it so she is undiagnosed to the best of my knowledge. In 2010 I was visiting my mom from out of town and she had four "episodes", each increasingly more volatile. This was my "last straw" over the course of 34 years of my life of her deciding all of the sudden to kick me out of the house, cut off finances, leaving me long letters telling me why I'm not loving or respectful enough in her home, or giving me three days of silent treatment with a final explosion. My last straw was her screaming and berating me for things I had done per her interpretation of my motives in a car. I couldn't get out of the car and she wouldn't stop. She dropped me off four hours early for my flight to the airport. Before I got out of the car I told her I wouldn't talk to her without a mediator, that this behavior ends here, and she must get help or I wouldn't relate to her again without it. That was the beginning of 7 years to this day of... .the family choosing to sympathize with her and to offer me no support. My one brother pacifies her by pretending everything is OK with her and me - while using his kids as a distraction. My other brother is her protector and talks to me very little now. He initially tried to call a family meeting, insisting that the boundaries would be that we would not talk about the past and we would all agree to move forward. I refused. At first I tried to make them all see my side. That only seemed to make matters worse and made me look overly emotional and as an easy target for ME to be labeled the "mentally ill" one. My brothers have said little over the years. Only acknowledging we've had trouble for as long as they can remember and this is all nothing new. My mother's sisters, my aunts, largely had no idea what I'm referring to and can't see why it's such a big deal and why can't I just get along for the sake of the whole family so we can all go on family vacation together. I tried over the years to make her see the truth of how painful her behavior has been. She's vehemently denied it and says it is because I was a difficult teenager who caused her to behave the way she did. She has told me I am the one who is mentally ill, I am the one who is BPD, and this is the reason why we have had all our problems in our family. My aunts have seen some of her behavior since I have been out of the picture. They have been targets of her attacks. They console each other but don't want to give in to the full scope of my claims so they rarely talk to me about it unless they are truly desperate. Every time they push through and smooth it over to try to resume normalcy in the family. I am happy they can do that. However, when she acts in ways that I perceive to be direct attacks at me, things I believe she is doing just to get a reaction out of me, I can't pretend it's normal. I have stopped trying to fix her or make her see my pain or how her behavior is irrational. I know now that is only going to hurt me more. Now, I try to be around her and the family and ignore her. Now she has recently resorted to using my nieces, my brother's kids to hurt me. She flaunts her close relationship or special things she does with them to hurt me. This is what I believe. My aunts and brother deny that she could possibly be doing that. In March, she took them to Disney World when it was a long agreed plan between me and my brothers that I would be taking them as their aunt and god mother to their first trip to Disney. One month after my brother and I discussed plans, she swooped in and took them. When I asked my brother why he didn't say something like, "____ has been planning to take the girls to disney since they were very little", he said "you can still take them! anyone who wants to take my girls to disney that I trust can take them!" It broke my heart as it was a dream of mine not having kids of my own.

I am always questioning my decision to cut her off. We used to talk every single day. She was in my every single thought process. She visited multiple times a year and vice versa. I felt our relationship was toxic and I got sick of going to very dark places in her mind with her and her leading me to dark places in mine. The world was a place to be feared, marriage was not about love, intimacy, friendship, laughter, joy was completely foreign. She lives in a world of constant scrutiny of herself and others.

Today, I live in torment of her words in my mind that I am the sick one, that I destroyed our family, that I am alone by my own choice. This torment that now lives on in my own mind with me scrutinizing myself and my own actions gets in the way of my marriage because we are always always talking about my family - there is always a holiday looming on the horizon we will have to deal with, there is always something little my mom has done that has gotten back to me to hurt me, or there is something that comes up in conversation with my brothers or aunts about her that blindsides me and derails me for three days, sometimes a week. However, I no longer am affected as badly as I used to be. I get better and stronger every day against the attacks. But I do have to work out in my mind the best way to respond that keeps me safe and that doesn't take on too much work to be the healthy one. This takes so much energy. And I DO struggle with suspicious thoughts of my own of coworkers, bosses, or friends trying to manipulate me. This I acknowledge is something she always did.

I feel like maybe I will never know for sure if she is diagnosable BPD, if my acting out behavior in my teenage years really did cause her to lose her mind as maybe other parents would (?), or if I am the problem in my whole family. I feel like I can't "move on" in life to be happy and at peace in my every day life until I answer these questions and until I know what reality REALLY is? There are two different versions here. How do I know? Sure, my counselors have told me they agree with her being BPD, but they have only heard my side of the story. Isn't it possible that I've convinced them of exactly what I want to hear? Isn't that what BPD people do?

Has anyone else dealt with questioning reality? Has anyone else found a way to establish truth in their lives? Has anyone else found a way to really "move on" to enjoy life?

[ciaocaramia]

Counselors have told me my mother has BPD traits. My mother has never admitted it so she is undiagnosed to the best of my knowledge. In 2010 I was visiting my mom from out of town and she had four "episodes", each increasingly more volatile. This was my "last straw" over the course of 34 years of my life of her deciding all of the sudden to kick me out of the house, cut off finances, leaving me long letters telling me why I'm not loving or respectful enough in her home, or giving me three days of silent treatment with a final explosion. My last straw was her screaming and berating me for things I had done per her interpretation of my motives in a car. I couldn't get out of the car and she wouldn't stop. She dropped me off four hours early for my flight to the airport. Before I got out of the car I told her I wouldn't talk to her without a mediator, that this behavior ends here, and she must get help or I wouldn't relate to her again without it. That was the beginning of 7 years to this day of... .the family choosing to sympathize with her and to offer me no support. My one brother pacifies her by pretending everything is OK with her and me - while using his kids as a distraction. My other brother is her protector and talks to me very little now. He initially tried to call a family meeting, insisting that the boundaries would be that we would not talk about the past and we would all agree to move forward. I refused. At first I tried to make them all see my side. That only seemed to make matters worse and made me look overly emotional and as an easy target for ME to be labeled the "mentally ill" one. My brothers have said little over the years. Only acknowledging we've had trouble for as long as they can remember and this is all nothing new. My mother's sisters, my aunts, largely had no idea what I'm referring to and can't see why it's such a big deal and why can't I just get along for the sake of the whole family so we can all go on family vacation together. I tried over the years to make her see the truth of how painful her behavior has been. She's vehemently denied it and says it is because I was a difficult teenager who caused her to behave the way she did. She has told me I am the one who is mentally ill, I am the one who is BPD, and this is the reason why we have had all our problems in our family. My aunts have seen some of her behavior since I have been out of the picture. They have been targets of her attacks. They console each other but don't want to give in to the full scope of my claims so they rarely talk to me about it unless they are truly desperate. Every time they push through and smooth it over to try to resume normalcy in the family. I am happy they can do that. However, when she acts in ways that I perceive to be direct attacks at me, things I believe she is doing just to get a reaction out of me, I can't pretend it's normal. I have stopped trying to fix her or make her see my pain or how her behavior is irrational. I know now that is only going to hurt me more. Now, I try to be around her and the family and ignore her. Now she has recently resorted to using my nieces, my brother's kids to hurt me. She flaunts her close relationship or special things she does with them to hurt me. This is what I believe. My aunts and brother deny that she could possibly be doing that. In March, she took them to Disney World when it was a long agreed plan between me and my brothers that I would be taking them as their aunt and god mother to their first trip to Disney. One month after my brother and I discussed plans, she swooped in and took them. When I asked my brother why he didn't say something like, "____ has been planning to take the girls to disney since they were very little", he said "you can still take them! anyone who wants to take my girls to disney that I trust can take them!" It broke my heart as it was a dream of mine not having kids of my own.

I am always questioning my decision to cut her off. We used to talk every single day. She was in my every single thought process. She visited multiple times a year and vice versa. I felt our relationship was toxic and I got sick of going to very dark places in her mind with her and her leading me to dark places in mine. The world was a place to be feared, marriage was not about love, intimacy, friendship, laughter, joy was completely foreign. She lives in a world of constant scrutiny of herself and others.

Today, I live in torment of her words in my mind that I am the sick one, that I destroyed our family, that I am alone by my own choice. This torment that now lives on in my own mind with me scrutinizing myself and my own actions gets in the way of my marriage because we are always always talking about my family - there is always a holiday looming on the horizon we will have to deal with, there is always something little my mom has done that has gotten back to me to hurt me, or there is something that comes up in conversation with my brothers or aunts about her that blindsides me and derails me for three days, sometimes a week. However, I no longer am affected as badly as I used to be. I get better and stronger every day against the attacks. But I do have to work out in my mind the best way to respond that keeps me safe and that doesn't take on too much work to be the healthy one. This takes so much energy. And I DO struggle with suspicious thoughts of my own of coworkers, bosses, or friends trying to manipulate me. This I acknowledge is something she always did.

I feel like maybe I will never know for sure if she is diagnosable BPD, if my acting out behavior in my teenage years really did cause her to lose her mind as maybe other parents would (?), or if I am the problem in my whole family. I feel like I can't "move on" in life to be happy and at peace in my every day life until I answer these questions and until I know what reality REALLY is? There are two different versions here. How do I know? Sure, my counselors have told me they agree with her being BPD, but they have only heard my side of the story. Isn't it possible that I've convinced them of exactly what I want to hear? Isn't that what BPD people do?

Has anyone else dealt with questioning reality? Has anyone else found a way to establish truth in their lives? Has anyone else found a way to really "move on" to enjoy life?

[gotbushels]

Hi ciaocaramia 

Welcome.

Counselors have told me my mother has BPD traits. My mother has never admitted it so she is undiagnosed to the best of my knowledge. In 2010 I was visiting my mom from out of town and she had four "episodes", each increasingly more volatile.

Yes, having a mother with BPD traits that is undiagnosed can make life incredibly difficult for both the mother and daughter as well as the family as a whole.

(... .) easy target for ME to be labeled the "mentally ill" one. My brothers have said little over the years. Only acknowledging we've had trouble for as long as they can remember and this is all nothing new.

It's normal for the members without BPD inside a family (with one member being a pwBPD) to not know what a normal family looks and feels like.

My mother's sisters, my aunts, largely had no idea what I'm referring to and can't see why it's such a big deal and why can't I just get along for the sake of the whole family so we can all go on family vacation together.

Unfortunately, few people can understand it. This site is one place you can find places where people will understand your position. I found this to be true with a pwBPDSO.

I tried over the years to make her see the truth of how painful her behavior has been.

To attempt to enlist support of others outside the relationship is a normal reaction to living with a pwBPD.

She's vehemently denied it and says it is because I was a difficult teenager who caused her to behave the way she did. She has told me I am the one who is mentally ill, I am the one who is BPD, and this is the reason why we have had all our problems in our family.

A BPDm may attempt to scapegoat the child because of the problems in the family. While it may make one feel angry or dejected, I encourage you to define what your own role has been. One thing nons can do is to validate their own opinions in this way. I think that's especially true if the pwBPD is a parent.

My aunts have seen some of her behavior since I have been out of the picture. They have been targets of her attacks. They console each other but don't want to give in to the full scope of my claims so they rarely talk to me about it unless they are truly desperate.

Sometimes, what's more true may be more painful than glossing over the truth. As a result of that, some people avoid it.

I am always questioning my decision to cut her off. We used to talk every single day. She was in my every single thought process. She visited multiple times a year and vice versa. I felt our relationship was toxic and I got sick of going to very dark places in her mind with her and her leading me to dark places in mine.

You certainly aren't alone with these thoughts. When an adult child of a borderline is separated from the unhealthy relationship, then self-questioning often results.

I feel like maybe I will never know for sure if she is diagnosable BPD, if my acting out behavior in my teenage years really did cause her to lose her mind as maybe other parents would (?), or if I am the problem in my whole family.

I encourage you NOT to give in to the face value of what she says as being the whole truth. Yes, anxiety from adolescents may stress the parent, but on its own it wouldn't cause them to "lose their mind".

I feel like I can't "move on" in life to be happy and at peace in my every day life until I answer these questions and until I know what reality REALLY is? There are two different versions here.

When I was in a place of tremendous uncertainty, I sought help of a P to figure these kinds of questions out. The main reason I found him was to help with my relationship, but he pointed me in many directions for myself that had extremely beneficial consequences for my relational life as a whole. So, I encourage you to do the same. A P or T (preferably with DBT qualifications) can be an invaluable adjunct to your time figuring your life out, with your mother being a part of it.

How do I know? Sure, my counselors have told me they agree with her being BPD, but they have only heard my side of the story. Isn't it possible that I've convinced them of exactly what I want to hear? Isn't that what BPD people do?

A suitably qualified P or T will work with the fact that they are often only dealing with one party to an issue. They do work with this limitation. Yes, it is possible that you've convinced them to tell you what you want to hear, and it's also possible that they are giving you a professional opinion given what you've told them. Many people attempt to gain the support of a P or T, not just pwBPDs. So from here, what can you do about their advice?

Has anyone else dealt with questioning reality? Has anyone else found a way to establish truth in their lives? Has anyone else found a way to really "move on" to enjoy life?

Yes. Yes. And yes. I hope you'll continue on this path so you can find answers like many of us here have.

[Highlander]

Hi Ciaocaramia,

My husband has been going through a similar situation.  The more we discovered that his mother was unwell, the more his mother would approach his family members, getting in first to convince them that he was the one that was crazy (clinically proven he is not) but also that I apparently made him crazy (also clinically proven that I am not). 

I mean what sort of mother spends her energy into turning your family against you?  From my experience, my BPD MIL continues to do this to her own son (even though he is now a 40 year old man)!

Believe me I am not new to my MIL now using a very young niece and nephew to turn against us.  Playing with these children's minds.  WOW!

But... .now it's affecting your marriage. 

My dear husband has been through therapy in which they have concluded his mother has BPD.  I have also been doing therapy with his therapists and at times with him in the same sessions, at other times not.  His therapists have the ability to cross reference what we say about his mother's behaviour and have still concluded his mother has BPD.  Even though my husband also did act out in his teenage years, they believe this was likely due to his mother's BPD and father's NPD.

Along with what you tell your therapists, surely your husband has witnessed the same irrational behavior and surely he has come to the same conclusions seeing he has been there to witness many events?

You stated your marriage is in turmoil because you are always talking about it.  What may help is that you have found this site and you can now find other avenues to express to other like minded people who are experiencing similar turmoil as yourself.  I too I have come here for many reasons.  One of which is to release without loading too much on my husband.