need advice and help to move on

[jody452]

Hi
My ex partner has BPD, I keep trying to tell myself that she doesn't. That I can win her back that I can show her she deserves to be loved and that she is ok.
Everything I have read on this site is true, she came into my life and filled a void I had she made me feel special and important and I just wanted to save her regardless of what it did to me.
I sit here now almost 2 months after we split and she has said time and time again that she doesn't see a future with me, that she no longer feels the way she did. Yet all I hang onto it that she said she cant come back right now that shes scared it will only be a short term fix and that it will all happen again.
She cheated that's what brought it to the final end, has never really said sorry for cheating. All I got was a I don't know why I did it, when it first happened there was a slight sorry. Now all I get is that she wasn't happy, that I was disconnected and she felt like I wasnt interested in her.
I need help I don't know how to let go of her, or how to move on. I spend 80% of my day thinking about her, thinking what I can do or say to win her back. Deep down I know she is already with someone else that she doesn't know how to be alone. I also know that she is right we wont work. Truth be told from day 1, I knew we wouldn't I knew she would break me but I also thought if I loved her enough that she might change.
I don't know how to get passed this, if anyone has been though this and has some advice I would love to hear it. I am going to therapy but its not enough.

[Turkish]

Truth be told from day 1, I knew we wouldn't I knew she would break me but I also thought if I loved her enough that she might change.

Truth be told, I thought this as well... .and I went on to have two kids with my ex... .

You seem conflicted in that you feel it won't work, but if you might try harder, it might,  is this correct?

Trying to love someone enough so we think that they will reciprocate and love us likewise is a common struggle we deal with here. You are not alone.  



Turkish

[Rocky6]

I'll be blunt: Let her go!

It sounds like there is no marriage/kids?  If so, be thankful that that is not a part of the situation.  Each person is 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship.  You can't contribute more than your share (and her less) and make anything meaningful work.   

[roberto516]

I'll be blunt: Let her go!

It sounds like there is no marriage/kids?  If so, be thankful that that is not a part of the situation.  Each person is 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship.  You can't contribute more than your share (and her less) and make anything meaningful work.   

There's an article I read about why people fall out of love. In a nutshell, it talks about having to put 50/50 into the relationship. Being able to remind yourself of the good things as opposed to all the negatives, and being able to look at self-sabotage and self-defeating patterns you have brought into relationships and want to work to change those.

Can't happen with someone who has BPD. And it hurt me to admit that. So yes, if you don't have a partner who can contribute it's better for you, for all of us, to just let it go. As hard as it is. It's hard for me too. 

[RomanticFool]

Hi Jody452,

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I have had almost 7 weeks no contact with my uBPDex married lover and I am starting to feel less pain.

My ex partner has BPD, I keep trying to tell myself that she doesn't. That I can win her back that I can show her she deserves to be loved and that she is ok.
Everything I have read on this site is true, she came into my life and filled a void I had she made me feel special and important and I just wanted to save her regardless of what it did to me.

The realisation that we are in a relationship with somebody who is incapable of fulfilling our needs is shocking, You are currently going through the grieving stage and I urge you to read the suggested literature at the top of this board and see where you are in the process. However, bad you feel, remember: This too shall pass.

I sit here now almost 2 months after we split and she has said time and time again that she doesn't see a future with me, that she no longer feels the way she did. Yet all I hang onto it that she said she cant come back right now that she's scared it will only be a short term fix and that it will all happen again.
She cheated that's what brought it to the final end, has never really said sorry for cheating. All I got was a I don't know why I did it, when it first happened there was a slight sorry. Now all I get is that she wasn't happy, that I was disconnected and she felt like I wasn't interested in her.

Don't blame yourself. It takes two to make a relationship work. Nothing you did would have made any difference. A person with BPD suffers dysregulation in the following areas:

1. Emotion Dysregulation: Emotion dysregulation means not managing your emotions in context. It happens when you must reduce or escape your emotions by not managing them, without regard to consequences. Emotional dysregulation can be rage, anxiety, depression, and not feeling validated.  

2. Interpersonal Dysregulation: Interpersonal dysregulation is indicated by chaotic relationships and fears of abandonment.

3. Self Dysregulation: Self dysregulation means an unstable sense of self and a sense of emptiness.

4. Behavioral Dysregulation: Behavioral dysregulation is characterized by self-injury and impulsive behaviors (such as substance abuse and promiscuity).

5. Cognitive Dysregulation: Cognitive dysregulation is indicated by paranoia and dissociative responses that are made worse by stressful situations.  

Dysregulation in any of these areas occurs when a person with BPD is out of control, not simply upset. Through the skills learned in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, you can learn to better control all of these areas by taking a step back, being more mindful, analyzing what works, and acquiring new behaviors.

With all of that going on, she simply cannot process your needs and wants. A pwBPD essentially is confused about what they really want. They react on impulse to ease their pain at any given moment. Unless you are well versed in empathic responses, it is very difficult to cope with and even then they will still act out. You cannot save a pwBPD.

I need help I don't know how to let go of her, or how to move on. I spend 80% of my day thinking about her, thinking what I can do or say to win her back. Deep down I know she is already with someone else that she doesn't know how to be alone. I also know that she is right we wont work. Truth be told from day 1, I knew we wouldn't I knew she would break me but I also thought if I loved her enough that she might change.

You are experiencing grief. It will help if you read up on grief cycles and the pain of being abandoned. You are in shock at the moment but it will get easier in time.

Don't spend your time in rumination about what she may or may not be doing. Focus on you.
 

I don't know how to get passed this, if anyone has been though this and has some advice I would love to hear it. I am going to therapy but its not enough.

You will get past this and you have come to the right place. What you need to do is look at Co-dependency in relationships and see how it relates to you: Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.

Do you expend all of your energy in meeting your partner’s needs? Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Are you the one that is constantly making sacrifices in your relationship? Then you may be in a codependent relationship.

Read the suggested literature at the top of this board. Keep posting here when you feel low. Most importantly of all, maintain no contact with your ex and then you will heal much faster. We are all here for you.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jody,

Welcome.  You will find this place a wealth of experience and wisdom.  I'm so glad you found the site.  I'm new on here too and have been reading for some time before posting.  What I have learned has made such a huge difference to me in how I've taken back control and started to put myself first.  Healing takes time though, so be patient with yourself.  It's natural to feel as you do after such an intense relationship.  What you have experienced is nothing like being with a 'normal' partner.  The good news is that you've come to a place where everyone understands that and can relate to you so as others have said, keep posting.  I've had great advice and help already and have only just begun to post myself.  It's a really supportive environment and one I feel we all so badly need at this time.  What a blessing that this community exists.  Without it I think there would be a whole lot more pain being endured. 

My thoughts are that we need to be kind and patient with ourselves.  Allow the feelings you feel to occur and try if possible to step back from them too and observe them with curiosity and acceptance.  That way they can begin to pass.  And pass they will.  It isn't easy.  pwBPD can make us feel so desperate - desperate to keep it together by holding on to the engulfing passion of their idealisation and simultaneously desperate to get out of all the chaos and trauma they inflict.  I found the insight on how to survive the breakup of a relationship so bang on accurate that it stopped me in my tracks when I was wishing for the resurrection of all that had been so incredibly good at the start.  It put things in perspective for me. 

Over time you will gradually move forwards.  I know it doesn't feel like it now but just take one step at a time.  Try to find things that make you feel good and you enjoy doing to occupy yourself.  Every minute passed without the longing is another positive step.  Most of all, try to be kind to yourself.  In time you may well come to see her rejection as a lucky escape.  Look after yourself.

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jody, Welcome!  In my view, you are going through withdrawal, which is quite common after a b/u with a pwBPD.  You could think of it as short-term pain in exchange for long-term happiness.  Many here end up recycling, perhaps because they think it will relieve the pain, only to wind up in the same place with more pain down the line.  Suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  Be kind and caring to yourself.  It does get better.

LuckyJim

[blueblue12]

Hey Jody,
Wish you all the best with your journey. It is tough at the beggining, I too felt the desperation of trying to get back and was recycled once! I am now at a better place thanks to my T who constantly tells me to take my time, don't rush, he says, there is no rush, let things sort out themselves and if six months down the track you can meet and really work it out then think about again, at the moment though it is a rather rocky road that I am currently not interested in pursuing.

I also think about my ex daily but not as much as I use to and nowadays without the desperation of trying to reach her of trying to work out things before she meets the next guy. I have reached a point where as she already did that to me it's not going to hurt much more now. I am also in a more settled position where I look at what she did to me, how badly she disposed of me that I couldn't trust her not doing that to me in future if we got back together. I also don't know if I can actually forgive her, why should I? I was 100% devoted, she broke that and she did it in such a cold way that I need to respect myself again.

Your situation although sounds like it is final, as was mine, with the BPD partners most of us had, they have a strange way of forgetting all the bad treatment, all the bad things they did and come back as if you can just move on and forget everything. So don't discount your ex changing her mind and seeking you out again. My advice with some experience here now is do not follow through, act cool and collected and look after yourself as much as you feel close to your ex and as you feel like going through a recycle. As my T says, after years and years she has now found the strength to disingage from you, leave you, so it will happen again for sure... .

[StayStrongNow]

Jody, thank you so much for your post. You help remind me of how I was early in the devaluation and discard phases after being 10 1/2 years in the idealization phase. Your hurt and hope rings in my memory. This has been a devastating part of your life and I am so sorry this happened to you.

If you are like me the seconds seemed like minutes, minutes seemed like hours ... etc... thinking of those should ofs, could ofs, would ofs. But as you learn more about pwBPD both here and elsewhere you may discover the r/s would never go the distance. In my case no matter what, the uxBPDw would have eventually devalued me as soon as her unrealistically high expectations would have not been met by her of me.

Now I have as little contact as possible except for what is needed for I have full custody of our 3 children, G11, G9 and B7. I do now realize that I cannot have a r/s with a pwBPD. The cost will always exceed the benefits. I also have found great satisfaction in forgiving her for the things she did to me. But I will never forget, these things happened to me and are now are a part of my life. I also think I am still in the greiving process. I know I will never "get over it" but I am definitely walking slowly through the greiving process. The main thing I realize now is that simply I don't want her anymore. And someday I will find someone more compatble but that's down the road, I am still healing and this season will change.

Let go.

[jody452]

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

I know i need to move on, she is already dating someone else. I know its her pattern, and that she never goes back. Yet I still hope.
I know I played a part in the relationship not working and I do think or more so I am sure I have became co-dependent in this relationship. I think I believed if I loved her enough and gave enough that it wouldn't have ended like this. So yes I did give up myself alot to do that. I now see how wrong that was. Crazy thing I knew I was doing it, right from the start I would tell myself this girl is going to break me but if I save her it will be worth it.
So I have to let go, I know this. I just don't know how.
So any good advice on letting go? Getting over addiction I think I am addicted to her.
Does any one have any suggestions for when you cant stop thinking about her, the good times and all the empty promises made.
I try to remind myself of the bad times when I get lost in these thoughts, but I always get sucked back into the good times and don't know how to stop that way of thinking.
I've read so many things online and even my therapist tells me people with BPD cant change without treatment and that 99.9% of relationships with someone with BPD don't work.
Do anyone who has gone through this what have you found helps when all you can do is think about them?

[roberto516]

.
So I have to let go, I know this. I just don't know how.
So any good advice on letting go? Getting over addiction I think I am addicted to her.
Does any one have any suggestions for when you cant stop thinking about her, the good times and all the empty promises made.
I try to remind myself of the bad times when I get lost in these thoughts, but I always get sucked back into the good times and don't know how to stop that way of thinking.
I've read so many things online and even my therapist tells me people with BPD cant change without treatment and that 99.9% of relationships with someone with BPD don't work.
Do anyone who has gone through this what have you found helps when all you can do is think about them?

It's what I'm struggling with. But I kept reaching out. Leaving the door open for recycles and attempts to use me which were successful.

What works best for me is to talk to people about it. Thankfully I work in the drug/alcohol field so people can relate to how this really was an addiction for me. I also come here ALOT. I find talking and relating helps right now. This is the best place to do that for me. As time goes on I'll be here less and less but for now I need it.

I also journal and try to write about the emotion that's driving the desire. When I find the emotion I try to write about why it's affecting me. Not about her. This helps too. And sometimes I do journal exactly what I want to tell her. But alot of journaling is reminding myself what contact wI'll do. Which is hurt me no matter what.

It's tough. So so hard. Much harder than my first BPD ex. But it will pass. I'm 48 hours "clean" right now. And that's pretty cool for me.

Keep coming here and sharing. Remind yourself of the bad times when the good times creep in. We have to remember the pain right now. Or else we will think fondly. AND it's not helpful right now. Sorry for rambling.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jody,

I used to practice mindfulness for a pain condition I have, and the related depression.  I say 'used to' because when I'm going through really tough times (when I need to care for myself the most) that's when I drop everything that is beneficial for me.  In recognising this I quickly got myself onto a course for a refresher, which basically now 'makes' me at a set time on a set day practice.  It is helping me not only with the aftermath of the r/s but also the surrounding impact (a custody battle for my son and the intense tension between myself and his father - not the BPD ex but a challenging person in himself).  I am also on a programme for domestic abuse victims.  Between these, gradually I'm working through my feelings and re learning some acceptance of difficult and uncomfortable emotions.  

What I'm not saying is run out and learn mindfulness (if you don't already have this tool in the bag), as much as I find it helpful.  That choice is your own.  What I'm getting at is that committing yourself to some form of self evolving behaviour, whatever that may be, is a good distraction and a way to start to build your strength.  If you can turn your attention from her needs and onto your own it will only benefit you in the long term as well as the short.  

So ask yourself what you were leaving by the wayside for her that you'd like to resurrect, or what didn't you get around to starting that you'd aspired to do?  Then jump in with both feet and at least for that allotted time you will be doing something tangible towards getting through this.  Every moment spent thinking of yourself instead is a positive moment spent.  

It really is difficult to stop the memory train and stay in the present because of the intense highs we've experienced with our pwBPD.  We all have these painful thoughts about our ex's so can empathise with you, and as Roberto says, coming here to share and read what others are experiencing is so very cathartic.  I'm finding it a real lifeline and dread to think of the state I'd be in right now without discovering this site.  From the time served members I can see that it gets easier so let's stick with it and pull together.  We CAN do this.  Believe in yourself and remember what's good for you - and what isn't.

Love and light x    

[Harley Quinn]

PS Here's the link to the Insight I mentioned in my first reply, just in case you haven't yet discovered it.  Has helped me TONS.

Look after yourself.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[kc sunshine]

Hi Jody!   

From a DBT approach, one way to help regulate the emotion of love when it doesn't "fit the facts" (e.g. when you are broken up) or when it has the relationship has become ineffective for you (e.g. towards your goal of having a supportive and fulfilling intimate relationship), is to do the "opposite action" of the emotion. The thinking/wisdom behind this approach is that your emotions will follow your actions. For love, the opposite action is:

AVOID the person, animal or object you love
DISTRACT from thoughts of the person animal or object
REMIND yourself of the “cons” of loving
Do the OPPOSITE of other loving action urges

I've been trying to do this!  Maybe we can work on these things together!

[jody452]

I told her it had to be goodbye.

She wrote to me again to thank me for teaching her that she didn't have to cut herself or end her life. She also said that she hopes therapy helps me to start putting myself first and to be able to express my emotions.

It is killing me to read it cause she knows me so well, all I want to do is write back and ask to try again. I know she is dating someone else although she has said to me she is just sleeping with them. I know her answer will be no.

I know her pattern, I lived through it when she left her last partner for me. I'm sure this is why all of her ex's don't let go she feeds us tiny pieces of what we need.

I'm scared I know i don'y love my self enough that i don't think i am enough, that I feel like she is the only person who ever really has loved me for me. How do I not reply? Even though I know that by doing so she wont come back and I'll end up even more hurt.

[roberto516]

First I would just breathe. Reeeeaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy long inhale, and then a reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaalllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy long exhale. Make sure you exhale longer than you inhale until you have exhaled it all out. See how you feel after a couple rounds. You just have to calm your brain down for a minute. Then I would write down the pro's and cons of reaching out. Be brutally honest. Do you know what happens when I do it? 3-4 pro's and 15-20 cons. Puts me back in perspective. Plese keep sharing here

[jody452]

Thanks Roberto

You are right the con's do outweigh the pro's.

I know she doesn't want back into the relationship and the adult part of my brain also knows I don't have much left to give it. That she is draining, that it wont work that nothing I do will ever be enough for her. That I cant talk reason with her and it will just be another email where I pour my heart out to get no where.

But the child part of my brain keeps saying I need her to feel good about myself, that it can't hurt more than it already does why not go in for another round.

[Icefog]

Hi Jody. I can relate to your entire thread. I still ruminate about my ex BPD partner a lot but it is getting better. I have been 4 months NC and that has helped. What also has helped is processing it with a therapist and with supports that are objective and genuinely concerned for me. Also being able to sit in your feelings, recognize them for what they are and that it's a process helps as well. Cut yourself some slack when you're feeling down and recognize her behavior for what it is and try to be grateful that you are moving forward... .even if it seems slow. I would much rather be 2 miles away from hell leaving it than 2000 miles away going towards it... .