Moving out of marital home

[joeramabeme]

I am 17 months post-divorce and 22 months post-her leaving.  I had decided to stay here as I felt it was best for my healing, even while some of that “healing” was holding a hope.

We had planned to buy this home, and I was going to get a great job with benefits and flexibility so that we could achieve our family dreams together.  While those things are now in place and possible; she and I are no longer and I am having the ethereal “I cant believe she really did not want this and walked away” moment.

I have been thinking lately about my personal life decisions and responsibilities that lead me to the point when I met her.  I don’t mean decisions where I was “to blame”; rather, that I had been living a life situation that readily lent itself to meeting her and fulfilling her need to be in control of someone.  At that time, I was many years behind a typical development curve and had all but lost hope that I would ever get to a place of realizing any of my life goals or even a reasonable degree of my capacities.  Given my childhood background, these circumstances were understandable, even if a little unreasonable.

But Her coaching (control) took me from a very low point and lifted me to a place that I didn’t even know I needed to go or could get to; far surpassing any expectation I had even thought about for myself.  Now, in many ways, my life has never been better!  And yet, the same things that she worked so hard with me to change and craft for our future were the same things that made me unattractive (out of control) to her. 

Realizing that the house we wanted to and could buy is now available and instead of buying I am having to move out of as a single guy, has left me feeling utterly dumbfounded.  What a strange situation to face having achieved what was supposedly the goal but was actually the end. 

My inner hope feels greatly diminished at a core level.  All of this has just left me scratching my head, putting together the past pieces and trying to accept that I really never had any say in all of this to begin with; it was kind of written in the cards from early on and now I am just trying to find some inner purpose to fill all of the false hope I had.

Moving is no fun!

[Sluggo]

Joerambeme,

So sorry to hear you are going through this. 

I found myself in love of the 'hope' of what I thought my marriage could be.  I still do when she is in a good mood.  However, that is probably why I stayed so long is that she knew what she needed to say to me when I was on the edge, to bring me back in and I would cling to that hope again.

[nomore2give]

Take away the positives.  You realized you have more potential - while she may have "coached" it - she didn't DO it.  You got you to where you are.

Do not allow another person to define who you are - your goals, or potential.

Leverage off this, where you are, and get some self help books for whatever was causing your lack of drive or optimism.  Continue growing from where you've gotten with her, not where you were without her.

Good luck!  And yes - moving sucks!

[Stjarna]

Joeramabeme - Your writing shows that you have done a great deal of soul-searching and "work" on yourself and have gained so much insight.  This is a gift that no one can take from you and will allow you to be in a totally different kind of relationship in the future -- this is the hope that I hang onto for myself also. 

Maybe moving out of the house will close the chapter and allow you to look forward.  Hugs -- 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Joe, it's hard I'm sure, but in my view moving out is a healthy response that shows how much you've grown.  You don't need to be reminded of her and your plans together.  You're not just moving out, you're moving UP, which is an exciting prospect.

LJ

[lovenature]

“I cant believe she really did not want this and walked away”

Truth is she wanted it more than even she realized.

All of this has just left me scratching my head, putting together the past pieces and trying to accept that I really never had any say in all of this to begin with

Not having a say in things and being controlled are results of the illness running it's course between two willing partners, truth is PWBPD desperately want a partner who will make decisions, show values, make them feel better about themselves; sadly when we try to do these things for them we get too close and trigger their fear of engulfment and their psychological defences take over and push us away. When it gets too fearful for them they walk away or force us too.

[joeramabeme]

truth is PWBPD desperately want a partner who will make decisions, show values, make them feel better about themselves; sadly when we try to do these things for them we get too close and trigger their fear of engulfment and their psychological defences take over and push us away.

lovenature, I had never seen this angle about Engulfment before. 

During our marriage I was so confused, I remember scratching my head wondering how my perceptions told me that she wanted me to be more direct and take charge and each time I did this resulted in her having a high degree of anxiety that was accompanied by sharp and cutting tones and words and anger. 

At the end of the marriage I actually decided to just move forward with what I believed to be for us and move us in the direction that we wanted to go in; rather than around in circles that we had been spinning in for so long.  I think she felt that this was the last of her "control"; control that she needed to feel safe but was keeping us stuck.  There was no winning combination of my having a hands-off versus hands-on approach that ever was able to address the situation.

We house shopped for so long without ever buying one.  I always wondered why she seemed to be in a constant state of wanting but not having; maybe this is it; it was a back and forth between needing to be in control and wanting to have some leadership but not being comfortable with either.

Thanks for this observation.

[RedPill]

Hey Joe,
I hope you are able to put some demons to bed with this move. You go, Joe!

I found myself in love of the 'hope' of what I thought my marriage could be.

So true. I call this the 'fantasy future' goggles I wore throughout our marriage. "Maybe when we get married she'll be happy. Maybe when we have a child she'll be happy. Maybe when we buy a house. Maybe when I make more money. Maybe when the kid goes to college." And on and on ... .
--
RP