Honestly...how can you love...how can you hope?

[Keep]

All,

I have posted here a few times with regard to my BPD wife.  Long story short is that she has been diagnosed by two independent therapists, but of course has never been told.  She would never admit to anything.

We have been married for 25 yrs and have a 13 yr old son.  She has all the classic traits (raging out of the blue, blames everyone (especially me) for anything, has to be in control etc.).  Her mother (and grandmother) are nearly identical in this regard.  Even though my wife had an abused childhood (was from an unwanted pregnancy where her mom/dad tried to abort her, and her mom had siblings with two other men) I think some of her tendencies were inherited.

Anyway her personality of "when she is up she is the most pleasant person you could be married to"  to one second later she can destroy you with the most vile, denigrating,  destructive talk,  is taking its toll on me.  Many times she has screamed that she wants a divorce, but has no means to support herself.  She gave up a career in probation/parole (her college major) years ago when she "hated it" and has worked in the church/christian education for pennies for the last 20 yrs.

My long winded explanation so far is leading to this:

At her last school she was the Administrator.  That school closed down just a few weeks ago due to severely declining enrollment.  Since that time she applied for a clerk position with the US Court system.  It is a fed job and if she gets it she will have the career/benefits to make good on her threat and dump me ( of course demanding that my son go live with her - I can see that coming).

She just called me all giddy that she did so well in her job interview.  Of course I congratulated her and am encouraging her to do the best she can.  All the while knowing that, just two years ago, I left the house at 0400 to fly clear across the country for a job interview... .and she never even got out of bed to wish me well or say goodbye.  My 11 yr old woke up and walked outside in the cold in his pj's and barefeet as I was pulling away to wave, to say he loved me, and to wish me to come home soon. 

Needless to say it is hard to overcome the emptiness I feel.  I think in some ways she has no idea the damage she does.  On the other hand I think she does sometimes.  Even so if she gets this job... .

The result of all my rambling ----->  What do I do now?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Desperately down]

I know exactly how you feel!

My wife is constantly talk me down, if I'm happy she quickly reverts to telling me how crappy I am and how she is "tired of me" do you know lately I have started to notice that when she has one of these tantrums (which she does often), she has a slight smile on her face. It reminds me of an article I read once on what psychologist call duper delight. It when someone is lying to you and express subtle facial gestures to show their pleasure at you believing their lie.

I have sat and continue to sit watching her do this with everyone around her. She can't stand to think that people see that she is sometimes happy. She has this character that is obessed with being the victim. I have begun to suspect that these tantrum are her way reinforcing her own identity as the victim.  I don't know! I am at a point where you heading caught my attention! How does one cope? I am fighting to try, but no matter what I do I fail. I am actually finding my self beginning to despise her and that is not who I am! Up I have never hated anyone