I know its crazy...

[vaztek2003]

Im posting this because my mind has been littered with so many thoughts about my BPDx.

For some strange reason it bothers me that she didnt give me a 2nd chance... .

I know its crazy, but I just keep going back to how her ex who she said would sexually assault her and control every aspect of her life got chance after chance, yet I who treated her like royalty and respected her got the NC treatment after I just outright asked her to answer if she was looking to move on or needed space, or was unsure. When she broke up with me (through text) she wasnt mad, she just said she was too unstable for a romantic relationship, as she had a sexual encounter with another woman that day and she now really believed she was into girls... .something that came out of left field as she never gave off hints towards that and she would overshare so much about her life, wayyyy too much, but never said I might be into girls, mind you we were close friends before dating.

I understand things we cant control, but it boggles my mind how a woman who couldnt go a day without contacting me about a work or home related issue as I was always "the first person she thought of" could just cut me off completely. Its going on 3 weeks of NC between us. My mind is telling me Im stupid for hoping for contact, but my ego is hoping to hear from her, . Something tells me she will never reach out though I was cordial till the end, even told her I held no ill will towards her.

[vaztek2003]

Its also crazy because literally her room is surrounded by things I gifted her in our 4 years... .the makeup she loves, the fragrances, clothing, stuffed animals... .literally surrounded, yet they detach and forget soo quickly... .Insane

[Turkish]

The sudden cut-off is both maddening and hurtful, the Splitting (see here for more).

Lawson, in the book Understanding The Borderline Mother,  commented specifically, "to a Borderline, lying feels like survival." This could be applied to other BPD behaviors as well.  It's what's "worked" for them in order to deal with often uncontrollable emotions. The emotional dysregulation is at the core of the disorder. The dysfunctional coping mechanisms are what cause pain to others.

You did well being kind in the end,  and I would own this as you did the right thing. What is hard,  and correct me if I'm wrong,  is that you feel that you did the right things in the r/s and yet were still treated shabbily. Personally, I own that I did well for the most part (leaving aside ruminating about where I may have gone wrong in tactical situations from time to time).

Another core trait of the disorder is shame. Going out on a limb here,  but she could feel so badly about herself that your kindness might trigger her shame. Hard to tell.  At the end of the day,  all we are left with ourselves to understand,  and about whom only weer can fully understand.

[jody452]

I think we struggle to understand the same way any one does when a relationship ends. It is always harder for the person left behind to put the pieces back together. I guess people with BPD have their brains wired differently. From what I read they think differently to most.

I say this but have yet to be able to do it myself. Stick to no contact and know in the long run you will be better off for it. It will hurt like hell but you are stronger than you think. You had a life before them and will have one after.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but my ex gave us a second chance and it only hurts more the second time they leave. So try again and again to tell yourself that you are enough and that you don't need them to survive.

[vaztek2003]

Youre exactly right. I feel as I did everything right from my perspective to the point in which she would say I was "perfect" and  "deserved better" and "I would be an important person for her" yet I couldnt even get her to answer a simple yes or no question through text (Questioned if she wanted to move on or had moved on) granted it was after I sent her 3 loong texts on how I cared/loved her and how I would fight for her if she wanted me to. I really would have accepted if she had told me she wanted to move on. but when I ask to talk to you for at least 5 minutes and you reply with only this link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKaT_8kICHE) an obscure lyrics video, after telling me "I know things are up in the air between us" just days after telling me it was over because she thought she was into women now... .just maddening.

I can see her feeling shame, but all I asked for was just a way to move on which we talked about countless times. I can see her cutting off her ex's as her words were that they were ___ty people, but it feels bad to be treated the same as them.

[vaztek2003]

See thats the weird part. I think I would be able to move on had she just said she ddint care for me anymore... .but the silence after those texts just left my mind wondering about millions of scenarios, .

My ego is the one who wishes she'd at least make contact... .as it feels like I was left powerless in the r/s end.

[Turkish]

One of the hardest things for Detaching members is to gift ourselves closure, because in most cases, the other partner won't provide it. 

[happendtome]

3 weeks is too early to tell these things.

[roberto516]

3 weeks is too early to tell these things.

This is what I fear the most. At 8 pm I'll be 8 days NC. As far as I know, as she is blocked, she hasn't tried to reach out. I have gone 10 days once, and then reached out. My fear is that, per our relationship dance, I always come back to communicate to her and reach out. Well now I don't want to. At times I would like to but my logic quickly overrides it, and helps me see that nothing good will come from it.

What I fear is that as the weeks go on she might realize that I'm dancing to a different tune, and she might fear I'm finally done with this. The last email I sent to her was the truth that I didn't accept her apology, and let her know that I was really in love and I am really hurt. I am working on myself but I have to anticipate she will reach out one day. She does realize that she ins't mentally well, and needs to work on herself. Which might keep her away. But in a few days it will be uncharted waters. And as she feels good she might think we are a good fit... .or she will be in a tight spot and reach out. This post reminded me that I need to keep working on me, and love myself. Because 7 days is no amount of time for someone with this disorder. And if it doesn't happen it will be for the better because each day I come out of the FOG.

[vaztek2003]

3 weeks is uncharted waters from me, as before I couldnt go more than 2 days without wanting to hear from her. Part of me is scared of her reaching out, but another part wishes she would to see if some answers could be had. I never understood why it was soo hard for her to just have a conversation, she would always prefer to ignore, which is why Im pretty sure I wont hear from her again.

Just weird as this was a person that always had to talk to me about something... .usually something that happened to her that day. To just cut that off was strange, especially when she basically said dont give me that goodbye crap, Im still the same girl after she basically broke it off, but then didnt talk to me anymore besides for things related to my mothers health scare... .once those conversations were done, so was she and she never replied after I sent her long messages of my feelings and views (all positive) on how love should be fought for and I would fight for her if she chose... .silence. Asked if she wanted to move on so I could leave her alone... .silence. Last message I just said I wouldnt bother her anymore that I just wanted closure but that I was going to have to settle for her silence, as a way to not feel bad and continue to turn down dates with other women(which I had done with hopes of reconnecting).

[RomanticFool]

There are no answers to be had. I had 8 years (over a 14 year period) of 2 stints with my exBPD married lover. Both times she behaved exactly the same way. After the love-bombing came the ST and eventual pulling away. There was never any explanation or responses to my long-winded heartfelt emails/texts/messages. On the rare occasions I actually pinned her down to talking about things on the phone she would say, "I'm tired of being criticised."

That is what you are dealing with. There is no rhyme or reason to their behaviour. One day my ex said she was in love with me, the next day she started drinking again (after 10 years of stopping) and became abusive for a year. I thought it was due to the drink. Once she got sober again, she then started disappearing for days at a time. Even accused me once of cheating on her, which I now think may be projection of what she was doing.

I have had 9 weeks of NC apart from a message 5 weeks in (which I replied to) and another one last week wishing me happy birthday. Both times I told her how I felt about her and if she couldn't return my feelings to leave me alone. When i said that last weekend on my birthday she replied: 'I apologise for ruining your day.'

The frustration and powerlessness are debilitating. The only answer for me is NC and to carry on living my life to its fullest extent.

[Emotions]

In the words of the immortal Depeche Mode... .enjoy the silence... .words are very unnecessary they can only do harm... .

[roberto516]

so was she and she never replied after I sent her long messages of my feelings and views (all positive) on how love should be fought for and I would fight for her if she chose... .silence. Asked if she wanted to move on so I could leave her alone... .silence. Last message I just said I wouldnt bother her anymore that I just wanted closure but that I was going to have to settle for her silence, as a way to not feel bad and continue to turn down dates with other women(which I had done with hopes of reconnecting).

We might have been dating the same person . Exactly the things I said, and the exact same response. It's maddening. But I understand now. She really isn't capable of having those conversations. There is a clinical term called alexthymia. It literally means and inability to verbalize/describe emotions. If you want to google alexthymic and borderline you'll have a wave of research articles about the high correlation between both. It doesn't help in the moment knowing this. But it makes sense. Why I'd be pleading for her to have a conversation with me so we could address and problem solve the concerns I saw in our relationship, and she would sit on the bed with her arms folded and not say anything other than ":)o you want to breakup?" or "Should we go on a break?" As you correctly said, both those options were ways to avoid the uncomfortable feelings for her. It's safer to run.

The understanding doesn't help sometimes. But you know where it does help? Knowing if I reach out I won't be addressing an individual who can have an adult conversation. But hey, I know exactly where you are. I said all those things. And it got me nothing but prolonged pain. Congrats on 3 weeks. I'll be there soon  

[vaztek2003]

Hahaha! If her name starts with an A and ends with a shley... .we maybe did.

Every time we had the conversations she would just get to a point were everything was responded to with a "I dont know" maddening. The last meaningful phone conversation we had started off happily as we wanted to see each other that day... .but somehow she started talking about how I was settling and she felt bad she didnt provide anything (she would mainly focus titles... .as she said it added pressure to her and on sex as we hadnt had any in 4 months, because according to her her depression was worsening and she was even having trouble masturbating). Then the conversation got the the "IDK" stage and she couldnt even answer if she saw a future with me. Needless to say we didnt meet up and she didnt talk to me for the day.

She basically texted she was too unstable to be in a relationship or friendship while she was breaking up with me... .but she also said she would probably purposely overdose at some point... .and that she lived in her head too... .that breakup text string was all over the place.

[roberto516]

Ah the infamous "I don't know." In hindsight it was a huge red flag especially considering my work background/career. After the mini 1 month recycle and she texted me she didn't want to be in a relationship and said we both want different things. When I asked what she wanted she said "I don't know." Even in couples therapy I would speak my emotions and he would turn to her and ask her feelings or how she felt about what I was saying. She would say "i don't know" even there. I can't imagine what her therapy sessions are like.

 Even the intimacy. It dropped considerably after idealization phase. And she said she didn't feel the urge, etc. Probably true because of her anti-depressant use for decades and benzo use (which do add to it). But I think there was more to it. Especially now seeing that she used it as a control thing.

Thanks for your story though. I relate all too well, and it keeps reminding that I am free from that.

[vaztek2003]

No problem, we are all here to share.

Like I said part of me wants her to reach out, but the logical side knows she wont. She used to do it with her exes when they tried to contact her on fb or instagram. She would read every message, send em to me to see what I thought of them, send em to her friend to get her opinion, but she would never reply... .granted she was with me and said they were horribly abusive guys. Thats really what hurt the most, being treated as if I had done the same stuff she said about them. I managed to verify her stories on them through her sister, so they were actually crappy guys. Sucks to be lumped in with them.

Also the fact that she can have soo many reminders of me around her room and not even a "Im sorry for putting you through this" I did get one but it was a "Im sorry youre going through all that" in reference to my mothers health concern. So many items around her room and its like I dont even exist. Crazy!

[roberto516]

It does suck. After the discard i let my anger win so I know I'll be labeled for the next guy. It really is so confusing isn't it? For us, it meant much and we felt so much love for them only for it to be tossed aside.

You know I was thinking just a little bit ago that one day this is going to be a great experience to have gone through. So many people experience pain amd never seek out support. Some people never get to experience the absolute pain we are feeling. In a way... .it's kinda beautiful. We are feeling what our exes never will be able to and what many "normal" people dont. There's something to that for me.

[vaztek2003]

Trust me I had many messages I never hit send on which would have definitely put me in the exes category,

I gave this woman the world as best as I could. Anything and everything she wanted she had. Loved her deeply as I thought she did(I was wrong, not the first time). but when she looked into my eyes and said she loved me with her soft voice, I fell over and over.

It may suck now but it shows we are humans and our emotions are there. Ive honestly have never felt pain like this before... .maybe its due to my age as Im 31 now and she's a drop dead gorgeous 24 year old. She laid all these thoughts in my head of a family and a future... .where now I feel like Im back to the same spot I was 4 years ago but older. She really has her schooling on track after I helped her out when she was struggling, she made it into her program about a month before she dropped me. Schools over so no stress from there plus its almost summer. Perfect time for her. I on the other hand have to pick myself up and make improvements... .sometimes I find myself wishing she'd fail... .and it bothers me because thats not who I am, . It will be a great experience when its all said and done. I just hope she doesn't come back around when Ive bettered myself.

[roberto516]

I get that vaztek. Same thing. Gave her all the support ever. Watched her dog and supported her through yoga school. Foolishly gave her a good reference to a job I wanted and she ended up getting it instead. It really is like we build them up, stabilize them, and then off they go while we are left in pain.

But that means we are decent human beings who are willing to help those we care about. It's not something I can dwell on anymore even though it still occupies waaaayyyyy too much of my time each and every day.

You have the right mindset. If she ever decides to reach out again because she needs something I hope you are putting yourself in a spot to say no. Same with me.

[Doughboy]

But that means we are decent human beings who are willing to help those we care about. It's not something I can dwell on anymore even though it still occupies waaaayyyyy too much of my time each and every day.

Just remember that that too much help leads to Codependency.  Being a people pleaser is okay as long as you can keep it in check.  This was/is one of my problems I am working on.  Similar to 2 beers a night is fine... .2 six packs, not so much... .

[vaztek2003]

I actually believe I have a codependency problem with her. Im trying to work on improving life for myself, but when it all happened my heart was crushed at the thought of losing her. I still think of her more than I think of myself. its something I am trying to repair. I was soo happy worrying about her needs not caring about my own, it became second nature.

[vaztek2003]

Its the side of me that wishes she would reach out, . The side that is hurting that she may be a Lesbian, and or outright left. Though I still doubt the whole lesbian scenario as this woman overshared soo much during our friendship and it never came up, ever. Not to mention that she would get aroused by me to the point that she would grab at my privates and ask for sex, well before the 4 months off, which she blamed on her depression as she said she couldnt even please herself.The suddenness gives me vibes of her tendencies to be a follower of ideas, but I dont know. Yet still hurts to think that she's gone for good in any way.

[Doughboy]

I still think of her more than I think of myself. its something I am trying to repair. I was soo happy worrying about her needs not caring about my own, it became second nature.

BINGO... .We have a winner!  Now is the time to fix this issue and make yourself a priority.  :)oesn't matter how, just do it.  

I am choosing to get new siding/trim/gutters on my house since I am/will save so much money not being with the uBPDexfiance.  I have not really liked driving up to the my house since I bought it so now is the time.  I have already spent more than the amount needed on her in the last 18 months.

I am also starting to get back in touch with long time female friends that have always been like family.  These relationships were discouraged and since I wanted to keep her happy I let them falter.

Also taking care of myself and have lost a bunch of weight just by paying attention to what I am doing.

Finally, talking to the Counselor and working on the codependent tendencies.  Learning to realize that I need to love me for me.  That other people should love me for me.  Never for what I do or for what I can offer.  Just me.

"I'm Good enough, I'm Smart enough. And Doggone it, People like me" - Stuart Smalley