Exhausted, scared, alone, and depressed

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone - I haven't posted here in a number of months, but the past week or two has really taken a toll on me and since my uBPDgf has pretty successfully cut me off from all of my friends over the past 2 years So i don't really have any kind of support network. Sorry if this is long, but I need to get it off my chest... .

Things had been fairly good for a little while (maybe a month tops to be honest), but we have gotten in to some arguments in the past week where she has completely and totally flown off the handle.  She raged at me probably worse than ever before and said absolutely horrible, nasty things, threw every kind of insult at me, told me she was going to hang out with and sleep with her very abusive ex, lied to me and said she was actually with him while she was texting me, and has actually threatened to call the police on me and tell them things that aren't true (she actually told me she had done it a few days ago and that she was going to have me locked up, etc. but admitted to me after she calmed down the next day that  she hadn't actually called them). She also told me after that if he roles were reversed and I had ever said any of these things to her that we definitely would not be together... .

Then things were good for a day or two but yesterday she went off again when I invited her to dinner with my family on Sunday and told her I was going and wanted her to come. This led her to ask if I was planning to go even if she decided to stay home and when I stated that I would she flipped out and said it was a huge issue if I went without her and that she was done with me and started cursing and raging at me again. Normally I would skip dinner if she didn't want to go, but my aunt and twin sister are both visiting from out of state and we are all meeting my cousin and his wife for dinner at a nice restaurant so I really want to be there.

I couldn't take the continuous barrage of nasty and threatening text messages that she always starts sending so after she told me to F off and never contact her again, I blocked her number and still have it blocked today. She generally tells me she hates me, we are done, that I'm the scum of the earth and if I contact her again she will call the police, etc and then gets mad at me a few hours later because I haven't contacted her and it means I don't care about her which I just really couldn't deal with again.

The continuous turmoil and anger has really worn me down and is starting to make me feel extremely bad about myself and unhappy being in the relationship (our 2 year anniversary is actually coming up on Tuesday), but I'm honestly scared that she will make good on her threat of calling the police and telling them things that are completely untrue in an attempt to get me arrested. I just feel completely alone and like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go... .

[Monge]

Hi everyone - I haven't posted here in a number of months, but the past week or two has really taken a toll on me and since my uBPDgf has pretty successfully cut me off from all of my friends over the past 2 years So i don't really have any kind of support network. Sorry if this is long, but I need to get it off my chest... .

Things had been fairly good for a little while (maybe a month tops to be honest), but we have gotten in to some arguments in the past week where she has completely and totally flown off the handle.  She raged at me probably worse than ever before and said absolutely horrible, nasty things, threw every kind of insult at me, told me she was going to hang out with and sleep with her very abusive ex, lied to me and said she was actually with him while she was texting me, and has actually threatened to call the police on me and tell them things that aren't true (she actually told me she had done it a few days ago and that she was going to have me locked up, etc. but admitted to me after she calmed down the next day that  she hadn't actually called them). She also told me after that if he roles were reversed and I had ever said any of these things to her that we definitely would not be together... .

Then things were good for a day or two but yesterday she went off again when I invited her to dinner with my family on Sunday and told her I was going and wanted her to come. This led her to ask if I was planning to go even if she decided to stay home and when I stated that I would she flipped out and said it was a huge issue if I went without her and that she was done with me and started cursing and raging at me again. Normally I would skip dinner if she didn't want to go, but my aunt and twin sister are both visiting from out of state and we are all meeting my cousin and his wife for dinner at a nice restaurant so I really want to be there.

I couldn't take the continuous barrage of nasty and threatening text messages that she always starts sending so after she told me to F off and never contact her again, I blocked her number and still have it blocked today. She generally tells me she hates me, we are done, that I'm the scum of the earth and if I contact her again she will call the police, etc and then gets mad at me a few hours later because I haven't contacted her and it means I don't care about her which I just really couldn't deal with again.

The continuous turmoil and anger has really worn me down and is starting to make me feel extremely bad about myself and unhappy being in the relationship (our 2 year anniversary is actually coming up on Tuesday), but I'm honestly scared that she will make good on her threat of calling the police and telling them things that are completely untrue in an attempt to get me arrested. I just feel completely alone and like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Monge, My advice: start keeping a record.  You might need it in the event she makes false accusations about you to the police.  You have one advantage: you're not married, which means you can give serious thought to whether this r/s is right for you.  In a healthy r/s, it's unlikely for you to be "exhausted, scared, alone and depressed."  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[Monge]

Thanks lucky Jim. I've started trying to keep somewhat of a record... .have  some pictures I took of myself when she punched me in the face a few months ago and my nose started leaking blood like a faucet but haven't really kept a written record which I'll try. That type of gong has been hard because when I'm. It at work I usually end up being with her... .

I really wanted everything to work out but my gut has definitely started to tell me I should get out as fast as possible. It's basically turned in to a situation where if I don't do exactly what she wants or if the way I react or what I say isn't 100% in line with what she thinks it should be she just flips out. The biggest issue from my side is that there is no middle ground. There's no compromise ever from her and when she feels like she's been wronged in some way it's 0 - 100 in about half a second.

The other thing that has really started bothering me is that she tries to tell me what I think or how I feel all the time and justifies it as okay in her mind by sayi "I feel you feel x, y, or z" l. Even when I tell her it's not true and reassure her of my real feelings she just turns around and tells me I'm lying. There's no way for me to win and it always ends up with her just being nasty. And unfortunately when I inform her that she cannot tell me what I think or feel and its not okay and she needs to stop she just turns around and says I can't tell her what to think or feel and to stop tryin to lie to her. I don't know what to do because unless I coddle her about the she just flips out... .

[Lucky Jim]

have  some pictures I took of myself when she punched me in the face a few months ago and my nose started leaking blood like a faucet

Hello again, Monge,  Since you took pictures, you must be aware that this is a big red flag.   

Physical abuse like this is unacceptable.  If you don't know it already, that's your boundary.  To be honest, I question whether you are safe around this person.

She knows how to push your buttons, it seems, and appears adept at using F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate you.  Suggest you tread carefully here, my friend.  On some level, I think you already know what your gut is telling you to do.

LuckyJim

[Monge]

Thanks lucky Jim. Yes that's definitely a biggggg red flag for me. I don't think I'm in any actual physical danger simply because I'm much stronger than her and stand about 6'3, 275 lbs Compared to her at around 5'5. That's honestly one of the big reasons the whole threat of her calling the police and making things up really scares me.

She definitely knows how to push my buttons and is AMAZING at FOG, but I've started to understand when she's doing it so that doesn't cause as much of an issue for me anymore... .I've always been a very logic- oriented person so i just feel like I'm at a loss because I can't understand the way she uses emotional reasoning to justify her thought process on almost anything. It just kind of baffles me and if I refuse to defend the crazy accusations after a simple explanation she defaults to using that as evidence that I won't defend it because it's true which i realllllly can't stand . It's just that she will never stop - she keeps going and going and going until she gets her way

[Monge]

Basically she has a complete inability to "agree to disagree". It's either her way or rage fest... .

[Monge]

so on my way home from work about 20 minutes ago I get a call from no caller ID and stupidly pick up even though I know it's her... .

To make a long story short, she was super angry I hadn't called her or texted her since we spoke yesterday (even though the last thing she had said was that she wanted me out of her life and not to contact her), and she starts raging at me telling me how f'dd  up I am and I am acting because I would go to dinner with my family without her if she for whatever reason wasn't going.

After I repeatedly told her that it's not f'ed up at all, she says she will "ruin my life" if I don't change my opinion, has said she will absolutely destroy my future and is calling the cops and having me locked up and put in jail (for god knows what she would make up to them).

She literally just does not care at all how she treats me or what she says or does and somehow feels completely justified no matter How she acts  or how horrible she makes me feel. It's simply if I don't give in and say or do what she wants, she thinks it's completely fine to do whatever she can think of to try and ruin my life (or at least threaten it).

Now I'm sitting in my room a nervous wreck scared about the cops showing up to arrest me for whatever lies she tells them. I don't know what to do. I just want to disappear and never come back

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Monge:
 

she says she will "ruin my life" if I don't change my opinion, has said she will absolutely destroy my future and is calling the cops and having me locked up and put in jail (for god knows what she would make up to them).

Now I'm sitting in my room a nervous wreck scared about the cops showing up to arrest me for whatever lies she tells them. I don't know what to do. I just want to disappear and never come back

Lucky Jim gave you some good advice about documenting things.  You might want to get an app for your phone that records phone conversations.  I have one on an android phone.  You can set it to automatically record, then it prompts you after the call, and asks if you want to keep the recording.  I'm sure there is probably something similar for saving texts.

Depending on where you live, you might not be able to use an audio recording in court, but you certainly can play a recording of threats to a policeman.

I think most policeman will listen to your side of the story versus whatever she may fabricate.   Making a false police report is generally against the law in most communities, so she has a lot to be concerned about.  In some cases, it can be a felony.

I don't know if you are in the US or another country, but the two links below should help you reach out and find someone to talk to on a domestic abuse hotline.  What she is doing to you is abusive.  It might help you feel better to just reach out and talk to someone who is familiar with domestic abuse situations.

US DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE
www.thehotline.org/

INTERNATIONAL RESOURCES
www.hotpeachpages.net/

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Monge-
I'm so sorry you're going through this and I don't want to add to your pain.  I don't know much about your situation, but it doesn't sound like you live together, is that correct?  If you don't live together,  that's probably a very good thing.  You have recognized your isolation- I went through that with my ex-uBPD BF, it had to be all him all the time.  But he could not keep me off the phone with my friends late at night.  If possible, try to re-establish contact with good friends.  This will make you feel more connected to the human race.  We all need that; and maybe choose one friend to try and tell Your truth to, your complete truth.  I finally did this... .I said "S, I am in a very abusive relationship... .".  It wasn't until my relationship was nearing the end, but I finally did it.

With your BPD GF's constant threats, have you considered taking the preemptive step of filing a protective  order?  No one, no matter how TALL or manly, should have to endure the type of threats and Violating behavior you're experiencing. 

I understand some people may attach a stigma to the phrase "abused man", but Monge, you are being abused, both in the physical and emotional sense.  People in our community understand all too well that this is NOT make believe.  It is very real and it simply doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  The emotional abuse has already taken an enormous toll, but you will heal.  You don't have to wait to be truly physically injured. 

As a woman who has been through this, my escape into free air was worth leaving that twisted and harmful application of "love".   Not every person we lose is a loss.

You are not ANY of the horrible names she screams at you.  And neither was I.  You deserve to feel safe and secure every moment.  You deserve to have a sense of peace in your life. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[sweetheart]

I understand and fully appreciate how FOG can keep a person truly stuck even in the midst of threats and verbal abuse.
My h is a high conflict, false accusation kind of guy, I'm minimising it to lighten it slightly, but the reality is FOG caused me to actually be in a position where I might face the possibility of loosing our son. It didn't occur to me that anyone might actually one day believe the things my h was saying about me when acutely unwell but I was so very wrong.
It took some stern words from an excellent solicitor to tell me in no uncertain terms that I needed to protect myself and my son because to the outside world my inaction looked like I was doing nothing.
I am currently on my third referral to Adult Safeguarding for 'abusing' my husband. That he is psychotic and detained in an acute mental health setting now didn't stop professionals in his care team referring me because of the things he was saying I have done to him.



Gemsforeyes makes an excellent suggestion, one which my solicitor told me to put in place, some kind of protective order, and you must seriously consider protecting yourself from the very real possibility that she will be believed over you.

I didn't have to make that call in the end as I said my husband was sectioned and is now in an acute mental health hospital, but I will still have to be interviewed by Adult Safeguarding Services to check that I have not been abusing my husband. 

[Grey Kitty]

As a man, you are more vulnerable to false accusations of domestic violence, and could well end up in jail for that.

Also, if there is an incident where she gets violent with you, and police show up, again, you are at risk of being the one going to jail.

Keeping records of what she's done and said (especially statements that she would falsely accuse you and get you arrested) is one thing you can do to defend yourself.

Look for voice recorder apps on your phone, for this too--although be aware that recordings done without the knowledge of all parties may not be legal or admissible. (Laws vary from place to place)

BE CAUTIOUS!

The other thing that has really started bothering me is that she tries to tell me what I think or how I feel all the time and justifies it as okay in her mind by sayi "I feel you feel x, y, or z" l. Even when I tell her it's not true and reassure her of my real feelings she just turns around and tells me I'm lying. There's no way for me to win and it always ends up with her just being nasty.

You've nailed the problem, and the key to the solution is this: "There's no way for me to win."

When she's in that state, you can't calm her down. You can't convince her that her POV is unreasonable. You can't even get her to listen.

All you can do is remove yourself from her company, and wait for that mood to finish. End the conversation and leave the room, or leave the house. Say goodbye and hang up the phone, and don't answer if she calls back, and don't read her texts. (or block them).

That's your "winning move" in this kind of circumstance.

[Panshekay]

Do you have the support of your family?  Like Grey Kitty said, you ARE way more vulnerable to false allegations of domestic violence... .you can have sex in the morning and she can claim rape in the afternoon, and have the prof she needs.  My DIL is tiny, but she used to beat the crap out of our 250 pound son... .one time she kicked the bedroom door open when he stated he didn't want to fight he just wanted to go to bed and continually kicked him in his groin... .he finally pushed her off.  Do you know what that turned into?  She said how he beat her all the time.  This is how it went last year in court for custody and divorce which is still on going.  " Mr _ is it true you repeatedly beat your wife? "NO... ." Mr _ is it true you pushed your wife, "YES, but... .". "Thank you Mr _ I have no other questions".  She sat on the witness stand crying and trembling saying how afraid she was of our son... .and guess what?  The judge bought it.  You should be scared, our DIL told our son she will destroy him, and guess what?  She is doing a pretty good job of it. Document and record  everything, the next time she is physical call the police... .there are men serving time in prison because their wife or GF made false allegations. No one, NO ONE deserves to be treated the way she is treating you.  You are a human being, the life you are living is torture. Like  ForeverDad says... .believe them the very first time they show you who they really are.