My Crazy End Revisited

[vaztek2003]

Just trying to find some clarity as it still pains me... .

Ive mentioned before that my undiagnosed BPDex broke up with me In April, but pretty much since the turn of the year we became distant. I basically allowed her to lead the relationship and she decided I wasnt a priority over school, so all week she would spend on studying for her one class (A&P2). I never forced her to meet up with me, so we were basically in a long distance relationship even though she lives 15 mins away. We would text most of the time and a 2 to 3 hr call here and there during the week. We met up on special occasions like vday, her bday etc. Before we would go on random drives or get coffee or food. During this whole time sex was out of the question. She would say that her depression was worsening to the point where she could not even make herself climax, so I never attacked her on why we weren't having sex, I actually played it cool and told her several times that it wasn't an obligation, as she would always say that she couldnt even provide it for me, that she didnt provide anything to the relationship.

Every morning before school we would text and she was really adamant about seeing me that day. She kept texting me about how we were going to meet up and see eachother... .it got me happy. After school was over I get more texts until she's finally home, which then she calls me, when she usually naps afterwards. We begin the conversation all happy because she wants to see me and I want to see her... .but at some point she began talking about our relationship and again how I deserved better, that she couldnt provide what I deserved... .I merely said that all I wanted was her love, then proceeded to ask her if she loved me and she said "of course, you know how I feel for you." She began talking about her depression and made a comment that always ticked me off about how I didnt understand. I said I will never understand what goes on in your mind as with any other person if they do not share. What I do understand are circumstances and I knew she was struggling with something everyday. At this point I dint know anything about BPD, so I thought it was just depression(she is manic and her anxiety is crazy also).

The conversation continued to spiral downward to the point where she said she didnt know how to make me happy and how our relationship hadnt progressed because of her and her issues at home, work and school stress, then silence. I asked if she was giving up or was she willing to fight for us, again silence. I asked if she thought the depression was worsening because of me, and she said no, that it wasnt fair to me, that I should be mad she couldnt provide. somehow we ended up at an weird silence and I asked her if she wanted me to let her go (hang up) and she said no but the silence continued, so I said I was going to ask her a simple question... .Do you see a future with me?... .her response, I dont know... .I dont even know what Im gonna do tomorrow. That hurt, but on the phone I stayed, until my phone accidentally cut off. I texted her immediately that it wasnt intentional... .a few minutes later I get "I cant be in this relationship anymore." I ask if thats how she truly felt and I get no reply. I try for a day to get her attention, nothing. A day goes by, nothing. Then I get a text from a non contact... ."Guess Who?"... .It was her, she finally changed her number which is why she really wanted us to meet up that day, so I could go with her. We text a lil bit, she says she was mad that day, but then her service was cut off on her phone, which she had told me she was waiting for to activate the new number.

We text some more and she drops this text saying how it would be best for her if we dropped labels on our relationship since she would feel less pressure, I quickly say "OK", which she knows its my response when Im not in agreement (she always had something against labeling the relationship). She replies with its only temporary, as I know how she feels towards me, after that our comm continues normally... .CUT to Easter Day.

She calls me all lovey dovey about how I was the most beautiful thing she ever found at our old job... .how she loved me so much, I was perfect and that she made me an Easter basket out of love. Then I get a picture of her in her dress which I compliment her on her beauty as I always called her my Goddess. Hours go by and nothing so I text her on how her day was going she said good... .then I get a text reading ":)o you think I look pretty?" I quickly reply with I think you look gorgeous. Dont get a reply later on at night I send her a text in Spanish acting as if I was having a conversation with myself as she never replied. I get a angry text wanting to know what it meant, I said nothing, but she's mad so I break the text down for her, which she replies she already knew as she had translated it. An hr later I get a Hey, I say hey back... .another hr goes by and I get another Hey again... .again I say hey... .nothing. Days over.

Next day we go back to regular convo... .Tuesday the same until she goes to work and I hear nothing else, Wednesday I sent the first text and she replies when she wakes up around 1130 saying "Hey Lovey"... .then talks about all the work she has for school and how her computer is acting up and if I knew what could be wrong with it. I reply, then no reply the rest of the day. That night I get it in my head that why should I be the one to initiate contact, if she cared she'd do it like before. Thurs goes by I dont send a text, she doesnt either... .same for Friday. Saturday comes which is her school day and we usually text throughout... .nothing, her break time comes nothing. I call her at an hr I know she will be out of school no answer. I text her if she can give me a time for us to talk at some point that day... .no reply. Im thinking she could be sleeping as she napped after school. I text/call throughout the day with all sorts of lovey stuff. nothing.

1am hits and I get a reply. "Pertaining to everything, I am not looking for a romantic relationship" Im shocked so I try to call, no pickup... .she texts she's only going to text with me, so Im like cool we'll text till she sees Im not mad and then we'll talk. Little did I know where everything was headed.

I quickly ask why do things have to change now, she says she wants to focus on her school and being independent, I say that she's been in school since Ive met her and with me she has all the freedom she wants. She replies with Im too unstable for a relationship/friendship. I ask what she means, and she says I might not be interested in men, or in men sexually. Mind you this is a woman who a week before was texting me that I had to give it to her badly while at work and being all descriptive about everything she loves... .again it had been 4 months of no sex. A woman who's main fantasy involves 2 men and her. We begin talking about the situation, she says she's never felt fully comfortable with men, again a woman that always told me how comfortable she felt with me and how she could just undress in front of me which she did often and not feel weird, or how she enjoyed sex with me.  I start giving her counter points to her about her possible confusion which she gets angry at saying that I think she's stupid... .this and that, so I calm her down and tell her that my mother really wanted to see her... .5 minutes go by and I see the typing bubbles come and go... .finally I get a text. "A girl fingered me at school today" My mind goes blank... .the only reply I could come up with was how was the experience... .She replies with It was Fine but I wasnt uncomfortable, but I got really wet. My thinking is all over but I just think how this is a woman that gets really wet out of just having her breasts touched... .a woman who hasnt had sex in 4 months. She elaborates and says it was a girl from her class during the 1 hr break that same day(only 11 hrs prior). So Im thinking this is a horrible time to make decisions, but I ask her if that was something she wanted to pursue. She replies with IDK she says she has a boyfriend, so we are not dating or anything. I ask what that meant for our relationship, if it was completely over. She says "I really believe im interested in girls", I say if thats a form of saying yes... .she replies yes.

So I begin wishing her the best and saying goodbye... .and she quickly replies with dont give me that. Give you what I said. That goodbye thing. Im still the same person. I quickly reply that I was only saying goodbye to the future we had envisioned. She tells me to stop that. I thank her for at least texting me. Some 15 minutes go by Im heartbroken and at a loss by myself, she messages me "Now you will have all the bootycall options you want". I reply that she's been the only woman Ive talked to like that fro the last 4 years, to get bootycall options Ill have to meet new girls. "You wont have a problem with that" she say, I reply with "I know, the problem is that I always plan for a future, not for a one night stand." She quickly says "I only have depression." I say youll overcome that. She says she'll just probably purposely overdose at some point. I tell her how I wished Id wake up tomorrow and everything would be the same, she says "I live inside my head as well" Then I thank her and wish her and her fam the greatest. No reply after.

I allow the days to go by to see if things cool off or change, then I text her. Hey how are you. She later replies that she wasnt ignorig me was just shopping with her sister. I tell her to say hi to her sister for me, she says "She says hi back, " we text a couple more times that day but its a bit distant. The only emotion shown was that . Next day comes and she texts me if there was any update on a family matter we had spoken about before. I give her the long update. Then I get a really long reply STARTING with "I know things are up in the air between us... .but youre going to be an important person in my life and not matter what labels we have for each other know that I will always love you and care for you... ."

I reply back to it but dont get a reply till that morning after which is a school morning. I reply with have a great day at school. then after she gets out I ask her if we could at some point in the day talk on the phone. her reply 3 hrs later... .a link to a love song on youtube about a guy that did everything for a woman and she went with someone else not picking up his calls because she was scared and didnt know what to say but eventually realized that the man was her real love and asked the guy to love her forever. I was hyped as I though we were making progress so I send her a super long love message, yet I get no reply. I continue trying to get her attention and nothing. She finally replies to a text about wanting to talk to her which she says she's been okay but is just too tired that night to talk. I say okay tomorrow then. That Monday I wake up super early head to her favorite florist and get her $185 worth of flowers sent to her. The day goes by no message. Im updated that the flowers were sent. I ask her again if we can at some point talk... .she later replies with a I can only text you, you are suffocating me. Then I just outright text her if she is trying to move on or has, needs time, space or is unsure. thats all I need to know. She never replies.

That night I text her an apology for my engulfment but it was just a result of everything happening out of nowhere and to wish us luck tomorrow(mother had surgery), she replies the next day with a "Good Luck today" I say thank you. then later at noon she texts if there were any updates, which I update her and again apologize for suffocating her. She replies with a Im sorry youre going through all this. I ask her how she was and she says Ive been okay, just studying for finals. I wish her the best in them. That week goes by and nothing from either side. Then I reach out to let her know everything with the surgery went well. We talk a lil medical for a bit and then I ask her if it would be alright to send her mom and grandma a flower arrangement for mothers day. I get a "No thanks!" I say I will respect her decision. Then I sent her a text on how I feel and what she means to me and the love I have for her and what I would like for us to do to make it work, no reply. Next day I just ask if she could tell me if she just wants to move on and Ill leave her alone, again no reply. I try calling but the call goes to voicemail. So I text her that I would not bother her again and that I was going to have to move on with closure being the silence she was giving me. Its been 4 weeks now, and I honestly dont think she will reach out, as much as I would wan her to.

Sorry, just had to express this on something. I keep relieving these events in my head and all the mixed emotions and actions towards the end. The fact that she says she was confused bout sexual orientation after never showing signs, and even calling lesbians "dikes" since she hated one that she worked with. Then going from its over, to its up in the air, to sending me the song link when I just wanted to talk... .so many scenarios in my head.  Like I said I would love for her to reach out since I never treated her bad. just to get a sense of closure, but something tells me she wont as she hasnt so far.

Any comments or perspectives appreciated. This is how it ended for me. Crazily:D

[roberto516]

The only perspective is it doesn't make sense. It's a push/pull. She wants to love, but is afraid to. I read an interesting article (whether it's true or not I don't know) about how someone with the dx or traits will seek out more of the "bad boy" type or a narcissist because it fulfills all their own expectations about themselves. They have to chase for that attention, and love just like with a parental figure. When they find a nice person they really don't know what to do. It's like a dog who barks at cars but when it breaks free from it's yard, and gets to the car it has no idea what to do now that it has finally gotten what it wants.

She literally is confused, and the emotions are so strong that it is safer to shut down and remove herself from the situation. I know this so well because it's what my ex did. After the discard she was distant. A part of her felt like I was moving on so she got me back. Then she discarded me again. There were brief attempts to keep me along after that. But the conversation at the end became me telling her outright we can't be in a relationship again. Then she'd say "Well what if I want to try again?" I'd say "Maybe." Then she'd say "i don't know. I'm so confused."

It puts us in a terrible position because we know how we feel about them. They literally change from one minute to the next. Remember... .feelings are facts. If they adore you in that moment they envision being with you forever. If in the next they begin to resent or feel anxious or sad then it must mean it's your fault. And, in my experience, the second they fear an abandonment the relationship is impossible to repair. There will never be an idealization phase, or any work done on their part to improve the relationship. They've written the story that we will leave them, and they take it as truth. So they keep distant enough, but sometimes close enough to still get some needs met.

Those are my two cents. It does mirror my relationship in a way at the end. Naturally I was much more rage filled, and said a lot of mean stuff. But the push/pull is definitely something I went through.

One more thing because it really might be something going on. People with these traits or dx struggle with an identity. They mirror, or pick up whatever is in the environment and if it feels like a good suit to wear they do it. I think the lesbian beliefs could be her thinking "Hey! This might work for me!" It could be her identity. With my ex the yoga was her identity. i don't know about any of you guys or girls, but I have hobbies and interests but I don't post 1 million things on facebook about those things. It's not my whole life. I still remember she said her mom told the family at a gathering when one of them asked why my ex doesn't want children. And her mom answered for her and said "oh she's a career woman." That fit for my ex. Probably why she's okay now. Her new identity is career driven, single female. I don't know. Just a thought because I know in previous posts you brought up the confusion about the lesbian comments. it could just be the identity that is going to fill her void, and allow her to show the world "This is who I am!"

[vaztek2003]

Thats really the hardest part fro me to accept and it honestly shouldn't matter as if it ended, it ended, but the fact that it TRULY felt like she was trying to convince herself that she was now interested in women because of what happened that day bothers me. Honestly the week before she was sexting me and telling me how amazing I was and how much she cared and loved me (made Easter basket). During the breakup texts she got really pissed off that I kept giving her great counter arguments, saying things like "You think you know me better than myself," "You think Im stupid," mind you I was only telling her things she had shared with me through the relationship, like her sexual fantasy with 2 men. As for the fantasy she said it was probably a construct of what society expected of her... .I was like WHAT? but didnt push any more and calmed the situation down to continue talking. She really is one to follow trends as she is always online looking always interested in what others do.

Just a whole lotta weird which for some reason my mind is trying to still process thanks to her silence. How hard is it to say Yes, Im moving on from this relationship... .that was my last question to her.