It would be nice to talk

[Wiggles]

Hi Everyone.

Firstly, whoever started this site - a heartfelt thank you. Probably like most people on this forum I found my way here by trawling the internet trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. My life right now is spent lost in my own thoughts and anger at being treated like an emotional piece of meat by the woman I love who purports to adore me most of the time. I'm losing sleep, I'm distancing myself from my friends and family, I've booked myself in for counselling, I can't make sense of an awful lot and it really hurts. I can't tell her how I feel for two reasons - 1. I can't make sense of it and am utterly confused and 2. It would make the situation far worse if I was honest about how I feel. There is zero emotional support and I'd be better off sharing my feelings at a creche.

I've read a lot about BPD and understand it well on a factual level. I'm now trying to overcome the emotional understanding. Is there anyone out there who is in the same boat or who has ridden the storm? Any advice would be welcomed with open arms.

Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lostandconfused6]

Hi Everyone.

Firstly, whoever started this site - a heartfelt thank you. Probably like most people on this forum I found my way here by trawling the internet trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. My life right now is spent lost in my own thoughts and anger at being treated like an emotional piece of meat by the woman I love who purports to adore me most of the time. I'm losing sleep, I'm distancing myself from my friends and family, I've booked myself in for counselling, I can't make sense of an awful lot and it really hurts. I can't tell her how I feel for two reasons - 1. I can't make sense of it and am utterly confused and 2. It would make the situation far worse if I was honest about how I feel. There is zero emotional support and I'd be better off sharing my feelings at a creche.

I've read a lot about BPD and understand it well on a factual level. I'm now trying to overcome the emotional understanding. Is there anyone out there who is in the same boat or who has ridden the storm? Any advice would be welcomed with open arms.

Thank you

Welcome i am new here also and learning day by day about BPD my boyfriend was recently diagnosed.

I don't know exactly what is going on in your relationship if you would like to elaborate I may be able to offer some insight into what may be "normal" (for them) I am learning hourly what i thought was never possible to be going on in someone elses life is happening more often than not. It gives me a sense of comfort and makes me even more sure it's not my fault

I have read a book I hate you don't leave me and it has given me a ton of great tips. I also am in therapy and my Bf is heavily considering in he is just scared.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome to the boards ,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so alone in your relationship. I think this is one of the most difficult things in being in a relationship with a pwBPD. We want so badly to be able to share our life, thoughts, and burdens with our spouse, but we often feel like we need to leave things guarded and protected from their anger. It can really hurt intimacy. You are not alone in this and this site can help relieve some of that. You might also look at finding a counselor or a closer friend that you can confide in about the things in your life you want to share.

We have a lot of great resources on the right side of the page that can help improve your relationship and communication with your pwBPD. Hopefully through learning some of these techniques you can learn ways of sharing what is bothering you with your spouse.

[Wiggles]

Thanks lostandconfused6 and Tattered Heart. I met my girlfriend a year and a half ago, it was like hitting the jackpot at a casino, and still is a lot of the time unless I put my needs first! Somebody who really understood my way of being and somebody who could help me become a more rounded person, who could open my eyes to things I thought I'd not experienced and wanted to.

We had a rocky patch six months in where I was "punished" for wanting my own space and rocky patches when the pressure of normal working life became too much for her so she would take it out on me. These experiences led me to Google, which in turn led me to BPD (I hate the name by the way). We were close to breaking up so I just confronted her with what I'd found, read and believed to be the issue - BPD. She was genuinely relieved at what I told / showed her and I believed there was light at the end of the tunnel. I genuinely love her and can sometimes see past the verbal abuse, need for constant wanting, twisted arguments and lack of self love. I'm mostly not able to see past her inability to accept that I have emotional needs too. If I raise them, they become all about her. There is NO middle ground. It looks like I have a choice of becoming a robot tasked with providing her with total admiration and sex or dying in a slushy pool of my melted self-respect. Some choice.

To help matters, this has come to a boil pretty much immediately after we've bought a house together. There is a child from both sides involved. Talking is not going well, it always becomes about her and her needs. It ends in a situation where I just need to withdraw and the next thing I know everything is just hunky dory and I'm etting "normal" whatsapp messages during the day as if nothing has been said. She is going to counselling and knows she needs to but is also fighting it in a way I can't articulate (only two weeks in). I'm very worried that I'm assuming it's BPD when it might not be and I understand that different people have different needs but this is all way beyond normal or healthy and I'm getting crushed. I've booked myself in for counselling to get a grip on the situation and my ever diminishing headspace. The long and short of it is that if I fit in and give in I'll not get verbally abused and put through the ringer, if I do I'm in for a world of pain treading the right path.

[Lsyt]

I wish I had advice but I can o oh say I'm in the same boat. Together 4 years and married 1. I have teenage girls from a previous marriage with us half time and that seems to be where most of the triggers stem from, my oldest daughter. It is so hard to ignore the gauntlet when he is attacking my daughter and my parenting. He is very stressed about his job but it seems like there will always be something. I just keep waiting for the stressful situations to resolve themselves the. Everything will be ok. But there has been a hell of a rash of stressful situations. I feel crazy and alone whenever he gets triggers and it is getting worse and longer. I wish I had figured it all out and had some sage advice for you that made it all easier but I am drowning too. I am on here trying not to feel so alone in this. I hope that at least you get from this that you are not alone in this either. It is so isolating because I don't want to tell family and friends because I don't want everyone to tell me to leave. I love him and I want to help us but I am failing miserably right now

[Wiggles]

Hi Lsyt. I too went down the route of isolating myself. Please don't and drag yourself back if you can. I went away this weekend with my friends and aired a lot of what's going on. They're trying to understand and offer help, and it made me feel so, so much better (The truth will set you free and all that). Even after the weekend I can feel myself pulling away from friends and family again and I'm really fighting that. If you're anything like me you'll be feeling confused, upset, determined to solve the unsolvable ... .if I could just make her see etc etc! I guess that approach doesn't help because I've just spiralled and most of my time was / is spent in utter confusion and it can overtake all your thoughts. I'm an anxious mess right now and if I told her that it would somehow be my fault for not loving her enough! The fact of the matter is that we probably don't love or respect ourselves enough to treat ourselves well and simply dismiss the words we know to be untrue. Why do we believe such crazy things that come out of someone's mouth? Why do we even consider the words, let alone take them personally?

I hope you have a good relationship with your daughter and can talk to her about this. Luckily I can with my son and it really helps to know that he understands the basics of what's going on. There is good stuff out there for them to read that is non-blaming and helpful if you think it's appropriate.

Your message helped me. You're not alone. You're not failing miserably at anything, just starting a journey that will ultimately make you a stronger and better educated person.