FF tosses aside the rules and just says it...

[HopefulDad]

Of course I really want to include some kind of lecture or "make different points", but if the goal is to "just" answer a question... .to "hand the ball" back to my wife... .this is probably best.

Not sure if the highlighted text is being ironic or serious.

[formflier]

It was/is serious.

It communicates that I haven't thought of a plan, the reason I haven't thought of a plan, communicates that the Dad and I are communicating, and provides assurance that the issue will communicated about with her Dad.

Then... .her response to that would really be telling if she is up for a fight... .or it was a genuine act of concern.

It also is more "gentle" than saying "I have no plan"

FF

[Notwendy]

Do you notice the timing of these drama invitations?

I find that these things tend to happen when I am not at 100%- be it feeling temporarily under the weather, stress at work,  or like you- worrying about a family member. This seems to be the time for these things to happen.

It is easy to wonder if they are "kicking a person when he is down" but I don't think it is that. We tend to be on alert with someone with BPD, and we pay attention. These types of things distract us. I think the pwBPD may feel the distraction as abandonment- and then do what they know works to get your attention - the drama . This reels you in for a moment. They may not even be aware of it, but I think they see the distraction as a lack of interest " he isn't interested in me" .

[allienoah]

may feel the distraction as abandonment- and then do what they know works to get your attention - the drama . This reels you in for a moment. They may not even be aware of it, but I think they see the distraction as a lack of interest " he isn't interested in me" .
[/quote]

I agree with this wholeheartedly. FF, this seems to be what is happening to you. I also think that explains why when we are in a situation like this-when a third party is involved-the pwBPD seems to always find a way to turn the conversation to be about them. You see, your wife wanted answers for HER OWN needs. I think this is why we tend to as you put it "overthink" everything. We become conditioned to try to figure out how our every move, word and motion will be interpreted by our SO.

[HopefulDad]

It was/is serious.

I mean the lecture part.  Sorry if my highlighting skills need work.

[formflier]

Oh... the lecture part.  Yeah... .I have this internal "need" to "explain" to my wife why such and such is bad behavior.

Doesn't work out very well and I try to avoid doing it.  I also try to be mindful of when I "feel the need" to give a lecture that I need to "think through" my response... .so there is no lecture.

However... .I'm an overthinker... .sometimes that goes off the rails.

FF

[HopefulDad]

Oh... the lecture part.  Yeah... .I have this internal "need" to "explain" to my wife why such and such is bad behavior.

Doesn't work out very well and I try to avoid doing it.  I also try to be mindful of when I "feel the need" to give a lecture that I need to "think through" my response... .so there is no lecture.

At least you're self-aware which is good.  Your post on the need to lecture hit home because I can relate.  One of my things I needed to work on was exactly this.  Like you, I got better at catching myself.  The more practice at catching oneself, the less the behavior is part of us.

[formflier]

Underlying the "need" to lecture is usually some good/important information.

I try to pick my times better and to be succinct perhaps even draw out my wife some with some related questions that might... .I emphasize "might"... .help her understand the importance of the information I am about to pass.

It can be a lot of work and my success rate is maybe 50/50... .maybe.

No doubt it is better than the way I did it before... .but this part of our relationship is still a work in progress.

FF