losing control

[tangomurete]

so the bf had a bad go at me that lasted a few days over the weekend.  i could only take so much and i eventually lost control, not good i know.  after some threats were made (by him), crying, and all the usual accusations, i was able to calm down myself, calm him down, and i thought things were going great... .until today.  we were having a chat and i had to cut it short so i could get back to studying.  we had a good conversation.  i thought things went well and all was good, then i started getting the messages and ultimatums (you need to do this, or we're done).  what he's asking me to do it nearly impossible.  not to mention, he hates anything having to do with my past, but he wants me to get into contact with someone from my past to fix a certain situation.  i told him that i couldn't talk right now, i was getting upset, i was turning off my phone, and if he wants me to to do this exam asap i need to get back to studying.  he then started to facetime / skype me on the computer.  he is always complaining that i never answer the phone when he really needs me when he is like this, so i answered.  he then started asking me questions i felt uncomfortable answering cause i knew it would just open a can of worms to other things he didn't want to hear or he could accuse me of doing or not doing.  but he kept on and on and on.  then... .i lost it.  i started hitting my desk, hitting my computer, and eventually threw my computer across the room nearly breaking it.

my question is, has anyone else had this happen?  it's not the first time i've lost control, punched a hole in my desk over the weekend and done other various things i won't get into.  but i feel like i just sometimes turn into this person i don't know and go crazy with rage cause i'm so frustrated.  i'm generally a calm person, but lately we've both been under a lot of stress.  it's like when my stress and frustration combine i turn into something i don't like =\  anyone have any suggestions on how to not let it get this far?  thanks!

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[Tattered Heart]

Been there done that and I hate it when I get to that point. Our pwBPD have a way of just pushing our buttons over and over again. We start to feel trapped or overwhelmed or so frustrated that nothing you say or do works and we explode. And it feels really good at the time. And a lot of the time it works and our pwBPD backs off so we get some peace for awhile, but then I begin to feel bad for behaving so badly. I'm embarrassed. I hate that I said and did mean things to my H. I broke things so I have to clean it up. Ugh!

For me, I get to the point of dysregulating when I feel like all my control is gone. This puts me into fight or flight mode and I fight. It's a normal reaction. The part that is harder is that even though you feel light you need to fight back, our response is still a choice. When you feel yourself getting to the point of blowing up, it's time to back off. Go for a walk. Do some mindfulness meditation. Get away from the source of frustration for a little while until you can regain composure.

Here's a link to one of our workshops on stopping circular arguments:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

[Roma]

This sounds all too familiar to me - it's horrible and I really feel for you. I've also been driven to the end of my tether and got dysregulated many times - shouting back, crying, justifying. I immediately know I've lost the "moral high ground" as soon as I do, and given my partner carte blanche to ramp up the accusations and criticism.

I found this board a few weeks ago and one of the first things I looked at was this video - https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict . With the accompanying text I have tried to apply the lessons in whatever way I can, which is fairly minimal at times tbh. I have to say things haven't reached quite the full "Bohemian Rhapsody" since. I particularly love the fact that this tune is used as the soundtrack to the video! It is something I have sung to myself in my head many a time just to give myself a little distance and a touch of humour (not that I would ever, ever indicate this to my partner   )

[tangomurete]

i completely understand tattered heart.  i wish i could get away from the source of frustration, but with technology it seems to be hard.  not to mention, i feel i just make things worse when i back off.  i did read the workshop, thanks for that!  it did help in keeping my composure today, but he’s officially entered into the black / pushing phase and blocked me from everything.  he has it in his head that he’ll always come second to everything and everyone cause i refuse to given into his demands.  we’ll see how it pans out this time around.

thanks for that link too roma!  i’ve tried it out numerous times, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  today was a day it didn’t work out.  everything i said and did just seemed to set him off even more.  ugh =\

[bananas2]

tango -
Ditto here. I even posted about this same thing a few weeks ago and was given some good suggestions and advice: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309924.msg12870010#msg12870010

It's a totally normal reaction to lose control in such circumstances. There has to be a valve to release the pressure. We just have to make sure we release it in an acceptable way. It's a terrible feeling after blowing up like that. The guilt and shame can be overwhelming. I always try to make sure that when I do explode, I apologize and make things right afterward. It makes me feel better and hopefully sets an example for my BPDh of what it means to accept responsibility for your own behavior and make amends (something he is generally unable to do).

Now, I'm learning to try to notice when I'm starting to feel like I'm going to blow, and I do something to nip it in the bud before I escalate. My favorite thing is to go to an automated car wash, wait for those doors to close & those loud water jets to come on, and then I scream my head off and pound the steering wheel. Nobody can see me or hear me and it's so cathartic. Plus there's the bonus of having a clean car afterward! 

[isilme]

They get out of control and need to take it out on us.  If we are not physically present, phones and e-communication comes into play, and things go overboard.

I have missed one call from H, because my ringer was off, my purse was not touching me, whatever.  I don't have pockets in most of my clothes and at work, phones going off is rude at best, so I can miss a call.  I will find he's called 20 times in anger after that first missed call.  And texted.  And messaged.  And he's pissed because I am "ignoring him". 

Sadly, in this case you HAVE to, well, ignore them, for a while.  And it may not be nice when you are finally face-to-face, but I have found that pwBPD misread things in person badly, and worse over digital communications. 

There's one post recently put up that has someone asking if pwBPD can't read social interactions well, or understand non-verbal communications, like facial expressions, tones of voice, gestures.  It seems to be pretty consistent that no, they' often can't understand what someone else is saying.

Phone, texts, and messages make this even worse I have found.  If a text argument starts, say you need to disengage so you can both calm down and turn off the phone.  They will rage and be mad, but you are insulated from it.  And when you DO meet up, it will be face to face communication which while it will still be full of BPD issues, is a little better at resolving things.

It's okay to get upset.  Just because you do not have BPD does not mean you are a perfect robot who never feels angry, upset, or frustrated and hurt.  It just means you cope differently.

[confusedbloke]

I know how you feel. I actually asked a question in here "can you catch BPD?"... .it was for want of a better word... .and slightly tongue in cheek... .

But I've found myself texting her and calling her the most hideous names... .I just can't help it anymore... .I'm just not like that. They push buttons so well and I've got ton the point where I'm mirroring her behaviours. I'm basically stooping to her level... .it sucks and I have no answer to this... i just wanted to say that you're not on your own