Bizarre Behavior - trying to gain primary custody

[Jordan7190]

So, after being together for 7 years, and being married for 4 years, and having a 1 and a 1/2 year old together, my udBPD wife (soon to be ex) filed for divorce a month ago. We went from being best friends and sharing everything together, to her loathing me, verbally, mentally attacking me (and physically sometimes), and constantly trying - and succeeding - on manipulating me. I've been going to therapy, and I have a lawyer. Because of her recent bizarre behavior, my therapist helped me hire a PI to help with the custody hearing to try and see if she's having relations with multiple men on multiple different nights, or if she's with one guy how long has she been with him (because there's a good chance she manipulated me and tricked me into making around $10k of purchases for her, or what I thought was for us and our family, only to find out a week or two later that asked for a divorce.) Unfortunately it's not going to well.

I thought this would be easy, because she's be very sloppy lately. Ordering quite a bit of X-rated clothes, and other x-rated tems, to our house from our joint credit card (which is now closed), she's been leaving the house at least once in the evening for 2-6 hours, probably 3-4 times a week, sometimes she leaves twice in once evening. She doesn't tell anyone, including her parents who've been asking, where she goes. She just says she's busy. She's ordered 8-9 bags of brown rice wheat flour, and has it hidden in her room? I have no idea why.

The PI tried to gain some intel last night, but she drove like a maniac he said. She was going 80-90 mph on back roads (and kept swerving in out of traffic, and almost swerved off the road 8-9 times) and by the time she got into a busy city, she lost him. But he did grab video of her buying bed sheets and a girly comforter (it never arrived at our house.) So he told me she might have a secret apartment somewhere, or is planning to move in with this guy (which would mean she's probably been with him longer then 1 month, which would mean she knew what she was doing when she tricked me into making $10k worth of purchases for the "family".

I'm frustrated though. I feel like she's always a step a head of me and she treats our son horribly. She ignores him to the point he's gotten into knives and other items (like her x-rated toys) because she's too busy on her phone. She only picks him up long enough to take a selfie with him, then doesn't want him anymore. She's become very aggressive towards me, and remains aloof towards him. She's going on a huge spending spree and has spent $18k in the past 5 months. All she does is seek attention, and she's obsessed with herself and her looks.

I'm desperately trying to find some kind of evidence to show that she's unstable for joint custody. I know I probably can't get full custody, but I do want primary. So, I'm trying to prove she's making very bad decisions and she shouldn't be making decisions for our son.

I know our relationship is done. I'm just trying protect our boy now, but her bizarre behavior is so erratic that I'm having trouble even catching her doing anything (and she's definitely sleeping with someone, her car smells of it, and there's other proof well.) Does anyone have any advice? I feel like she's always a step ahead of me, and I'm feeling helpless to protect our son.

[ForeverDad]

First, let me commend you for using a private investigator.  It's their job to do that kind of work, they're trained and bonded, indicating they will behave as professionals.  You, one the other hand, would be at legal risk if you were chasing your spouse at high speeds.  She could file against you for harassment or stalking, or use a little bit of truth to fabricate huge allegations, claims viewed very seriously by courts.  That's the difference between professional PI versus a person being his own investigator.

Just wondering, did the PI have a dash-mounted camera?  However I don't know if it could be used to show her reckless driving without divulging how it was obtained.  Side point, if she drove like that with the toddler in the car, that might be an issue to pursue or at least document.  Police and courts take very seriously a parent driving intoxicated or recklessly when children are in the vehicle.

A thought about documentation... .Emergency services generally discount long past events, the older they are the less weight they carry.  For example, imagine you called emergency services and reported, "Last week my wife my wife was raging and threatened to ____."  The likely response would be, "That's not an emergency now, call back when it happens again."  So when something 'actionable' happens, that's the time to report it, if at all possible.

That said, even incidents that are no longer viewed as emergencies can be grouped together to document behavior patterns.  That's why it is good to have a journal, diary or some other method to document the details.  Saying in court "he said... ." or "she said... ." without details of the incidents (specific dates, places, witnesses, etc) probably will be too vague for the court and be largely ignored as hearsay.  That's where documentation can make a difference.   Also, it appears many courts view incidents within the past 6 months as acceptable evidence, older events are often considered stale except when trying to present a behavior pattern.

[Jordan7190]

Hi Forever Dad,

Thanks for writing back. This sounds naive since I just hired a PI, but I didn't realize they were bonded. I wonder why he didn't call the cops at the time then? Is that odd? Then again he may have accessed the situation and made judgement call that she wasn't posing any threat to anyone except herself.

And yes, even though my toddler wasn't in the car at that moment, it definitely freaks me out that she could drive like that with him in the car. I can't tell if her erratic behavior is coming from a mental/emotional place, or if it's drug related. I know there's no way to be 100% sure, but are there certain traits or clues that could help me distinguish if this is only from uBPD   or if there's possible drugs involved too? (my psychologist did mention that in addition to BPD, she very well could be suffering from bi-polar disorder, and my wife is 100% diagnosed with PTSD and suffered from severe postpartum before her uBPD symptoms worsened.) So there's a lot going on there. Some of her behavior has just been really odd.

For example, she's been way more verbally aggressive lately. In the past she'd flip flop between being aggressive and being sweet. The split ranged anywhere from 70-30, to 80-20. (the 80 being the sweet side) Now, it's more like 2/98 (the 98 being the aggressive side.) She just flipped her personality in general. She went from dressing conservative and being respectful to most people, to being incredibly rude, dressing provocatively, and throwing herself at men. As I mentioned too, she used to be frugal with her money, and now spends every dime she makes.The other odd thing is that she used to go to bed at 8-9 pm because if she didn't, she'd pass out and get light headed. Now, she's out running around until 12-12:30 am and then gets up at 5 am with no problem. Where before she'd sleep from 8-7. But, there is a crash side I've noticed where she'll just sleep for hours on end during the day if it's the weekend. I mean she'll sleep pretty much all day during the weekend if she doesn't have plans, but if she does have plans to go out, she'll just keep going (which is way out character for her.) She also used to be a somewhat careful driver, and as you read from my previous post that's not the case anymore.

My therapist mentioned that she could be on drugs, but it's hard to tell. I'm not overly familiar with drugs or BPD (I'm just kind of learning all of this stuff.) So I know it's hard to tell, but from what I'm describing does any of this sound like it could be drug related? I'm just completely puzzled by the behavior.

[ForeverDad]

If you raise the drug issue in court, understand that if anything is ordered, it will likely be applied to both of you.  So a word to the wise, stay clean.

I just assumed a PI would be bonded.  I don't really know either way.  The main point is a professional, emotionally neutral to the relationship, can do things you and I can't.

What you describe of her behavior is a common account heard here.  My ex became, um, more unhinged and rageful after we had a child.  (Silly misguided me, I thought a child would make her finally happy but instead it was as if she couldn't love both of us.  A child does not fix a dysfunctional relationship, it just makes unwinding it vastly more complicated.)  She nursed for 14 months and that entire time was somewhat emotionally remote, focusing on our child.  I actually thought she might be going through PPD, especially when she seemed so much better when she stopped nursing.  But it lasted only 2 months.  One of her friends called her a 'traitor' for something and she reverted right back and began isolating us more, driving away friends and family.  When I saw her looking at my parenting sideways, I knew I was about to be an outcast too and realized the marriage was about to implode.  We separated when our son was a preschooler, police were involved and it was real messy.

[Jordan7190]

Forever Dad,

Wow, what your wife did, "it's as if she couldn't love both of us" sounds eerily similar to what I experienced. It really is something on here how so many of the behaviors are identical. What drives those behaviors? Is it fear, anger?

Did you end up with joint custody? I'm just starting the custody agreement, and I'm wondering what to expect. She asked for joint right now, but I'm very aware that'll change, and probably soon. She's been dropping clues to me that she's going for full soon. Which puts a pit in my stomach. How did you handle yourself in the face of the storm? I find myself barely able to make it through the day because of the fear of what's coming/unraveling in front of me. So much happens in one week, it's as if a whole month or two has gone by. It's emotionally draining.

[AnuDay]

Forever Dad,

Wow, what your wife did, "it's as if she couldn't love both of us" sounds eerily similar to what I experienced. It really is something on here how so many of the behaviors are identical. What drives those behaviors? Is it fear, anger?

Did you end up with joint custody? I'm just starting the custody agreement, and I'm wondering what to expect. She asked for joint right now, but I'm very aware that'll change, and probably soon. She's been dropping clues to me that she's going for full soon. Which puts a pit in my stomach. How did you handle yourself in the face of the storm? I find myself barely able to make it through the day because of the fear of what's coming/unraveling in front of me. So much happens in one week, it's as if a whole month or two has gone by. It's emotionally draining.

Hello Jordan,
I can help a little bit.  We have similar uBPD spouses.  Mine is not as smart as yours though.  Mine went from dressing like a college girl to dressing like a slut... .ripped leggings, low cut t shirts, tight pants, etc.  This was right up to the point she decided to start sleeping with another guy.  She went from sleeping at 10pm to putting the kids to bed at 9pm and going out until 2am. 
So, I would say that your wife is definitely having an affair.  How many, I don't know.  Mine is having 1 or maybe 2.  She has absolutely lost her mind.  She spends little to no time educating the kids even though she doesn't work and is at home all day.  The house is a mess.  Her car is a mess.  Document and take pictures of how she can't keep anything organized.  Document the activities that you do with the kids and the time that you spend with them.  Record conversations that you have with the children.  Take pictures of everything.  Take pictures of your wifes spending spree (my gf has been blowing through her own cash).  Whatever these women are going through once they split is absolutely insane and it is bound to take you down.  Is adultery legal in your state?  Can you get a hint of who the guy is on social media?  My gf left clues all over the place.  She would text the guy non-stop.  Mine has moved into a hotel temporarily until she can leave the country.  I have some work to do in the courts.  Good luck, pray, and I know that one day things will be so much better for both of us. 

[ForeverDad]

Did you end up with joint custody? I'm just starting the custody agreement, and I'm wondering what to expect. She asked for joint right now, but I'm very aware that'll change, and probably soon. She's been dropping clues to me that she's going for full soon. Which puts a pit in my stomach. How did you handle yourself in the face of the storm? I find myself barely able to make it through the day because of the fear of what's coming/unraveling in front of me. So much happens in one week, it's as if a whole month or two has gone by. It's emotionally draining.

First, stop believing everything she claims is a real risk to you.  Get and believe legal advice from your experienced lawyer, not the entitled, blaming mother.

Next, find out how custody and parenting schedules are addressed in your state and local court.  Most states seem to have custody refer to major parenting decisions such as medical, school and religious.  The parenting schedule spells out the time, exchanges, and other obligations each parent has regarding parenting.

She's going for "full custody" soon?  Is that parenting responsibility or parenting schedule?  Well, if you oppose that then it will be up to the court to decide.  A general truism here is that while court doesn't try to be very fair to us stable parents, it at least is usually "less unfair" than our Ex.

Also, it is very hard for a parent to get full custody early in a case unless (1) the other parent doesn't oppose it or (2) the parent presents documentation that gives basis to get full custody.  The result is that most orders (I will exclude temp orders) are for joint custody, there typically has to be something demonstrably wrong with a parent for the other parent to get full custody.  So I suspect your ex is so entitled that she is mistaken in her belief that she can shut you out of legal custody or parenting time.  Courts would do that only if there were no other feasible options.  Unless you are poorly represented that shouldn't happen permanently to you.

Parenting time may be a bit different.  Mothers do seem to get some unwritten default preference for majority time.  So your task is to get as good an order as possible as soon as you can.

For example, I had a couple temp orders, the one during the divorce was in effect for close to two years.  It assigned my then-stbEx full custody and majority time.  Why?  I worked and she didn't.  This despite her facing a Threat of DV charge in another court in the county.  However, at the end of the divorce (Final Decree) I walked out with joint legal custody and equal time.  That failed so I went back to court and 3 years later I walked out with full legal custody.  That still didn't work so I went back to court yet again and 3 years later I walked out with majority time too.