I am just about fed up with what I am dealing with at home

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been posting on here for a few days.  Reading posts by nons and learning.  I am just about fed up with what I am dealing with at home and what many of us nons are going through.  I'm ready to give my gfwBPD the boot!  Unfortunately we have children together and live in the same house.  I suppose I will start with No Contact first.  :)o I have to make eye contact with her?  She hates when I don't look at her.  I would prefer not to as I am disgusted with her and her behavior.  We live together and she's having an open affair and she acts like what she is doing is no big deal.  There is no way for me or her family to stress that its a HUGE deal.  She just blows it off when I bring it up and says "I don't want to talk about it."

[AnuDay]

I've been posting on here for a few days.  Reading posts by nons and learning.  I am just about fed up with what I am dealing with at home and what many of us nons are going through.  I'm ready to give my gfwBPD the boot!  Unfortunately we have children together and live in the same house.  I suppose I will start with No Contact first.  :)o I have to make eye contact with her?  She hates when I don't look at her.  I would prefer not to as I am disgusted with her and her behavior.  We live together and she's having an open affair and she acts like what she is doing is no big deal.  There is no way for me or her family to stress that its a HUGE deal.  She just blows it off when I bring it up and says "I don't want to talk about it."

[Skip]

We live together and she's having an open affair and she acts like what she is doing is no big deal.  

You probably need to get her out of the house. Have you contacted a lawyer on how you might do this? Restraining order?

No contact, no eye contact while living together will be hard on the kids.

[ForeverDad]

Also remember that your state will have laws that determine how custody and parenting schedules are assigned or set.  Please consult a few family law attorneys to find out (1) where you stand as an unmarried parent in your state and (2) what strategies you will need to continue to be an involved parent.

Do so confidentially.  You would probably sabotage yourself if you blurted out, "Well, I'm going to get a lawyer and... ."  Separation, ending the adult relationship, needs to be done almost like unwinding a business.  Some information needs to be kept confidential until the right time to disclose it.  As emotional as you feel, at this point you probably can't reason with her and any outbursts/pleas/etc will fail or be used against you later.  While you can't separate without some level of triggering overreactions, it is best to avoid the obvious triggers since you don't know which ones would make things worse.

The laws are clear, you can't force a relationship partner to remain in the relationship.  Family or domestic courts are the place where the state ensures that basic rules are followed as the relationship is undone.

Remember, the adult relationship may end but you both will remain parents.  Frankly, accept that the GF/BF relationship is ending.  So focus on preserving as much parenting as you can.  Depending on how much her thinking and perceptions are distorted, she may believe that if she wants you gone then she may expect you to be gone from the kid's lives too.  Well, that's not right of course. 

Is she an involved mother, greatly attached to 'her' kids or is she wandering away and putting the new adult relationship ahead of parenting?  The answer to this may indicate how much "high conflict" you will face.  As as I wrote above, the time is past to be outraged or trying to fix things.  She's a lost cause, there is too much baggage in the relationship for her to really listen to you.  Instead, now is the time to focus on the children and the related legal issues involved.  How will custody be handled?  What will the parenting schedule be like?

[AnuDay]

Thank you Skip,
Yes, A restraining order is possible in this situation.  I went to the courthouse 2 days ago to file for one, but I chickened out.  I don't want to trigger her and as ForeverDad suggested I think I need more time to wind this down.  You are right Skip, the no contact has been hard on the children.  I will try to soften it up a bit tomorrow only in front of the kids. 
I will have to reread what you wrote ForeverDad because it is complicated, but thank you for the great advice! and to answer your question she is a so-so involved mother.  Her relationships definitely come first.  My replacement even told her that she comes first and she soaks it right up.  She is extremely self-absorbed and immature,  I heard her laugh once when my daughter 6 burned herself on the crockpot when the two of them were playing. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

There are old-fashioned but useful laws in the books still in many places.  One such is that in my state, for example, adultery precludes the violator from receiving spousal support. So, in your locality, there may be something in your situation to help you with remaining in the home, kicking gf out, child custody, being a fit parent, etc.   Although living together, and common-law spouse have a lower legal stature, it's worth some honest answers from a lawyer.
Good luck.

[Skip]

There are old-fashioned but useful laws in the books still in many places. 

This is good point. AnuDay's state, however, places little weight on adultery in support and custody decisions.

[AnuDay]

I had to file a police report today.  She threatened that her boyfriend was going to beat me up when he saw me (really childish middle school stuff).  Im debating filing for a TRO.  I went to court today but it was too late.  She said shes moving out this weekend but has yet to pack a single thing. She has no job.  Im sure she would be content to live with me forever as long as I supply love, affection, and take care of the kids while she goes out. She really does not see why her affair is such a big deal.  Everyday I tell her to go to her boyfriends house and she says "why do you keep bringing him up?" She only goes over there on certain nights and always comes back by 2am.  She cant stay overnight for whatever reason.

[ForeverDad]

Most states don't care about the convoluted adult behaviors.  They expect both spouses to be adults.   They prefer to be passive referees who make rulings only when necessary.

Did you record her threat?  Back when I separated and divorced I had a recorder with a capacity of just a few hours.  Today there are a myriad of devices, some able to hold 1000 hours or more.  If you use one be sure not to antagonize her with it, for example, don't wave it in her face.  I kept mine in a shirt pocket.  You might be smart to use one to document for self-protection.  Even if she never acts on her threats, she's still not supposed to make threats.

Mine threatened to kill me, more than once.  It was recorded and she faced trial for doing so.  However, after all that hassle, the judge ruled her threats were not "imminent" as mentioned in case law so the written law didn't quite apply.  The ADA was dumbfounded.  I concluded that she was a woman, a mother and her first time in court.  Somehow I doubt that I, a man, would have had the same kid gloves treatment.