Do you think he's BPD traits

[Bunty]

Hi hope you can help. My daughter is devastated after her ex who was always so loving broke up with her. A week prior to break up he suddenly changed with drawing affection and drinking more than he normally would. Now, he was also suffering from depression although up to this had not seen a doctor. When he broke up, he said he's too down to do a relationship & she wasn't to contact him for a few weeks which she honoured. Two weeks later he told her he made a huge mistake. They got back together but next morning he finished with her again. He saw a psychiatrist & was put on medication. He continued to lean on my daughter emotionally and told her he's confused but still has feelings for her so she clung to hope. He continued according to him, to feel depressed. However she soon found out he was seeing someone else. He denied there was anything going on but after a month or so admitted it was true. He cried telling her he hates himself for messing her around. Then she found out he lied to friends about the break up making it out she kept messaging him and wouldn't take no for an answer when in fact he was approaching her, telling her he still had feelings for her etc. He has managed to turn things around to make my daughter look as if she's been annoying him. They attend the same college and he has broken away from all his friends since the break up, puts his head down when he passes her with the new gf. However, on his own he's often stopped   chatted. The last time he told her to let him know how she's getting on & he will let her know (as he was still quite down). He will be doing an Erasmus year so my daughter a week or so ago sent him a msg to wish him all the best on his year away. She hadn't been in contact for about 2 months and as he will be going away she won't see him again. He immediately blocked her which really upset her. She hates the way the relationship ended so badly when it was so good and she feels she was made out to be the bad one. His gf seems to think she was trying to break them up as she probably has no idea he was stringing my daughter along while seeing her. He seems to have manipulated lied and generally messed my daughter up and she can't seem to get over the pain and shock. Could he have traits of BPD with his depression? The antidepressants ( up to the last time she saw him) don't seem to have helped much.

[Bunty]

Sorry I should also add that when my daughter and her ex were together, as well as him constantly telling her how much he loves her, he also used to say when he got depressed how his biggest fear is that she would leave him because he got so 'down'. So when he went from being so affectionate to with drawing affection it was very out of character. He also was very evasive, not wanting to confront anything preferring to run away rather than talk.

[pearlsw]

Hi Bunty,

I think it is really hard to say given these details. Perhaps if your daughter reads information here she will have more insights into what happened between her and this person. It is certainly possible though. At this point since, if I am not mistaken, they are no longer together, it could help her come to terms with all of this.

I have a current partner with BPD traits and in the past I had a partner who had some of them too. One was self-harming, the other is not. People are different and express these things differently. Neither person I've been involved with had an official diagnosis, we both just knew something was "off" in their emotional reactions to things.

It took me a long time to come to terms with the break up with the first ex I had that had these issues. After a year or so of being together, in the span of one week, with no reason or warning, he went from "wanting to spend the rest of his life with me" to not wanting to talk to me ever again and went totally silent. (He was the one that did self-harm and also absolutely hated himself like no one I've ever met. It was tragic.) I wrote, I called, nothing.

I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. I had so many questions, and so few answers, and almost nowhere to turn. I thought I would lose my mind. It hurt tremendously. Ultimately, it helped a little bit to have some "educated guesses" about what went wrong, what "his issues" were, from reading what I could, but... .the best healer honestly has simply been time and meeting other partners. The internet was thinner then and there was less info. to help interpret all of this. It is still hard because these traits can look so different person by person. Ya, know? But I acknowledge this is part of her recovery from a break up process, but just one part. The shift to her own future possibilities and taking time to gradually accept the reality of things and be ready for something new is an important focus - if and when she is ready.

As she works through this I think I would encourage your daughter to just learn more about communication from this site, if she is into it. No matter who she is with going forward there are great ideas here. It might help her to recover from her loss and to feel more positive going forward, that she did not lose all by losing this relationship and she is preparing herself for a future one.

Wishing you both the best! Take care!

[Bunty]

Thanks pearlsw. The truth is I hadn't known anything about BPD until I saw an article which led me to look more into it and either had my daughter. Yes, it's hard for her as he made out she was the love of his life. He also has self harmed due to his depression and there was also a mention that he could be bipolar but nothing definite. I think if she reads up on BPD it may give her a better insight and come to terms with what happened knowing there was nothing she could do to prevent the relationship coming to a sudden end

[pearlsw]

I hope so! At first I was really devastated, after that break up with this very loving/intense/brilliant person after just one year. With time I came to see that I had "dodged a bullet" by having the relationship end. He had told me too that I was the "most amazing woman ever" and asked me twice to marry him. I hesitated, but probably would have at some point. Losing him was a sudden shock, like sudden death. It was so traumatic for me. I would wake up dry heaving and desperately calling friends to talk it over and ask for reasons why he had done this this way. I had no idea someone could/would just dump you like this so fast, suddenly, without warning, especially right after all seemed so good! I am still a bit dumbfounded by it all.

I did not read the warning signs correctly with my current relationship either, had hoped for more, and have been driven by (my messed up ideas about) age to make it work at all costs, but turns out this fella has some borderline traits as well so it has been extremely hard and may simply not work out in the long run either. I just tend to think you fall in love and work on what comes along, but I have learned that "love" isn't always enough and that is okay. I will give my best and when/if the price gets too high save myself if I have to.

Current partner has literally broken up with me hundreds of times, I felt wrecked. Break ups hurt, but now I know I will be okay if it ever does happen, end finally I mean. I have survived break ups before and I will take a nice big break after this relationship ends, if it does, to just focus on me and rebuilding my life and making new connections with friends, volunteering, and putting all I have into enjoying my life - that is the way I like to imagine it so I am not living in fear and paralyzed by this. That is the lesson I am learning, the hard way unfortunately. There is no time to waste in being happy in life. I choose to find tiny bits of happiness every day while I am living my current life. It's not much, not enough, these tiny bits, but for now it is okay. Staying in the present helps me.

Oh, I so hope your daughter feels better and recovers well from this break up! Many of us know her pain so, so well. Take care!