Giant leap

[Harley Quinn]

Hi everyone,

I've harped on about discovering myself and addressing my own issues following my BPD relationship quite a bit.  Tomorrow is the day the major work starts.  I'm having my first consultation with a psychiatrist.  I've requested a diagnosis of any personality or mood disorder I may be presenting and although I have my own suspicions and have researched and looked very closely at myself I'm trying to keep an open mind and be prepared for whatever may come out.  Feeling a mixture of anxiety and excitement (both extremely similar feelings) and am also feeling quite vulnerable somehow.  I've been building up to this for a long time and now the moment is here it's a bit scary yet empowering.  I am taking control and facing things head on.  Am ready for this.  I have a lot to talk about regards the relationship and how it has left me feeling incredibly messed up yet am seeing things with a clarity regards myself and the destructive patterns in my life that I've previously only touched upon.  I mean, we all know ourselves don't we?  But how much of ourselves do we just accept as a given and how often do we really question where our behaviours come from and how they affect us in an ongoing way?  I am willing and determined to get to the root of my codependency, get some therapy for the aftermath symptoms I've been experiencing and tackle anything else that is uncovered.  Not sure if I've been experiencing some Stockholm Syndrome during the relationship around the physical abuse and all the emotional battering and potentially some PTSD since the end but again I'm open to whatever arises and ultimately whatever help I can get.  Just thought I'd share because I'm sitting here feeling a nervous wreck and also I think it would be worth sharing what I discover along the way in case it rings true to anyone else.  If nothing more I can add to the statistical analysis of the 'nons'    Wish me luck!

Love and light x

[stimpy]

I've been around this forum for a little time now, maybe 18 months or so, and my conclusion for myself is that this process of recovery comes in perhaps 4 stages

- Getting over the initial shock / trauma from being discarded
- Getting over the relationship and learning to live detached and separate from my expwBPD
- Learning about myself, and learning why I ever allowed myself to get involved with someone with a personality disorder.
- Learning how to become a slightly different version of myself, so that it never happens again.

I'm somewhere between 3 and 4 at the moment.

Good luck on your journey of self discovery.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Harley Quinn,

Good luck with your therapy. I have been thinking about doing the same.

I am aware of issues regarding codependency in myself which I feel go back to childhood and a somewhat anxious attachment to my mother and an absent father early on in my life (he was in the services). I feel as if I have had a big empty hole my entire life where love should be. I have been fearful of being abandoned my whole life by women and have done the abandoning myself some times.

Regarding my ex who recently blamed her suicide attempt on me; while it was shocking to hear that, I could actually understand how she came to that conclusion. I had been pestering her from the word go for a closer relationship, this triggered her fears of getting too close, then when she wouldn't do as I asked, her abandonment fears kicked in. I get that messed up logic. She is angry with me for walking away from the r/s despite her pushing me away during most of our time. What I've discovered about a BPD is the reason they do the push/pull cycle is because they do not understand shades of grey or nuances. Therefore, if I say I love her one day and then push her away the next because she is not being loving or caring, that is confusing to her.

So this situation I have been in has encouraged me to think of some of my own behaviour. I think her suicide attempt may just have been a way of getting revenge on me because she hasn't been speaking to me, despite me offering support. I have well and truly been painted black and the best course of action is to do nothing.

I do hope she is alright, but I don't think anything I can say will rally change anything at the moment. I told her I care about her and how she is, but she is clearly too angry with me to talk. Like a child stamping her foot. Except she isn't a child, she is a woman who tried to take her own life. This is serious business we are involved in and I need to get some perspective.