Applying the Lessons for Not Making it Worse

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Everyone, I haven't posted much lately, although I have been reading some posts.  As usual, I read some very familiar things and feel I have much in common with many of you struggling to improve your relationships.

I am happy to report that some of the suggested strategies for not making things worse get easier and more natural with time and practice.  One thing that really works is stopping myself from JADEing.  I can get defensive quickly and had an ingrained habit of justifying, defending, arguing and explaining my actions.  I have worked - a lot on making myself a person with healthy self esteem and this had made it more ok to skip the JADEing.

Another thing that has become easier is not taking the bait for keeping the chaos
going. I have observed that my husband must feel off balance when everything is
peaceful.  He will make some demand or provocation  to throw things off kilter.  For example, this morning seemingly, everything was going along fine.  I am leaving on a trip in about 10 days and will be leaving from an airport about an hour away.  He is retired and can make appointments just about anytime.  But, he scheduled an appointment and will not be able to drive me to the airport.  Sorry, but you will have to take Uber he says.  Walking away, I say okay whatever, no problem.  Then he yells you are always turning your back on me when I'm trying to talk to you.  Then he tells me f*** y**.  I have a boundary against that so I tell him I will talk to him when he can be nicer.  He says well each time you disrespect me, by walking away, sighing or saying whatever I am going to disrespect you by saying f*** y**. 

I didn't start yelling, pouting or reacting  which I have done thousands of times in the past.  When I would respond it was off to the races... .yelling, door slamming and all types of escalation.  But, thank goodness, I have learned not to react to that type of provocation.  I calmly too a shower and dressed to run errands.
 
My life is more peaceful and I am able to see things more clearly when not constantly engaged in a battle with him.

I'm sure many of you are successfully navigating your relationships.
I would love to hear from you about what strategies you apply to make life more enjoyable and peaceful.
.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Shane87]

Understanding is so empowering when interacting with someone who suffers from BPD.  I am glad that you have been able to find a measure of peace.

[Tattered Heart]

Congratulations! Doesn't it feel great to not get caught up in their drama?

[Coconut2017]

This is awesome.
Gives hope to those of us who are still learning how to manage the outbursts.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks for your responses.  Shane 87, yes understanding is a large part of it.  Looking at our disagreements overtime has helped me to identify patterns. Changing my responses, having firm boundaries, refusing to escalate arguments creates more peace in my life.  And that is empowering!

Yes,  Tattered Heart, it does feel great not to get caught up in the drama. It has taken a lot of practice and determination over several years to make progress with that.

Coconut2017, I am so happy that my progress gives hope!  Many times I have read through posts looking for hope. 

 Avoiding the drama, setting boundaries, not escalating arguments are allowing me to have some space to think.  It has taken me a very long time, with the help of therapy to accept that my husband's rages and drama are not my fault.  Wow!  It's a long road toward healing.  But, at least I am moving further along.


Along with therapy, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist:  How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad has been indispensable.  I highly recommend it.

Peace and hugs to everyone who needs encouragement today!

Mustbeabetterway

[CV]

I have trouble not taking things so personally. I've tried to slow things down but she is in relenting. I hope I can get to where you are. Congratulations I am truly happy for you.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi CV, thanks for the congratulations.  I truly hope you can get to a more peaceful place, as well.

Man, I really know what you mean about taking things personally.  That is a hard one.  I struggle with it and am still trying to deal with that in therapy.  The best thing I have done is to limit the amount of verbal abuse that I hear.  I have found that not allowing the argument to escalate is most important.  I have learned to take a time out.  Fjelstad talks about this in her book - if you haven't read it, you should.  For example, I will take the dog for a walk, exercise, run a quick errand.  I never would have believed it, but 9 times out of 10, when I get back, he is in a totally different mood.  I have read that the short time alone gives them time to self soothe.

Also, therapy has been great as a reality check for me, I often wonder if the things he says  about me are true.  She has helped me analyze the statements and decide based on evidence if they are valid. I am practicing this on my own, and getting better at that.

My husband has not been diagnosed with BPD, but I find the behaviors that often cause problems  are consistent with BPD characteristics.  He is not in therapy, and blames me for many of our problems.  


We have had a very long relationship and have been married for a long time.  He
Has many good qualities that help me stay committed to our marriage.  Although lately I have gotten better at coping with the problems, the problems are still there.  Just the way I am reacting or not reacting is different.  

I am trying to get the most out of life and not waste it getting bogged down in meaningless arguments, etc.

What do you think?  Mustbeabetterway