Should I get off this roller coaster?

[damenlost]

Hi everyone

I've been in a relationship with a BPD woman, I love her deeply but I'm now in the midst of a crisis. Things have come to a head and my BPD effectively tossed me out of the house and proclaimed that I was the worse thing that ever happened to her! We have been together for about five years living together with her two young daughters from her first marriage. I have been agonizing that perhaps I haven't treated her BPD with the respect it deserves.

I consider myself to be a shake it off and move on positive type of personality that in retrospect may be the worst kind of person for a BPD? Before throwing me out, she sent all of our friends and my family including my young adult sons an email with such venom (personal) and a mix of half truths while exposing deeply personal things that one would only share with their romantic partner.

My family is aghast, almost universally condemning the action. Predictably our neighbors and friends not knowing the whole picture have sided with her and now perceive me to be the worst partner possible. In fact, when I reached out to two of her closest friends to ask them to keep an eye on her (self harm history) they, likely after speaking to my BPD interpreted my action as some kind of self interest move on my part?

At the risk of whining, I feel that our relationship has eroded to the point that I'm simply the emotional caretaker and cleaner/cook as she is the low functioning BPD type. Ironically she accuses me of not carrying my own weight around the house!

The tirade coming from her has become relentless and particularly mean to the point that my own level of self respect and confidence has been deeply beaten down. I'm honestly starting to question whether or not as she constantly states that I have made her condition worse and adding to her physical lack of well being.

Her lack of trust in me- a BPD hallmark led her to somehow getting into one of my computers. This is where I have a confession to make, in a period of deep malaise of feeling neglected and taken for granted and specifically being emotionally and physically ignored I had an affair. It was short lived, not to make an excuse but I found that my level of interest just wasn't there so I broke it off. I felt that as corny as it sounds "it wasn't my beloved BPD" and there really was no point. Needless to say, when I confessed to her that I had she went ballistic and I have to say in my shame that I don't blame her, BPD or not.

At this point she says that she will never forgive me and never trust me although I doubt that she ever trusted me?

This is a high level snapshot of my plight. My family is asking me to run away as fast as I can from my relationship but I find myself conflicted as I deeply love her but I don't know if I'm cut out for the role? Assuming I can patch things to the point where my partner and I are at least back to status quo I feel that so much damage has occurred with our extended relationships and family that a sense of normalcy is not attainable.

Her relationships with her physiatrists have been rocky and I'm having great difficulty getting her into a program that could help her (CBT or DBT) not because she doesn't want to it just that local programs have lengthy waiting periods

Is all lost? am I fighting a losing battle or postponing the inevitable outcome? Does CBT/DBT really help? Am I missing something that I could be doing?

Trust me, the "lost" part in my screen name is exactly where I am. I'm grateful that such a support group exists, and thankful of your experiences and guidance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Let me welcome you here to the bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful. Your words have echoed my own and those of many others here. I tell you this to let you know that you are not alone.

As trite as this may sound, all is not lost until you have decided that it is lost. Until that point, there is still hope and that is a very powerful thing.

Rebuilding trust is hard and takes a lot of time in the best of circumstances. It can be done however.

How long have the two of you been together? Do you live under the same roof? Has she been diagnosed, and if so, when?

What would you like to get from visiting us?

I know your life is difficult now, but knowledge will help you make the right decisions. Educate yourself as best you can about BPD. Please read the articles and workshops - they will give you some good skills at communicating

[Mutt]

Hi damenlost,



I'd like to join Meili and welcome you to bpdfamily, I think that what you're trying to say is "is it worth it in the long run". A r/s is something that is very personal. From time to time we have people that are outsiders that are looking into our r/s and point out certain things, it's easy for them to point things out but it's not as simple as that. We can't tell you what to do, we can listen to you, provide you feedback and support you with your decisions.

You are right that you take on a caretaker role if you're in a r/s with a pwBPD, keep in mind that she has impairments, she's just wired differently. There may be a possibly that she's going to stay this way, there's also a chance that she may not, there's nothing in life that's 100%, there's always a 2% margin. A good book that's realistic  about the role that we play when we have a partner that has BPD traits is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

You can click on the link and check out our book review on it, it also gives you strategies with how to cope when a pwBPD are emotionally dysregulate or baiting for a fight. From what I gather with what you shared in your post is extreme thinking or all or nothing thinking. A pwBPD really struggle with seeing the gray areas in life. Read as much as you can about the disorder, it will help you with normalizing the behavior and depersonalizing it as well.

I know that being told that you're the worst thing that happened to her would really sting, also keep in mind that feelings equals facts to a pwBPD, so she probably had very intense feelings at the moment and she's judging you based on those feelings not on facts. I mentioned earlier that things are more complicated than that, we have more parts to us, good and bad that a pwBPD don't see in us at moments where they have intense feelings. Try to depersonalize it because it's something that our pwBPD are going through at that time, try to separate yourself from her.

I know that it's easier said than done, it takes time to make changes, I think that it takes consistency, keep at it and you'll see change bit by bit over time.