First Step in Protecting Rights in Court

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all,

I believe that my exBPDgf is making moves to obtain custody of the children.  I had to evict her after her month long affair failed to subside and increased in intensity despite 2 relationship counseling sessions.  So she's finally moving out, which is good, less stress for me dealing with her coming in at all hours of the morning, but she brought the cops with her to help her pack her stuff because she told them that I would not let her in last night.  It sounded like they wanted to charge me for changing the locks.  I simply explained to them that the old lock was broken and they stopped hassling me.  The cops were very friendly and told me that she told them everything about our situation.   I explained to them that she had been staying at her boyfriends house the past few nights.  They explained that this was very rough on the children.  They recommended that I go to family court so that I can preserve my rights as a parent regarding visitation and custody.  What does this mean?  What do I do in family court?  Should I file a petition for custody right now?

Thanks

[AnuDay]

Hello all,

I believe that my exBPDgf is making moves to obtain custody of the children.  I had to evict her after her month long affair failed to subside and increased in intensity despite 2 relationship counseling sessions.  So she's finally moving out, which is good, less stress for me dealing with her coming in at all hours of the morning, but she brought the cops with her to help her pack her stuff because she told them that I would not let her in last night.  It sounded like they wanted to charge me for changing the locks.  I simply explained to them that the old lock was broken and they stopped hassling me.  The cops were very friendly and told me that she told them everything about our situation.   I explained to them that she had been staying at her boyfriends house the past few nights.  They explained that this was very rough on the children.  They recommended that I go to family court so that I can preserve my rights as a parent regarding visitation and custody.  What does this mean?  What do I do in family court?  Should I file a petition for custody right now?

Thanks

[ForeverDad]

You need legal advice.  We can't give that, we're peer support, not lawyers.  Get a few consultations with local but experienced family law attorneys or solicitors.  See where you stand legally regarding custody and parenting.  I recall back when I was separated but hadn't filed yet the police were, to a certain extent, unhelpful.  That is, they would not force reasonable actions.

What your wife did when asking for a police escort was to posture as a victim or target.  I wouldn't be surprised if sometime in the future she claims she had to bring the police because you were blocking her.  Likely she will do that again, try to make you look worse than her.  How?  Well, she might look bad by having an affair but thee days nobody cares, not even domestic court wants to get into morality territory.  It is an adult relationship after all, not usually seen as impacting parenting.  But she may try to claim something, generally DV or child abuse, which the courts and other agencies do care about.

So be cautious going forward.  Don't let her bait you into arguments or outbursts that she could then morph into claimed DV incidents.  Same for parenting, don't do anything that she could twist into child abuse, neglect or endangerment.  Yes, your life henceforth needs to be clean as a whistle, so to speak.  You don't want to gift her any ammunition.

The number one risk now, being separated but with no custody or parenting orders, is that you both have equal but undefined parenting rights.  If you two disagree, then it's up to a court to decide.  However, that can take months to reach a decision, even a year or two is not uncommon around here.  Until you get there then there are two stages, first is waiting for a temp order and second is suffering through a temp order if unfavorable.  The problem there is that mothers often get the default preferences.  It too often doesn't feel like "Who should be primary for the children?", rather it's more like "Why shouldn't the mother be primary?"

For that reason you can't just sit back and wait for the other shoe to drop before reacting.  Reacting is a defensive move.  Being proactive is a more strategic and offense move.  Think competitive sports, who usually wins, the team playing defense or the team playing offense?  While we are not overly aggressive or abusive, we do need proactive strategies, especiallyconsidering we face mentally disordered people who when acting out are selfishly obstructive.

What do you think your spouse will do next now that she is out of the house?  Did she take the children with her or are they still with you?  Without orders in place she can just refuse to return the children the next time she gets them and then you have to go to court anyway.  I guess you'll find out rather quickly what she chooses to do regarding the kids.

Long term she doesn't sound like she'll have parenting as a priority.  But short term she might.  It might help her divorce case to look like an involved mother.  It might help her to look better to her affair partner.  Seeking the upper hand in custody and parenting to have a good public face is possible.  Eventually that mask will crack but perhaps not for a while.

[AnuDay]

I find it amazing how much we have all been through and that we can complete each others stories.  Thank you so much for the sound advice. Some of my family members have been suggesting the same.  I was thinking of filing for a TRO since she stalked me at my job and is harassing me.  The kids and her came back the next day. She claimed the kids had no place to stay. I find it more likely that her affair partner doesn't want to be that involved, certainly not to the extent of having kids over.  Thank you for the advice.  She simply is not mother material. I doubt she could last a month with the kids.  I think her next move is to move out permanently. She said she will send me her custody arrangement request through email or text.  She doesnt want the courts involved. I could probably beat her in court due to her limited resources.  I just dont know if I want to take it that far or just move on with my life.