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Author Topic: exBPD Confused  (Read 396 times)
malloo

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5


« on: June 14, 2017, 12:33:20 AM »

Hello everyone,

So I've been on this page a lot over the last month. My ex girlfriend, diagnosed with BPD, left me about a month ago. Needless to say it has been one of the hardest months of my life.

Like every BPD relationship, this was the most romantic relationship I have ever been in. This 6 month relationship was my first relationship after a break up with my former 5 year long girlfriend.

My relationship with my BPD was incredible. I love her more than anything. It was so intense from the very beginning and I truly thought I was going to marry this woman. During our relationship I threw out a lot of my own morals and views to deal with some of the things she put me through. Ranging from constantly talking to through text and social media to her exes and other males, to moving her in 2 months into our relationship, to dealing with her rocky and pernicious past. I put all of this aside and for 6 months did everything I could to work things out with her. I treated her like a princess and gave her every part of my heart. Her parents would constantly bug her and I about getting married. Though we had struggles, on both ends, we always loved each other.

The morning she left me was the day after our first big fight. She called me controlling and just attacked me for every fault I had. I did not attack back because I didn't want to hurt her. I promised her I would change and work on the things she was having issues with. She held me the next morning and promised me everything was ok. She told me she was not going to leave me and that I "was it for her". She told me she would never love anyone and if we were to end she would be devastated. A few hours later she went out to lunch with her mother, who also has BPD, she returned and they packed her things and she left.

3 weeks had past of me wondering what she was up to, worrying and hoping to hear from her. We had talked once or twice on her account. She would call me and say things like "It's thunder-storming and I got scared so I called you but Idk why". The conversations were always short and made me feel very confused after. During this 3 week separation a mutual friend of ours had contacted me to let me know they thought she was in a relationship and that she had being saying very hurtful and horrible things about me to everyone. At this point I had decided I couldn't let myself be hurt and treated poorly anymore. She returned to my apartment 3 weeks to the day she left to pick up the last of her items. I handed her things over the railing of my back porch and after the last item all I said to her was "goodbye". I finally was starting to feel strong and that I was ready to move on from the woman I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with. As she drove off I blocked her number.

The next day out of nowhere I received a facebook friend request from her. I ignored it for about a half hour. Then I received a message on instagram from her telling me that she wanted to talk to me. She told me "Just so you know, I am not in a relationship because I am not over you". I agreed to talk to her on the phone. The entire hour and a half phone call she professed her love to me. She told me she missed me so bad and she didn't know it would hurt so bad being away from me. She told me all she ever thinks about is me and hasn't been able to sleep for 3 weeks because I wasn't there beside her. She told me she had been seeing a therapist for her disorder and she felt as if she had the strongest hold on it she ever had. Again she told me that she would be devastated if her and I didn't work things out. We exchanged I love yous multiple times over the phone call and I had expsressed to her my concerns and also that I had wanted to work on things together as well. I agreed to add her on snapchat and to text her.

The following day we began talking again. We decided we would start off as friends and go from there. We talked all day long. She sent me a picture of her and I told her she was gorgeous. I didn't hear from her at all after that until the next day. She decided the next day that her and I were only going to exchange messages if they had to do with the two cats and dog her and I had gotten together because she said I was unable to handle just being friends. I have all three of our animals at my apartment. I agreed and continued to do so, sending her pictures of the animals and that was it. A couple days later her and I began to talk about each other again. She got very upset at me and has not contacted me in a few days now.

I am so lost. It hurts so bad to think about her. I love her and I want to be with her, I want to work things out. Despite everything I've learned and read from these message boards. I know this is likely to happen again. I know I should be strong and do a full NC plan. But my heart wants to be with this woman. It's just so hard for me to let go of someone I thought I was going to marry. I need some advice, direction, help, anything...

Very Respectfully, _______
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heartandwhole
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2017, 06:51:24 AM »

I am so lost. It hurts so bad to think about her. I love her and I want to be with her, I want to work things out. Despite everything I've learned and read from these message boards. I know this is likely to happen again. I know I should be strong and do a full NC plan. But my heart wants to be with this woman. It's just so hard for me to let go of someone I thought I was going to marry. I need some advice, direction, help, anything...

Hey malloo,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so lost. I can relate very much to that. It's very hard to cope with this kind of behavior. You don't have to justify your feelings of love for your partner, and you don't have to do NC.   No one can predict the future for your relationship, and likewise, there are no guarantees. There ARE things, however, you can do to help the situation.

Have you been reading the Lessons and tools on the right sidebar ? ------>

They will help a lot. Remember that the advice you receive and the skills you learn in this community will benefit you for the rest of your life—in ALL of your relationships going forward. And hopefully, including this one with your girlfriend with BPD.

If your girlfriend continues the push/pull behavior, then it will help to think about your needs and limits. Otherwise, you will simply be emotionally drained.

In that last conversation, you said she got upset with you, then cut you off. What happened?

heartandwhole

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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
malloo

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2017, 05:38:58 PM »

Hey malloo,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so lost. I can relate very much to that. It's very hard to cope with this kind of behavior. You don't have to justify your feelings of love for your partner, and you don't have to do NC.   No one can predict the future for your relationship, and likewise, there are no guarantees. There ARE things, however, you can do to help the situation.

Have you been reading the Lessons and tools on the right sidebar ? ------>

They will help a lot. Remember that the advice you receive and the skills you learn in this community will benefit you for the rest of your life—in ALL of your relationships going forward. And hopefully, including this one with your girlfriend with BPD.

If your girlfriend continues the push/pull behavior, then it will help to think about your needs and limits. Otherwise, you will simply be emotionally drained.

In that last conversation, you said she got upset with you, then cut you off. What happened?

heartandwhole



I have been very emotionally drained and it's been hard. I feel lost when I'm trying to keep NC with her and I also feel lost when I'm doing everything I can to repair our relationship. During our last conversation it began by us talking about our animals as we had agreed. She had stated she was in a bad mood so naturally I made an attempt at helping her feel better. She began talking to me about the fact that she can't find anyone to make her happy since we had split. I asked her why if her and I are both miserable and unhappy since the split why we aren't making efforts to fix our relationship with each other. She then told me that I had hurt her too much during our relationship. And that's the hardest part for me is that I did everything I could for her. But I know that it is sometimes part of their thinking to only look at the bad in the situation. She told me I'm not giving her time to heal. The problem is that I know she is off meeting and hanging out with other men. I understand it is not my place to care or even have any say  in that. Im trying to do what I need to to make myself happy but no matter what decision I make I just feel so emotionally drained.
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heartandwhole
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2017, 08:50:30 AM »

She told me I'm not giving her time to heal. The problem is that I know she is off meeting and hanging out with other men. I understand it is not my place to care or even have any say  in that. Im trying to do what I need to to make myself happy but no matter what decision I make I just feel so emotionally drained.

It's hard, malloo. Most of us here know that feeling of exhaustion when nothing seems to make a difference either way. And we just hurt. 

Can you press the pause button and give yourself a little space to breathe? Stop trying to do anything? It might help. I think at first we become frantic to control the situation, ourselves, our partners... .but when nothing works we feel so lost.

Give yourself some time to just feel, if you can. If she has said she needs time, take it at face value and use that break for your own self-care. She may be out doing stuff and not working on healing. If that is so, then it's even more important for you to focus on yourself, right?

How are friends and family reacting to these developments? Are they supportive?

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
malloo

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2017, 05:55:48 PM »

Excerpt
Can you press the pause button and give yourself a little space to breathe? Stop trying to do anything? It might help. I think at first we become frantic to control the situation, ourselves, our partners... .but when nothing works we feel so lost.

Give yourself some time to just feel, if you can. If she has said she needs time, take it at face value and use that break for your own self-care. She may be out doing stuff and not working on healing. If that is so, then it's even more important for you to focus on yourself, right?

How are friends and family reacting to these developments? Are they supportive?

I'm trying best at this point to just take care of myself. And at times I feel like removing all contact for a least a little while will make me feel bettter. I've stopped reaching out to her fort but as soon as something happens in her life she immediately comes to me. The calls are always at a time of her need. And I want to be there for her so I'm trying to. She knows I'll always pick the phone when she calls. And as much as hearing her voice and hearing her complain to me about all the other things she off doing hurts me, I can't just ignore her. I care and I want to be there for her but I also love her and want to be with her. My friends and family are very biased and telling me to leave but they're support of my decisions to fix and heal myself. I've been going to therapy and trying to be myself again.

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heartandwhole
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2017, 01:42:51 AM »

I've stopped reaching out to her fort but as soon as something happens in her life she immediately comes to me. The calls are always at a time of her need. And I want to be there for her so I'm trying to. She knows I'll always pick the phone when she calls.

I understand wanting to be there for her. It sounds like you are practicing Limited Contact, and that can help you create a bit of space, malloo. I know it's hard to stay focused on yourself when she calls, but the time that you have between is time for you.

When she does call, how do the conversations go? Have you tried listening with empathy and validating? It can really help.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
malloo

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2017, 06:14:41 PM »

Excerpt
When she does call, how do the conversations go? Have you tried listening with empathy and validating? It can really help.

heartandwhole

Our calls have been going ok. She only calls me when something bad happens and she needs support or to vent. When she calls I just try to listen and give her a 3rd eye view and support. There's so much I want to say to her but I know it's best right now if I just keep it to myself. It is just emotionally draining me keeping it all in my head but I'm trying very hard to keep things civil. Sometimes I want to get her back and sometimes I just want to run far away.
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Gumiho
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 168



« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2017, 07:36:35 PM »

malloo - this sounds all so familiar. As heartandwhole mentioned, try giving yourself some space to breathe. Know you have done all you could and know you would do anything to be with her. Let that anything be giving yourself some timeout and support her doing that. Reward yourself for doing that.
I can well say I can relate. My hun moved to another town seemingly not giving the slightest of a second thought about what she was going to do to our relationship. (And still we're together, just in a more matured kind of relationship as for ours, as far as it's possible with a pwBPD). - aside from her recent splitting.

Well what more to say. You're here. Read and heal. Hang in there. If I knew about all that stuff a year ago I wouldn't have let it to consume me the way it did.
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malloo

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2017, 09:21:06 PM »


Well what more to say. You're here. Read and heal. Hang in there. If I knew about all that stuff a year ago I wouldn't have let it to consume me the way it did.
[/quote]

Unfortunately I did found out yesterday that she is in another relationship so now I'm just trying to work on myself. Everyone's support, words and guidance on here helps so much.
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Gumiho
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2017, 10:36:40 PM »

ㅠㅠ 

This is what scares me so much though I try to outwit myself into thinking that will never happen.
One day we randomly talked about affairs. I told my SO if ever something like that happened on my part (absolutely most definitely never going to happen) she will be the first who knows - to signal I expect the same from her.
Her relply - " what are you talking about, of course if you have an affair you would never want your partner to know!" ... with those words she ended talking about that subject, despite me being hurt obviously.
It's been bugging me, though it shouldn't. I just selfveiled it into my own selfesteem/jealousy issues, if there are any issues like that. But ouch sometimes fears sure kick back in.
Though I already know, should I find out anything, that's it for me.
Fighting~! malloo~~ keep updating how you're faring, if you want
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heartandwhole
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2017, 12:52:07 AM »

Unfortunately I did found out yesterday that she is in another relationship so now I'm just trying to work on myself.

Oh no, malloo, I'm sorry. What did she say?

heartandwhole
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