The Part I Played in the End

[roberto516]

I think a big part of detaching is to accept the role that I played in this. At times I want to blame her for everything. So last night I journaled as if I would send her a letter. I didn't send it. But I had to make peace with myself that I was not this "victim" or "saint" throughout this relationship. This is what I journaled. It's somewhat comforting to write this and I hope that we all come to a spot where we see that we have our own faults too.

"I spent too much time blaming you for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I hope one day, when we are both in a better spot, you can remember this and know that I am someone who learned from my mistakes and how I would be a different person. The month we were back together I believe I showed you I was that different person through patience, compromise, and healthy communication. Like I said, if you are crazy enough one day to consider a friendship, or something even more I would never close that door. Well here it goes.

The last month we both mentioned how we felt like roommates. And I put that on you to do something about it. I never asked you how we could both compromise and work on that.We eventually did and I started to make some changes. And you did too. I guess I was too demanding and got upset because I didn't see the results I wanted soon enough. That's my fault. I should have looked at you actively trying and been happy about that. Instead I wanted more like a moron.

When my grandpop died you were as supportive as you could be. But I was selfish. You held me, checked in on me, got me a self-help book, etc. Instead of seeing all that for the real care and concern I wanted more. But I didn't want more from you. You gave me what you could. And it was enough. It was christmas and you had to wrap up the final gifts to get. I don't know why I wasn't okay with that and understanding of that.

When I left that morning in january I did that because I wanted to see you tell me "please don't go." It was the only way I learned to act to see if you cared about me. But I didn't consciously and deliberately try other means of communication. I expected you to accept the way I wanted to communicate. All I had to say was "I really don't want to go. I just want to figure out how we can communicate better." That's all it would have taken. Something so minor on my part. The month we got back together I realized what I did wrong there. I didn't push you to talk. I was more patient knowing you would eventually speak. And it was working well. You yelled at me the one night and I didn't react. I understood where you were coming from.

And then when you told me you needed time I just couldn't accept that. I feared that you were going to end this. You told me so many times "I still want to be with you. I just need time." And for some dumb reason I could not accept that. I don't know why. It's something I have to figure out. And so I pushed you away. Demanded that you delete my family off facebook. Raged at you. And then when you told HR I realized I had gone too far. I subconsciously self-sabotaged this relationship.

And then I started to lie to you in anger. Please believe me that I never lied to you during the relationship. Not once. But I tried to do anything just to get you to talk to me. I know you know that because you did do it as well. When you said you were lost in bensalem or that you were going into a psych hospital. I know that was a way to get me to respond. It's why I did the same thing. I was clutching at straws for communication instead of being patient and empathetic to your feelings.

Now I will leave you alone. I hope one day we honestly reconsider a reconciliation in some sense. I messed up terribly. But the insight I"m gaining means I won't ever do it again. People promise "I won't ever do it again" but they have nothing else to add to it. They can't tell you why they won't do it again or even see the part they played. Well here I am telling you exactly what I did, why I did it, and how I could improve those things.

I really just wish one day, when you are ready for a relationship and committed to trying for someone, that I am considered as a possibility. If not then it is what it is. But I needed to show you that I take full responsibility for this.

Had I been more understanding, supportive of your needs, and able to just give you time to breathe then this would have all gotten better. But instead I pushed and forced and made you angry so that the exact thing I feared would happen did. That you left for good. 

I learned where my resentments come from. I'm actively doing EMDR for my childhood trauma so that I don't get triggered in the present anymore. It means I don't shut down anymore when I feel hurt. I don't react as strongly to that stuff anymore. I don't need to shut down when I feel hurt because I'm almost indifferent to it now. It's weird how it really does change your brain.

If you ever are looking for a partner who is funny, weird, caring, compassionate and who now knows how to communicate better, reflect instead of react, and look to himself for relationship solutions instead of putting it on his partner then look no further. And if you want someone who you know would never cheat on you, abandon you, and would be committed to always working on a relationship and seeing the part he plays in the dynamic. I don't think many people do that anymore. They put the blame on their partner like I did at the end. And look where it got me.

Outside of that I am finished with communication to you. I wish you the best, and I will never close the door to this. I realize where I went wrong and was able to prove that to you for a month. I just ask that you one day consider it. I hurt you terribly. But no one else knows what happened outside of my therapist. I didn't want to make it socially beyond repair. All the lies I'm sorry for. It was the only way I knew to get you to talk to me. It was stupid. I blew it big time, and all this knowledge doesn't mean I'll ever get another chance just to be your friend or something more. I'm sorry. This is the last novel you have to read from me. I have accepted that deep down it's over. Your mind is set, and you are a pretty stubborn person. It's an admirable trait. I just should not have pushed you to the edge and self-sabotaged something that was so special. "

[once removed]

this is a big step, roberto, and i imagine it doesnt come easily.

do you find that these realizations, and writing them down, are helping you to detach? bringing some clarity? causing greater pain? how ya feelin?

[roberto516]

this is a big step, roberto, and i imagine it doesnt come easily.

do you find that these realizations, and writing them down, are helping you to detach? bringing some clarity? causing greater pain? how ya feelin?

No... .it isn't easy. It really does hurt to see it. Because a part of me truly believes that if I had done these things and exercised more empathy and understanding maybe it would have improved. Maybe I would have improved. You know I once sent her an article about how both people have to be willing to put work into the relationship when it gets hard. I thought I had been doing that. Now I realize I wasn't doing it as much as I should have. I was putting it back onto her as if to say "See what you didn't do!". In reality, I wasn't putting all the work into it that I could have. I was waiting for her to take initiative when it could have been me doing that as well to try and repair the relationship.

I know one day I'll accept that this is over and has run it's course. Deep down I already know it has. It's been far too long since the initial breakup, too many mean words said etc. I know one day this insight will help me gain better clarity into myself. But honestly? I don't care about that right now . i don't care about the "Well now you know this for a future healthy relationship." I feel resistant to the fact that I will not get to try what I have learned about myself with her. But it's something I have to accept and forgive myself for.

To be honest. I just miss my girlfriend.

[roberto516]

And it really does just hurt seeing all the posts from people about their harassing exe's and how they just won't give up trying to win some of you back. And here I am reading these posts and seeing myself as your exe's. I really feel like I have lost my mind and have become just like your exe's. It's not something I like to read because I now see myself as the begging exe's that all of you have had to deal with.

[once removed]

some thoughts... .

I know one day this insight will help me gain better clarity into myself. But honestly? I don't care about that right now . i don't care about the "Well now you know this for a future healthy relationship." I feel resistant to the fact that I will not get to try what I have learned about myself with her. But it's something I have to accept and forgive myself for.

i completely understand that notion. future healthy relationships arent the here and now, and dont speak to the pain (grief) you are going through. let yourself grieve. the clarity youre seeing will help with that, but its going to be of cold comfort right now.

I really feel like I have lost my mind and have become just like your exe's.

we Detachers, as a community, do not have the strongest relationship skills, and most if not all of us fed into the dysfunction, in one way or another, as much as our exes did; and we tend to struggle uniquely with our own emotional issues and immaturity. this tends to become clearer the longer folks stick around on the board. its a big part of why we struggle as we do, and its the goal - to detach from the wounds. having new skills and insight to take into future relationships is only a part of that. but that insight will help you to detach.

i read your post on the Self Awareness board, and it reminded me of the time i physically started pulling out my hair in front of my ex. that stuff isnt about our exes, but how we respond to adversity - we struggle.

youre in the right place to come to terms with, and overcome that struggle, and youre taking strides to do it.

[roberto516]

i read your post on the Self Awareness board, and it reminded me of the time i physically started pulling out my hair in front of my ex. that stuff isnt about our exes, but how we respond to adversity - we struggle.

It's funny. In all other areas of my life I persevere. I never gave up on hobbies, sports, challenges in school or my life. I always took on things and was confident in my ability to do them. And if I did fail I wouldn't sulk for long at all. I guess the reason I struggle with the adversity of a failed relationship is because, despite what I try to do, I cannot be in complete control of the situation and determine its success rate all on my own. I have to willingly give up control but still feel hurt and betrayed when I feel like I'm giving it my all but it still doesn't matter. My post here and in "self-help" show that clearly I had a lot more work to do in areas like empathy, compassion, and understanding. And surely there is the subconscious views of what a relationship "should" be from observing my parents (which is not a healthy way to look at it) and feeling betrayed that all my "sacrifice" didn't amount to anything.

[once removed]

And surely there is the subconscious views of what a relationship "should" be from observing my parents (which is not a healthy way to look at it) and feeling betrayed that all my "sacrifice" didn't amount to anything.

our parents are our earliest and most profound models for how a relationship "should" be, and since theres no such thing as perfect parents or a perfect relationship, some less healthy views or tendencies are bound to pop up. members often make connections with regard to their FOO (family of origin) that inform their process.

i thought i had a pretty good idea of what a healthy relationship looks like, turns out i certainly wasnt living it. this doesnt make us bad people, but that we have room for improvement, which can be empowering. its like the analogy another member offered not long ago - if you signed up for golf lessons you presumably wouldnt expect to start as an expert, and you wouldnt be hurt if your coach told you you needed work on your backswing.

ive always been a fan of this article, it put a lot of things in perspective for me: https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

[roberto516]

ive always been a fan of this article, it put a lot of things in perspective for me: https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

I've read this article before. And I guess this is where I swing back to a more normal pendulum swing. Because as I read it I do see that there were areas of emotional abuse. I don't think I ever got an apology from her that was truly sincere. Usually it only came about after I had apologized for being upset and starting an argument. I know for certain I was afraid to speak my feelings for fear of anger/rejection or the famous "I think we need to take a break." I also see that I allowed boundaries to be violated in many areas. I also realize the jealousy she had of my friends. Always asking me who I was texting. She was jealous of a friend I have who is homosexual and I told her honestly that he'd sometimes try and flirt with me when he was drunk. I just wanted to be open with her. She was jealous if a female co-worker texted me. Early on I had distanced myself from all female acquaintances because I wanted to respect her and let her know that I would never cheat on her. It was a good thing to re-read at this current area of my healing.

Because for this to have ever worked I would have had to have done better as I said in this original post. But she would have had to of done things as well. Things that, honestly, she isn't capable of right now. I accept that. Even if I had given her time to work on herself for a month or so we are more than likely talking about years of self-care and some form of DBT therapy to begin to change those thought processes and behaviors. After every argument I would state what I would do differently. But I'd fall right back into the same old routine because she didn't feel the need/desire to change so we were setting up the same pattern to re-create itself.  

It's all a lot to process. But I spent 2 years after a real damaging relationship working on myself. All I was really doing was taking care of myself, but not delving into any of my relationship patterns. I realize now that by not doing that it allowed all of the stuff to come back and for a partner just like the first to show up. At least now I know that learning about myself also means learning about how I interact with others. Intimate relationship or not. We are all social creatures. And how I interact is a large part of who I am as a person. i truly believe self-care and work involves looking at my relationship dynamics and not just "me time" and "selfish work". If that makes sense? It's what I tried to communicate to her before. I remember telling her that it's perfectly normal to do self-care and understanding while finding out how to improve the relationship, and that just because we both need to work on ourselves doesn't mean we can't do that while in a relationship together. Sorry for the ramble.

[once removed]

i found there was a lot i could improve on my end. my personal conclusion was that it would have made the relationship less stressful for me, and perhaps my ex would have followed my lead. i dont think that the two of us were a good fit, and while i think work would have changed the dynamics, it would not change that. you may arrive at that conclusion, you may not. when we take into account that we mate with our emotional equals, its sort of a chicken and the egg thing; if you had both been in a better place, it would have been a different relationship, you know? and its certainly possible that if one of you had gotten to a better place, the relationship would not have been satisfying in whatever way that it was.

jealous partners are tough. jealousy is something of a preexisting condition, if you will. changing your life to suit it wont change it, and if we cut our loved ones out (a lot of us did this by the way) we wont have support should the relationship run dry.

i truly believe self-care and work involves looking at my relationship dynamics and not just "me time" and "selfish work". If that makes sense?

it does. i suspect you probably learned a bit more in those two years than you might give yourself credit for. i was single for three after having my heart broken, and while my ex was my last serious relationship, im sure i picked up some good stuff along the way. i didnt know what i didnt know, but i do now, and its all progress, really. i suspect one mistake you and i both made was getting into a relationship where we became something of teachers/therapists to our partners. communication is important: we communicate our boundaries, our preferences, our love language, etc. but we cant make someone else into the partner we want them to be, and thats one place where many of us got stuck.