12 days NC

[anna58]

I feel good that I've gotten this far... .12 days. But I admit it's been easier because he hasn't tried to contact me. I didn't respond to his final email 12 days ago, which was raging and blaming me.

My heart sinks that he hasn't wanted to be in touch. I am afraid this is the end. That I will never know a thing about him again, never hear from him. He was central to my life for 7 years; he was my "person" every day, my significant other. I lived with him and he was closest to me. How does it happen that after all that closeness there is nothing? Just silence, loss, death (of the relationship, and someday of us).  This is a bitter pill to swallow.

I have had so many relationships end, never been married or had kids, and I am almost 60. Feeling very sad about the losses. I have not chosen the healthiest men.

Thanks for listening.

[roberto516]

he was my "person" every day, my significant other. I lived with him and he was closest to me. How does it happen that after all that closeness there is nothing? Just silence, loss, death (of the relationship, and someday of us).  This is a bitter pill to swallow.

I relate all too well. It was only 16 months but I experienced all of this. 2 weeks where we were talking while I stayed at my parents and on a Saturday I told her I couldn't come over when she asked me to. The next day I said i could hang out next weekend and she said "I don't want to be in a relationship." that was it. Literally overnight she stopped loving me.

I'm not sure how it happened either. It's certainly a bitter pill to swallow. All I do know is that people on this board have made it and found themselves and real contentment in life again. If that's the case then I have to look to them to see that these feelings we have are normal, and that we will feel better again one day. 

[anna58]

Thank you, Roberto. Very clearly stated. Sigh. 

[HopinAndPrayin]

The next day I said i could hang out next weekend and she said "I don't want to be in a relationship." that was it. Literally overnight she stopped loving me.

Don't know whether this helps or not... .while the pwBPD uses the term "love," it was more about need.  They may believe themselves capable of love, but the reality is prior to recovery (which involves deep commitment to therapy and change and takes months to years of that deep commitment to heal their deep inner wounds) they are not really capable of love as a non experienced it.

So truly, they didn't fall out of love that quickly.  There isn't the attachment like you feel either.  This is not because you are not enough.  It is because until the pwBPD fills their own inner longing and damage, you are an object that fills some need, not a whole human being with needs of your own who needs replciprocated emotional investment.  When the object disappears or is taken away, the pwBPD's need is unmet and because the pwBPD sees life as happening to them, there is a childlike disappointment (or tantrum) about the object failing to be fulfilling.  The whole thing is a cruel game in that the non believes they could have done something to fill that hole and the pwBPD also feels the non disappointed them by failing.  Make no bones about it, even if you put everything in, it will never be enough because BPDs must heal themselves.  It is our job to focus on our own needs and healing.

I share because love, legitimate adult love, does not disappear like that.  You aren't in love one minute then if the person goes to work you fall out of love with them.  If you take a step back and look at love as a see saw, a relationship that may teeter back and forth a bit in terms of who is giving more at any given time, but overall is in balance, what was your pwBPD doing in terms of loving contributions to meet your needs for reliability, unmanipulative affection, kindness, and emotional maturity?

[HopinAndPrayin]

Anna, just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.  We are here for you.

[lovenature]

Hey anna

Sadly it all depends on his emotion of the moment: get too close and your pushed away. Know that you tried to make it work, and in time learn why you stayed and tried so hard.

[anna58]

Thank you to everyone who replied with support and wisdim. I am still NC. He has not tried to contact me. I feel sad. Yet I am also renewing my life and sense of self. Seeing friends more often, getting more work done, and setting up my new apartment. I also went swimming a couple of times last week which I haven't done in years.

The lies and deception are becoming even more clear with time. For example comma he was emailing and very intrigued with a woman at least a year or maybe two before he even met her and I'm sure they were having very romantic types of emails to say the least. All the time he is living next door to me or with me and not listening to any of my boundaries about needing time or space. And blaming me if my mood wasn't good it cetera. He finally went to see her claiming he was going for work which he also was. He got very involved with her live with her for free Etc. He eventually told me about it when he returned and said it was difficult to talk to me about.

Yet to this day he will say how angry he was that the spare room in my apartment was not available because I had a sick friend there for a few months. This was the time he wanted to return all of a sudden and expected it was his room. He had zero understanding of the difference between friendship and romance and boundaries.

The last email was essentially saying we are a couple and therefore should be living together. Then he ranted at me about what was wrong with me.

It is all very upsetting of course and frankly feels like it's my secret because none of my friends are family ask about him or even hint at the fact that this must be a big deal.

Thank you all for being there and understanding.