Difference between feeling and thinking?

[Jester20]

So after a good run we ran into an issue yesterday. He swore at me so I removed myself from situation and didn't spend the rest of the day with him.

Then at about 11pm My husband with BPD  said sometimes he looks at me and feels like he might not be able to be happy with me.

Quite distressing for me... .then he goes off to group therapy this morning

He returns and asks if I want to talk. To which I reply I do

He said he accepts responsibility for his nastiness and I accept his apology.
He also says he knows he is going to be ok and that he needs to work through his issues in therapy over next 2 years and if I am there at the end of it then that would be nice but if I wasn't then he would understand.

So he said for me to have a think and let him know... .  and I tell him it is important he knows that if we decided to separate I would stay living here as this is where I grew up, my job is here. So, I tell him maybe he needs to think about whether he can be happy in this marriage and if not then he would have to think about leaving... .
To which he replies... .well, I'm not thinking about and I don't want to so please do not bring that up again.  ( confused face on me)
So I remind him of what he said last night... .to which he replies ... .yes, that's how I feel sometimes when I look at you... .it's not what I'm thinking about though.

I am very confused... .obviously feeling is an emotion and thinking is something else but you would think that one follows the other?

I feel this and then there is an action that comes from that feeling ( whether right or wrong)
I thought it would be the natural reaction to someone who says they feel they might not be able to find happiness with someone else?
Normally leads to the conclusion of... .will we separate?
Can anyone shed any light... .?
If he isn't thinking that way then why tell me he is feeling that way which will obviously cause me to question our marriage.

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[Alayne]

Oh, that's so hurtful.  I'm sorry that you're going through that kind of whiplash.

The first thing I'd do is take your mental map for "natural reaction" and cut it into a million tiny pieces. It doesn't apply to him, not right now.  I like the folks here who pop up with the expression that feelings equal fact.  "I feel this right now, so it must be true." and later: "I don't feel this right now, so it must not be true."

I can only speak for my BPD husband.  I think he brings up divorce to preempt me leaving him - he's scared and trying to hide by taking control or forcing me to make a decision that stops his hurt.  Sometimes, it seems more manipulative and targeted to hurt/lash out at me.  In either case, I take it VERY seriously and have had boundary-setting conversations during and after about the use of divorce as a threat when he's angry.  It hasn't prevented the behavior but it has helped me stop it in mid-stride.

[Tattered Heart]

That's such a huge step for someone with BPD to be able to understand the difference between thinking and feeling since usually they believe their feelings are their thoughts!

It sounds to me like he was saying that in moments he feels like he can't be happy with you. This is just his emotion speaking. He may be feeling sad or hopeless, but he rationally knows that isn't true and that the feeling will pass.

Let's reverse it:
Your H begins to yell at you and in the moment you feel like, "I don't want to do this anymore. He'll never change. I'm so hurt by him." But in the back of your mind you know that you will continue to stick things out and that you will forgive him and be able to get over your hurt again. That's the difference between feeling and thinking.

[Jester20]

That's such a huge step for someone with BPD to be able to understand the difference between thinking and feeling since usually they believe their feelings are their thoughts!

So, would you say that this is progress then? He has been in therapy nearly a year

[Tattered Heart]

Possibly.

[isilme]

I agree with Tattered - it's a BIG step.

And feelings and thoughts are NOT the same - this is where we often get tripped up as the "nons".  We can try to apply reason and logic to a situation:

You were mean to me when I did nothing wrong and yelled at me so I got mad and needed space, but you felt abandoned and got madder. 

The pwBPD usually acts on FEELINGS:

I felt mad so I yelled at you, and you did not react how I wanted so I felt madder and my feelings determine my reality so if I am mad it must be because you made me mad, so if I hurt your feelings you hurt mine first so I don't care.

So while the statements based on their temporary dysregulated feelings can hurt, knowing they were able to think past them later is a good sign.