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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: You want to see pathetic?  (Read 682 times)
Helplessly
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 88


« on: June 15, 2017, 10:08:41 AM »

The reason they seem to leave so easily comes down to a simple loss of respect and a certain degree of contempt they have developed for you.  There doesn't have to be a diagnosis of any disorder.  If they come into the relationship extremely needy, and you refuse to stick to your guns by letting things develop on a more rational basis, you will eventually begin shoveling coal into her/his seemingly endless furnace.  At first it makes them happy, or SO THEY THINK.  True dialogue between me and my adorable ex:

Christmas of 2015 -

"Thank you so much for making me a part of you family's Christmas!  I have nobody and your daughter has the BIGGEST HEART! Smiling (click to insert in post)  I will cherish the book she gave me forever!  I love you so much T+++!  Please rush straight over to me after work.  I miss you already!"

Christmas of 2016 -

"Ok I'll say it as*&^le.  First of all 6 hours with anybody's family is a LONG TIME!  I have been spending the last 12 years doing holidays with my friends who have no families from MY BAR SCENE and you took me away from that!  And just so you know... .your daughter is a selfish as%^&e JUST LIKE YOU!  LOSE MY NUMBER DICKHEAD!"

That was a tough one to type out because I went back on my knees for more.  Read "on my knees."  I don't even kneel in church.  Stroking her hand balling my eyes out her looking DOWN ON ME!  Only one other person knows about the above exchange.
 
How did we get there?  I'll tell you.  In the beginning (three weeks) she said I was the hardest man to figure out that she's ever met.  She said most of her boyfriends wanted to be with her every minute.  She asked me if I was playing games and I sat down and told her I'm not playing games.  I'm just in no rush.  I just want my next relationship to be my last.  She said thanks, now she knows how to conduct herself when she's out (mild threat).

By now, I was sensing something was very "off" about her.  Things like BPD weren't on my radar.  But for starters, on her bedroom walls were glamour photos of... .herself.  Huge prints.  In her living room were mostly pictures of... .herself.  Some with her best friend others with her cats but they were pics of her.  When we went out she had a habit of invading personal boundaries and attracting a lot of attention.  Dead Winter in Buffalo, NY and it wouldn't be long before a shawl would come off bearing heavily tattooed shoulders, back, and chest.  Every time we went out.  Eyes would turn, and it wasn't long before people (mostly men) would come up and use the tattoos as a conversation point.  Daily, slightly  provocative selfies on Instagram from her office saying good morning with hearts, making tongues wag.

Her response to male attention seeking was funny; "I don't know why this happens to me."   oh my god why wasn't I running?

It was becoming instilled in my head that this was the hottest woman I could ever find and one of the most desired women in the city.  My boundaries were becoming things I was prepared to tweak.

A month into it I was seeing her quite a bit but not as often as she wanted.  She pulled back and tried to end it based on a perceived lack of interest.  I chased her down and got her back.  You know where it goes from there.  All of the stories are the same to a large degree.  She became attached and needy and insanely jealous.  Asked that we remove friends who are a threat to our relationship.  Weird about that... .I felt good that she wanted to do that, but looking back, there honestly were no friends in MY life who were a threat.  I know right from wrong.  Who was lurking in her stall?  Who knows... .no matter.

Hypocritical jealousy started.  Went through every female Twitter follower of mine.  She would say go be with xxxx, she's hotter than me I'll never be enough for you.  My response?  "You are the most beautiful girl in the world!  How do you not know I feel that way?  Christ!  Stop breaking up with me over things that don't exist!"

"Please stop breaking up with me.  All I want is a relationship I can count on!  I'm begging you!  I will never leave you and I think you know that!"

Call her BPD or call her typical... .those very real things I said are not very attractive.  I essentially lost here there.  I was BECOMING HER!  We would fight; she would call her ex-fiancee for advice, knowing it bothered me.  I became ridiculously jealous and she threw it in my face, along with the tiniest little incidents that were residing in her head that she never brought out.  Now I'm "controlling" and "toxic" and "need help."  You bet I did!  I was all of those things.

Over the course of months I fed her endless well of neediness to the point that I lost myself.  There were times when she would dump me and I would remain confident and she would say, "well it sounds like you're fine with this so I guess I'll just move on."  Then I would beg... .

The only time she ever responded was when I raged back and insulted her.  That was usually how I got her attention.  In the beginning she said she doesn't fight in relationships.  Ha ha.  She was a f%^&ing professional insulter.  Her exes... .alcoholics, attempted suicides, overweight, stopped working when she left... .

In the end she didn't have a shred of respect left for me and I left her with a letter telling her she was my hero.  And I would still try again.

I throw this post out as a cautious reminder.  If you want to keep someone like this in your life and you're running out of options, you may want to play the game their way and prepare yourself for a long bumpy road of torment.

I ask myself every day what kind of man would pursue a woman who insults his own daughter, his own flesh and blood.  A cowardly one for sure. 

I'll get responses of "don't be so hard on yourself" I'm sure.  But i may need to dip into some masochistic self whipping.

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Nuitari
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 240


« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2017, 12:28:41 PM »

Wow.  Believe it or not, Helplessly, but there isn't a single sentence in that post that I can't relate to in some way.  When I look back on my behavior, the way I groveled, (telling her that she's the most important thing in my life despite her saying the most hateful and hurtful things to me to my face) I feel so disgusted at myself.  I was always given the impossible task of proving my undying love for her while she showed nothing but blatant disregard for me.  She always leaned on me for emotional support but gave none back, but I just had to do whatever I could to please her and see that her needs were met for fear that my failure to do so would only prove my constant declarations of love wrong in her eyes.  I began to feel drained each and every time she showed up or called me needing to cry on my shoulder about this and that, but lost the will to put a stop to it. She became possessive to the point where it was frightening, and at some point I began to feel like an extension of her.  She not only tried to take my identity away from me but also my right to feel things.  Before she came along, I never would have imagined that I'd let someone do that to me.

I can't tell you to not be hard on yourself without being a hypocrite, because I haven't learned to forgive myself either. Just wanted to say your not alone.  I think many here will tell you that they see much of their own story in your words.

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roberto516
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 782


« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2017, 12:40:29 PM »

Helplessly you can only imagine . I left and was so confident and assured as she spent two weeks telling me "I don't deserve you. Can we try again? Do you miss me? Can we hang out?" And then when I was ready she said "I don't want to be in a relationship. WHAT? I began to beg, get angry, beg, get angry, beg beg beg. Then she finally came back when I had distanced myself from her. Then she left again. What did I do after about 9 days NC? Back to the begging. "You're the love of my life. We are soulmates. Please don't do this. Why can't I get another chance? What did I do that was so wrong? I promise I'll change. I won't be angry anymore" Met with just cold indifference. Some of those phone calls I can now look back and see her almost relishing the attention and begging. I had lost all respect. She wasn't into that. Neither would I.

I'm not proud of any of it. I'm not proud of the begging (I was so self-assured before) and then the anger (I don't say anything close to the direct insults I told her). I just wanted to show you that you aren't alone.

I don't think you're pathetic. I think you truly loved somebody. And this might sound cliche. But it's going to be her loss not having you. Whether she realizes that or not. It's the truth. Chin up my friend.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Mavrik
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Posts: 85


« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2017, 12:45:58 PM »

I can relate to all of this also as it's almost similar to what I experienced.

The controlling was ridiculous levels. She would watch her favourite comedy programmes with me. Not my type of humour and wasn't happy when I didn't find it funny. The clothes I wore the food I ate, me being in Facebook were all an issue for her. And she expected me to change. If I didn't change she'd end the relationship, go out have one night stands then tell me about the sex she had.

It was one painful thing after another but she didn't care.
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heartandwhole
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3591



« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2017, 02:39:08 PM »

But i may need to dip into some masochistic self whipping.

Hi Helplessly,

I don't think you have do some self-whipping, but you are seeing things about yourself right now that are shaking things up. That is part of the process. It's hard and it hurts. It can bring up a lot of anger at ourselves, too.

You can use this energy toward changing your situation. Who IS that man who begged and listened to his partner insult his daughter? What was he getting out of the relationship?

I think most of us have behaved in ways that, looking back, make us cringe. Count me in. Feeling like that can be a motivator for change. How can you use it?

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Mutt
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« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2017, 05:17:25 PM »

Hi Helplessly,

Her response to male attention seeking was funny; "I don't know why this happens to me."   oh my god why wasn't I running?

It was becoming instilled in my head that this was the hottest woman I could ever find and one of the most desired women in the city.  My boundaries were becoming things I was prepared to tweak.

I think that's a good question to ask ourselves, it can get complicated if you're married with kids, you can't just pick up and go, also you get attached, you wouldn't think that a disorder that causes people to have chaotic interpersonal r/s's would teach you about r/s's it does.

Excerpt
"Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward."
— Oscar Wilde

Here's a quote that I like, maybe somebody else will like it too, experience is a difficult teacher for everyone, don't be hard on yourself, if we didn't make mistakes we wouldn't be learning or growing as individuals.

What boundaries did you start tweaking? What would you differently with your boundaries in the future? What are boundaries?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Helplessly
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 88


« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2017, 11:00:51 PM »

No no. I'm not married.  Boundaries?  She was so hot that I gave in on EVERYTHING
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hopealways
aka moving4ward
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 725


« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2017, 11:17:27 PM »

Losing respect for us presumes they can maintain respect for Someone: they cannot. Yes the BPD needs boundaries but there is no person who can maintain those boundaries with a BPD while maintaining a harmonious nurturing relationship.  By definition the BPD cannot maintain a relationship so yes maybe they lost respect for us but once we choose to stay after the first outburst there's no regaining their respect.
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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2017, 10:23:16 AM »

Hi Helplessly,

It sounds to me like you are feeling anger towards your ex and also yourself.  We all have to go through that to get to the other side so do go easy on yourself when you can by treating yourself kindly, whilst accepting and allowing these feelings to happen.  It's just one of the stages and is healthy to experience.  Worst thing we could do is try to bury our feelings or they would come back to haunt us.

Excerpt
I left her with a letter telling her she was my hero.  And I would still try again.

Where are you at now with this?  Do you feel you're in a different place to where you left it at the time?

Excerpt
She was so hot that I gave in on EVERYTHING

I was late in the relationship when I realised I'd let all my personal boundaries slip and I think it is a massive challenge for many of us to hold tight to these.  Ironically I think that maintaining boundaries is one of the most healthy things we can do in a BPD relationship yet it seems to be so difficult for a lot of us.  Have you managed to stick to your boundaries in other relationships in the past or would you say this is something you've always struggled with?

Love and light x


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