Disconnected once again

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all, new here.
Have had the inclination for many years that my mother has BPD, and for a while, when she was seeing a therapist, the BPD outbursts and mood swings seemed to calm down. As of the last year, after 5 or 6 years, it has come back full force.
We had already gone a few months not speaking last Sept., but due to a confrontation re: her manipulation tactics, she has shut me out completely.
This used to not bother me. In fact, I used to enjoy the down time from the ups and downs. Because this ended on such an unpleasant note, I am not feeling good about it. We'll never have the relationship she wants (like i have with my non BPD dad), but i want her in my life. Does anyone think she'll ever come around?

[Imcaptainkirk]

Hi all, new here.
Have had the inclination for many years that my mother has BPD, and for a while, when she was seeing a therapist, the BPD outbursts and mood swings seemed to calm down. As of the last year, after 5 or 6 years, it has come back full force.
We had already gone a few months not speaking last Sept., but due to a confrontation re: her manipulation tactics, she has shut me out completely.
This used to not bother me. In fact, I used to enjoy the down time from the ups and downs. Because this ended on such an unpleasant note, I am not feeling good about it. We'll never have the relationship she wants (like i have with my non BPD dad), but i want her in my life. Does anyone think she'll ever come around?

[Turkish]

Hello captain,

What precipitated this latest event,  and how is she engaging in manipulation tactics?

T

[SpinsC]

Hello, Imcaptainkirk,

I've had an up and down relationship with my uBPD mother for years. We've gone without communicating for various reasons over the years.

The last really bad break we had was because of a huge fight. She called the Sheriff to have my husband thrown out of her apartment because he was reclaiming some of my property. Of course, there was backstory, she had my property as a way to help her out, which backfired. Of course, it was only made worse by her inability to see reality. The Deputy did ask my husband to leave, but allowed him to take my property. It was all very ugly.

I'd recommend thinking really hard about how you want that relationship to work. What will be your boundaries? What will be things you can compromise, without doing damage to yourself? How will you defend your boundaries? Then, when you're pretty sure you've got yourself braced, with plans of action in place if it blows up on you, call her.

Learn about JADE and don't do that! Learn about the three 'C's - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't change it (or her).

She won't ever 'come around' as someone who has no BPD. She'll likely remain jealous of your relationship with your father. She'll likely continue to act out in the ways she as up until now. But, you can still have a relationship with her if you decide that it can be done while you remain safe.

I know my mother responds to breaks in no-contact best when I act as if nothing had gone on before. I just call to check up on her and tell her I love her. How she responds tells me where she's at. I get off the phone quickly if she's sounding bitter or her comments have sharp edges. If she responds by chatting about weather or news, I stay on the line.

You know your mother better than anyone else, including her therapist. You know if she's being sincere or softening you up while she's looking for the next knife-hole. Protect yourself. With all that, you may just be able to form something you can call a relationship with her. It's ok if it doesn't happen. It's ok if it doesn't look like a Hallmark card. It's ok if you are safe and she is safe.