Hey there... .welcome to the forum
I haven't been here long myself, but it's been very helpful, just in terms of feeling "less alone". I try to get on here a few times a week and just read, because just knowing there are others going through similar experiences helps SO much. I hope it helps you too.
I get what you mean by needing to "normalize" the experience. A partner of someone with BPD can end up feeling very isolated and alone for a LOT of reasons. For one thing, the relationship itself can take up a lot of time (especially in the beginning, before either of you have the proper "tools" or knowledge for the job). You can spend hours in circular arguments, and even more hours inside your own head, trying to figure out what the hell is happening to you. At the end of the day, it can leave very little time left for friends or other loved ones. Not to mention the fact that it can also start to feel so confusing inside your own head... .that confusion can definitely make you feel like you're the only one on the planet with a relationship like this.
But I promise you are not
And you are in the right place to start feeling a lot less alone.
Would it help you to hear that my first year with my partner was VERY similar to yours? Eerily similar, in fact. And I want to stop here and Thank You for sharing your story with us. Because it was one of those stories that made ME feel "less alone". I was nodding along the whole time going "yep... .yep... .uh huh."
So let me tell you a few things that have helped me:
1.) The knowledge that my partner's emotions are ALWAYS at a 10, while mine are normally at a 0. When I get stressed, my emotions can go up to 10. But, when my partner gets stressed, her emotions can EXPLODE to 100! Why? Because she's already always at a 10. BPD's ALL share this common trait. It's why their emotions are so "dysregulated". My partner (who has now been in treatment for over a year) often says this: "I am constantly managing my high emotions. ALL. THE. TIME. Even when it looks like I'm calm, I am not. When I look calm, it just means I'm managing them well instead of poorly." That knowledge alone- that her emotions are at a 10, 24/7- has helped me a great deal in terms of being empathetic and validating.
2.) The 6 "lessons" listed to your right on this page. I read through all of them, watched all the videos, and I took notes. Now I have a notebook full of valuable information, which I can access anytime to help me remember how to better navigate this relationship. At first, I had to keep going to the notebook every time a "crisis" arrived. Now, it is starting to come a little more naturally. And the biggest lesson I keep coming back to, time and time again? VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE. If you can grasp that concept and use it properly, it will go a LONG way in solving relationship conflicts. (At least, it has for me).
3.) The knowledge that I have a right to ask for a "time out" when things are getting too heated or too frustrating. For the whole first year of my relationship, I was constantly trying to pull her back when she pushed me away. Through argument, through tears... .(sometimes I even tried grabbing her arm to try and keep her from bolting). It was exhausting. For both of us. And, more importantly, it never made anything better- it only made things worse. It was only about 6 months ago that I finally realized I could just say: "I love you, and I will be here to talk this out if/when you are ready. I promise I will. But I can't talk to you when you're this upset, so I'm going to the other room for an hour or so." Usually, when the hours up, she's calmed down and ready to talk without getting upset. If she's not, we take another hour. We take as many as we have to until she is calm. (Or, until I am calm. Sometimes, she gets calm before I do!
4.) The knowledge that she will ALWAYS "come back" if I give her the proper space and time to work out her emotions. I am still working on this one... .it is a particular hard one for me personally, because I have my own "fear of abandonment", and it gets kicked into high gear every time she "bolts". She has not threatened to leave me, nor has she packed any bags, in over a year. THAT particular threat seems to be gone for good (I give her all the credit for that one- it took her going to DBT classes to get that far). But she still occasionally dysregulates to the point that she just yells, "I'M DONE!" and stomps/runs off like an upset teenager. And I've learned that following her or trying to talk to her in those moments only makes things worse. She may still not be very good at vocalizing it, but when she yells "I'M DONE!" and runs away, that is just her way of saying she needs a "time out" of her own. My biggest fear used to be that she'd just never come back- that's why I always followed her or kept trying to talk things out. But now I'm getting to the point where I'm just like, "**SIGH** okay, she's too upset to talk. No big deal. Now I finally have time to do my nails/do the dishes/take a bubble bath," and I move on with my day. She ALWAYS comes back. And now, every time she comes back, she apologizes and hugs me, and we talk it out calmly.
5.) Setting my own boundaries. Also: following through on the boundaries I have set. Some are what we call "hard limits". Because she DID once pack her bags and leave me, and because the consequences were so high, she knows I will not tolerate another "disappearance". Get mad and yell "I'M DONE" and stomp off all you want, sure. But if she's gone for more than 24 hours, she can expect the locks to be changed when she returns. Other "hard limits": cheating, lying, or asking for any kind of "step back" in our relationship (i.e. now we're engaged/now we're not). Hard limits would result in me ending the relationship in a permanent way and going "no-contact". Then, I have what we call "soft limits". For instance, she can call me the "B" word all she wants, but she better apologize for it once she's realized it's come out of her mouth. Any "soft limit" violation, and I would expect an apology later (and often I would also expect us to talk about how that made me feel, and how she might avoid that behavior in the future). The reason I differentiate between "hard limits" and "soft limits" is because she REALLY needs to know that I don't expect PERFECTION. That is really important, because she is NEVER going to be perfect at this. It will always be a struggle for her, so I have to keep my expectations realistic But, by knowing at all times where I stand in terms of my boundaries, she is learning to respect them- even when she IS dysregulating. And you know what else? It helps me have more respect for myself as well.
Anyway, I hope this site helps you. It has helped me, just by responding to this post
Good luck!
