Boyfriend with BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I suspect very strongly that my boyfriend (40 years old) of 18 months has BPD.  My therapist suggested it and he definitely displays almost all of the traits. Up until now, I thought the emotional outbursts, rages, abandonment issues, moodswings, I love you/I hate you, etc were because of his alcohol abuse. I know he had alot of childhood and teenage upheaval with sexual abuse, divorces and being shuffled around, substance abuse (drugs and alcohol) by father and physical abuse. He is so kind, passionate, sweet, loving and tries so hard but we cannot go more than 48 hours before his mind is racing and taking him to dark places where I am cheating, untrustworthy and he is always the victim. I cannot walk on eggshells anymore. I have left him before and asked him to please get help for the alcohol abuse as well as emotional issues. It is difficult to stay away because he is very charming and promises to get help but does not stick with it. Help. I don't like hurting him but I have left after his last outburst and am trying to stay away until he tries to do the work needed for us to have a healthy relationship.

[AnnieB]

I suspect very strongly that my boyfriend (40 years old) of 18 months has BPD.  My therapist suggested it and he definitely displays almost all of the traits. Up until now, I thought the emotional outbursts, rages, abandonment issues, moodswings, I love you/I hate you, etc were because of his alcohol abuse. I know he had alot of childhood and teenage upheaval with sexual abuse, divorces and being shuffled around, substance abuse (drugs and alcohol) by father and physical abuse. He is so kind, passionate, sweet, loving and tries so hard but we cannot go more than 48 hours before his mind is racing and taking him to dark places where I am cheating, untrustworthy and he is always the victim. I cannot walk on eggshells anymore. I have left him before and asked him to please get help for the alcohol abuse as well as emotional issues. It is difficult to stay away because he is very charming and promises to get help but does not stick with it. Help. I don't like hurting him but I have left after his last outburst and am trying to stay away until he tries to do the work needed for us to have a healthy relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AnnieB, Welcome!  Many of us have been down this path before you, so you are not alone.  When you say you are staying away "until he tries to do the work needed," what do you mean by that?  I'm asking this question because I think it helps to have specific goals and boundaries in mind when evaluating a BPD r/s.  Are you willing to stay away if he doesn't "do the work"?  What would you like to see happen?  Fill us in, when you can, and let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim