I'm so lost. The results of my Court date was a disaster and left me in fear.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello All,

Well, I'm extremely depressed as I writing this post.  Since October of 2016, I've found this site and have receive several replies to my struggles with a uBPDw or soon to be ex; however I come to you all for some sort of reason or answer to what occurred on Thursday.  I lost my Family Law Case.  I Lost my time with my children (B6 B8) both have autism (mild).  Originally, we went to mediation and I received a 50/50 recommendation and I was happy about but also worried to find child care but I reached out to my family and got the support need plus my job was open to adjusting my work hours for this.  On that court date , I was nervous but calm though if anything I would have to pay more money to her but having my boys 50 percent of the time was fair. yeah that ended in misery when the Court (commissioner) order that I get them every other weekend and have a Tuesday and Thursday dinner night with them only. I also have to pay her 3100 per month. ( I cant afford that- Im going to die)  THAT JUST BROKE MY Heart.  I've been a hands on dad every since they were born. Feed them, gave them baths, read to them. I love them with my whole heart. I always took them to their dr appointment, other special appointment and fun places like the park, aquarium, train ride.  I was in shock.  Since June of 2016, my UBPDw has been with another man, everyday and every opportunity would lash out at me call me stupid, pathetic, you are a negative person, no one will care or love you and demand for the divorce. So when I filed in October 2016, She flipped out again and that week  I will never forget everyday got worst and worst. 

Well, It's the worst.  I really know and understand what people say "I'm in a dark place" ... .cause i'm in that dark place right now.  My kids are my life and knowing she see them as not children but objects.  I'm afraid they will not get the care they deserve and with me getting them only part time. I feel so helpless.  Please if any of you have a suggestion, I will be so happy to receive them.   I believe the shock of this ruling is still affecting me for I did not sleep the night before and got only a few hours this morning.  I'm a good father who wants to be there for his boys. WHY WOULD A COURT RULE THAT WAY?
My attorney told me she was luck because she was a stay home mother  who has never work since we got engaged.  So I ask all of you is IF YOU DO THE RIGHT THING , HAVE THE MOTHER STAY HOME AND YOU DIVORCE YOU ALSO GET Penalize for life... .Well this is my life now. oh yeah, Thursday night and all day Friday was a non stop gloating fest from her.  she was telling me how a 50/50 custody schedule was not proper for the boys, how pathetic my attorney was and how she knew she would get everything.  She's now controlling again. Telling me how things will be done and I'm that door mat and punch bag.

its funny I though when you confront and build boundaries on a BPD person they will back off but NO that not my STBxW.  Oh plus she threaten me she get what she want through the kids.  I feel so helpless now

Please Help.

[tmarshal2016]

Hello All,

Well, I'm extremely depressed as I writing this post.  Since October of 2016, I've found this site and have receive several replies to my struggles with a uBPDw or soon to be ex; however I come to you all for some sort of reason or answer to what occurred on Thursday.  I lost my Family Law Case.  I Lost my time with my children (B6 B8) both have autism (mild).  Originally, we went to mediation and I received a 50/50 recommendation and I was happy about but also worried to find child care but I reached out to my family and got the support need plus my job was open to adjusting my work hours for this.  On that court date , I was nervous but calm though if anything I would have to pay more money to her but having my boys 50 percent of the time was fair. yeah that ended in misery when the Court (commissioner) order that I get them every other weekend and have a Tuesday and Thursday dinner night with them only. I also have to pay her 3100 per month. ( I cant afford that- Im going to die)  THAT JUST BROKE MY Heart.  I've been a hands on dad every since they were born. Feed them, gave them baths, read to them. I love them with my whole heart. I always took them to their dr appointment, other special appointment and fun places like the park, aquarium, train ride.  I was in shock.  Since June of 2016, my UBPDw has been with another man, everyday and every opportunity would lash out at me call me stupid, pathetic, you are a negative person, no one will care or love you and demand for the divorce. So when I filed in October 2016, She flipped out again and that week  I will never forget everyday got worst and worst. 

Well, It's the worst.  I really know and understand what people say "I'm in a dark place" ... .cause i'm in that dark place right now.  My kids are my life and knowing she see them as not children but objects.  I'm afraid they will not get the care they deserve and with me getting them only part time. I feel so helpless.  Please if any of you have a suggestion, I will be so happy to receive them.   I believe the shock of this ruling is still affecting me for I did not sleep the night before and got only a few hours this morning.  I'm a good father who wants to be there for his boys. WHY WOULD A COURT RULE THAT WAY?
My attorney told me she was luck because she was a stay home mother  who has never work since we got engaged.  So I ask all of you is IF YOU DO THE RIGHT THING , HAVE THE MOTHER STAY HOME AND YOU DIVORCE YOU ALSO GET Penalize for life... .Well this is my life now. oh yeah, Thursday night and all day Friday was a non stop gloating fest from her.  she was telling me how a 50/50 custody schedule was not proper for the boys, how pathetic my attorney was and how she knew she would get everything.  She's now controlling again. Telling me how things will be done and I'm that door mat and punch bag.

its funny I though when you confront and build boundaries on a BPD person they will back off but NO that not my STBxW.  Oh plus she threaten me she get what she want through the kids.  I feel so helpless now

Please Help.

[ForeverDad]

I'm so sorry to hear this.  Is this a temporary order to be effective during the divorce process?

I'm asking because that's what happened to me.  And many others here.  She was facing a Threat of DV charge in municipal court yet domestic court only cared about our work schedules.  Since I worked a regular 5 day week and she claimed to "work from home".  That didn't make any sense since the other court had given me possession of our home while they handled the DV case.  She wanted me to live with supervised visitation but CPS stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me.  But the magistrate ordered alternate weekends and a 3 hour evening in between.  Not fair as I saw it, I was sure I had basis for a better schedule but I was stuck with alternate weekends throughout the two year divorce.  Then again, it's a judicial system, not a justice system.  The court's own social worker's parenting investigation recommended I get more time.  Nothing happened.  The custody evaluator's initial report discussed by the lawyers and the main judge recommended, "Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody."  Nothing happened.  We settled on Trial Day (I learned later that her lawyer told her she would lose) and I moved up to equal time once our divorce was final.

If you can, provide enough documentation why the order needs to be adjusted.  In my case it was clear no one was willing to change my temp orders, not even my lawyer.  Maybe they expected the temporary order to be brief and temporary?  I recall my lawyer estimated a divorce with children at 7-9 months.  My divorce took 23.5 months from filing to final decree.  Does your lawyer know that a temporary order will be in effect much longer than he expects?

[AnuDay]

I am in no position to help.  It sounds like youre in deep pain so i will suggest that you record the threats and how she will use the kids.  Get statements from the kids how they want to live with you.  Find some way to set your ex wife up.  Dont stand up for this abuse.  Sounds like youve been heavily abused.  There has to be a solution.  Have to come up with a plan for the next court date and get a new attorney.

Also read Stop Walking on Eggshells.
The BPD women frequently use the kids to manipulate us.  Fortunately as much as I love my daughters Im only going so far and their BPD mom knows this plus she cant stand having the kids for 8 hours a day let alone 24. 

[Sluggo]

So sorry to hear this tmarshal,

I am in the weeds of all this now.  I relate to what you say as being an involved Dad.  I am.  I love being one. I don't think my wife really likes being a mom. 

However, we are going on 16 months since I filed.  I have 2 special need kids with mobility needs and one also has a trache and on a vent at night.  My wife has always been a stay at home mom.  We have 7 children.  She does not have a college degree.  She has only held a job for 2 months.  She is not a native speaker although has learned English very well over the last 18 years.  She loads the kids up with doctor appointments.  This week she had 20 doctor visits (chiro, allergist, speech therapist, dermatologist, physical therapist, nutritionist)- 20 is not an exaggerated number that is correct.   This is her strategy for the court is to show I cannot take care of them medically.  She told the court- or her lawyer told the court- that the children had 351 appointments from Jan - May.  Lawyer asked me how many I went to.  I looked at the list and some appointments were for them to go to church group, etc.  But I would be more concerned with the number of appointments the kids go to.  That is nuts. 

My 3rd day of a final hearing is set for later this month.  I am afraid as I have spent a little less than 100K so far in this, that I will get the minimum. 

The best money I spent was for the custody eval.  It was 20K.  It showed that I should have 50/50 and if wife kept with alienating behaviors that I should get full custody.  Court appointed evaluator even said she was inflicting emotional abuse on the kids.  I hope judge reads the report.  It was 76 pages long.  If anything it did for me, was help me feel vindicated.  It stated... Yes I am a good parent, yes my wife does have a personality disorder, yes my actions were to minimize conflict in marriage, yes my wifes behavior with the personality disorder will probably never change, yes my wife distorts reality and uses emotions to create facts or distort facts, etc.  I felt yes I was a good person despite the years my wife calling me a loser, nobody respects you, not even the dog will listen to you, etc. 

I would encourage if possible a custody eval if possible. 

[ForeverDad]

Many here have sought Custody Evaluations.  The results have been varied, ranging from horrendous to validating.  They're also one of the more expensive steps in a high conflict divorce and take at least a few months and often much longer.  (An extreme example is one member here, Thunderstruck, has been waiting over 2 years for her CE to provide a report!)  To lower the risk of a poor CE report, you need to be proactive, you can't ask for one and then sit back.  You can't wait for surprises and then try to fix the mistakes.  You need solid and appropriate proactive strategies.  Here is a quote with some basics, starting with stacking the deck with good cards, er, evaluators.

How to get a good CE?  Better phrased, How do you ensure the ex doesn't choose a poor CE?  One approach described here that has worked for many is for you or your lawyer to research and make a short list of solid evaluators, then have the ex or ex's lawyer to select from that vetted list.  Court will like that since it lets both sides have a part in the selection.  But of course the key is to limit the choices to the better CEs, something you can do as a part of your strategies for success (or at least limit the downsides).

[Sluggo]

I would back what Forever Dad is sayng on the custody evaluator.  My lawyer said that the one I got (which was the strike out system) was one that had a very good reputation.  Yes it did take 7 months, and yes it was expensive 20k.   Yes, I spent countless hours responding to accusations my wife made that I presented to the CE.  I would say easily over a 100 hours. 

So it could have gone in the wrong direction given the wrong CE was doing the report. 

[snazzyjazz]

My STRONGEST suggestion is to get your hands on the book "Splitting: Protecting yourself while divorcing someone with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder"! It is FULL of tips and contingency plans and things to consider before biting the bullet; it has really helped my boyfriend and I deal with his uBPDx & biomom of his 6yo daughter. She was hell on wheels to get custody from, and she spent the last 3 years not living up to their 50/50 court agreement. After a new court case that just settled from the fall, she is respecting their 50/50 now, but that did not start nor end the way it should have with any normal person... .Anyway. Get the book, read it; it's easy reading and it will help you so much. After that, read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" - really helpful insight into the world of BPD to help you detach yourself emotionally from her attacks and understand that it's not you, she's sick, and you don't have to be miserable for the rest of your life. Good luck!

[tmarshal2016]

Thank you all for your responses.  Truth be told Emotionally I'm a wreck.  I don't understand the ruling from the court.  All I want was 50% custody of my children and unfortunately to get that custody evaluation will cost me a lot of money that I do not have.  I've come to the point to go to my STBxBPW and ask her for more time with the kids and the look on her face was mean and very demeaning. She went off on how my attorney was pathetic and ridiculous to ask for 50/ 50 custody in the form of a 2/2/3 schedule and that she has the CONTROL now.  I like I'm walking on eggshell and will always be walking on egg shell for the rest of my life.  She WON. I really feel that I'm so alone on this and no one will every understand and could ever relate.  I understand we all have our reason for divorcing and each divorce is unique but divorcing a BPD person and have two children with special need is so HARD.  I wish that on NO ONE.  I love my kids.  I want the best for them but no one believes me especially the court.  When I questioned my attorney about the outcome, he became defensive and told "IT IS WHAT IT IS" ( I hate that saying).  I feel I want to fire my attorney and hire another but I don't have the funds to do this.  Again im so lost in what I can do.  Any comments are welcome.  Again thank you all for reading my post

[GaGrl]

One quite that often comes up here is... .

"It's a marathon, not a sprint."

In other words, keep your eye on the long game, not the short.

How well does your STBX handle special needs children on he f own, for how many days at a time? Is there a probability that she will start ask i ng you to keep them more than what the court has awarded? This is why a calendar is critical - how many hours each day? What activities each day? What appointments each week and me nth?

When the next opportunity presents itself, you'll be prepared.

[Sluggo]

tmarshal,

She WON. I really feel that I'm so alone on this and no one will every understand and could ever relate.

You are not alone.  I do understand.  I do relate.  It sucks.  It horrible feeling.  I feel helpless too.  It is hard for people to understand.  Sometimes, It seems like the world moves around me like water in a stream going around a rock. 

I agree it is not a sprint but a marathon (ultra marathon).  There are so many painful nights.  It does get better.  The nights of depression are not as frequent now as they were 16 months ago.  Matter of fact they don't get triggered that often but they still do.

I did find comfort in watching 'Ryan Thomas Speaks' on you tube.  He is a child of alienation.  It in someways helped me realize that I was not alone. 
I also found consolation in the book Foundations and you tube videos by Dr. Craig Childress.  It helped me intellectualize and understand the pathology at play and why my wife would do such a thing of keeping our children away from their father. 

Even this weekend of Father's day she is trying to prevent me from seeing them and allowing them to spend the night.  I agreed to a very horrible temp order because 2 of my kids are special needs... and my wife argues that it does not include holidays.    She is trying to keep them away this weekend.  What mother would do that to a child.  As an emotionally available father, why keep the kids away.  Dr. Childress has helped me understand the pathology

[Herodias]

 I would slow the whole thing down… I think in time she will get tired of them and you will end up taking care of them more. Right now she has "won" in her mind. Let her -  start keeping notes in a journal of all your interactions and how well she handles this. You will be surprised how fast they end up with you. Don't let her know how much it is bothering you. This isn't over- she is going to want to be with her boyfriend too. Don't be so depressed. I know the courts and lawyers stink! They are grinding me down to a pulp too. We need to get smarter and look out for ourselves. Let it be a couple months, then go back.  Check with your lawyer about it it. Why keep spinning your wheels right now. The time will come and it will be fine. The main thing is to not let them only learn from a pwBPD, teach them right and wrong. Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

Seeking equal parenting time is not unreasonable.  What is unreasonable is her so entitled to claim she has control.  Before the court stepped in she did have control of sorts.  But things are different with the court being The Real Authority.  What it says goes.  Yes, right now it's not starting well.  Frankly, it didn't go well for most of us, at the beginning.  I myself started out with alternate weekends and a 3 hour evening in between in our TPOs.  In a few months they were withdrawn (hers) or dismissed (mine).  So I had to file for divorce once I realized, no surprise, she didn't want to reconcile.  The divorce temp order just reset us to the same schedule as before.  I had to suffer with alternate weekends for over two years.  But I made it though the divorce and moved up to equal time.

My point is that most of us felt hopeless with lousy starts in court... .until it got better.  Odds are your situation will get better eventually.  How soon, no one can predict.  But you can help it along by documenting (1) the extra time you get and (2) her various poor parenting behaviors.

[david]

My ex ran away with our boys in 2007. I had SS's, her kids from first marriage, testify that I was the better parent. I got EOW and one dinner night a week. It was not easy back then.
 
I took the marathon approach and documented everything I could. My main strategy was their school work. They did over 95 % when they were with me. I filed in late 2008 for change of circumstances. My ex legally dragged things until out late 2010.  I copied every homework during those years with my signature and date on each. Ex noticed my signature early on and signed the few done at her place without realizing how she was helping. I summarized the pile on one sheet of paper. The pile was placed on the judges bench as evidence. You need three of everything for evidence to be introduced as such. It is a process and judges and attorneys don't like it because it takes time. The judge asked if ex agreed with the top sheet. If she said yes then just that sheet would be introduced as evidence. If she said no we had to go through each individual piece of paper. She was smart enough to realize to agree. 1) Introduced evidence carries more weight than verbal testimony and 2) judges decisions MUST be based on evidence. I got the exact schedule I was seeking that time since ex had nothing to offer.

Stay focused on your kids and document until you figure out a course of action. Our boys figured out who was on their side and who was not.

[AnuDay]

You MUST find strength my friend.  I understand that you have been beaten down and are getting beaten down even more.  But you MUST keep moving.  Life is not about 1 day or 1 week.  You don't know what's around the corner.  You don't know what will happen next month.  Humans are remarkably good at adapting.  I don't know about religion, but perhaps praying will help.  Pray that things will work out, pray for vision, pray for strength.  Everything has to work out a certain way.  If the courts ruling is truly unjustified, keep plugging away and it will be reversed or modified.  Research and Read from the wealth of knowledge and experience on this site. 

[insideout77]

My friend, you got to hang on and work on self care!   Walks, runs, travel, friends etc... .

If you want your kids to have a dad, the dad must make sure he is healthy emotionally.  As frustrating as it is and your lawyer may be emotionless,  remember you can't control what happens in your life sometimes, but you CAN control your response to it.

This is simply round 1 and many disordered women actually win round one b/c the courts simply have no way of knowing who is right. so they went with the safe option and gave the kids to the stay at home mom. But as everyone is pointing it, this is only the beginning and if you take a deep breath and make use of the extra time you have to become a better and more healthy person, you will have the energy to fight back hard and win in the end.

She has shown you her true colors already by telling you that she has control. That proves to you that this is all it ever was about. She has zero interest in the kids and only wants them for control. If you have patience and bid your time, you will be able to turn the tables and get your time with your kids. Your kids need you and the only way you can be there for them now is thought not falling apart and thinking long game!

Yes you may need a better lawyer and you can interview some new ones, read the books you need to read and plan a strategy to win. IF you could, I strongly suggest that you cut off all communication with her and resort to Our Family Wizard. It will enable you to have some space and get her out of your head. She is playing mind games with you and you have to get as far away from as possible. Do not grovel and beg her for time, she will use it against and you and play to the end. These people have no emotions and control and protecting their own self is the only thing they care about. The second you get in the way they will discard.

hugs!

[LightnessOfBeing]

tmarshal2016, I'm sorry you're going through this. What is happening to you is incredibly unfair.

It's true that most people won't ever understand how different being with or divorcing a pwBPD is - but we do. We know exactly what it's like to live with a spouse with BPD, and to split from them, and all their vicious behaviors. You might feel alone, but you aren't - we're all right there with you, we've all been through this living hell. It's hard not to be believed, I know. But you know the truth.

You won't be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life; there is a future of happiness and emotional well-being out there for you. You can survive this. Go one day at a time. Although moving out of the house will mean the painful point of moving away from your children, it will also mean escape from your wife's emotional abuse. Distance and No/Low Contact with Borderlines and Narcissists are a core part of healing in the aftermath. Hang in there 

[Sluggo]

Here is what helped me to get healthy... .   I did not realize how skewed I became.  Here is what I have done...  


I get through it by: 

1.  I have a therapist I was going to weekly and now go to every other week.
2.  I go to confession once a month (my religion is Catholicism). 
3.  I started exercising (boxing).  I had not exercised in 25 years... .  I was fit but just did not exercise.  I did it for that good feeling afterwards.
4.  I started taking wellibutrin and proxac.  I am now in the process of coming off it.
5.  I started rekindling the relationships with other guys that I let slide over the years.  I really liked talking to my guy friends who knew me prior to marriage.  They could tell I had changed a lot.   It was about after 6 months one of them said, you are starting to seem like your old self. 
6.  I went to a divorce retreat through our Church.  It was a 6 week program but there are other weekend programs - This was very important step for me. 
7.  Talking to other friends who will just let me unload and not judge or try to fix it. 
8.  This board has helped a lot. 
9.  Allow myself to grieve and understand that I will jump through the steps.  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  I jumped around in these steps.  The one I had the hardest time realizing I was in was denial.  I never never wanted to divorce
10.  FORGIVE MYSELF.

[Stolen]

   She is trying to keep them away this weekend.  What mother would do that to a child.  As an emotionally available father, why keep the kids away.  Dr. Childress has helped me understand the pathology

What mother? What parent? Who would/could do that?  Karen Woodall had an excellent couple of paragraphs on this very topic, I'll just paste them in - they resounded with me, last Sunday was the 5th Father's Day I have not seen nor heard from my daughters.

"Who would want to tear open the cocoon of security and safety in which a child lives?  Those who were harmed themselves in childhood perhaps, for whom the sight and experience of the unconscious child triggers rage and fury.  Those whose own unresolved issues mean that their child becomes the salve to the supperating wound. And those for whom children are simply an extension of themselves, those without boundaries, whose sense of self did not develop and who therefore are unable to assist another human being to achieve what they did not achieve.  All of these psychological profiles drive people to destroy a child’s right to safety and peace.  All of these psychological profiles are seen in alienating parents.

The deliberate deprivation of a child of a once loved parent is a harmful act which removes the child’s right to sovereignty. It is child abuse.  The unconscious alienation of a child by an unwell parent who is attempting to resolve childhood issues through the use of their own child, is a harmful act which removes the child’s right to sovereignty. It is child abuse. And abuse is something which children must be protected from without question."

[Sluggo]

GREAT Quote Stolen!