Help please in setting boundaries with potential BPD mother/grandmother

[Aifos]

Hi. 

I have been reading about BPD and it seems to explain a lot of my mother's - and grandmother's - behaviour.  Neither have had an official diagnosis.  But I would appreciate your views about whether their behaviour sounds like BPD.

My grandmother is now in a nursing home and for the first time this year I have refused to see her.  This has caused my mother to state that I am terrible. 

As a child, my grandmother was angry and prone to violence, demanded constant entertainment, had quicksilver changes of mood and would always complain about being lonely.  She was also prone to act impulsively, selling houses, or travelling at a whim.  She had multiple and unstable relationships.  She could be quite charming at times (particularly to strangers).  My mother acknowledges none of the impact of these things upon anyone in the family.

My mother is different.  She also has the quicksilver changes of mood, going from angry to depressed and crying or happy on a single day.  She always complains about being lonely or feeling abandoned, including whenever I leave after visiting.  At times she has said she is suicidal.  She is chronically bored.  She blames others when something goes wrong - usually me - without accepting that things are ever her fault.  She finds it hard to empathise with others. She splits, thinking that one of her son-in-laws is all good, whereas the other is all bad.  She does the same with her grandchildren.  But she has remained married to my father all her life and has a good career.

Examples of previous behaviour by my mother/grandmother
-My grandmother called my father's school when I was a child.  My father was a teacher.  My grandmother pretended to be a parent of a child at school and accused my father of sexually assaulting the child.
-My grandmother called my other grandmother (ie, my father's mother) pretending that one of her sons was dead to give her a shock.  My other grandmother had previously had a stroke.  I think that the intention was to give my grandmother another stroke, as my parents were fighting and each grandparent had taken the side of their son/daughter.
-My mother gave my grandmother an object of mine after I had moved out of home (and without asking me).  This object was a photo frame that was given to me as a gift by a friend.  When I saw the photo frame in my grandmother's house, I asked for it back.  My grandmother destroyed the frame and then pretended it was an accident.  My mother supported my grandmother.
-My son (age 9) took an object from my parents' house without asking.  It was a silver toy sword that belonged to my brother.  I told me parents and brother and made my son write an email to my brother apologising.  My brother accepted the apology.  I also confiscated the toy sword and promised to return it when we next visited.  Many months later, my mother decided she would not call my son for his birthday (or send a card or present) because she was so furious with him (but did not tell me until my son's birthday).  It was only when I intervened and got my son on the phone to apologise to my mother that she actually wished him a happy birthday.
-If my mother gives me a gift, it is normally something I do not want and that she has not asked me about.  If I do not accept it unconditionally, she calls me 'selfish' and 'fussy.' She does the same to my sister.
-My mother and father used to have significant fights when I was growing up.  This included throwing things at each other.  My grandmother also used to break and destroy things.  I was often used as a counsellor between my parents, with each of them telling me things about the other.  When I was 12, I asked them to stop as I found it too hard.  My father agreed and now only complains to me about my grandmother.  My mother found it very hard and said I was being selfish.  She even confided to me about an affair she was having.  Fortunately the confiding has stopped.   

I am finding it very hard at the moment, having just been to stay with my parents for a week.  I find myself upset and angry all the time about my mother and grandmother.  It particularly upsets me because my mother has always put my grandmother's interests above mine.  She doesn't recognise the impact that has had on me.  I also am getting sick of being blamed when things go wrong - from the minor (eg, burning potatoes in the oven) - to the major (eg, a tax liability).

I am also worried that I might be at risk of BPD. In the past, I have had episodes of self-harm (cutting) and bullimia.  I also sometimes blame others.  Sometimes I break objects when I am really upset.  This happened on the weekend.  I don't want to be like my mother and grandmother.  I also want to be the best mum for my children.

Please help.

[Roselily]

Aifos thanks for sharing! That was a very brave
move   So be proud of yourself. BPD  can most definitely be genetic, I personally urge you to visit psychology today site where you can locate a therapist there, look at their experience helping people that are specialize  for BPD treatments and find out soon! Shoot! go for it! I sure would want to know ... hope that helps!

[Aifos]

Thanks Aldactone.  I think you are right. 

Aifos thanks for sharing! That was a very brave
move   So be proud of yourself. BPD  can most definitely be genetic, I personally urge you to visit psychology today site where you can locate a therapist there, look at their experience helping people that are specialize  for BPD treatments and find out soon! Shoot! go for it! I sure would want to know ... hope that helps!

[Notwendy]

I know it is scary to think we might have BPD because our mothers have it.

Yes, there is a genetic component, but there also is a learned behavior component- our BPD mothers were our role models. In addition, there are emotional issues growing up with a BPD parent and the general family dysfunction.

The good news!- these learned behaviors and emotional responses can be changed!   It can take some work, but it is so worth it to replace old behaviors with new ones.

One reason we adopted these  behaviors in the first place- is that- we are able to learn new behaviors! As kids, we had to learn to survive in our families- and if our families were dysfunctional- then we learned behaviors that were "functional" in our families.

None of us are qualified to decide if someone has BPD or not, and especially not by their posts- but one very positive sign in your post is your willingness to seek help to be a better person and a better mom. PwBPD tend to blame others for their issues. Seeking help is a positive sign- and shows that you are willing to work on yourself.  Therapy and self work requires self motivation- and you have it.

Many of us have had counseling to deal with family issues and the learned behaviors from growing up in a dysfunctional family- and it can help- so I encourage you to pursue this for you- and to be hopeful!

[Rock Chick]

I'm not a doctor (like others have said about themselves and forum members) but I think its very possible that both your mother and grandmother suffer from BPD. They sound a lot like my bfs malignant BPD 54 yr old mother. I sometimes worry that if my bf and I had kids esp girls that they would end up having BPD as well. However Ive read and if I understood what I read correctly its not just genetics that play a part in developing BPD etc. Its also environment etc. Although it may be hard at beginning for us NonPDs to set boundaries we have to at least try to and try to stick with them. Although our BPDs dont make it easy and they dont respect our boundaries although yes the boundaries are for us. There is many helpful posts here on the forum and site that can help you with boundaries if you need that. I wish you all the best. Hugs and Welcome to the forum.

[Notwendy]

Yes, this is a lay board, but I agree that the genetics is not 100%. Family dysfunction tends to be multigenerational for a number of reasons. The group, Adult Children of Alcoholics discusses how children of alcoholics can learn some behaviors of their parents without ever having a drink. ( but learned behaviors can be unlearned). We also know that there can be a genetic tendency towards alcoholism too- but not all children of alcoholics are alcoholics.

Same with BPD. We learn dysfunctional behaviors to survive growing up in a family with dysfunction. Then, there is genetic tendency too- so some children of BPD parents ( like alcoholics) may also have BPD. But not all do.

Also, there are some parents who don't have BPD who have children who do. How this happens- we don't know. Genetics can be a mystery.

The decision to have children is personal, but it isn't a given that if there is a family member with BPD that the children will have it too.

Probably the best way to deal with family dysfunction- now or possible future is to work on our own issues and learn better relationship skills to best deal with all our family members.

It's tough having a mother with BPD. It's also tough being a person with BPD. Your mother had two tough situations. That isn't your responsibility- you are not obligated ( nor can you) fix this. But it may help for you to understand her situation. Your task is to take care of you!