New Phone

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’m in floods of tears and truly hurting today all because I’ve decided it’s time to get a new phone. Every time I hear from my ex, the occasional text or peep into his life on WhatsApp, it drags me down and causes me pain. I can pretend it doesn't, pretend I’m ok with it, and sometimes I can cope with it, but underneath it all I’m not indifferent to what is going on in his life. I care and when I’m feeling down it hits me. I'm feeling lonely today, and it's painful, but nothing's going to change unless I change it.

[Larmoyant]

I’m in floods of tears and truly hurting today all because I’ve decided it’s time to get a new phone. Every time I hear from my ex, the occasional text or peep into his life on WhatsApp, it drags me down and causes me pain. I can pretend it doesn't, pretend I’m ok with it, and sometimes I can cope with it, but underneath it all I’m not indifferent to what is going on in his life. I care and when I’m feeling down it hits me. I'm feeling lonely today, and it's painful, but nothing's going to change unless I change it.

[Zemmma]

Larmoyant,
I am so sorry. Exact same boat.

Its been a week since I told him to never contact me again by any means and he has fully disappeared.

I still track his waking hours on What's App which is completely ridiculous and obsessive. It's the last glimpse into his life. I don't dare look at his f/b page. Once I erase What's App the only thing I could do is bump into him in this huge city. Which may never happen.

The different levels of "it's really over" are hitting me as I go. I can not explain the emptiness he has left in his wake... knowing too that when we started, my ex of almost 3 decades (who was split from me) was still living in my house. I am truly alone now, and there is too much unwanted space in my life. On top of all my responsibilities and stressors... I don't have that relief of a loving man to look forward to. I am alone and wondering what will make me feel fulfilled again... ?

[GuySmiley]

I’m in floods of tears and truly hurting today all because I’ve decided it’s time to get a new phone. Every time I hear from my ex, the occasional text or peep into his life on WhatsApp, it drags me down and causes me pain. I can pretend it doesn't, pretend I’m ok with it, and sometimes I can cope with it, but underneath it all I’m not indifferent to what is going on in his life. I care and when I’m feeling down it hits me. I'm feeling lonely today, and it's painful, but nothing's going to change unless I change it.

Congratulations. I think this is the first time on these boards where I've read someone has changed their phone. Not made empty gestures like blocking or deleting numbers etc (because numbers can always be unblocked etc), but made a real, proper and extremely hard decision to make a real change for themselves.

Well done, you should be proud of yourself.

[chillamom]

Larmoyant,

That was a brave, bold move.  Good for you for recognizing how much even a minimal "look" into his life makes you feel and taking definitive action to make sure it doesn't happen again.  I wish I had that courage, and hope someday maybe I will, because I understand how even a particle of information or contact can send you reeling. I'm envisioning facing the same decision in the future, I can understand how much it hurts, but damn, you're STRONG and walking the talk by putting YOUR feelings first!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Larmoyant,

This is a very brave and inspiring step to take.  I applaud and admire you.  I feel that when I am ready (more to tackle the task of notifying countless services and contacts of my number change than anything else) it is a step I too will make.  I hope it gives you the emotional freedom and relief you desire.  Undoubtedly it will be hard, as are all worthwhile things we achieve in life.  Feel proud of yourself for doing it.

Love and light x

[JQ]

Hello Larm, 

I echo what others are saying in that it took a lot of courage & strength to finally change your number.     

It's been a couple of minutes since we last "chatted" but you've now taken another step on your journey to get to the other side of the BPD canyon. But please do another thing for yourself ... .Please let go of ANY guilt that you might have on this BPDr/s. It is NOT your guilt to hold on too~!  Do NOT beat yourself up for things that are beyond your control to change or fix~! Let go of the could of's, the should of's, the would of's~!  Let it go ... .let it all go. What good would it do for you to hold on to any of it?

Please give yourself a hug ! You can't fix a BPD broken brain ... .it's impossible. This isn't on you ... .I know it hurts ... .I know you see this high mountain in front of you on your journey ... .but as you said, "Nothing is going to change unless I change it."  THIS IS A HUGE STEP ON YOUR JOURNEY ! 

You know what else ... .look behind you ... .do you see the group applauding you & your courage, your strength?  Lead the way Larm~! The group is right behind you all the way~! We have your back~! One step at a time Larm ... .one baby step at a time~!  YOU GOT THIS~!

J

[allienoah]

Let me join the others by saying that you are a very brave, strong person. You are an inspiration to the rest of us who are trying to get over that hump.   

[Larmoyant]

I was in tears reading these responses, thank you all so much. I hadn’t looked at buying a new phone as a good move, more desperate really (). I wanted to do something to stop all these painful, longing feelings. Glimpses into his life make me want him again and it’s so easy to forget the abuse when I’m feeling this way. I want the person who hurt me to come back and take the pain away when all he’d ever do is hurt me again.

I’ve been trying to stand back from the hurt a little if that makes sense. Taking a look at the big picture. Reminding myself that I’ve felt pain like this before, in my childhood when my father left. This relationship mirrored that time for me as I experienced ‘abandonment’ again, over and over. Whether he called it off, or I did because I couldn’t bear the abuse anymore. For two years I was 'left' almost every week. I remember many, many times driving back from his house after a rage attack in terrible pain and off he would go dating someone else, come back again, and around and around we went. I was re-experiencing the trauma of my childhood almost every week for two years. New wounds on top of old ones. It’s no wonder I fell into depression, yet I’m coming out of it now.

This is just a small painful setback. I looked at his What’s App again today. I know, self-inflicted pain, but I’m not giving myself a hard-time about it. He hasn’t been on since midnight last Saturday. Makes me wonder what he’s doing or if he still thinks of me and it makes me cry. I can’t really remember what it felt like as a 5-year old whose beloved father had just left her, but I imagine it felt a little like this. I’m mourning the loss of that as much as the loss of this abusive relationship. I’ll get through it. I can’t stop it hurting, but I can do something so I’m not so triggered. I've ordered the new phone. Thanks so much for empowering me BPD Family   

[kc sunshine]

one thing that I did that was helpful (before she did a full on recycle attempt, which I fell like a brick for) was give myself a star for everyday I didn't look at her Facebook. She's off Facebook now, but I'm gonna do that again for not getting in touch with her.

[Larmoyant]

This is the strangest thing. I just finished pouring my heart out, had a good cry, dusted myself off and the tell-tale sound of a text message from him came in. He's just asked me how I am. This is a little surreal.

[kc sunshine]

This is what I have a hard time protecting myself against. It is intermittent reinforcement at its best/worst.

[Harley Quinn]

This is the strangest thing. I just finished pouring my heart out, had a good cry, dusted myself off and the tell-tale sound of a text message from him came in. He's just asked me how I am. This is a little surreal.

Hi Larmoyant,

So it's not just my exBPDbf who has the 'bat sense' as I call it then.  I had a really profound experience a couple of weeks ago and was feeling extremey emotionally heightened and who do I bump into within 24 hours of it, twice?  You got it.  The first occasion he asked me if I was OK.  It's like he knew something wasn't alright.  It sent me into a spin.  How are you feeling?

Love and light x 

[zonnebloem]

What you are telling is: A new Phone doensn't help if you keep the same number? Good luck! Tuff situation... .you are NOT alone!

[chillamom]

Oh, no!  The new phone/new number wasn't activated yet?  You did something very strong and you can do something strong now as well…not respond if it's going to hurt.   I relate well to this everlasting struggle; maybe it really is true that there is some eerie, pseudo-psychic connection going on; but you don't have to feed into it….

[JQ]

Hey Larm,

So reading your updated post ... .you've put things together~! Another mile stone in your journey & this is huge~!
 You said ... .
I’ve been trying to stand back from the hurt a little if that makes sense. Taking a look at the big picture. Reminding myself that I’ve felt pain like this before, in my childhood when my father left. This relationship mirrored that time for me as I experienced ‘abandonment’ again, over and over. Whether he called it off, or I did because I couldn’t bear the abuse anymore. For two years I was 'left' almost every week. I remember many, many times driving back from his house after a rage attack in terrible pain and off he would go dating someone else, come back again, and around and around we went. I was re-experiencing the trauma of my childhood almost every week for two years. New wounds on top of old ones.

You've associated the r/s with your father to the r/s you had with your BPD and this is a key to your healing.  I would imagine that as a child you would try again & again to win the love & affection of your father by trying to be the perfect child so that they would stick around. No matter how hard you tried your father would abandon you time & time again. You try to fix it again & again trying new things but nothing works. Yet you continue to work harder than ever before to win the love & affection from your father/mother ... .something every child wants and needs.  

I know this behavior all to well because I like many other NON's whether they want to admit it or not had similar experiences growing up. I learned through a lot of therapy that I was subconsciously attracted to behavior like what I experienced as a child hoping to "fix" the r/s only to be abandon yet again & again ... .aka recycled again & again first as a child than as an adult. It was when my therapist pointed this behavior out to me and I ACTUALLY realized it & that I could change it for the better.  I had to accept that there are things I can not ever change. I had to learn to let those things go both from my childhood & from my more recent BPDr/s.  Once I did that it was like the clouds opened up & the sun started to shine down on my wounds.  The best thing for any wound is fresh air & lots of sunshine.

Quit picking at the scab of your BPD r/s ... .stop looking at FB, stop looking at What's App ... .these are scabs that you continue to pick at & by doing so they'll never heal. YOU already know by doing those things it triggers you & things you don't want to feel anymore.  Listen to me Larm ... .YOU will heal from all of this ... .your post is evidence of that.  As you point out this is just a small & minor set back.  Take another shot of B-12 to boost your immune system :-D  

I'm really so very proud of you ... .it takes a very Strong & Brave person to look back into their own painful history in order to move forward in their life. Without doing that I believe that a person's individual BPD journey will be much longer & painful than it needs to be. YOU should be VERY Proud of you too~!

YOU will stop hurting ... .YOU will get better~! YOU will feel better~! YOU will be happy~! This I promise you Larm. And it's YOU that has EMPOWERED YOU ... .we are just here to support you ... .& hold out that hand up when you needed it.  YOU GOT THIS~!

J

[Roselily]

Kudos! Larm... That was a great move! Erase all remnants ... and start over... fresh... I know how we are all so attached to our phones, so that was a big but positive task you're taking!  Be proud of yourself. After my breakup it was very hard to let go of my iPhone, because I kept our old text messages so at weak times, I thought it would help to go back and read what was written... I was wrong... it just gave more room to obsess, and ruminate what was... After getting my new one... there was nothing to go back there to ... .This helped me a lot with PTSD not having available to re read all the horrible stuff...
enjoy your new phone, and another step toward positive change...    ALdactone

[Larmoyant]

I apologise for any confusion in my first post. The new phone is ordered and I’ll get it in a few days. I was certain it was the best decision, but him texting has thrown me. So much so that I had a small accident whilst cooking and had to have stitches in my finger.

It really was surreal hearing from him at that particular moment in time. I’d made up my mind with certainty. It does make me wonder if other forces are in play (). Magical thinking, but still it seems that both of us are still emotionally enmeshed. Not so much anymore, but the ties that bind are still there. Someone told me before that it will be up to me to cut them because he likely won’t.

I did think about not responding, but compassion for him and relief that he hadn’t forgotten me (!) got the better of me and I responded. He’s in pain and recovering from knee surgery, his leg is in a brace, he’s put on weight and doesn’t feel good about himself. He can’t walk the dog much. I had bonded with and loved this dog. It crossed my mind that he wanted me to offer to walk him. I don’t really know. I do know that he’d found a new girlfriend. He told me months ago. “I care for someone else now so can’t talk to you anymore”. My thoughts -  if he has a new girlfriend then she can walk the dog.  I suspect something’s up with the new relationship or maybe it’s over. None of my business. I didn’t ask. The conversation tailed off and he didn’t respond to my last text. I’m not surprised. Off he goes again. That’s when I decided to cook. I was figuring out how I feel when I cut my finger. I haven’t worked it all out yet.