Feeling hate

[steelwork]

It's been two and a half years since it ended, and suddenly I hate him. I still feel compassion in the abstract, but I see now how horribly he treated me at the end. I see how manipulative and selfish he was all along, and I see the gaping distance between his words and his behavior. It was always about him. I was an object he wanted until he didn't.

[Nuitari]

I'm right there with you.  Its been two and half years for me as well, and I'm still just as emotionally invested in those events as ever. The hate is stronger than ever before too.  Its like I'm in a continuous process of "waking up" to the reality of who she is and how she used me, and the anger and hate just gets stronger the more I wake up. I know its a terrible thing to say, but if I learned today that she was dead, I'm not sure I could even feel anything, except possibly disappointment at the thought that I never took the opportunity to tell her what I REALLY think of her now.

[roberto516]

Anger is perfectly alright. Heck, I have anger a lot at my ex. I even went a step further, regretfully at times, and told her exactly what I thought about her after the recycle and discard. But then when I calmed down I had to do something that I really didn't want to do. I had to hold up the mirror. And what I saw wasn't what I wanted to admit at times. I realized I was angry at myself. I realized that I hated myself for "falling for it". For entering another BPD trait relationship after the first one almost destroyed me. How I didn't leave sooner in the relationship even though my heart was begging me to. How I allowed myself to trust someone who didn't feel the same about me. All these things were hate directed at myself. I was, and still do, give myself a real good butt kicking that is self-inflicted. But it's easier for me to blame her. She deserves some of my anger I think but 90% of it is anger at me.

Even today, when I begin to hate her for her indifference and for her seemingly amazing life since she left me I have to realize it's all hate at myself. I'm not by any means saying this is how you feel. I'm just telling you my own experience. I have to learn to accept that I can't change her. I too wish some unfortunate karma on her on some days. But all of that is out of my control. I can work on my own self-hate. It's not as satisfying to me. But it's all that I can do.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi steelwork,

I'm sorry to hear that in some way he still has a hold on your emotions.  Perhaps it is just a matter of moving through the stages and I recognise in myself that I can jump around in these.  It does take time to fully detach and reach indifference and we will all get there in our own time.  It may mean there is still a lesson to be identified.  Can you recognise the things you learned from your experience and see them as positive things you can apply in your own life?

Love and light x 

[love4meNOTu]

It's been two and a half years since it ended, and suddenly I hate him. I still feel compassion in the abstract, but I see now how horribly he treated me at the end. I see how manipulative and selfish he was all along, and I see the gaping distance between his words and his behavior. It was always about him. I was an object he wanted until he didn't.

Hi steelwork, I'm struggling with this as well. It's been four years for me. I got to the anger stage late in the game, too wrapped up in the trauma that happened to myself and my boys. I focused a lot on healing myself and the kids, and financially it was a tough time. I paid for all the divorce costs, etc. For a 16 month marriage it cost me a lot. Not just financially!

To be quite honest, I had expected to stop hating him some time ago. Instead, it has bloomed with the outrage I feel. It's not hampering my life to any extent, I'm just surprised by the intensity of it.

I can't really think of anyone I've hated before, I've disliked people but never felt hate. I wonder if this is my minds way of protecting myself from further hurt in a similar fashion?

The ultimate form of never forget what happened, don't ever make that mistake again.

I suppose it just takes time, real love, and feeling what I've got to feel... .with the caveat of ... .never again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey steelwork, I think its unhealthy to keep strong feelings submerged.  My suggestion: allow yourself to experience the feelings and then let them pass through you, like a lightning rod.  Another approach is to process your feelings in some way.  How to process?  Write in a journal, talk to a close friend or family member, take a walk in the woods, discuss with a therapist, practice mindfulness.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[stimpy]

I think one of the astonishing things about these types of relationships is the amount of processing we need to do to get over them. I totally get the stages of detachment and that some say it is similar to a grieving process, but I'd say that there are many extra levels to detaching from a relationship with a pwBPD than there are to normal grieving.

Often we have to process very unpalatable events and behaviours, both from our ex and sometimes also from ourselves, we often have to process that we have been betrayed, manipulated, used, lied to, deceived. Really, it is abuse, maybe verbal, maybe emotional, maybe physical, maybe all three. And sometimes it takes us time, as we get out the FOG to actually understand that these things have even happened. In the mean time, we often have to process trauma from sudden discard, and on top of that the loss of a future, that I for one thought was going to be good.

I think this is why the anger stage can get delayed, as in it emerges some time after the end of the relationship, and it may seem to linger, much longer than would appear "normal"... .But the anger is there for a reason, it is protecting us from ever thinking about going back to someone who has treated us badly. It is like a shroud, of protection, and it keeps the mind from playing tricks on us, such as - that our ex might really have been ok, that he or she is really... .not so bad.

For me, the anger, the real anger, started to come about 6 of 7 months after the discard, and hung around for about a year. It seemed to come in waves, literally like a wave of anger going through my body and my mind. There was much cussing and swearing, just to myself, no one else, and I talked and talked and talked to my mentor. But the intensity and frequency of these waves became fewer and fewer over time and in day to day living have now, finally, gone.

Now, such feelings are very rare (I'm just aver two years out). And un-triggered, do not occur. And yet, they are still there. How do I know? Well, I signed up for Facebook for the very first time 3 days ago... .and yes, you've guessed it, her pic came up as a potential friend 

And, within seconds, I felt anger, and it hung around for about half an hour, and then was gone. And hasn't returned I'm pleased to say. But my mind has clearly put her the very dangerous category, much like a wasp, a hornet, a tiger, or a thunderbolt of lighting. My mind is still doing its job of protecting me, and that is how I regard the anger I have for my ex, it is me protecting myself, and I'm glad it is.

[bunny4523]

Hi,

I'd have to agree with the majority here... .anytime I think about the things that were done to me and how I was treated, I feel anger.  But I think the difference is that I don't let it consume me anymore.  I just don't like him and I hate the things he did to me and to my family.  I think that it is ok, it reminds me that it was wrong and to not let anyone ever do that to me again. 

More than the anger, I feel the appreciation to be out of it.  To recognize that the way he treated as soo wrong and it had nothing to do with me.

I think before my anger was directed at him but like others have mentioned... .it was also about my anger at myself for falling for it.  Once you can forgive yourself for that and feel a value in yourself again... .the anger that remains seems reasonable. 

I mean think about other things in life... .no matter how many articles I read about a child being abused, I still feel anger when I read it.  Certain amount of anger seems to be reasonable as long as it lessens in intensity and frequency.

Getting through this was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... .and having to still see him because we work together.  It's good and bad.  It reminds me daily of how strong I am and how I didn't let him break me but I still have to deal with his emotional roller coaster rides sometimes when he flips out at work.  But whatever... .that's nothing compared to living with him and being in a relationship with him.

Bunny
 
 

[steelwork]

Stopping by to thank you for your thoughtful and kind responses. I've got some other stuff going on in life at the moment that seems to have made me feel really raw all over again. It's interesting how different the r/s looks from this vantage point of years of non-contact, and I was surprised to find that hate for him lurking within me. It was kind of automatic--like, for the last few weeks when I think of him I mutter, kind of under my breath but I do actually say, "I hate you." It's like I'm casting a spell on myself. Maybe that's it, as some have said: a spell of protection--though that's moot since I have not heard a peep in a long long time.

But yes, I think I was avoiding seeing it for what it was, because at least I might still have a memory of being loved. Now that's gone. If he'd ever loved me, really cared about me, he would not have done me like this--full stop. It's like all the good feelings I felt have been retroactively retracted. I am used to thinking of exes fondly--thinking of past relationships as having been enriching in some way. This one was only impoverishing, and I think that's where the hate is really coming from. He only took and hurt and destroyed.

[bunny4523]

I am used to thinking of exes fondly--thinking of past relationships as having been enriching in some way.

Me too!  I was always able to appreciate the person for the person even though we didn't work well in a relationship.  But this was different. He tore me down and tried to make me out to be a bad person, convincing himself, others and even trying to convince me... .  I think that is still where I get mad too because there was no closure, no remorse.  All that negative energy with my name all over it is still floating around out there... .while he is hiding under this fake facade of what a great guy he is... .but I saw this quote the other day and it really helped me.

When a toxic person can no longer control you, they wil try to control how others see you.  The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the TRUTH, just like you did!


Bunny

 

[Emotions]

Denial is helpful for me... .I am completely denying that she doesn't think of me positively... .I know I wasn't perfect, but I cared every minute with all I had, and I live in my dreams that she knows this deep down in her heart... .if two years from now I look back on this post and write something different it will be neat to remember writing this

[lovenature]

Hate will consume you, best to move past it. With enough education and time away we can see clearly enough to realize our PWBPD weren't capable of treating us the way we expected in a mature, intimate relationship. Nothing makes what they did ok, but they are who they are.