Safety Plan

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been married for 22 years to a high-functioning BPD. Recently, a friend who is a counselor advised me to create a safety plan. Do you have any experience with this? What are some practical things to do? I am hoping to improve our marriage, but not sure if he will be able to face his fears. Can't keep doing this.

[dealingwithit]

I've been married for 22 years to a high-functioning BPD. Recently, a friend who is a counselor advised me to create a safety plan. Do you have any experience with this? What are some practical things to do? I am hoping to improve our marriage, but not sure if he will be able to face his fears. Can't keep doing this.

[formflier]

Good on you for thinking about safety.

Standard stuff. 
Leave a bag in your car with undies and a change of clothes... some basics.  Some cash in there too.
Always keep cell phone on you and charged. 
Always keep house keys in your pocket, car keys as well.
Download recorder app for your phone.  May sure there is secure code to access your phone so this is private.  If things get heated... .record while you are leaving.  Do not tell him you have recorder.

Learn to disengage from conflict

Give me some examples of things you want to be safe from.  Has there ever been physical stuff between you guys or has it stayed in the verbal realm

FF

[dealingwithit]

Mostly verbal but there have been several light physical interactions (if you can call them that.) This will be for long-term separation, not short-term.

[formflier]

Mostly verbal but there have been several light physical interactions (if you can call them that.) This will be for long-term separation, not short-term.

Does he know you intend to separate?  How long?

Are you asking how you tell him and then stay safe?

Every separated before?

FF

[DaddyBear77]

Hi dealingwithit

I wanted to also pass on a couple resources we have here on the site that might be helpful:

Threat Assessment: The MOSAIC threat assessment is sophisticated third party test that can use to evaluate the danger in relationship. The link is
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379

Safety Plan: A safety plan is a detailed plan to exit the home in the event of an aggravated situation. It includes stashing some exit supplies and having multiple alternate places to go (friend, hotel, etc.)
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

Let me know if these are helpful?

~DaddyBear77

[dealingwithit]

Thanks for those links. I am getting ready for a quick exit plan in case of immediate danger. I am now trying to plan out farther in case I need to separate so he will get the message that I'm serious. I do not plan on telling him beforehand because I don't think that will be safe. We are in therapy right now, so we'll see which direction this goes.

[Turkish]

If your friend is concerned, it's good advice. What kind of behaviors is he exhibiting?

[dealingwithit]

I'm not sure what to do. I have been reading the message boards in the divorce section and realize that if he doesn't try to change, I don't want to leave my home. I want him to. We've been married almost 23 years and he is the breadwinner so he will have to pay alimony since I homeschooled all three of our children until college and did not pursue a serious career. He is not respecting my boundaries and trying to bully me. I'm tired of being treated like this. (Other than the flirtation with women at work that I am SO over. He is very focused on his young co-workers.) My son told me he doesn't want me to be treated like this anymore. He is overbearing and dominating with our grown kids, they don't want to come around when he is here. He blames me and says the kids don't respect him because of my attitude toward him. Of course, right now he is being super sweet and calm because he can tell I'm detaching, but I'm trying to stay constant as much as possible. He is high functioning and intelligent. The second consideration is the high probability of abuse and violence if I begin some type of separation.

[Turkish]

Have you shared what's really going on with the therapist, who sounds like a couples counselor,  yes?

[dealingwithit]

Yes, but I'm concerned. I told her he cut his feet (he has even removed his toenails at times.) I don't think she is convinced he is BPD, but has mentioned NPD. He triangulates regularly and fits most of the criteria. I had one therapist tell me after speaking with him that he felt that is what is going on. That's how I found out about BPD.

She wants me to bring up the cutting in our next session. I freaked out when she said it for some reason. I think if I uncover the "crazy" he may lose it. But I think it may be worth the gamble.

She says he needs an "intervention." He doesn't understand that he is not dealing with his emotions.

What do you think?

[Turkish]

If you are able,  it would be good to seek out another T just for you.  This T is working for both of you and may not be seeing the larger picture given the couples counseling dynamic. I'd shy away from diagnosing him yourself, but rather focusing on the behaviors.

[dealingwithit]

The therapist is recommending another therapist for me for trauma healing, which I would like to do, anyway. She seems to have his number, though, which is helpful. We are supposed to talk about boundaries with the opposite sex next time - woo hoo, can't wait.

[Turkish]

Let us know how it goes.  Meanwhile,  what have you been dealing with currently?

[dealingwithit]

The realization that I'm pretty much married to a narcissist and what that all means has hit me like a ton of bricks. Right now, I'm learning to love myself and that begins with making an exit strategy if he doesn't get serious help. My physical health is at risk due to the stress, need to make a change.
 

[DaddyBear77]

dealingwithit - I would second Turkish's recommendation to find a therapist who can support you one on one.

I've had several experiences with both couples / joint therapy sessions (including me seeing her therapist together) and while I found it very helpful when my wife was comfortable, I also found myself feeling somewhat alone and "hanging out there." It was really helpful to have my own space to talk about whatever I needed to, without fear that she would lose her sh#@, so to speak.

And yes, again, an exit / safety plan is really important too. How are you coming along with that?

[formflier]

The exit plan will also boost your confidence.  Right now, without a plan, the future could look a little murky if you decide to exit.

With a plan you will know what you are dealing with.

Having confidence will help you r/s, whether you decide to stay or go.

FF

[dealingwithit]

Thanks for that. This is so difficult.

[wendydarling]

Hi dealingwithit

I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are? It is difficult and we are here for you.

WDx

[dealingwithit]

I applied for some jobs and had an interview this week. It felt really good because I am well qualified for the position although it doesn't pay very well; but it is a good foot in the door for state government. Since I have faced the option, I've found lots of healing and love for myself. I've discovered I have been playing a victim role and have to change the dynamics inside and with others. That has been working, I've studied some good material. The realization this is not my fault has been staggering. He has been pretty negative on certain days, but it's been bearable. I have reached out to friends and they are very supportive and understanding. Thankfully, they all believed me. I recorded his last rant which lasted for 45 minutes. My friends thanked me for playin g it for them since they didn't know who to believe when we would talk to them separately. That is the biggest relief, to be believed. So they have all my gold jewelry an coins and some important papers in their safe in case I need to exit quickly. Next to open a bank account! (Just in case.)