Please Help

[5xFive]

Hello, I am new here, but I am not new to being in a relationship with a pwBPD. My husband of 12 years has not been diagnosed, since he does not believe he needs therapy, but through a lot of therapy myself, I have discovered the truth about our relationship. I am a co-dependent and my hubby is a pwBPD. I feel like we travel through "seasons". Times when things are more often good than bad and then those awful seasons where its like being in the ocean and pummeled by wave after wave. I feel like I am drowning. This is a bad season.

So far in the last month, my husband has punched holes in 5 walls, and in 7 doors. We currently do not have a door leading from the kitchen into the garage because he tore it off the hinges in a rage. He blames me for everything that is wrong in our lives because we live in a state that he never wanted to move to. This is my home state, my entire family is here, and after being isolated in other states for 10 years previously with him, I knew I needed to be around the support of my family when our son was born. We now have 2 children, a 6 year old boy and a 7 month old girl. I cannot afford to continue my therapy because our daycare bill is so high - its more than our mortgage!

In the last week, he has raged at me for asking if he was sure that all he wanted was nuggets from mcdonalds, for taking care of the kids (our 7mo old is still breastfeeding and sometimes it takes a long time to nurse her to sleep) instead of comforting him, and this morning, he raged because I put a safety bath spout cover over the spout in the bathroom for my son, and he had a hard time getting it off when he wanted to take a bath. Anytime anything goes wrong, even something that is obviously out of my control- like for example we lost power for almost 2 hours during a storm yesterday, he blames me. "This wouldn't be happening if we didn't live in this sh***y state, and its all your fault". I try to stay calm, to use my skills to validate his feelings and keep from escalating into a full blown rage, but I'm tired. I work full time, I take care of two children by myself, I clean, cook dinner, do the laundry, pay the bills, go grocery shopping all by myself. I have no help, and when I have asked for help, his response has been "well you should have thought about it before we moved here" and " I have sacrificed everything to be with you, you have ruined my life, I will start to help you as soon as we leave this state".

I'm at the point that I am willing to sell the house and move, but we got down payment assistance from the county government, so if we leave before 5 years are up, we have to pay back $15,000. We have 4 years left on that contract. I don't know what to do. He told me this morning that either we leave TODAY or he will kill himself and then I will have to explain to our children that I murdered their father with my selfishness. I am burnt out. I have stayed calm, I have done everything I know how to do. I have told him that I cannot text while I am at work to give him time to cool off (and selfishly, to help me get through the day) but he has texted me 15 times in the last hour - mostly about how I always put everything and everyone before him, and especially my work. I do not open the message app, or reply, but they do preview on my home screen. The fact is that I have a very demanding job, and as tired as I am from lack of sleep with a breastfeeding baby, and just life in general, I need to focus when I am at work. And if he leaves me and the kids like he often threatens to do, I need to have a job!

He often rages out in front of the kids, and I can see the toll that it is starting to have on my 6 year old. His dad is often saying he hate his mom, that he wishes he would die or that I would die, that he hates his life. What 6 year old WOULDN'T be affected by that? I don't want to leave him. I want to be a better wife, I want to validate when I need to, I want to be there for him when he needs me but sometimes I feel like there is not enough of me to go around. I can't meet the needs of the children and himself without taking care of myself, but anytime I try to take care of myself, I am "selfish". Anytime I say that we need to play this out, fix up the damage to the house, and improve on it so that we can sell it in 4 years, I "want [him] to kill himself". Anytime I can't answer his texts or phone calls because I am working, he will "find someone else" who will be there for him. In fact he just texted me that he will be staying at "someone else's" house tonight. I don't even know what that means.

I'm not sure what kind of help I am looking for.  Maybe just the validation that I am unable to receive at home that I am not a psycho. That I am doing the right things, using my skills properly. If not, how can I improve?

Thank you so much for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Monuka,

Welcome to the boards ,

Sounds like things are really out of control right now. Does your H have a history of self harming behavior?

How long has it been since you moved? It seems to me like he may be feeling out of control of things so his behavior is escalating. The stress of a move, loss of routine, and then the general frustrations of life may be building up in him and raging is the only way he knows how to handle it. What do you during his rages? Oftentimes just leaving the house while he rages can relieve the situations, if not for him, then for you and the kids.

[MrRight]

I don't want to leave him. I want to be a better wife, I want to validate when I need to,

I hope someone on this board more experienced than me will help you with some options.

You are a good wife though - but he sounds like he is an extreme case - an experienced person told me the tools we use here - validadtion etc - have no effect on an extreme case - I believe that.

Does he work? Doesn't sound like it.

what do you get out of the marriage? would you say he is a good father?

[5xFive]

I don't want to leave him. I want to be a better wife, I want to validate when I need to,

I hope someone on this board more experienced than me will help you with some options.

You are a good wife though - but he sounds like he is an extreme case - an experienced person told me the tools we use here - validadtion etc - have no effect on an extreme case - I believe that.

Does he work? Doesn't sound like it.

what do you get out of the marriage? would you say he is a good father?

Thank you for your response. He is actually extremely high functioning. He has a good job and he only rages out or even complains at home.

Plenty of days I ask myself what I get out of it, . We've been together since we were teenagers. I'm not sure I realized there was a problem for a very long time. It wasn't until I felt like I needed to be committed, I must be the most horrible, selfish, psycho that ever lived (based on what he said all the times he was dysregulating) that I sought therapy. Even then, it was probably 9 months to a year before my therapist told me that she thought he was BPD and it gave me something to learn about.

It is absolutely amazing how alike my life is to the others on this forum. My husband refuses therapy, as I believe I mentioned, he thinks there's nothing wrong with him.
He wanted to go "off grid" when we were younger. Hitchhike across the country, spare change for food. When he talks about it, it sounds much more glamorous. Lol. When we first met, I was 19, and looking for adventure! And an escape from a stepfather who was a sexual predator and a mother who insisted I was a liar. We got together, we fell in love. We never traveled. I wanted to finish school first, etc. life happened. Then kids. 17 years later, anytime ANYTHING goes wrong, it's my fault for not living life his way. "This" is what I wanted.

We moved to be near my family. Anytime the littlest thing goes wrong,, it's because we're here. When I ask how I can help, it's I already know (moving to another state). But how can we just move when we have a mortgage and 2 small children? It's irrational! Our AC went out, it's my fault. His neck hurts, and the Dr thinks something is wrong so he needs an MRI. That's my fault too.

What do I get out of this? I wish I knew. This is something I was working through in therapy (but we can't afford it anymore since daycare is like a second mortgage - which of course we wouldn't need to pay if we had stayed near his crazy family bc none of them work and would have watched the kids for free

[5xFive]

MrRight,

His mom, dad, brother, aunt, and cousin are all addicted to prescription pain pills. They thrive on drama. If we lived there, the kids would likely go stay with his grandma during the day who is older and is already watching his cousin's 3 kids so that she (the cousin) can stay in her room and pop her pain meds. His cousin and aunt still live with Grandma. In the last month there have been TWO family feuds (I don't know how else to describe it) where there is screaming and name calling and just insane behavior. Obviously he grew up with this, so to him it is normal. It is NOT normal to me, and I didn't want to expose my son to it when we lived there, so I pushed to move near to my family.
Of course, every time he dysregulates, he blames me because he never wanted to move here, and things would have been better if we had stayed there. I just can't get behind that! It would not have been a healthy place for our children, I firmly believe that.

I am so sorry that you don't get a break. There are plenty of days that I am able to ignore my phone while I'm at work and it gives me a chance to reboot.

I have found a lot of the tools on this site useful. It is a matter of being able to put them into action when things get rough, as they so often do. Its so hard to continuously validate a person when they won't even acknowledge everything that I do because in his mind I don't deserve help or validation since we are in a place he never wanted to be.

[5xFive]

Mr Right,

That was unclear. I have 2 children and often I feel like my uBPDh is my 3rd. He does not help me with the house, or the bills. He goes to work and that's all. For him that's enough! After all, he sacrifices every day to live a life he doesn't want. This is the life I wanted, I should be the one to work for it... .
Why did we have a second? Things were good, calm. We were in a long term up cycle. We decided to have another, and trying was good. Then I got pregnant and we bought a house, and everything went to sh**t. I think he felt the responsibility of having 2 kids and being stuck where he doesn't want to be and we have now been in a down cycle for almost a year. There have been good moments, some good days, but mostly dysregulation, screaming, threatening divorce etc. Regular stuff, you know?

[5xFive]

For example, today was a horrible day. H was having a bad day, all my fault of course. I kept telling myself not to JADE but freaking couldn't seem to control myself so of course it escalated past the point of no return. H "filed" for divorce. Just waiting until we can afford to pay the filing fee.
I made dinner like I do every night and took it to him in the living room where he was playing his game (the kids and I sit at the table together for dinner). He's mad at me, so he said "I'm not eating anything you touched". I told him ok, it's his choice to eat it or not, and he THREW it away! A perfectly good dinner that took me freaking 40 mins to cook with a baby strapped to my chest! Not only did he throw it away, he tossed it in the kitchen trash, and put his plate in the sink (which may very well be the first time he's put a dish in the sink in 17 years. I'm assuming it's because he wanted to make sure I saw him throw the food away) and then left to go buy himself dinner.
And that is why I feel like I have 3 children... .

[Gumiho]

Don't blame yourself for JADEing back. I think we all know how hard it is with adult babies.

Not doing so requires so much self control and certainly requires training in such a severe case.

Give yourself a pat on the back ^^ I bet you had a lot of patience before blowing up  

[5xFive]

MrRight it may not have been constructive to say, but it was still very validating and made me smile so I thank you!

Gumiho thank you. I don't know how much patience I actually had, maybe I need more practice but I did try and I know THAT for sure. And when I failed I kept trying. You're right! Adult babies are hard!

[MrRight]

MrRight it may not have been constructive to say, but it was still very validating and made me smile so I thank you!

Gumiho thank you. I don't know how much patience I actually had, maybe I need more practice but I did try and I know THAT for sure. And when I failed I kept trying. You're right! Adult babies are hard!

I just logged on to delete my comment but cant.

In my defence I'm one of these old fashioned guys (ie the majority of men) who believe in chivalry towards women so when I read about women being mistreated by men - I do get rather upset.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Monucka AND Mr. Right -

I am SO GLAD you said that!

When Monucka writes, her words become my visual and I nearly lose my breath, so that virtual "punch" brought a smile to me, too!  And I'm a major pacifist (which is sort of funny, considering how that word is spelled).

Hi Monucka- it's me, the silent, primal scream girl.

Xo,
Gemsforeyes

[5xFive]

Thank you again for your responses.
Gemsforeyes, I've been thinking about you a lot. And practicing my inner scream. I still haven't managed it, but the breathing helps. I am struggling with validation and not jadeing. I have been trying to practice with everyone who is not my h, thinking about what I say, not giving justifications or explanations for my actions, not getting defensive. The problem is, I don't have a problem with it with anyone else! Only my h. I get so triggered by some of the things he says and does. Anyone have any ideas how to keep myself from triggering and then jadeing?
FYI, I have not found that set does not work with my h. Maybe I'm no good at the support or the empathy. I TRY goodness knows, but I seem to always escalate his rage. It's usually better for me to keep silent, but then he accuses and blames and I jade. Lol. I am definitely open to suggestions if any of you have them!