Nearly Baby's First Birthday

[agapanthus]

Hello I have a textbook case of a BPD/passive codependent relationship here, my BPD partner and I met less than two years ago and now we have a baby, who is nearly one.  We both love our baby, but on top of the usual BPD triggers/behaviours, we now have the added stress of co-parenting. I also have a six year old daughter by a previous non-BPD relationship and I want to protect her as much as possible, as well as trying to do all I can to ensure my baby son doesn't grow up with the same issues.  I am relatively lucky in that my partner and I live quite separate lives, but he has threatened to kill me several times and I am frightened of him.  He wants me to move to a new town and change my daughter's school and unfortunately on paper it makes a lot of sense, even I can see so many advantages to it.  But I can also see that it makes me quite isolated and more vulnerable to his rages.  I don't know what to do for the best, I don't want to stop my partner seeing his son and vice versa, but for everyone's safety and sanity is it best to persevere, keeping my friends close and enemies closer, or call a halt now and endure the fall out before I get any more entangled?  Wish I hadn't started this relationship at all, it's worrying and now I'm contemplating moving my daughter's home and school and I am all she and my son have to protect them.  I love my partner and feel as though I understand him better than he understands himself, but my first responsibility is towards my children.  I want to cause minimal hurt and would welcome other people's feedback.

[Turkish]

Hi agapanthus,



You say that you live seperate lives. It sounds like you are keeping primary custody of your baby and letting him have visitation as you see fit, yes? The threats are concerning.  Do you feel safe,  you and your two kids?

Turkish

[agapanthus]

Hi, thanks for the welcome, it certainly is a relief to find this forum.  Yes it's not as formal as your query sounds, we've never been to court but the children live with me and he comes to stay maybe three nights a week, then we both need some time out.  When he's away he says he misses us but when he's here, unless he's self-medicating, he rapidly gets into a dark mood which always descends into a rage and then he goes again.  Generally, he's quite good at removing himself before his rage hits it's peak, but a few times he hasn't and on one occasion I called the police, he now has a caution for assault (my fault, obviously). When he's in a good mood, he's wonderful but when he's in a rage I need to know I have an escape route, a phone, a neighbour, a car with keys he can't hide, I am shocked to find that I do plan in advance in case I'm cornered. I don't like living like this and I certainly don't want my children thinking it's normal  the trouble is, now that I'm in this situation, it's hard to get out.  My main worry at the moment is that I feel like I'm being coerced into moving and that might make it worse.  He tells me it will improve things of course but actually writing this down makes me realise how idiotic I sound... .!  Thanks for your time, it's much appreciated.

[david]

I would listen to my gut and not move.

[wendydarling]

Hi there agapanthus and welcome,  I'm glad you found us and sorry for what you are dealing with 

Good to hear you have a safety plan, I'd like to share this safety first plan, it may cover some issues you've not yet put in place though I guess you've received appropriate follow up advice following you calling the police? 
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

It certainly helps when we write it all down, give ourselves space to reflect and identify what is important for us as individuals and children.

Why does your partner want to move town? Does your daughter see her father?

WDx

[agapanthus]

Thank you all for your kind words, I really appreciate them.  I'm so glad I've found this resource.  I feel like I'm walking a tightrope, if I could make a wish I'd ask to get off the tightrope but I can see I'm going to have to walk it.  However by having a place to discuss it and realising that I'm not alone in this, I feel more relaxed and less panicky and I've already used some of the great advice to help explain to my daughter in positive, reassuring language and that feels good.  Thank you everyone

[agapanthus]

Hello again I have been implementing some subtle changes at home and they seem to be paying off already, though I'm aware that I can't rush this.  My daughter has been complaining for a while of having tummy ache and I've now concluded that it's because of the tension at home. This is the clearest realisation for me that I have to do something about this and stop being selfish in my co-dependent attitude, it's not fair on her and I must put her first.  It's really made me realise how manipulated I have been. I have continued to allow my partner (who I now mentally refer to as my ex) to see his son and to stay for dinner, which is his usual expectation, but for the past two nights I've said he cannot sleep here (his mother lives nearby and he has a camper van).  He has been ok with this, which is a relief for me.  I will work on telling him he's not able to eat with us every night, as that seems unfair too, especially as he doesn't contribute to the food bills or preparation at all.  We can all relax and eat our meal in peace then.  I've also spoken to my daughter about her tummy ache again and asked if it's because she worries about him.  She very tactfully said that when he's in a good mood she quite likes him, he can be fun and play good games (though his rough and tumble does worry me a bit).  But that when he's in a bad mood, she feels like doing karate (she's never done karate but demonstrated some lovely kicks and punches in the air!).  Which I think is a great way of describing her feelings and I said I agree, he makes me feel the same.  I'm so glad we're talking about this, it helps me to be strong about changing things.  I felt sad when he drove away as usually we'd sit and talk after the children went to bed, I worry about him being on his own in his van (as his mother often won't let him stay with her for the same reasons) but I was also relieved that I wouldn't have to spend the evening and night waiting for his next mood swing, lamenting the fact that my daughter might wake up to him being here and I am also aware that he won't have a problem with staying in his van at all.  I was careful to send him off with love and reassurance that he would be welcome to play with his son tomorrow, he seemed happy.  I have been talking to so many friends and even those who are fully aware of my situation agree that it would be a good idea for me to move to a new town as planned, but to do it completely without him and not allow him to move any of his things in or treat my home as a bedsit as he currently does.  It could be a good new start, with new rules.  Though I'm very daunted about moving, would much rather bury my head and pretend it's not happening (despite a long list of advantages) and I'm really not looking forward to the conversation where I tell him he's not welcome to share my new home.  I do feel I'm making progress though and I'm aware that he'll lash out in retaliation sooner or later so I'm preparing as best I can... !  Thanks all, I feel better for writing all this down.