I can't sort myself out

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Things got really bad - really fast.  I talked to him last night - he was down but he wasn't mean to me at all.   He keeps saying that I should have fixed things -I had my chance.  I ended the conversation before it could turn bad. 

I stopped by this am - I foolishly hoped that he had calmed down and we could talk.  When I got there, he had music on - was up and having coffee and same old, he saw me and went to bed.  I took care of a few things around the house and told him to let me know if he needed anything.   I decided to go to work since I am so behind on things.

He showed up at work - I wasn't expecting him.  He started to talk - telling me about all the things I should have done over the years that would have helped his mental state.  He was bringing up years and years of so many times he felt disrespected - how horrible he feels he has been treated over the years by so many people - clients - family - friends. That I have taken everything away from him - I ruined his life.   I sat quiet - I tried a few times to validate his feelings - he kept escalating it - started to demand a million dollars from me to buy him out.  I got up and started to walk to the bathroom.  He flipped out that I was walking away instead of dealing with what he needs to clear his head.  I said that he gave me a lot of information to process and I needed time to think about what he said.  That made him so much madder.  We argued a bit and he left.

He came back 15 minutes later.  Told me that I pushed him past the point of no return.  He called his exwife and she is coming to his house for dinner - that he needs her back in his life.  He knows what a trigger that is to me - I started to cry and again he flipped out.  He said that it is all my fault and he gave me so many chances to do the right thing and I never do it. I feel horrible - sad at so many aspects of this. I feel completely triggered - all the strength and boundaries i thought I had vanished so quickly.   I can't sort myself out - I can't keep being part of this cycle.   I always take the blame - I always let his words in.   I can't live like this.  I get panicky at the thought of not being with him.  I get panicky at the thought of living my life like this.  I have tried so hard to be understanding of his illness - I have tried to focus on myself and make changes so I could be a better person.  Any thoughts or questions or help would be greatly appreciated.   I feel sick and I can't think clearly.

[coworkerfriend]

Things got really bad - really fast.  I talked to him last night - he was down but he wasn't mean to me at all.   He keeps saying that I should have fixed things -I had my chance.  I ended the conversation before it could turn bad. 

I stopped by this am - I foolishly hoped that he had calmed down and we could talk.  When I got there, he had music on - was up and having coffee and same old, he saw me and went to bed.  I took care of a few things around the house and told him to let me know if he needed anything.   I decided to go to work since I am so behind on things.

He showed up at work - I wasn't expecting him.  He started to talk - telling me about all the things I should have done over the years that would have helped his mental state.  He was bringing up years and years of so many times he felt disrespected - how horrible he feels he has been treated over the years by so many people - clients - family - friends. That I have taken everything away from him - I ruined his life.   I sat quiet - I tried a few times to validate his feelings - he kept escalating it - started to demand a million dollars from me to buy him out.  I got up and started to walk to the bathroom.  He flipped out that I was walking away instead of dealing with what he needs to clear his head.  I said that he gave me a lot of information to process and I needed time to think about what he said.  That made him so much madder.  We argued a bit and he left.

He came back 15 minutes later.  Told me that I pushed him past the point of no return.  He called his exwife and she is coming to his house for dinner - that he needs her back in his life.  He knows what a trigger that is to me - I started to cry and again he flipped out.  He said that it is all my fault and he gave me so many chances to do the right thing and I never do it. I feel horrible - sad at so many aspects of this. I feel completely triggered - all the strength and boundaries i thought I had vanished so quickly.   I can't sort myself out - I can't keep being part of this cycle.   I always take the blame - I always let his words in.   I can't live like this.  I get panicky at the thought of not being with him.  I get panicky at the thought of living my life like this.  I have tried so hard to be understanding of his illness - I have tried to focus on myself and make changes so I could be a better person.  Any thoughts or questions or help would be greatly appreciated.   I feel sick and I can't think clearly.

[formflier]

Quick response.

Do boundaries sooner.  Usually when we listen... .especially when it's not an immediate thing... .such as years of "mistakes"... .there is nothing good coming.


"Hey... .I can talk to you about xyz right now... .if you want to talk about others stuff, I can do that tomorrow afternoon when I can give you my full attention."

Not saying this is your fault... .but he is obviously cruising for a blowup... .go somewhere else while it blows.

Now is time to take care of yourself... .

Hang in there

FF

[patientandclear]

CWF--I'm sorry, you sound miserable.

I hope sharing this reaction will be a useful piece of information and not come across as dismissive. It's meant to be the opposite--to take this dynamic very seriously.

When I read this post I had to keep checking the date it was posted and with each sentence  I was more and more convinced the date was a mistake. I was SURE I'd read this very post from you before: about leaving before things got too bad the night before; stopping over the next am to see how he was (which you say was a mistake); he was drinking coffee; he attacked you and went to bed; you went to work; he came in; he said you failed the relationship, and threatened to see his ex-wife; that triggers and hurts you; you leave ... .

The ONLY fact here I have not read before in a recent post is the million-dollar buy-out. Otherwise, this is an exact repeat. (If it's any comfort, I can remind you that last time, the ex-wife thing was a fake threat.)

I think what this means is that one can see that nothing that is in the mix right now is going to lead to lasting or profound change. This is it. This is what it's going to be like.

It seems like to have to decide whether literally this life is one you want to continue. Because this is what you are going to get with him. With respect to FF, I think the concept of boundaries, techniques and skills may be masking that. This is what it is going to be like WITH boundaries, techniques and skills.

[coworkerfriend]

FF thank you I really appreciate the quick response.  as I sit and think I feel like it's so obvious that he was itching to fight and as always I am right there for him - and I really took the bait this time. I know he wanted to see his ex and I gave him the perfect excuse.  Made it my fault in his head.

P&C - you are absolutely right. I have lived this and posted about this and been miserable about this for a very long time.  He keeps upping his threats and he keeps acting on them. I feel it's gotten worse.  I am holding on to the past to my hopes for change and you are right.  This is it.

It's bad enough we own this business together I know that I can't let him any further into my personal life.  I have to get myself together. I appreciate your taking the time to post.   I feel so alone. I don't talk to anyone in my real life about this.

[Frankee]

Sounds like my SO.  He likes to regurgitate past encounters where he felt disrespected, or how I've lied from day one, or how he blames me for just about everything, but if I ever say that something is his fault, he gets mad and says he did whatever it was because I did this and this...   I also know the whole walking away when he's on his rant is a huge no no.  If I try to exit the scene because it is getting out of hand, that adds fuel to his anger.

We had a big fight where he said what I was doing was pushing the line and I was about to cross it if I kept doing what I was... and at that point, I was beyond infuriated.  My sarcasm and snide remarks got the better of me and at one point ended up with him packing up all my stuff and telling me I had to go back to my parents house the next day.  The whole blame thing, I even got to a point where I refused to do anything he told me and when he said that breaking up the family was my fault, I shot back with... oh of course because everything is my fault.  I even as far as telling him to slap some horns on me so I could be his official scape goat.  Now normally I would of handled the fights better, but I had been pushed off the edge of the last bit of restraint I had.

We had a make up session last night.  Today he seemed better.  Then I irritated him.  I got a new phone because he smashed mine.  But instead of buying a phone out right, I saved us $30 by going a different route.  Sure maybe it was a little more complicated, but he's always griping I just give away money so I thought... Hey, he should be happy... wrong.  He didn't get made but I could tell he was clearly irritated and said, just do what I say from now on.  I have a real hard time being told what to do, especially if I find a better way.

Bottom line, we're all human, we all deserve love.  Me and my SO have our bad times.  I consider today a win because he woke up in a good mood, didn't yell, sure he got irritated and upset briefly, but I could tell he was trying to not act out (which is difficult for him).  I know that I have to work on being more honest with things, even if it makes me look like a dip or a bit of an airhead.  If he is willing to talk to you about why he acts the way he does and be honest with his feelings, there may be a chance.  It took us three very hard and sometimes extremely turbulent years to start to come to an understanding.  Even still, I know it's going to be a long healing process with all the hurt we caused each other. 

We are all at different points in our relationships.  I suggest reading self help articles on self compassion and healing.  Maybe studying his illness, finding ways to handle certain situations.  Reading on these things has helped me tremendously. 

It took me a long time (still working on it) to understand that his anger is a pool for all his emotions.  He explained he has a difficult time expressing certain emotions and he knows anger is easier.  He's kind of text book BPD.  At the critical stage of his childhood, he was exhibited nothing but abuse (all kinds), foster homes, juvenile detention, abandonment by his mother, alcoholic father, prison, psychic hospitals, etc.  I love him, because I've seen the man he is underneath his traumatic past and the rage.  He's a good man who is trying so hard to be better than what was given him.  He wasn't always like this and yesterday I felt the man I fell in love with make an appearance and to me, that's worth fighting for.

If you can still see the man you fell in love with, you need to search deep to see if he's worth fighting for.

[Cat Familiar]

coworkerfriend,
As someone who once owned a business with a BPD husband, I want you to know I understand how intertwined life gets when romantic and business roles merge. It must take two very emotionally healthy individuals to pull it off successfully. (I wouldn't know!)

As patientandclear points out, this is who he is. My question to you is do you really want him? I know you want the idealized version of him that you see now and then, but really, that's a phantom. It's a beautiful moment, but your day to day reality is something entirely different.

Having blown up my marriage, then he tried to blow up the business, then I ran the business for a few more years by myself until caring for a mother with dementia became more of a priority, I understand what a mess it is to separate oneself from a business/romantic partner. In some ways, your partner is making the separation easier with the threat to see his ex.

My other question to you is what do you get from clinging to this thread of being his romantic partner? I know at a certain point in life when you have a ton of responsibilities for a business, employees, etc., the idea of being single is daunting. And when would you have time and inclination to seek another partner? But magic occasionally happens, even when you least expect it--and there are lots of good people out there who would treat you well if you decided at some point that you did want to date again.

I don't know if you're doing therapy right now, but if I were in your shoes, I would call for an appointment tomorrow. I'm no longer in crisis in my relationship, but I check in with my therapist on a monthly basis. It keeps me from burdening my friends with my anecdotes of all the crazy sh!t my husband says and does, and even that's getting better these days.

Best of luck, Cat.

[formflier]

To follow up to Cat's post.  I think a T could help you be certain about your priorities.

I see tow big ones that normal people would have trouble with.  

Romantic partner and business partner.

Again... .healthy people find that a challenge.

I don't see how both can survive with BPD in the mix.

I also wouldn't dare presume to suggest which one you should pick as number one... .or the only one that you pursue.

I think a T could assist you in being sure you have sorted through your feelings and have made a choice you can live with.

Cat... .good to "see" you!  Went horseback riding with D11 a couple weeks ago!

D20 has our horses out west for couple years here.  Horse withdrawal is pretty bad for D11.

FF