She's treating me like I'm invisible

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi guys... .I'm in a relationship with a Bipolar and BPD woman for the past 6 months.

Lately things seem to keep getting worse and worse. She's always had a problem since when we first started dating about being on the phone all the time on social media. But now when we see each other, she barely looks at me, much less have a conversation where she's fully invested in and looking at me, I have to repeat myself, sometimes more then 3 times, she won't let me get close to her to hug her or kiss her half the time, she gets mad at me, tells me to get away from her and sometimes pushes me when I try to.

She takes medication and goes to therapy. I'v been with her in therapy a few times and I tried to talk about this, but she says it's all in my head and I'm too clingy... .But she only talks to me when she wants something or she wants to talk to me. She doesn't give me attention on the phone or in person, it's beyond frustrating, she makes me feel invisible.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how long more I can put up with this. She either doesn't care or doesn't realize what she does.

When we see each other it's like this: Wake up, she doesn't let me get close, doesn't tell me good morning or lets me hug her, I give her breakfast in bed, she eats then stays on the phone, we leave to go out, she's on the phone in the car, we go eat lunch, she's on the phone, we go to the mall or do something else and she's on the phone or checking the stores or anything else but me, it's like anything is more interesting then me.

Suggestions? Has anyone had problems with their partner on the phone all the time?

[Hlinthewiking]

Hi guys... .I'm in a relationship with a Bipolar and BPD woman for the past 6 months.

Lately things seem to keep getting worse and worse. She's always had a problem since when we first started dating about being on the phone all the time on social media. But now when we see each other, she barely looks at me, much less have a conversation where she's fully invested in and looking at me, I have to repeat myself, sometimes more then 3 times, she won't let me get close to her to hug her or kiss her half the time, she gets mad at me, tells me to get away from her and sometimes pushes me when I try to.

She takes medication and goes to therapy. I'v been with her in therapy a few times and I tried to talk about this, but she says it's all in my head and I'm too clingy... .But she only talks to me when she wants something or she wants to talk to me. She doesn't give me attention on the phone or in person, it's beyond frustrating, she makes me feel invisible.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how long more I can put up with this. She either doesn't care or doesn't realize what she does.

When we see each other it's like this: Wake up, she doesn't let me get close, doesn't tell me good morning or lets me hug her, I give her breakfast in bed, she eats then stays on the phone, we leave to go out, she's on the phone in the car, we go eat lunch, she's on the phone, we go to the mall or do something else and she's on the phone or checking the stores or anything else but me, it's like anything is more interesting then me.

Suggestions? Has anyone had problems with their partner on the phone all the time?

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[Gumiho]

Hey~
Hmm I'd vaguely guess we're talking about two different things. Spaced-outness (just posted about that here) and withholding affection... .It would really be nice, if there was an uniform trigger to snap pwBPD out of it.

Anyways I think it depends on the individual.
My gf is usually so focused on calls (and she's a frequent caller), it's an opportunity for me to snatch some much needed affection, she otherwise would withhold.

... .she says it's all in my head and I'm too clingy... .But she only talks to me when she wants something or she wants to talk to me ... .

Truly frustrating.
Imagine this scenery, we sit in a stuffed full coffeeshop and everybody around us is talking vividly. Gf and me don't talk at all; gf engrossed in her spaced outness either does something with her phone. It's so awkward, if I tried to talk to her, her attention span is quasi nil. If she got a phone call she snaps out of it and babbles away like a waterfall D:

She often blames it on language barrier, claiming it's tiring to speak in my language, not so in Korean. And I believed that too, even if she fluently speaks my language. Now I think it's more a tool of distancing? Not sure.

[Hlinthewiking]

My gf doesn't like talking on the phone at all and we probably only spoke on the phone 2-3 times since we met, just for me to tell her I was arriving at her location. The times I tried calling her to have a conversation she either didn't answer or hung up.

When she's on the phone she's playing games or mostly on Instagram, Facebook or even taking pictures of herself.

At least you can talk to her on the phone then. I can't even talk to her most of the time on text/social media and her attention seeking public posts really set me off and make me unconfortable and anxious. Sometimes depressive/suicidal posts, sometimes flirtish or unaproppriate pictures...

I had never taken Clonazepam before I met her, now I keep 2 on my wallet every day.

[isilme]

Can I ask her age?  At 40, I am not as easily engrossed in my phone, but a very close friend in her 30s, even when engaged in conversation, has a need to check her phone and respond to every snapchat, every insta post, message, etc that comes in.  So some of this is simply being a young woman in the modern era, I think. 

That said, H has always had a weird feeling about non-sexual physical affection.  And the BPD push/pull I know makes that much worse.  I grew up literally starved for acceptance and affection.  So when we started dating I soo much wanted to hang on him, hug, kiss, hold hands, all the time.  He would usually pull away, claimed I made him claustrophobic, self-conscious, whatever.  I had to guage when I could hug him wihtout it irritating him.  There were acceptable moments, like wathcing TV and sitting or laying side by side that were okay.  Holding hands was usually a no no, but I could hold his arm.  It was all just on his terms, and I was so young, inexperienced, and codependent I did not see it as weird.  I figured it was some failing on my part to need/want affection so much.  And yes, it' had hit me time to time it was not fair that he was only able to offer affection when HE needed it, but could not commit to the same for me. 

Talking on the phone has never been much of an issue, but we also started dating before either of u had cell phones :P

20 years later, he wants me to sit with him on the couch and gets sad if I abandon HIM to read a book, to message friends myself, or to simply browse Pinterest to relax.  I think we have finally hit a good middle ground where we are usually both happy in this regard, but I know you don't want to wait 2 decades to get there.

Witholding affection makes the pwBPD feel in charge, and safe.  YOU can't control THEM.  hey are calling the shots and will be as close or as far as their current emotions need.  They have let you into the first door.  You are the SO.  But to make sure you can't trigger thier fear of abandonment, they keep you at arm's length.  So you are there - yay.  Now, stay where I want you until I need you, and don't complain or make me feel abd about it.  My feelings are the "right" ones and yours are just needy.