Completely Heartbroken

[J9997]

Hi everyone, I'm new to break ups and everything so this is going to be a long sad story unfortunately.
I've broke up from my girlfriend around about 6 weeks ago now and pretty much broke contact 5 weeks. After about 1 year and a half. It's been a tough tough break up for me unfortunately as it's my first love and first relationship, first everything really.
Bit about myself I'm 23 suffer from OCD and a bit sensitive and weak tbh. My ex is 19 suffers from BPD (borderline personality) and has been in and out of psychiatric wards for the past few months. We had a really good relationship for a year and had no problems. Her mum was quite involved but my ex has a child (nearly 2). She got beaten by her parents and me and my family moved her in with us to look after her and her child. I brought him up really alone due to her stress and BPD she would hit him and abuse him and couldn't handle him at all so we had to send her back home. She got sent to a psychiatric ward and finally got an official diagnosis. She left hospital and instantly when clubbing and cheated on me. Since that day unfortunately I went downhill with paranoia and due to my OCD I asked a lot of questions, not to hurt her just to stop the pain. The father of the child has taken her to court for her child and caused her stress and her mum made her homeless because she couldn't handle her anger which caused her to go back in the psychiatric Ward. All of these were failed overdoses. Since I've been with her she's had at least 10 and that's through stress of the child unfortunately.
I visited her everyday in hospital and because she moved back home I had to get a 4 hour train journey after work and spent everyday doing so. Cost me a fortune but she was a mess and I took her food, clothes, money everything when her family and friends wouldn't. The doctors thanked me for being there for her and her nurses said she only got up for me and did nothing until I came. I had one argument with her 6 weeks ago about her lying because I found out she was talking to guys through someone else and I got upset and I was paranoid already after the cheating. She blocked me with no reason for a break up told everyone she wants to go clubbing and live that life and get more friends. I accepted that with sadness and she told me she no longer loved me but two days later told her friends she did. So I asked her friends to ask her why she really let me go and she said I controlled her after she cheated and stressed her which wasn't true.

But after all this and with my OCD for 6 weeks I can't eat, I can't sleep, I feel false guilt, I hate being hated, I've lost someone I love and it's just all been for nothing. Literally I fought and fought for her and I just feel abandoned. It's the worst I've felt in my life and I have nowhere to turn because everyone thinks I can shake it off and get over it.
I just want her to realise all I did for her and come back but I know she won't now. She's posting on Facebook about how happy and stress free she is now. I've stopped looking because it makes me worse haha

I realise the chances are she will never come back because she hates me and sees me as evil and controlling but I just wonder if you think she will ever remember who I was and realise who I was to her.

Thank you and sorry for the long message.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

From what you have said I think you belong here; you will fit in; your situation is like a lot of the  other members. Mostly we are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD.  They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that are important.

It sounds like you have a lot going on and have been dealing with it the best that you could. Are you seeing a therapist for your OCD and paranoia?

It is important to learn all that you can about BPD. Not only does it give you the best chance to save the relationship if the situation arrives, but it also helps you understand more about what has been happening.

Reading the posts of others here will help you gain a great deal of insight and let you know that you are not alone. Please feel free to post - tell us more about what is going on your life and what, if any, plans you might have for the future. It helps. I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dearest J9997- (please forgive the length of this response)

I want to welcome you to our family and tell you that I believe you are a truly remarkable young man.  This board is a very safe space.  You can say anything you need to say here, and people will give you good support.  A lot of our friends here have had experiences somewhat similar to yours, so you won't feel quite so alone.

You have been through an awful lot, J.  Let me acknowledge that first.  I also MUST say, you are much stronger than you think.  You say you are "weak". NO.  You are NOT weak.  A weak man would NEVER have done one iota of what you have done to help your former girlfriend.  Please see that.  You have a beautiful soul.  And although you feel spent, exhausted and so sad now, you are going to heal and come out of this stronger.  Please Allow yourself that vision.

You have been through a very traumatic experience, and it's not surprising that you're having trouble eating and sleeping.  For over a year and a half, your focus has been on two other people - your girlfriend and her baby.  You put yourself third... .  way on the back burner! 

In order for you to heal, you need to learn to put yourself first, NOT EASY, I know.  It does sound as if your family does love you very much, and CAN be supportive.  You say that they allowed your ex-GF and her child to move into your family's home until that became unmanageable.  Please tell them you need their support and patience now as you work through this healing process. 

I think I understand that your family, and maybe your friends may be basically telling you to "shake it off "?  We know that's not realistic.  Perhaps tell them that you are working on some self-reflection and understanding, so if they can just be gentle with you, that would help in your recovery. 

Self-care has to be your number one priority.  This may sound like I'm simplifying things, but in practice, it does work, my dear J. 

1.  First of all, please go for walks.  That is just plain GOOD for your soul.  Put some music on your head.  Now don't laugh (I'm way older than you!) but to soothe myself, I actually listen to music from my MOM'S generation!  Frank Sinatra!  This quiets all the noise that knocks around in my head.  Or some good American country music. And then I find myself singing.  Yep, right there along the street or seaside when I'm walking.

2.  I literally have to MAKE myself eat.  I will do this because after my divorce, I was threatened with hospitalization if I didn't gain weight.  You don't WANT that and neither do I.  You'll eventually get to the point where you'll feel the food start to "power" your body.  You WANT that feeling, J.

3.  I need to point something out to you.  Asking questions after she cheated has ZERO to do with paranoia, my dear J.  That is a NORMAL reaction!  Cheating is a severe betrayal of trust.  Betrayal of trust raises questions, which in my book, the betrayer is then obligated to answer if she/he is wanting to right the ship.  I know this from personal experience with my ex-husband.  Years ago, before we married, he cheated on me.  He came clean, called the woman in my presence (he had me on the other phone extension) and told her he wanted to stay with me and to please stay out of our lives.  It was at that time, one of the most painful events of my life.  I was in no way paranoid, but you bet I asked questions!

But here's the deal, J.  I married him after that.  Was with him for 19 years.  I am the most trusting soul in the world.  I don't know how to be any other way.  Most of my married years were happy... .until he threw me across the room.  We have now been divorced for almost 5 years.  I don't care anymore how many times he deceived his marriage vows.  That doesn't define me.  It's HIS burden, not mine.  But there's a lesson in there somewhere, right?

4.  The doctors and nurses at the hospital KNEW how special you are and how much your visits meant to your girlfriend during her confinement and treatment.  They acknowledged that to you.  Breathe that in, if you will.  Those people are wise and conscious.  Your family and your friends, and WE know the good things that you did.  The deep love that you gave - in words and in actions.

Unfortunately many people with BPD or BPD Traits don't have the awareness, emotional maturity or  selfLESSness to acknowledge the kindness and love GIVEN To them.  There seems to be something crossed in the emotional brain wiring, that no matter how hard we try, our eyes will be met with blank stares.  And it seems to be something they don't "grow out of" as they age... .unless they personally do some REALLY HARD WORK.  And we can't make them.  Nightclubs don't offer that therapy.

I'm so sad to say this, J, but you likely won't get the acknowledgement from her that you deserve.  That unfortunately is another thing you'll need to put behind you.  But I am pretty certain that if her child's father knows anything about you, he is probably very thankful to you for protecting that little boy the way you did.

I am glad that you recognize the importance of distancing yourself from her social media.  I can't stress enough the importance of doing all you can to take care of yourself now.  Please try to avoid things that heighten your sadness.

Are you seeing a therapist now?  It may be something to consider if that's a comfortable thought.

Please continue posting and say some more about your mindset regarding your openness about returning to the relationship.  Keep in mind that you DO have a say in whether you go back in if she opens that door, OK?  There are so many helpful articles on this forum, and I encourage you to read and learn what you can about BPD.  If you were to re-enter the relationship, you may want to do so with some boundaries so that certain behaviors are not repeated.  I don't know... .maybe you'd want to see her doing work on herself first?

My dear J.  You are going to be OK.  I remember this one day when I was 24, a loong time ago.  I had to attend a funeral and then a birthday party, one right after the other.  Both for people very close to me, and I wondered how on earth I was going to handle my emotions, I am very sensitive and was devastated at the funeral.  I waited for everyone to leave the church, went into the loo, fixed my face.  Then I sat in my air-conditioned car for about a half hour, music blasting, eyes closed, cried again, body rocking, eventually started singing, fixed my make-up again and went to the party as happy me.  When I got home that night, I thought about the day... .this is by design.  The world and its spinning are not on MY axis.  I have to spin.  That's the day I learned to compartmentalize.  We can have our deep emotions and still function well.  Deal with what we have to, and still contribute.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[J9997]

Hi to you both and thank you both so much for taking your time to reply to me. Also thank you for welcoming me, it feels nice to finally be able to talk about things.

 I've been dealing with this alone apart from my parents so it's kind of hurting me a lot. I haven't seen a therapist for a long time for my OCD. It used to be so severe and tbh when she came along it disappeared for a long long time. It was like I took her problems with me instead and I let go of mine. Unfortunately I obsess quite severely and now the thought process of me doing wrong to her and being evil has become my new obsession. I seek that craving of answers in my head and I look back and back into the relationship to find every error I made. Even if I put my shoes in the wrong place and she didn't like it, I will obsess about it and make myself worse.

There's a lot more that I did for he really that I could go on for a long time about and it makes me sad to know I gave everything and it's just been forgotten really. That's no fault of hers and I forgive that and I know it's unlikely I will ever get anything back from it.

My parents are amazing people as well for taking both of them in when she was at her worst.

Some of your stories are really inspiring. It just shows how as humans we have to portray ourselves in a way to not just please oneself but everyone around us. We all suffer but we all carry on everyday.


It's weird the happiness we had with each other but it just disappears like that. She is getting help and I made sure of it, I pushed it so much with doctors, her parents, everyone I begged them to help her. I messaged the father of the child after she broke up with me and begged him to not stress her about child custody and he stopped but she'll never know that was me.

It's been a really long journey with her, my first relationship and my first love. She was everything to me and I would love her to come back so we could really have a big talk about her. I sat and talked to the doctors about her BPD and he explained how in all her life she will struggle from time to time and could possibly be in and out of hospital. He said to me could I give my life for someone really that I may get nothing back from and I said for her absolutely. Next day she dumped me but we had a little argument about her lying and talking to some guy.

I got blocked not dumped, literally blocked me on everything and gave me no reason. I had to text her mum for her to tell me she doesn't love me no more and thinks I put her in hospital caused all her stress and controlled her

[J9997]

It's strange because she only would rely on me. She'd only let me visit her in hospital, I was the only one who could stop her being aggressive or violent. Doctors would beg me to come help stop her being held down by security guards and I had to stop it. I was the only one who could calm with a hug or just my tears would stop her. It's just how does that all stop all of a sudden like this.

[J9997]

When she broke up with me I didn't even know so I asked her friends if they could see if she was okay and why she broke up with me. It was all controlling, bringing her down, stress etc so I got called "sick" by her friends and I argued back. I defended myself saying cheating makes you paranoid but she said I was like it before which is a lie. So they called me evil and sick so I told them about what she did to her son about hitting him and I did everything to protect him and they told her I said that so they think I'm even more sick and a liar

[Gemsforeyes]

I know this is devastating for you and so hard to understand, how when you poured your heart and soul into someone, and you were there every step of the way to love and help her and then BOOM, Without warning, you are split black and simply left to pick up the pieces of your heart.  That is devastating.  It is hard to find any explanation for the outcome.  Hard to look back and figure out what you could have done to have a DIFFERENT outcome.

J, my friend.  You did so MUCH MORE than most people on the planet would or could do.  It takes a very special person to do what you did for her.  Your family knows that; the doctors and nurses know that; I'm betting her child's father DEFINITELY knows that, those of us on this forum know that; one day you'll know that; maybe in thirty years, SHE'LL know that; and as her friends mature, they'll know that.

BPD's can be by nature VERY VERY selfish.  Life with them can be all-consuming, but you know that.  And please realize... .your ex-girlfriend is 19 years old - by definition, still a teenager.  I encourage you to read posts of other members here. id also encourage you to read the articles about BPD.  Those will help you better understand the disorder.

I am so sorry to say, but with many of these people, they do NOT have the feelings we do.  They just don't.  We don't want to do a character assault on her, but she sounds like a pretty extreme case.   It is important for you to really understand that you did everything you could to help her.  And now you need to help yourself.

Here's one question to ask yourself - this is a young woman who hits and abuses her little helpless child.  Is this the kind of person you would want as the mama for YOUR future child?

J, I understand you have OCD.  And that must be so challenging for you to deal with.  Please try to use whatever tools are available to you, maybe get back with your therapist, so that you are NOT punishing yourself for the end of this relationship.  It is NOT your fault.  It is NOT your fault.

Please focus on the positive that happened.  You know you CAN be in a relationship.  Take this space and time to focus on yourself.  YOU deserve to be with a truly loving woman who appreciates the goodness in you.  Your ex-girlfriend unfortunately does not.  She does not have the maturity or the depth.  What she did to you, she probably did to her child's father and she will continue to do.  

As you begin your journey of healing, detachment and understanding, you WILL come to understand this.  You just need to allow yourself the space to detach and heal.  I cannot tell you what to do, I can only suggest things so that your sadness and pain won't be heightened.  I believe It would be best for you to stop contacting her friends and family.  Communicate with people who are supportive of YOU.  Now is the time to take care of YOU.  Please give that a good try.  You deserve to be happy.

[J9997]

Thank you for those words, it's really nice to finally have people to talk and understand her. I know I need to let go and heal and it will take me a lot more time with my obsessional behaviour. It'll always be tough to understand and think about for the rest of my life how someone can just disappear like that

No I wouldn't ever let her have my children unfortunately I realised that a long long time ago. Child services don't allow her to live or go alone with her current child due to her behaviour. I think the chances of her being allowed another child are really low sadly.

I've talked to the father and he never said thank you for what I did, nobody has until now. She took everything for granted. He told me she was the same with him and untrustworthy to the point he had to let her go. This was before we knew she had BPD

I know she'll continue to do what she did forever and it seems extremely unlikely that any guys would stick around to deal with it. They won't stay up all night on the phone to keep her calm, visit her in hospital, fix her scars after she cut herself, stand in the way as she throws things at her son, spend thousands on giving them food, shelter and a happy life. Nobody will do it again but I know for sure that the next guy will struggle really badly.

I haven't talked to her friends family or anyone for 6 weeks. I've kept away from them all after she told me to leave her alone. It's quite sad to know that she threw away everything I bought her and deleted all pictures and memories. Is that normal with BPD? I know out of sight out of mind is a good technique but I don't know if if she deleted them out of hatred

I know she struggled with her last breakups compared to this one but she was dumped by them so it's like abandoned for people with BPD am I right?

I appreciate everything you said and I will seek help I think, I need to otherwise my brain will be overwhelmed with all this emotion.

Just one question is it normal for people with BPD to go back and "recycle".

I kind of want her to because I know all these friends are false friends who she hasn't talked to for years. She hates her parents and I fear she'll be alone soon without nobody

I never liked her saying she loved me more than her son or she never wanted him in the first place. I knew from that day there was something different about her.

[J9997]

I genuinely know she's no good for me and could practicality destroy me but knowing she's with someone else will destroy me. I know she's got no care for me now and I'm the enemy and trigger to her problems so I'd never hurt her or attempt to go back. If she comes to me I don't know how I'd feel but I know more about her and her illness to take a step back and question it

She is very extreme for BPD, her reactions to stress are incredibly bad. Even little thinks like losing a credit card caused her to attack a 1 year old and destroy his toys.

Chances are I'll never see her again and that is a massive sadness to me

[J9997]

Another update.

After unblocking me on Facebook I've noticed she's added all her exes. Is this normal like behaviour for someone with BPD? Like she is seeking attention from them now she is back single. One of these she claims raped her but is now adding him on Facebook, it's quite worrying really

[Meili]

Hey J9997,

First, I'd like you to know that people are reading your words and we are not ignoring you. Things get busy and sometimes people just don't know how to respond. But, this thread has been read 127 times. We are hearing you.

Anyway, back to you question... .

You've asked a couple of times is something is normal for a pwBPD. While there are a number of commonalities between pwBPD and our stories, BPD is a spectrum disorder and therefore there isn't really a "norm."

But, yes, trying to rekindle some sort of relationship is common. What is more common however is the pwBPD reaching out to "test the waters" so to speak.

It will help you understand all of this better if you learn all that you can about BPD. Understanding your partner's behaviors is a good place to start with that.

When you start to understand why pwBPD act the way that they do, it is easier to be less emotional about the situation and the obsessive thinking begins to go away.

It also really helps to take care of yourself. What are you doing for you that makes you happy?

[J9997]

Thank you for your reply. I know people are really busy on here and some people deserve and need more urgent help. I'm so glad I can get the support on here I need though. On other forums I expressed my feelings and got 200 views without response and it just made me feel worse.

I see I didn't realise that people could still be so different with the disorder.

I didn't think it would be too common. Currently my ex is doing a lot of things to keep busy such as talking to other guys, partying and music festivals with people she's never met before which is worrying. Is this some sort of way of managing her emotions by keeping busy.

I shall have a look thank you.

And I'm trying to keep busy by surrounding myself with people and doing stuff I used to enjoy. It's quite difficult but sometimes I find myself not thinking. I seem to think most when I am sleeping

[Meili]

Yes, it is very common to avoid emotions by keeping busy, and that applies to everyone not just pwBPD.

I think that many people, again not just those with BPD, seek attention after a relationship ends so that he/she can feel better about him/herself.

That being said, pwBPD experience emotions more intensely than others, so they can do more extreme things to avoid dealing with the emotions.

[J9997]

Sometimes I think it can be a bad idea to not deal with our emotions. It can leave a bit more of a mental scar in the future.

Yeah she does that quite a lot and by going partying and music festivals every week I think she's trying to keep her mind flowing to stop the wondering.
I think it's worked quite well for her in 2 months. I've heard nothing from her so I imagine she's over me quite quickly

Yeah I've seen her do many extreme things such as overdoses, cutting, attacking people, throwing things, smashing things, asking for alcohol/drugs, cheating etc

[Meili]

I'm not sure what you mean by not dealing with our emotions. If you are talking about trying to suppress them and not feel, then I agree that it is harmful.

[J9997]

Yeah that's what I'm talking about and I feel that's what she's doing by partying trying to forget and surprise the feelings do they build up and gradually get worse. I try to cry out my emotion so I don't feel any longer

[J9997]

Is me trying to talk to her after 7 weeks a really bad idea?

[Meili]

I suppose that it really depends on what you are trying to accomplish by reaching out to her and what expectations you have regarding th3 communication.

[J9997]

Just in general to see how she is. I spent a lot of time with her son so I'd like to know if he's doing okay. He's nearly 2 so I'd love to know how he's progressing. I'd also like to know how her therapy is working.

I know she hates me but I don't expect her to come running back and I'm not contacting her to make her want to be in a relationship with me again.

I'd like that in the long run but I certainly don't expect it

[Zemmma]

Sad story. I am sorry you are going through all of this.

To answer the question about adding ex's on facebook... I don't know if it is typical, but my BPDex did that immediately after dumping (during one of his many, many breakups). When we were together he finally got them off of there, and the day he dumped me he added them all back. Brutal.

I noticed immediately and asked how he could be so cruel. He made some excuse but basically told me he did it out of spite. He is very spiteful. Angry inside. And I cannot fathom the source of his anger most times. He says its me, but that just doesn't fit.

Facebook was such a terrible place for us that we finally decided not to be "friends" on there. Too much jealousy, suspicion and what seemed to be inappropriate interactions.

Don't open her page. If you do, remember, she is very aware of what you can and can't see. You will be a consideration in what she posts there likely. Don't play that game. Don't even look.

[J9997]

Hi,

Yeah it is a sad story but unfortunately it's true and I wish every single day it wasn't at all.

Yeah it seems to be a spite thing but she had me blocked so she had no reason unless she's testing to see if I am jealous and angry

She seems to be moving on hanging out with a guy more on pictures etc. I think it's time I just gave up and moved on now

[Meili]

Here's the thing though, what she may or may not be doing is not important. What you are doing is what is important.