When did you truly realized that its over?

[happendtome]

I think, deep in my heart, i knew right from the beginning when i got discarded that its over. But i was in great denial and started to fight, to prove everyone that its not. It didnt do any good or... .maybe, in fact it did... .if we are looking long term. In short term, however, my fights made my ex and my replacement even more connected. If i would have started simply ignoring her from that moment, then maybe she would have returned to me? I would have been recycled one more time? I guess thats something we never gone know now.

I was orbiting my ex some 5-6 months and then gave up. I said to myself, this game is played, you lost it, now get up and start building your own future. Good or bad, but your own!

It was 8-9 months ago when i did that decision. If she contacted me then i was polite, but i didnt ask any questions a la how shes doing and i didnt say anything what was going on in my life either. She became someone that i used to know from that moment. Last question from her was around 4 months ago. I have heard a bit whats going on her life from people who know her or my replacement. But nothing about that what shes thinking or planning. So she really is just someone that i used to know.

I think, if i wouldnt have gone to NC/LC i would have been still very much attached, so i see that my decision was actually right. And these last few months i finally realized that its over. TRULY OVER. If, hypothetically, there would be a time when she would try to recycle me i have enough stregth to say no.

It has been long journey, it hasnt ended yet. I havent healed completely, never will, as scars are left that will always remind me what was going on. But i can function and i can be happy. Im sure.

[Yaffle]

I've wanted things to improve or to get out for a long time but somehow just can't find the impetus to make the step but the the thing that convinced me how futile hanging around was when, one day during the holidays, she took the kids round to a school friends so they could have a play and she could have a glass of wine with the mother.   No set time on their return but i was sort of thinking 9pm or maybe 9.30 as it was the holidays (The kids are normally in bed at 8.30). 

Got to 9.30 and no sign so I text her.  Heard nothing.  10pm text again, still heard nothing.  10.30 same, 11 and 11.30 same.  Finally turns up at around midnight, very drunk.  For all I knew she could have collapsed walking home the state she was in and the kids would have been on their own.  Not even the courtesy of a text to say she was ok or I'm leaving now so I could check they were making their way home ok.  I realised then that I don't have a place in her cares.  All she wants is someone to blame when things go wrong.

[DazedD40]

When she gave me the silent treatment for no reason a few months ago and then when she broke it she called me to say, I'm not in love with you anymore!

I've clung on in there for dear life, trying, praying that we could turn our friends with benefits back in to the relationship we once had but she won't move an inch. Finally decided I had to bring things to an end and said I can't do this anymore. I told her I'm still in love with her and I've slowly but surely become depressed, anxious and emotionally bankrupt and I know I now need to let go and walk my own path. I hope that one day we can be friends and at the very least salvage that from the wreckage of our time together but for now I've got to make the decision to walk away, rebuild myself, become happy within and recover from the hellish pain I feel.

[Zemmma]

It was when he became cold to me during the recycles. They weren't real recycles. He was just using me for company and sex but made it clear (finally) that he was not interested in pursuing the relationship anymore because he said we "didn't work" and at this point he had told everyone it was over, and going back for the 100th time would be "silly and embarrassing." I realized I was soley there to meet his needs. He wanted it both ways. Suddenly the thing I was drawn to was not on offer anymore (his love, care, affection).

Seems like a silly little thing, but I told him about a film that I was looking forward to seeing, and waited to see it with him when I went over to his place. We didn't get to the end, and he said he wouldn't watch it until I could come back and see the rest with him. That night alone, as though in an act of defiance he just watched it without me. I was so disappointed at that moment, because it seemed to confirm what I had been feeling to that point. He was operating without me.

He told me sex and love were entirely different things (even with ME though? I understand casual sex, but with someone who you love/ loves you? Hardly casual). Said he was severely attracted to me but didn't want a r/s. He kept texting, inviting me over in the night, retracting the invites, saying he was busy, then suddenly free... Not considering me. Showing me and telling me everything he was working on and doing but not including me in it. He wasn't in but he wasn't out. Then he acted almost ANGRY that I didn't understand his "CRYSTAL CLEAR" message that he didn't want me anymore (while sleeping with me, making me meals, spending the weekend together, letting me buy him things and take him out to dinner, going out for drinks and pool), calling me for phone sex, texting around the clock. He turned on me for having a "tone" in my voice when I left a phone message- said our terrible r/s came flooding back through the tone in my voice, reminding him of all the times he wanted to leave.

Then I saw him on the street and he said I had "tracked him down." Seemed to feel like he was trapped in this. So I had to let him go. I told him to never contact me again in any way. No text, email, phone, What's app, chance meetings, checking in to see if I am okay, and no friendship. I told him I didn't want to go but he did, so I am leaving: "I am not sticking around for any further punishment." Surprised I did it, but I had to. He wasn't giving me anything of value anymore and I was feeling used. He hasn't responded since and probably won't. I didn't leave any room for him to return unless he is willing to try a real r/s with me again. And I know that's not what he wants. He is probably relieved. He has been fighting this inner battle about me for years.

I always thought he truly LOVED me but was too messed up emotionally to maintain the r/s. But once I felt the LOVE was gone, I couldn't be involved. And I was noticing how much my body reacting to even a text from him. It was poison, this up and down, in and out, push pull bull___.

I will always miss the feeling of him adoring me, knowing I felt that way too. I will always miss the intimacy and the amazing, perfect sex life. The only thing we agreed on.

[Lalathegreat]

I was in a relationship that had escalated from emotional manipulation and abuse to one that was "flirting" with physical abuse. (One evening he spit in my face and chased me across the parking lot of his apartment complex.) I knew that success was unlikely but could not seem to disconnect or give up hope that the man who had seemed so perfect in the honeymoon period would return to me.

I knew it was over when he threw his fist at me (as a threat, but extraordinarily intimidating) and then put his fist through the wall. He told me wanted to kill me and physically blocked me from leaving for almost an hour while he raged.

In some ways I'm grateful that he did something that made the right thing to do very obvious. I knew that I could never trust that I would be physically safe with him. I think if the abuse had remained strictly verbal that I would have hung in there until there was nothing left if myself to salvage and that thought is terrifying to me. However, knowing this was clearly what needed to happen hasn't made it emotionally easy. I have been absolutely crushed by the end of this relationship and the process of attempting to disconnect.

I feel like I am only now able to hope that I one day might feel normal again, in no small part because of the support from these boards.

[FSTL]

He was just using me for company and sex but made it clear (finally) that he was not interested in pursuing the relationship anymore. He wanted it both ways. Suddenly the thing I was drawn to was not on offer anymore (his love, care, affection).

 Said he was severely attracted to me but didn't want a r/s. He kept texting, inviting me over in the night, retracting the invites, saying he was busy, then suddenly free... Not considering me.  He wasn't in but he wasn't out. Then he acted almost ANGRY that I didn't understand his "CRYSTAL CLEAR" message that he didn't want me anymore (while sleeping with me, making me meals, spending the weekend together, letting me buy him things and take him out to dinner, going out for drinks and pool), calling me for phone sex, texting around the clock.
It was poison, this up and down, in and out, push pull
I will always miss the feeling of him adoring me, knowing I felt that way too. I will always miss the intimacy and the amazing, perfect sex life. The only thing we agreed on.

I can identify with virtually all of that - and I got the I want to have sex with you and I depend on you but I don't want a relationship with you speech. I remembers sitting with her at dinner at a really nice restaurant and she sat on the phone the whole night, except when she was asking me to compose her work emails for her.

Months later, she hits on me when we ran into each other. I show her some sympathy about some bereavements, spend a little more time with her, she then gets angry at the smallest slight and tells me I am holding her back (even though I am paying for her therapy and helping her through a bereavement). I got up from the table at that conversation and walked out. I have barely spoken to her since. She never said thank you for covering her therapy !

Much happier now without her and can see her so much clearer from a distance... .and I not longer pay for her therapy 

[talking rose]

I would say the one factor that put my over the edge of "let me try one last time to work on this" into "this is over" was when I found out about the smear campaign.  It was such a betrayal of trust on so many levels to hear back from friends and family so many things he said about me.  I don't think it's possible to come back from that.  That shift in my focus, realizing it's over, was the start of me also looking at all the other things he has done and was still doing (affairs, emotional abuse, physical abuse... .) and I saw everything from a different perspective.  Realizing it was over was so painful, yet so healthy for me. 

[hash89]

When she tried to recycle when I was more than willing, then she proceeded to call me a rapist and abusive, etc. Told her I was done with her and she texted me apologies for nearly everything I knew about and tried to kill herself. Afterwards she proceeded to tell mutual friends a several lies and they threatened to hurt my mother.

[balletomane]

My ex was shopping around for a new girlfriend while he was still with me. I didn't know this until he finally found one and told me in the most callous way I could have imagined that he was with her now: "I knew I had to tell you soon because you can read me like an open book." What, not because it's the right thing? Only because you're afraid I'd figure it out? When I said dazedly that this pain was like nothing I'd ever felt, he replied, "Well, I've had to spend most of my life alone. You'll get used to it." I was in a particularly vulnerable spot (I was living in his country, thousands of miles from my family and most of my friends, with a job that tied me to his country) and when I said that I wanted to feel that someone had my back in all this, he replied, "No one ever has your back." He was completely detached from my suffering. He reminded me of a scientist observing an experiment that had produced disappointing results - he stood up saying, "Well, this didn't go as well as I'd hoped." After that he barely talked to me, unless he'd argued with his new girlfriend (that happened very quickly) and he wanted comfort after self-harming.

I knew then that it was over. That even if his relationship with her broke down very fast (and I knew it was unlikely to last) I wouldn't take him back. I realised - and it was an incredibly painful realisation - that I could not love someone who had treated another person like this. I did not want to be with a person who was capable of it. I had spent two years making all sorts of excuses for his behaviour and now the excuses had finally run out.

[caughtnreleased]

I would say the hardest thing about a BPD relationship - and we don't really realize this - is that it is only truly over when YOU decide it is over. A BPD will rarely "leave" you. They will be with other people, they will replace you, they will ignore you, insult you, they will tell you they never want to see you again after stalking you and accuse you of stalking them, but they will never really 'end' it with you. The only way for a relationship to be truly over with a pwBPD is when you decide it's over. I have to admit that I struggle with this enormously. What he offered: constant triangulation and discard. So I had to end it. If I had not, it wouldn't be over and he would still be giving me those things.

[roberto516]

I would say the hardest thing about a BPD relationship - and we don't really realize this - is that it is only truly over when YOU decide it is over. A BPD will rarely "leave" you. They will be with other people, they will replace you, they will ignore you, insult you, they will tell you they never want to see you again after stalking you and accuse you of stalking them, but they will never really 'end' it with you. The only way for a relationship to be truly over with a pwBPD is when you decide it's over. I have to admit that I struggle with this enormously. What he offered: constant triangulation and discard. So I had to end it. If I had not, it wouldn't be over and he would still be giving me those things.

It's an interesting thought. My ex left me but in reality I left her first. I didn't come back right away. I told her I wanted to be with her still but I guess the out of sight out of mind and me holding firm to not caving in right away.

I knew it was over when she told HR at work we were no longer together. That's when I really knew. A recycle still happened and possible other recycles that I put a stop to. But that was the day I knew that we were officially done.

I knew we were done before that when I left her house woth all my stuff. I remember the ride home telling myself "this is it. You deserve better." Still led to on and off 6 months of begging from me bit it's when I deep down knew

[vaztek2003]

Today! Today is my birthday and this woman who I dated for 4 years, who broke up with me 3 months ago, who would text me at 12:00am on the dot did not even bother to reach out. I really dont get why it had to be such a bad ending, as I was always nice to her and treated her properly, never caused her problems... .yet she went silent after I informed her of how I felt for her and never looked back. Well, Im sure she even knows its her loss. Why does the end have to be so muddy? Even with a QuietBPD.

[balletomane]

I would say the hardest thing about a BPD relationship - and we don't really realize this - is that it is only truly over when YOU decide it is over. A BPD will rarely "leave" you. They will be with other people, they will replace you, they will ignore you, insult you, they will tell you they never want to see you again after stalking you and accuse you of stalking them, but they will never really 'end' it with you. The only way for a relationship to be truly over with a pwBPD is when you decide it's over. I have to admit that I struggle with this enormously. What he offered: constant triangulation and discard. So I had to end it. If I had not, it wouldn't be over and he would still be giving me those things.

This is exactly how it was in my situation. I didn't see it at first. I went NC about six weeks after my ex cheated on me/discarded me, because my own mental health demanded it - I knew I could not even begin to heal from this if I still had one eye on Facebook chat, hoping he would speak to me and show some sign of care or kindness. And for a long time I regretted not being stronger and walking away while I still could, instead of waiting until my spine snapped and I was forced to crawl away. Now, looking back, I see that I did have a choice there and I made it. I didn't crawl. I left with dignity.

I knew all his previous relationships had ended in flames. I knew he had also lost good friends. I didn't know if he had been the one to sever contact or if they had, but I thought it was him, so during our relationship I lived in fear of him disappearing on me. Now I know that he would never disappear. He would continue dishing out his behaviour for as long as I was willing to take it. He would rant at me for hours at a time, until I was wreck, tell me how much he hated me and how he would never let me touch him again - but he never cut contact. While for a long time I thought he was the one who had ended things and I was powerless, now I know that the decision to let it go was mine.