Wife with BPD makes false accusations, Family is ignorant of her mental state

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post to a board and I am in need of information, support, knowledge, etc.
I was not aware that my wife had been diagnosed with BPD or Bipolar when we met or got married.

sorry this is a little long

My wife and I met over 2 years ago, dated for a year. I knew she had a difficult childhood with sexual abuse from an uncle, a mother that didn't engage in her well being, and an abusive controlling ex-husband, who is the father of their daughter.  Through the relationship we have worked through many subjects and anger from the past... I have dealt with (poorly in the beginning, much better now) her anger and outburst. Over the 2 years with counseling and talking I have an amazing wife... I love her.  The one major item that never seemed to workout was the triggering of anger by her ex-husband and father of their daughter... I also was unaware of her BPD , bipolar diagnosis as a teen, again in early 20's, and recently from the help we were seeking as a family.

This recent Mothers day my wife had a major blowup with her ex the week before. She had come to me upset, scared and said we needed help. I assured her we would be ok and asked about the conversation. She expressed that she said the wrong things and really messed up. 
The next day she completely erased her phone... factory reset.
We had a great mothers day... except she insisted I pick up my step daughter... I love doing except I never go alone because the issues with the ex...   but I did...
Monday after mothers day.  My wife had been drinking after work... and brought home a 6 pack and drank some more... (it was supose to be for us and a friend, we did have any)... at 8 OM her ex texted and said that their daughter (8) didnt want to talk to her. and refused taking my wife's calls... finally answering saying that as long as we were together he would keep the daughter from us... .   
At this point my wife started to spiral out ouf control... I have 2 options usually at this point. 1 try talking with her and calming her down... or 2 do the best I can and then leave and go for a walk...   That Night I had to choose option 2...   My wife became out of control upset and started directing her anger at me. Claiming it was my fault...   At the time we had a foreign grad student living with us...   He and I left the house to give her space... She called and ask us to stay out for a few hours to give her space... So we did...   Texting her later to see how she was and if she needed anything.  Her response was she was fine and going out with her friend...

That was the last Ive seen her...   4 days later I find out the following.   what happened that night is after we left about an hour later she called 911 and claimed her Ex-Husband was assaulting her, and she had gash on her head...   Police came... .she refused treatment and had her frind take her to get stitches...   This was the same time I was texting with her...
3 days later she had me served with a Protection Order...   After her ex-husband threatened her with felony charges for false reporting, and he was going to take away her daughter... .  she made up some big story about the night...

So this is where I am stuck.

She followed her ex-husbands orders. and moved out to her families.
The family did the bandwagon thing and is protecting her. (from me)
None of them know about her Mental diagnosis and triggers. In fact I am just learning of them form reading through our medical records.
She has expressed she doesn't remember how she got the cut. and the family refuses to entertain the idea that she needs help...  

I love my wife...   But I have no idea how to work with her family, get them to listen... or if there is anything I can even do at this point...

Lost in BPD LOVE...  

[BASE4LIFE]

This is my first post to a board and I am in need of information, support, knowledge, etc.
I was not aware that my wife had been diagnosed with BPD or Bipolar when we met or got married.

sorry this is a little long

My wife and I met over 2 years ago, dated for a year. I knew she had a difficult childhood with sexual abuse from an uncle, a mother that didn't engage in her well being, and an abusive controlling ex-husband, who is the father of their daughter.  Through the relationship we have worked through many subjects and anger from the past... I have dealt with (poorly in the beginning, much better now) her anger and outburst. Over the 2 years with counseling and talking I have an amazing wife... I love her.  The one major item that never seemed to workout was the triggering of anger by her ex-husband and father of their daughter... I also was unaware of her BPD , bipolar diagnosis as a teen, again in early 20's, and recently from the help we were seeking as a family.

This recent Mothers day my wife had a major blowup with her ex the week before. She had come to me upset, scared and said we needed help. I assured her we would be ok and asked about the conversation. She expressed that she said the wrong things and really messed up. 
The next day she completely erased her phone... factory reset.
We had a great mothers day... except she insisted I pick up my step daughter... I love doing except I never go alone because the issues with the ex...   but I did...
Monday after mothers day.  My wife had been drinking after work... and brought home a 6 pack and drank some more... (it was supose to be for us and a friend, we did have any)... at 8 OM her ex texted and said that their daughter (8) didnt want to talk to her. and refused taking my wife's calls... finally answering saying that as long as we were together he would keep the daughter from us... .   
At this point my wife started to spiral out ouf control... I have 2 options usually at this point. 1 try talking with her and calming her down... or 2 do the best I can and then leave and go for a walk...   That Night I had to choose option 2...   My wife became out of control upset and started directing her anger at me. Claiming it was my fault...   At the time we had a foreign grad student living with us...   He and I left the house to give her space... She called and ask us to stay out for a few hours to give her space... So we did...   Texting her later to see how she was and if she needed anything.  Her response was she was fine and going out with her friend...

That was the last Ive seen her...   4 days later I find out the following.   what happened that night is after we left about an hour later she called 911 and claimed her Ex-Husband was assaulting her, and she had gash on her head...   Police came... .she refused treatment and had her frind take her to get stitches...   This was the same time I was texting with her...
3 days later she had me served with a Protection Order...   After her ex-husband threatened her with felony charges for false reporting, and he was going to take away her daughter... .  she made up some big story about the night...

So this is where I am stuck.

She followed her ex-husbands orders. and moved out to her families.
The family did the bandwagon thing and is protecting her. (from me)
None of them know about her Mental diagnosis and triggers. In fact I am just learning of them form reading through our medical records.
She has expressed she doesn't remember how she got the cut. and the family refuses to entertain the idea that she needs help...  

I love my wife...   But I have no idea how to work with her family, get them to listen... or if there is anything I can even do at this point...

Lost in BPD LOVE...  

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[Mutt]

Hi BASE4LIFE,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds like an incredibly difficult night, I think that you did the best that you could do considering the circumstances, I don't think that anything could have been done considering her state that evening.

I love my wife...  But I have no idea how to work with her family, get them to listen... or if there is anything I can even do at this point...

Lost in BPD LOVE...  

You could read as much as you can about BPD, it helps with normalizing the behaviour and it helps with depersonalizing the behaviours, a pwBPD are similar to HSP ( highly sensitive people ) and are hyper sensitive to rejection, I think that was probably something that was at the top of your wife's thoughts that evening. It's something that our pwBPD are going through and it's not personal to us.

I agree with you, I don't think that it's in your best interest with approaching her family because family tend to be loyal and you don't want to get caught in several drama triangles. Have you consulted with a L? ( lawyer) Of so, what did your L say?

[BASE4LIFE]

I have consulted with a lawyer. I had to hire one to defend the Civil Protection order she had placed on me.  She moved out of the house as agreed and let the order drop after 5 weeks...   I came home to a destroyed house, EVERYTHING GONE, and neighbors that now think I am a wife beater and substance abuser.  She has done a great job of setting everything up for her to be the VICTIM.  We have not talked since that day and unfortunately she is trying to push harder on other false accusations against me.
 
She has admitted to people that she had to make a deal with her husband to try and save custody of her daughter.  He has threatened to kill me and assaulted her in our home last year.  He also filed forged custody docs and took my SO daughter away.

I feel that she has no hope except to do what he says. Even though history has shown that he wont hold true to his promise/demands...   I'm even afraid to email her about the divorce papers that she requested, I filled out for her, and has not responded, sent back, or filed...

The law enforcement, DV detectives, the courts...   They don't want to read, or see, or think about this in a mental disorder way... They tell me anything I do is retaliation and I could be charged with a felony.

I have started going to 2 counselors... 1 for my own heartbreak and 1 that deals with BPD / BP people and couples... to try to understand all this better...   I agree that she felt abandoned, threatened, etc...   but that is no excuse for her behavior...
Sad part that 3 weeks before mothers day she admitted that she needed professional help and started the search for a outpatient treatment...   It just didn't happen soon enough.

I have been trying to keep my head up, hopes up, and accept that I may just have to move on...   but that's not what my heart wants...   and she wont talk... .
BASE4LIFE

[Mutt]

I'm sorry that you're through this, it has to feel devastating finding your home weekend and surrounded by suspicious neighbors.

I am glad to hear that you're getting help from two T's, lean on as many resources as possible during difficult periods like this. I completely understand feeling conflicted about all of this, I'm getting the impression that this was building up? Has she gone radio silent like this in the past or is this something that you haven't seen before?