my only option is to forget all about how badly you just hurt me and find a way to make your hurt go away.
I know it can feel this way, but no. You are allowed to feel hurt. You are also allowed to refuse to own another person's hurt when you did not actually cause it. I find I have to put some things into the "BPD basket". Anything in the BPD basket I work to not allow to hurt me, and also work to not try to fix - it's the BPD talking and walking, not the part of H I can communicate with. BPD is part of him, but it's not the sum total of him.
So things in the BPD basket tag along, but I am not responsible for them. I am responsible for me. He is ultimately responsible for him. Knowing he has BPD, I have to learn to not allow things that come out from his emotional instability to hurt me. He is a wounded animal, a child, an emotionally disabled person. I cannot expect him to be able to react consistently like a fully-able, emotionally responsible adult. That would be like expecting a paraplegic to be able to run a marathon. With time, help, and told, it can happen, but it's not just going to happen because I tried to have a heart to heart.
You can try some things like SET and DEARMAN to attempt to get your feelings across. But this type of communication requires you to "unlearn" your previous communications. YOU are the more health-emotionally person. Or least, better able to control yourself (I think most of us are co-dependent, landing us in the r/s's, so that's not very healthy in itself). Your SO is not reacting the way you want or need with the current types of communications you are trying. So it's time to give a new one a try.
I know this hurts. It's very normal to want to be able to express how their unpredictable and out of kilter emotions and actions are hurtful, confusing, and harmful to us. But, they are not set up to receive that incoming message, and instead convert it to toxic shame. Being told they hurt someone, or are at fault for hurting someone, for the chaos in their lives, for anything that has happened, is like giving them arsenic or at the least, food poisoning. They have no emotional resistance built up to withstand that kind of shame. A common coping method is to immediately toss it back to you. "You say I hurt you? How can you be so mean to me?" Projection. Other people may wallow for a bit in shame, reveling in how unworthy they are, being so needing of sympathy you forget THEY hurt YOU and you go comfort them.
What do you do when your SO does something that hurts you? Do you have any boundaries in place to protect yourself? Do you try to leave their presence during a rage? Do you try to calmly ask they stop doing something, and then leave their presence to protect yourself from it? We can only change our own behavior and expectations. The pwBPD often can be dragged along with us as we get healthier ourselves, and learn new coping skills, but we can't "change" them. We can only show them a new way to interact by example.
